fergusontakesonallcomers
Fergusontakesonallcomers!!!
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fergusontakesonallcomers ¡ 24 days ago
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Ferguson takes on all comers one shell at a time part one: Equestrian epic: Chapter 4: In which not a great deal happens besides Ferguson arguing with himself.
Jake at first had his arm’s self consciously wrapped around his new awkward and embarrassing body but quickly found he needed them to help himself swim and thus had to reluctantly use them to swim through the water. Ferguson however just walked, fucking walked upriver against the current his boots in perfect contact with the riverbed, Jake wondered if Ferguson was really that strong or if he just broke reality. Jake couldn't stop staring either, Ferguson really was huge and not to mention how mangled and beaten he looked coated in scars, rotting clothes and viscera. The blood and gore washing off Ferguson was actually worrying Jake because it was making him weirdly hungry which Jake decided to put down as caused by Shark Furry transformation and then shove to the dark recesses of his memories.
Ferguson wasn't paying much attention to Jake though, he was arguing with Chat. 
“No I told you Chat he’s really just some human kid, there's no need to kill him, besides we’re trying out Harry’s methods for this adventure”.
“I just disagree Ferguson, and you might be the one with a body around here but shouldn't your poor disembodied conjoined siamese twin have at least some input” Chat argued back pleadingly.
 “Oh yeah” Ferguson replied growing angry, “that's what you said in that fishing village where people transformed tourists into fish harem girls and I couldn't breathe air for a week, or that time you told me it was easy to fist fight a  “freaky octopus”, it’s bad enough when I get molested by one person, but that octopus molested me harder then whole crowds of people have before”
“Maybe you just haven’t considered the fact that i’m better then you if i’d been in the pilots seat I would’ve kicked its ass” Chat was growing more and more irate
Ferguson kept going, “it’s bloody endless is what it is, I mean when we’ve been at it for I literally dont know how long and have nothing to show for it but a bunch of scars, cranial trauma, and the inability to eat cheese for the rest of our life instead of some actual fucking progress to show that it was worth it. It’s time to take a few steps back and see if we’re really getting to the root of the problem”.
“You're thinking again” Chat said disapprovingly, “it’s not good for you, just think of how much fun we were having before” Chat was getting desperate now.
“Yeah, before i’d done it all, because of cranial trauma I can’t remember my own parents, the last person I remember genuinely thanking me was a fucking 2 feet tall multicoloured pony this god damn morning, hows that good for you?” Ferguson spat back scowling. Then Ferguson sighed, “look, i’m just finding it hard to keep the faith you know? I’m running out of “it is what is” so to speak I just want a fresh perspective who knows, you’ll probably be right”.
“This is unusual” Jake thought, in all the pieces of fiction he’d seen Ferguson show up in he rarely ever argued with himself. It was usually more along the lines of: “chat watch me drop a piano on this new orphan I made!” or “Chat, how do I modify a T-shirt cannon to propel this arm through that grieving mothers rib cage?!”. 
Suddenly Jake was addressed by Ferguson and swam into a rock outcropping causing him to holler in pain as he was completely blinded, the world going haywire around him as Jake clutched his snout.
“Oh, I, uh, did I startle you? Sorry” Ferguson said awkwardly, he’d stopped with his hands on his hips as Jake reeled from the sudden attack on his senses. “You’ll get used it to it, body changing that is,  used to be a good foot shorter than I am now and not nearly as bulky, you’d be surprised how quickly you’ll adapt, it hardly even feels weird when I use some of my other disguises”
Jake wasn't sure how to respond to the sudden show of kindness so he just said, “it’s fine really, I’m okay,what did you want to say?”.
Truth be told Ferguson just wanted Chat shut up for a bit, but he didn't want to tell the kid or let chat know. “Oh I dunno, just wondered what you were thinking, thought you must be awfully disoriented”.
“Oh” was all Jake had to say before he remembered that Ferguson was capable of teleportation, “say, why can’t we just teleport straight to the castle?”.
“Holes in reality” Ferguson replied, “I don't remember all the specifics but the portals I create are holes in reality, and on top of me being worried about what happens if I open too many, travelling with them is complex. I can move between realities but not through them if that makes sense, and I can't just step in and out again because there's no way to tell how much time will flow in between trips”.
