figsorbet

[figsorbet]

Astarion Fanfiction (LEWD) 18+

Astarion pins you down, bites your neck, and seductively saunters away with the suave step of an infant relearning to walk in a newly filled diaper.

[figsorbet]

YOUNG people don't appreciate physical money anymore. We're lucky they're "bills" nowadays. Back when we traded in bricks my DEAR mother would scold me whenever I left them in my pants and they went through the wash.

Don’t do comms for @figsorbet /j

He will sit there and pay in one dollar bills and slowly count them out to a double digit number.

I am not your vending machine for you to dispose of your loose change.

[figsorbet]

A brief FICTIONAL story

An endless sea: an archaic thought.

I consume.

A boundless expanse of cerulean grandeur surrenders to the confines of space.

I consume.

Majestic, yet finite in nature.

I consume the life, supped from the earth.

Red Lobster was a fool to offer me the:

"ULTIMATE ENDLESS SHRIMP℠

Mix and Match options like NEW Crispy Dragon Shrimp, Garlic Shrimp Scampi, Grilled Shrimp Skewer, Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp, Walt's Favorite Shrimp, Shrimp Linguini Alfredo, and Popcorn Shrimp. Choose three to start and when you’re ready, we’ll bring more. Served with your choice of side."

[figsorbet]

oh my god, hes a penut

[figsorbet]

CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN THE JOKE TO ME I AM IN CLASS AND THE WHOLE CLASS IS LAUGHING AT THIS BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HELP I WILL BECOME A SOCIAL OUTCAST IF THIS CONTINUES ANY LONGER

[figsorbet]

NEVERMIND, I figured it out BUT if somebody finds my keys I am STILL LOOKING for them

just saw a video saying "your yearly reminder that no one cares about your spotify wrapped" and i just think: let people be happy about things!! it's so easy just to scroll past it if it doesn't interest you but that doesn't mean people shouldn't be excited about it!!

[figsorbet]

will SOMEBODY please explain WHAT spotify wrapped IS? I would like to use it to spotify my missing house keys if it can spotify unwrapped things

just saw a video saying "your yearly reminder that no one cares about your spotify wrapped" and i just think: let people be happy about things!! it's so easy just to scroll past it if it doesn't interest you but that doesn't mean people shouldn't be excited about it!!

[figsorbet]

HELP

does anybody know of any high population per capita cities???

[figsorbet]

I find that the outside appearance of a watermelon has very little to do with the outside flavor

Since it's watermelon season!

My grandfather used to grow watermelons, among other things, and he told me about most of this, especially the orange spot. Those are the absolute best!

[figsorbet]

This post has the same intonation as my pastor

(O_O ) I sit here. With a Realization.

There.... There might be... ONE(1!) Danny.

Like... Multiverserally. Because otherwise? He WOULD have met himself. Would have had a big ol "Into The Spiderverse: This Time It's All Spooky Boys (Girl, and Other Assorted Genders)!" Lair and? QUICKLY started running into Portals that lead to Not-His-Parents Fenton Labs.

But he doesn't.

He might? Literally be IT. The ONE in countless of countless impossible numbers, monkey smashing on keyboards until you get a story, Impossible Combination. Maybe the Fenton Luck really DID take them out in every other universe. Maybe Maddies family had some near misses of their own. Maybe BOTH.

There is Only One Daniel Fenton.

He Dies At Fourteen.

He defeats Pariah Dark.

He Becomes King Eternal of The Infinite.

It Was, It Is, It Always Has Been.

Why would you need to create more then one? Clutter up creation with dead end roads and possible successors? Let the Zone be punched full of holes? No, no, if you NEED to replace the old king with a NEW one... you really only NEED One(1) soul... don't you?

I've heard it discussed the Clockwork might be Father Time, father of the Endless. Father too Death herself. If we allowed this to be true? Then the Zone is HER domain. Yet? She does not rule it. Why is he HERE? Time still lives. Still flows. He is not Dead.

Thus the Observants.

You may play here, papa. But not interfere. This place is MINE. She created something with the very literal job of watching her father. He's NOT in charge here. She is.

But! She also hates it. Forever chained to one place between places? Never to see her siblings again? Nah. She can delegate.

A Holy King, if you will. Sit on her throne, listen to their problems, nod and smile, then do her busy work! She'll check in. It should not be hard. Right? Just don't do anything crazy.

It Shouldn't Be That Hard.

But Nooooooo. King after Queen after Monarch after Boss! She comes back and they are either insane or NOT who she left in charge! Everything on fire! The newly dead terrorized and not where they should be! Pariah tried to INVADE THE LIVING WORLD!!!

Did he think she'd LET HIM?

Death is miffed. You could even say... annoyed! Possibly so far as even AGITATED.

It's unsustainable, Father. But, what to do? And, well, "Have You Considered Making A Person?" If organic royalty isn't working, store boughts fine. Check the timeliness, sweetie. Death IS your Domain. You can... delay some.

And he's right. She CAN. She shouldn't, there are consequences, but she can. Others may die sooner then they ought too, in place they should not. It MESSES with things. But... yes... yes she CAN.

She... LOOKS.

Finds herself JUST the right soul. She adores it. It's PERFECT.

AND she barely has to nudge things around! Hardly any messes! She's honestly.. kind of excited. It's been so long, since she and her Father worked on anything together. Bonded like this. Will he watch over him? Make sure he sticks to the right path?

Of course Clockwork would.

Anything for his Children.

[figsorbet]

he has the same expression as my neighbor's 5 year old in his lawn making a dog poop handprint

The Bubble Bath!🛁The perfect romantic dessert! Who would you share this bath with?

[figsorbet]

these days more kids need to put down their phones and pick up a pencil and paper! In my day instead of going to wikipedia, we cracked open the encyclopedia when we wanted to blow our nose in a book nobody read.

Hehe @figsorbet doodle from when I was in Hawaii and tablet-less

[figsorbet]

A Short Diatribe on the State of Pants

It is hard to pee anywhere that is not your leg when wearing pants.

[figsorbet]

This was ABSOLUTELY disgusting and tasted entirely of raw sausage. 12 Sausages is far too many for this size of recipe. My store was out of italian so I went for the tubed breakfast style sausages and even doubled the amount of olive oil but it was still primarily red when out of the blender and not at all like the picture!

Roasted Squash and Pasta Salad with Sage and Blue Cheese Pesto

Roasted Squash and Pasta Salad with Sage and Blue Cheese Pesto

[figsorbet]

proof that apple’s aesthetics fucking suck can be found in the fact that airpods look like crappy little white sticks and not like turn of the century anime robot girl ears

[figsorbet]

This is VERY true! My dark circle hands out these cute complimentary eye bags with every weekend meet. Helps retention AND keeps my stores stocked in the winter when eyes are out of season!

nobody gets it. eyebags are charming and attractive. dark circles rule

[figsorbet]

@figsorbet

idk he seems like a my melody kinda guy