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three years ago i walked 170 km by myself, through dense woods with badly kept trails. no cell coverage. i was fine.

a few day ago i walked 1 km into a local forest reserve with a huge dog by my side. I panicked.

i am the same person, somehow.

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enough.

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So today I wrote an essay, fantasized extensively about owning a bordercollie, went on a 2 hour walk and reread the call of the wild instead of working on the project I absolutely 100% decided was number one priority. Whyyyy can't I focus???????

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Tired

It's draining, working w/o security. I feel exhausted. I think I'm a bit depressed, actually. I certainly have very little energy.

We'll see.

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Maybe it's good to spend some time in a country where  you don't know the language.

 It's a bit humbling, I think. And goshdarnit if my own hate/love-relationship with language isn't cast into sharp light. Yesterday I wanted to tell Nadia a story about me and my cousins, but I couldn't. I tried of course, but the combination of past-tense and my pitiful vocabulary meant I just couldn't make the story justice at all. It would just end with nadia giving me a quizzical look. So I gave up before I started, really.

"Falta toda las palabras!" I whined instead and banged my head against the wall. Nadia, sympathetic as ever, told me that when she moved here she didn't even dare try speaking spanish for 3 months.

I don't blame her! It's terribly awkward, when you know you sound like a fucking idiot. And It's clear that some of the people I speak with really do think my lack of words carries over into limited understanding. Into stupidity. It's obvious when it happens, pretty much their whole body language screams that this is an interaction with someone I can't understand, what the fuck is she trying to say ugh she can't speak and it makes me terribly uncomfortable I don't know how to handle this oh god please make her leave.

So yeah, it's fucking painful. Since, you know, I readily admit I'm a bit pretentious with the language-and-vocabulary-thing. I like words, I like to use many of them, and I especially like the obscure ones that give a sentence just a slightly different meaning. I feel a kind of peace when I manage to express a thought in the best, most concise way possible. And here I'm stuck with throwing out crude, basic ones stuck in the present tense, just hoping it translates into anything remotely comprehensible. I often change my inner monologue back and forth between my native language and english, and even though I'm not entirely fluent in english it still flows pretty seamlessly. And then I attempted spanish, just trying to force my inner voice, you know? And it feels like swimming in molasses. It's a pretty cool feeling though, when I try to force that shift. It makes it terribly clear that my thoughts are dependant on language.

But it's horrible and isolating, when my real thoughts are constantly stuck on the inside of my head. It feels like when I speak, the true meaning and intent gets stuck in a filter in my throat somewhere, and it all just bounces back into my skull and cloggs shit up even more. Just scraps and pieces makes it out and it PISSES ME OFF AAAAH. Pero por suerte, nadia encontrare una curso de castellano. y es gratis! wooh.

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hacking out. so beautiful here. and my homesickness is pissing me off. I don't even know what i'm homesick for. one moment i’m like “ugh nevermind hitching back home, let’s just go to barcelona and take a flight i wanna be home NOOOW. the other second i want to stay here til christmas and can’t fathom why i’d want to go.

.

i’ts really annoying

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so! I left Valencia and hitchhiked to tortosa, and now i’m working at a horse farm. was a bit difficult to get here as i speak pretty much no spanish, but i got by with the little i have learnt. i wnded up in the right place at least.

but i will probably not stay so long here, at least not this time! i really feel like getting on, making.my way slowly north. i’ts a really lovely place though. the owner breeds paso fino, which is a gaited horse. was so long ago i’ve ridden, feels as if i’ve forgotten everything. tomorrow we might ride up one of the mountains, will try to take photos.

Pictured here is one of the stallions, a veery pretty lusitano ( of course i take a picture of the one horse whonisn’t a paso fino haha.)

in other news: i actually feel a bit homesick

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i really feel the urge to get going. just moving.

but for now: beach volleyboll. which is terrifying. seems my head is a magnet

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uhg i just looked through my blog and there is so many things i haven’t even written down. so little i have filmed and photographed uuuuhg.

but everything happens so quickly aahha. and now i don’t know what will happen next, but im gonna leave valencia i think. i tried to convince sara to come with me. wont work.

ok:

barcelona with gary and jonathan. +sent out a few application, cs easy + last min jobs (posters flyers etc) + north!

granada w/ steph and christina +drunk christina +hiking around granada!!

morocco w/ rie +unexpected as fuck! and rie is awesome

where to

??????

on one hand i’m like: nah been travelling 2 months lets settle down somewhere and get a real job and maybe save some money, get some security but

on the other hand stephs stories  makes my brain and whole heart just burn and i feel like travelling forever and live from day to day

and i mean lets be honest i have 140 euro to my name (220 tomorrow!) and i’m doing fine. but yeah. i dunno.

also there is norway. again. Alex is sailing to norway right now and it would be cool to join him. and then i could call up aril and tell him i’d like to go with him to the north (which i really wanted to see in the first place)

and they were gonna recruit lots in november.

but cold!!!!

god this post is so stupid. but i just need to write all this stuff down to try and get some order.

i am sooo tired. yesterday i rode garys bike home. dude is smashed all the time. like hell he was gonna ride that home. he is 21 but i keep thinking “damn kid” when I see him. he is older than me but it’s so glaringly obvious he is a kid. and i did film a little yesterday!

also i really really dont wanna get up tomorrow morning. but hopefully its calm.