“So that’s what screaming hole in reality means” thought Jake thinking of one of the few descriptions they’d found of Ferguson teleporting in a furry story. It read “the air itself was ripped asunder by some devilish monster, some creature not of this world who thrived off his victims' pain. He was hairless but for where he wore the bodies of other slain furries their blood matted fur rigidly rose into bloody mountains and matted into gore soaked valleys. His arms held the screaming wound in the universe's body open as he pushed himself through grinning like the devilish monsters graffitied in the ally’s around the city. He swung up a shotgun and all the world reverberated with its quick monotonous pounding. Sally felt as though the sound of its roaring fury would pound apart the world just like the buckshot that tore apart her friends' heads”.
Jake lapsed into silence unsure what else to ask and wondering if Ferguson was expecting more. Ferguson was growing a bit irate at the lack of questions, was he not a truly awesome force of badassery what shocked everyone?
 “Hey Jake,” Ferguson asked, “you ever heard of the ice bows used by the equestrian military?”
Jake wasn't sure where exactly this could be going but his interest piqued, it wasn't even fear that drove him to say, “No, I wasn't even aware a military showed up in My Little Pony”.
Ferguson grinned devilishly, if they weren't so cumbersome or hard to find ammunition for he’d have loved to have used an Ice Bow day to day. 
“They use ‘em on weapon platforms made up of clouds”  Ferguson started, “their as big as earth bows ‘cept their loaded with these magical arrows tainted with ice magic, given how much of any creatures body is made up of fluids, can you imagine what this weapon does to you?”
“Holy fucking shit” Jake said out load as he realized what Ferguson was talking about, all those fluids would expand pushing outwards so quickly and violently the body would be torn to pisces and left grusomeley hanging off it’s former liquids and the surrounding area before slowly dripping into a large lumpy red puddle.
Ferguson laughed loudly at the look on Jake's face, “yeah there one of my favourite weapons ever, only get to use them when i’m fighting in Equestria so it’s a rare treat”.
Jake shuddered imagining himself getting struck by one of the ice bolts, the way he’d violently and suddenly balloon outwards as his liquids crystalised and burst forth in sharp spikes. The way he’d feel ice clawing along his bloodstream the whole thing horrifyingly numb as the cold shut down his nervous system. 
“We’re making good progress” Ferguson said, either not realising or not caring about how his companion was taking the info dump on Equestrian ice based weaponry that would tear you to pieces.
“You think Harry is ok?” Jake asked, “I'm not sure how he’d have gotten out of there ok, the place was swarming with soldiers.”
“Ah don’t worry about him, the Equestrian Air Force is surprisingly competent. I'm confident they'll have picked up our friends. They've been doing especially well since the Equestrian annexation of Klugetown over a number of missing ponies cases, well in some universes but I think it happened in the original as well, point is the equestrian military for whatever reason has airships. Trust me, you do not want to end up on the wrong end of Equestrian auxiliary airships either, they pack some surprising firepower.” Ferguson reasured Jake. 
Then Ferguson changed the topic,“ That's the waterfall what runs up the mountain, don’t get hasty to take off the collar though, we’ll want to climb straight up the waterfall. If the tracks aren't blown out then they're being used to ferry troops, supplies, survivors  you name it. If they are blown out then no bueno anyway, and the paths no good ‘cause it’s too narrow we’ll get swept off it no time by drones or other ranged attacks they might have set up, tracks are pretty narrow too, another reason not to use ‘em”.
It had taken them ages to reach the waterfall and Jake was exhausted; he hadn't slept for ages let alone eaten; he was pretty sure he couldn't get up. Ferguson was even hungrier and hadn't slept for much longer than jake had, he’d eaten little recently as well, it wasn't just hard for him to be around the ponies because he loathed them but because they were a prime source of food he’d often take advantage of in less friendly encounters he’d had with them in other universes, it was a bit too sweet, the chewy rubbery texture was quite unpleasant but it was quite filling and stained your tongue fun colours (though your tongue would always turn brown at the end of a meal) and their blood made for good multicoloured warpaint if you were in the mood. 
“Christ ass rape me with a spiked loofa” Ferguson thought as his stomach rumbled and he looked up at the climb ahead of him. 
“I’m going to fucking die” thought Jake wishing he was as capable and confident as Ferguson. The going was hard, rocks jutted out in a fair enough manner but years of physical neglect had left Jake weak and the rocks were extremely slippery not to mention the water roaring onto him from above.
Jake’s grip slipped only a few feet up, “Assuming I don't get gored by rocks on the way down I’ll probably live” Jake hoped. It was then that he felt something clasp his arm like iron and shackle him to the back of the waterfall.
Ferguson realised he hadn't a very good excuse for grabbing Jake's hand; he'd just done it, he’d almost slipped himself with all the extra weight and with one hand now no longer being used to hold him in place. “Gotta think like Harry” Ferguson said, quickly thinking of an excuse as he pulled Jake up with one arm, “you can ride piggyback”. Jake gingerly clasped his arms around Fergusons neck and wrapped his legs around his torso feeling extremely awkward clinging to another man, especially in his current form, especially with how his chest pushed back on him as he clung to Ferguson.
Harry woke up but kept his eyes closed, “c’mon” he mumbled, “just the events of the past day, just this once, just once let it be a dream” he said as usual upon finding himself awake. He opened his eyes to see a 2 foot red pony standing above him staring at him quizzically. “It’s just not fair” Harry thought, thumping his head back down, before raising it again as he looked around for his companions. Kit was playing around with a spear and Blackfur was nowhere to be seen. Harry had just turned his back when something slammed into it.
“Harry, Harry they don’t have any kind of firearms and Ferguson left me no ammunition plus I can't understand a word they're saying and there's nothing interesting and I'm borrrrrrrrrr…” Kit said, when Harry still had not immediately responded with some bright idea she bit him hard on the ear. 
“Ouch” Harry said, flinching, he knew she was going to bite him but what could he do about it, she was far too energetic for anyone to handle. “Kit, have you any idea where we are?” Kit crawled into Harry's lap and lay across it face down without saying anything. Harry sighed, “Kit, we’re caught in the middle of a war can’t you please take this a bit more seriously?” but he reached down to stroke her head anyway. 
“Nyope” kite responded lying contently with her eyes closed and an ear twitching, Harry sighed and lay back down on the makeshift bed made of blankets on the floor. He wondered if he’d made it himself or if the ponies made it, he could hardly remember much of last night nor the last few years of his life, all ripped away like so many friends of his by a life of bullets, hatred and fear.
“Yer having a fucking laugh mate” Ferguson said with a look of disgust and fury, “I climb all the way up a fucking waterall with this guy on my back and some pony decides he’s going to take potshots at me? I mean c’mon man even I ask questions and shoot later…”. As Ferguson's tirade went on the two pegasus guard ponies on guard duty stared at Ferguson. They had just watched as some horrifying bipedal monster climbed out of the waterfall meant to be a defensive feature and when they shot it he’d just blocked the arrows with one massive forearm which the arrow barely even embedded in. They were still staring when Ferguson ripped them from his arm and threw them to the ground spitting with disgust before walking off. 
Ferguson strolled straight up to the gates humming as he did so and ignoring several shouts walked straight towards the castle.
“C’mon and open the fuck up I want’s in” Ferguson called out and the pegausi flocking around him and the earth and unicorn gaurd lining up on the defensive structures around the gate.
 Harry wondered what all the noise was about and jolted upright, indignantly rolling Kit off his lap. “Oh crap” he thought to himself, he looked about for his M16 and didn't see it anywhere so he grabbed  the spear kit had been playing with and went to see what was up.
Ferguson was livid, he was tired and hungry setting his gaurd so low ponies were able to get the jump on him on top of that  they’d tried to kill him with fucking bows and arrows. He’d survived pianos, whale falls, suspiciously hostile racoons, rockets, power armoured furries to say nothing of the mind pickling horrors borne from the sick minds of twisted perverted 14 year old girls and neck bearded nutjobs.  Just for some brain dead ponies to think they could defeat him with pointy sticks? Jake on his part hadn't found the time to let go of Ferguson and was pretty sure Ferguson was too busy to remember that he was there meaning he was just stuck along for the ride hoping Ferguson didn't get the two of them killed. 