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in every hostel there is that douchebag with a guitar.

i’ve been scrubbing tomatos of the walls the whole day. fucking gary broke a table. i have a fever, i think. very glad we have that dude i dont remember the name of to help tomorrow mornig, i would not be able to do the morning shift myself. so nice of him to offer.

i want my tea to cool so i can drink it.

i really regret not taking more photos in amsterdam and hamburg. i WILL bring out the camera tomorrow. hope i feel better then. my troath huuuuuuiirts.

things to do: wash that dress (i’ve got a date! :D yay) go to radio city, get MONEEEY for da work call ashley about work buy mint tea for troath

and most important go over and punch guitar-guy in the face

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idjfnfledmnf

okay. job i valencia. deadline to be there: next monday.

hitchhikingrace or flight??? flights expensive, and god fuckingsamn vueling and ryanair don't state how much my luggage is gonna cost me. uuuuugh.

i've been checking the hitch-hikingroute. stops at vrussel, paris, toulouse and barcelona. sounds doable? although i'd hate to be stranded i paris, i'ts supposedly hell to hitchhike out from. uhg. what do????

also with a new coucsurfighost, we've been staying inside watching movies and playing games for 2 days.

BUT WHAT DO NOW WHAT

WHAT WHAT

need to decide, in like, 2 hours. either i hitchhike and then i need to leave TODAY

or i take a plane tomorrow and pray to god the extra luggage-fee wont do me in.

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amsterdam ia great. pretty building. much water. nice streets - funny language. looks like swedish, sounds like german.

pot pretty buildings prideflags and prostitutes. pretty much.

noooooow i'll go talk. stop staring at my phone teeheh. ok!

also: where will i sleep tomorrow. answer:

?????

ok. bye!!!

thisbisbvery tasty wine. OH RIGHT!! before i forget: ALL BEERS HERE SUCK. LIKE REALLY. THEY ARE STALE¿¿¿??? OR whatever its called. no bubbles. i like bubbles. so i'm sticking with wine now, i dont trust this dutch beer :( tap beer expensive and not tasty tasty. boooo!!!!

i want falafel

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made it to amsterdam! the ride here was an absolute pain in the ass. and also hilarious.

so, i set out the day before yesterday, kissed dennis and hamburg goodbye with eyes set for amsterdam. thinking it was going to be easy, just four hours drive, and starting by 12 mid-day, it would be a piece of cake, right? WRONG. AAAAHGGGHGA hahaha i got so spoiled with my earlier drives, making it from oslo to jönköping in one day for example, or from stockholm to hamburg, also in one day.

this was different.

so, started from hamburg and got picked up almost right away by an older gentleman who looked a bit hippie and artisty, you know? from berlin (obviously lol) heading towards bremerhaven, his childhood home. thinking he could drop me off at the gas-station by bremen, it was a pretty good drive. we hit it off right away, discovered he also liked seeed (a german band from berlin i found out about just a few days earlier.)

anyways, we had a great time, talking lots and lots ... so much that we missed the gas station!!

hahah, poor fella, he pretty much panicked and started apologising like crazy. anyways, i was driven all the way to bremerhaven where i got off, assured my driver i was gonna be fine. he told me to keep in touch, and also to get back to him if i decided to visit berlin, he said he might have a few contacts with non-german speaking jovs there.

anyways, i ended up in this small town many miles from my attended road to amsterdam. i stood by this tiny road for a few minutes, trying to get a ride, when this adorable little mini-bus stops. it's a guy and his daughter, just getting back from feeding their horses. they tell me that there is a ferry leaving a few miles away, and that some cars on that ferry might go on driving to oldenburg, and that i should maybe try taking the coast-way to amsterdam.

i'm like yeah! :D sure, we will try that! so, they drive me to the ferry, and it's a really small one. i ask everyone in the cars where they are going, and everybody is going just to the town just across he river... except ONE car, and it's going to oldenburg!!! so lucky hahaha.

so yeah, i hitched over a body of water!! can cross that one off the bucket-list, haha :D

so i get driven to a gas-station in the middle of oldenburg. not the best place as it's not right by the autobahn, but still possible. as the clock is nearing 8, i'm thinking about staying the night, when another couple offers to drive me just a few miles, as they are passing a better gas-station right by the highway.

so, i finally arrive at what seems a good spot, the last station before you cross the border. i think it seems a good spot. little did i know ... it soon becomes apparent that theres veeery few cars stopping by. im like, wtf?? but after speaking briefly with a guy i gind out there is another gas-station a few miles earlier on the road, and that most peoplw stop there. aaaaaah!!

so yeah. I spend the night at this gas-station. usually the shop is closed during the night and you have to shop by a window, but i get invited in when it starts to rain. the guy working there doesn't speak any english, but he keeps bringing me crazy amounts of coffee and croissants. we sit there, watching kung-fu movies and drinking coffee.