Ferguson ignored the various ponies coming to shout at him,  preferring to focus on the gate to the castle he had to climb, until he realised several were weapon teams carrying icebows. Remembering he had Jake along for the ride, Ferguson asked him, “Keep your eye on the bastards with the blue bows, I don’t think I need to remind you what’ll happen if you don’t”.
Jake gulped and did as he was told, “ah, Ferguson, they're taking aim and I think several are about to…”. 
Something incredibly fast came aimed deadeye at Ferguson who reacted with lightning quick speed. It was over in a flash, Rainbow Dash spun through the air and skidded across the courtyard bleeding and missing teeth from where Ferguson had twatted her one tween th’ eyes.
“W-wha Holy, fucking shit” Jake stammerd, but Ferguson did’nt say anything as he let Jake onto the ground who went around Fergusons front to see what was wrong. 
Harry sighed heavily as he finally found his way into the courtyard where he saw a soaking wet Ferguson clicking his broken Jaw back in place while a shark girl watched. Before Ferguson turned to glare at the gaurd ponies surrounding him.
“I want to go back to sleep” Harry whimpered as he rushed out into the courtyard and threw himself in between Ferguson and the myriad of weapons pointed at him. “Will I ever be free of him again” Jake thought, “I wonder if he really could kill everyone here, I really don’t want to find out though, best play along”.
“He’s with me” Harry said, breathing heavily as he looked at all the weapons aimed at him, “he means well I swear he’s just got some anger…”. Harry nervously swallowed as hoovesteps and a commanding voice rang out from behind him, “what in god's name have i brought upon myself” Harry thought as Twilight spoke behind him.
“I understand my friend can be rash but there was no need to treat her like that” Twilight said with a cool fury.
Ferguson worked his jaw as he tried to figure out whether it was fixed enough for him to talk. It hadn't been torn completely off but it had been torn almost halfway off his face from the powerful kick he’d barely stopped. Painfully Ferguson finally said, his voice slowed and often stopped by the knee jerk reaction to the pain caused by moving his jaw.
“Ah like you haven’t got the healing magicks to fix her right as rain in no time haven’t ya? A smart twat is exactly what she needed, who just attacks people out of nowhere?”
“What do you mean you brute, you climbed over the castle gate completely uninvited, you didn't even ask, talk about rude and unfriendly” now a pony Harry recognised as Rarity stood beside Twilight tossing her mane with a skillful head shake.
Ferguson sighed, “now look here lass, i’ve been shot at, stabbed, bruised and grazed on my way over here, hell I climbed up a waterfall with” Ferguson turned and pointed at jake before turning back around “that guy on my back, and I didn’t do it just for some 2 feet tall…”
Ferguson proceeded to grumble off rudely murmuring something about cucumbers, donkeys and unhealthy habits while pinching the bridge of his nose with his other hand on his hip. 
“Look missus, I haven’t eaten or slept for ages and I'm running on empty, now if you’ll excuse me I'll go dredge up some rats from your dungeons for a decent meal that doesn't consist of plants and then we’ll have a decent conversation.” Ferguson then walked past the two and off to find the dungeons.
As Harry wondered what to say he noticed someone walking towards him and turned to face them. “Blackfur!” Harry rejoiced, “do you have any fucking idea how we’re going to stop Ferguson from killing everyone?”
“I told Twilight to look out for him and be careful, it was hard though these ponies live their lives practically free of bloodshed and strife it looks like” Blackfur responded standing next to harry one hand on his hip and the other lay limp against his side as he drummed his fingers against his thigh and looked out across the view.
Well, that is sort of true” Twilight telekinetically broadcasted, “we have the good fortune of living in a world where we can normally solve our problems before too much damage is done, really we do live quite pleasant lives”.
“I wish it was like that where I come from” Jake said as though the words tasted like a sour sweet. He thought back to one eventful evening where he’d cried himself to sleep over a “Jerking off by yourself ad” and shuddered as a morose wave swept through his blood. 
“The fuck did you come from?!” Harry and Blackfur asked in unison, turning in shock as they heard Jake speak up. 
“And where did that shark girl go?” Blackfur scratched his head in confusion and scanned the courtyard.
“Uh that was me,” Jake said as he pulled the collar from his pocket, “Ferguson gave me this so I could breathe underwater”.
Harry took it and looked it over but didn't even think of putting it on, Harry already had his fill of transformation curses due to several incidents.