(oh, just remembered! there was some weird movie on with some guys locked in a white room! need to google that one.)

i fall asleep with my head on the table around 5, and i wake up half past 6.

and there is barely any cars. at around 9 i'm getting to be a bit worried. only one car heading my direction has passed, and they didnt even cross the border.

at 10:30 i'm a bit crazy, having been at this godforsaken gas-station for over 12 hours.

but my god!! a big yellow bus stops by, apparently heading to groningen! from there, i'm a bit past the border, and it should be much easier! my head is almost light-headed with relief as i run up to the bus, asking them how much the fare is to groningen. 12 euro. i can spare that!! just to get out of here!!! i'm like, ok!, run back into the gas station, sling the backpack on, digging in my pocket to see if i have enough money, which i have. i have 15, so all is good. i turn. and. the bus is driving away.

what???!!

i run ( if you can call "stumbling with 20 kg backpack" running) as fast as i can, waving my arms.

the bus doesnt stop. i just stand in the middle of the parking lot, feeling very betrayed. after just staring at nothing for a few seconds i turn back. i sit down at the table i've come to think of as "my table". my table. that's how long i've been here.

i try to think positive. oh well, someone will pick you up sooner or later, and i just saved 12 euro! come to think of that, should probably put the money back into the pocket u can zip up!

yeah, you can probably guess where this is going.

sooo, i lost 15 euro (which is a lot with the budget i'm on). i think i must have left it on the table for just a few seconds when i ran after the bus. god fucking damn it.

i think i'ts around here that i lose my mind a little??

anyways, fast forward to around 12. i've now been at this gas-station for over 15 hours, and i'm fully convinced i'll live out the rest of my days there. i'll be the stations pet, or mascot. the hitchhiker who got stuck at hells own gas-station, stumbling around with her backpack and slowly fading sign saying "amsterdam" forever more.

i've spiraled into a sort of cheery desperation, so it's with a slightly deranged smile i greet this danish couple. "oh hi!! denmark!" "what?" i point at the registration-number of the car, and start speaking in swedish. "your from denmark! i'm from sweden."

thats all i say. really! i turn around and walk away. i've pretty much given up on getting a ride, as it seems absolutely no one is heading to holland.

i walk back to my backpack and sign. i sit down with my hundrenth cup of coffee, idly thinking about if i would give my right arm for a ride. i think about it, and decide no. but i would probably give a finger.

thats when the danish couple approach me, asking if i want to ride with them to amsterdam. i'm so shocked i don't really understand. i'm like, where r u going?? and they say amsterdam.

i don't know what happened next. i might have cried, fallen to my knees and called them glorious angels sent by god???

i hope not. anyways, i got a ride straight to amsterdam.

praise the danish angels sent from god, is all i have to say.

oh well.... when i got to amsterdam, i briefly greeted my host, then fell asleep and slept for 16 hours. haha, oh man. so rude. gonna do his dishes now and cook dinner when he gets home, which is probably an ok apology :)

oh well, signing out!!

future plans: still south?? or maybe berlin. i have a place to stay, and also help getting job.  imma stay here for a few days though. we will see!

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Still in hamburg. Worked with putting up posters for a few euros an hour. My host set me up with it. Currently staying with a very kind and polite lad. He has a huge tattoo of an elephant on his back. When he first told me I was like whaaat, that's a strange tattoo. But it's actually really cool.

We've been spending the last few days running around the city putting up posters, chilling in the sun, drinking beer by the harbour and just hanging out. He says I can stay as long as I want, but after 3 weeks I should probably start paying rent, haha.

But I should probably get going soon. I have this idea of going to amsterdam still, just to check out the city. apparenly it's like one of the safest big cities in europe, really low crime rates. And really pretty too.

Then theres the circuit festival in barcelona, which would be verryyy nice to visit. Might be a problem to get a place to stay though? hmmm. And I don't know if you need to buy tickets to get to all the good stuff .. well. We will see.

Also got an invitation from a hostel in rotterdam, workaway. Haven't replied yet, as if I'm going to be voluenteering at a hostel somewhere, i'd like to do it for very few hours so it's possible to get a day job. and it's a pretty lengthy process to be able to work in holland. hmmm. need to think for a while before I give my answer.

Cuz I'm thinking about slowly making my way south, end destination Portugal. When I arrive it'll probably be a little less hot. The weather is crazy right now, ugh. And in portugal it's no papework before applying for jobs, and if I voluenteer a few hours a day in exchange for a place to stay, well ... I wouldnt mind white beaches and warmth and cheap food. Should probably be able to make it go around.

It's sooo warm in here right now though. uhg. Humid, you know?

I think there's a thundertorm coming.

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didnt make it to amsterdam, got stuck in germany w/ a lovely family. made it to hamburg today, no place to sleep yet. picture of anna petting pooch :)

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uuhg, what. left the festival, hitchhiked through norway some, made my way to nev for a few days, on my way to amsterdam. was thinking about writing more??? no. too tired. look i made gifs!!!!1 they look bad boooho

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