The first was when he was magically turned into an Aardvark after bad mouthing a wizard, was kidnapped by pest control and nearly euthanized. Before a complex string of accidents involving a pickle themed theme park with pedophilic mascots, a very confusing hour in a gay bar and a drinking session with a rat named “The Ratinator lord of lower east side New York (You know the one by the old chinese place?)” combined with learning the classic lesson every kid should know “always talk with tact” led him to transforming back into a boy in the middle of a girls changing room, at a hot spring, fully nude.
The second involved him being turned into a twink furry after losing a battle to an evil furry wizard who’d stolen Harries portal jacker. What happened next was a week even longer then one before final exams at school in which Harry and his companions went on an epic quest that involved nuking furry venezuela (by accident), burning down furry france (on purpose), a battle against a “magical master of dildos” a fight with such deep impact a year afterward Harry still instinctively winced when he sat down before they finally beat the original wizard to death with a king james bible in the middle of a bombed out town. The shattered hollow survivors watched in a circle as the evil furry wizard surrounded by his dead, mutilated and wounded minions was thrown to the ground and then spread across it like strawberry jam coated in neon green mould across toast. 
The third was similar to the second as Harry had a similar choker put on him by Ferguson, his reasoning being “your friends can’t find you if you don’t look like you”. Harry still wasn't sure what exactly it was Ferguson had wanted to talk to him about because he just went on a rant about how he was going to kill “that dumbfuck bitch who ruined Doctor Who” and the “Joys of Tinfoil”. Before arguing at length with himself about whether or not Hamsters could be trained as effective seek and destroy bombs all the while bleeding heavily from his nose. Given the fact Ferguson wasn't paying attention Harry spent the whole 3 three hours using his new squirrel teeth to gnaw his way out of the ropes windering why Ferguson had gone out of his way to tie him up like he was in a bondage porno and decided he’d rather not know.
Shivering Harry gave the Collar back to Jake and turned to Twilight, “I’ll figure out what to do with Ferguson, but he seems unkillable, maybe we’ll have to play along”.
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fergusontakesonallcomers ¡ 2 months ago
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Ferguson takes on all comers one shell at a time part one: Equestrian epic: Chapter 3: Join Driver Anon and co for a crazy thrill as the rebels ride free!!!
���It’s almost time,” Squirrel Slayer Anon said, replacing his green mask with a Guy Faux one as his allies did the same, he was holding a Winchester 1887 shotgun and had a bag of homemade napalm shells attached to his hip; he'd almost burnt down a forest with them while hunting squirrels for a laugh. 
Another one spoke up nervously clutching his M16, “may I meet my fox family again in my dreams”. The others looked at him, he was the one who’d dreamt of a happy life with a fox family they could all relate to some extent.
“Lets Drive” stated the third member of the group, he had no clearly visible weapons and was dressed like “The Driver” from the movie “Drive”
The last one of the group was hunched in the corner with her back to their comrades and just looking at the Blahaj they had stored in their backpack .  “They haven’t launched the sign-” as she spoke a flare broke out across the 4Chan and United States base. In the distance someone screamed “For Equestria! Forever!” as bright flashes of gunfire started noisily punching holes in the night.
“There it is” said Squireslayer Anon, chambering a round, as a marine rounded the corner, his face was burnt clean off sending him screaming to the ground. Squirrelslayer anon slammed his boot down on his skull shattering it, “Let’s move out, We won’t have the advantage for long!”.
They rushed out of the pony house they were sheltering in and started to lay about themselves with their weapons; their former marine and 4Chan allies weren't expecting a coup. Others had been watching the developments as they spread out from 4Chan, portals to other worlds? Real magic or science? The feds were covering up something big and everyone wanted in on what was happening, if that involved open rebellion against the government then that was just fine with them. Things back on earth weren't going so hot  with the whole world seemingly slowly going to hell. It wasn't hard infiltrating the 4Chan extremists either, you just kinda had to show up and go through a dull average type recruitment process. There were people watching fro those voicing different opinions, but few had been caught, most knew better and kept their mouths shut. It helped that more than a few rebels were well known for some post or another, they were trusted more heavily and sometimes even treated kinda like celebrities by the unknowing extremists.
“Seize the portal and cut off reinforcements, sounds so simple on paper, shit man real combats fucking scary” SquirrelSlayer complained to no one in particular ducking behind a crate as marines and extremists opened up on his position. 
“I almost wish i’d never come” Foxdreamer agreed timidly firing over the crates, all around them everything had gone utterly mental. The resistance group sent to capture the portal was small but had caught the enemy unprepared. However the marines didn't seem to be responding in an entirely human fashion, as though fear wasn't a factor they’d just accepted the resistance and returned fire locking the rebels into a brutal skirmish, worse yet the resolve of the  marines had given heart to their 4Chan extremist allies who recovered quickly, there was suspicion amongst them of rebels after all.
“Say, who’s in charge anyway?” asked Closeted anon lobbing a stolen grenade over the crates.
“I’m not really sure, there's people like us who sort of banded together but there's gotta be larger, more put together groups don’t you think?” Squirrelslayer said as he and Foxdreamer popped over the crates and dropped the remaining Marines and Extremists who’d had them pinned down. “Right let’s move, I've got a bad feeling everythings going to go terribly wrong”.
The group dashed across Ponyville the night light up around them by the blaze of battle be it flashes of gunfire or spreading flames attempting to consume the battleground. Several members of the party cursed as they saw another rebel try to run up beside them only to be punched off the ground and mortal coil alike by several leaden fists, their chest weeping red rage at the life lost. Sqirrelslayer and Foxdreamer strafed the night from which the shooting star had struck their comrade. 
“Oh shit I don't want to die, I really really don’t, I’m so, I'm so..” Foxdreamers eyes were screwed shut trying to get the image out of his mind causing him to be cut off as he stumbled and rolled to a stop. The others joined him behind the rubble he’d fallen behind, pulling Driver Anon to the ground as he had decided to stand stoically over the rubble.
“It’s frightening but i’m not dying to some ‘tards, what a disgraceful death” Squirrelslayer spat like a cobra as he reloaded his shotgun.
Taking a second to breathe, Foxdreamer Anon thought of his fox family, Squirrelslayer thought of adventure and power, Driver Anon was just looking to be a hero in any way he could and Closeted Anon wanted to stick it to the man. Before they left the U.S had had turned more and more authoritarian the already nightmarish election  grew steadily worse, then things seemed like they might pull through somehow and then bam. Some nutjob role playing as Uncle Sam came out of bumfuck nowhere and taken over the states in a clearly staged election, rules grew worse and worse as the U.S turned more authoritarian. The world had turned upside down in 2020 and with things only steadily decreasing since then taking part in a war for a fictional land was just par for the course as far as anyone in the group was concerned.
“Shit, we’ve got contact again!” Squirrelslayer Anon grunted firing napalm shells over his opponents cover and dousing the mumbling marines setting them ablaze, they tried to calmly pat themselves down and to stop drop and roll but the burning concoction was stuck fast. Gunfire sounded from behind them and it was all Closeted and Foxdreamer Anon could do to suppress their adversaries accuracy as they fired back with their automatic weapons and then in a flash it happened.
An extremist wearing an absurd costume was upon them in a flash, his armour was a green and red suit of samurai armour atop it was a head enclosed in a grotesque pepe mask. He swung his katana down upon Foxdreamer anon, and then he was punched violently from his feet. 
Driver Anon stood above the toppled elite warrior clutching a hammer in one gloved hand, malice bled through the unblinking black lens of his glasses. The two met amongst the house, shattered like the life of its occupants, moving fast and brutal Driver Anon knocked the elite soldiers Katanna arm to one side sliding it down the outside of his Left arm as his right darted in with the hammer and slammed it through the mouthpiece of the pepe mask and bashing into the skull of it’s wearer who slumped to the ground, unfortunately he was not alone.
Closeted Anon ducked and rolled as a Katana swept through where she once was, Squirrelslayer Anon parried a blow using his shotgun as a club Foxdreamer Anon who lay with his back on the ground  drew a 1911 and fired at his attacker. Driver Anon Grabbed his fallen opponents Katanna  and a grenade from his belt before turning to Join his comrades.
Squirrelslayer Anon slammed the butt of his gun into the stomach of a 4Chan elite and whirled around but failed to move fast enough as a slash skimmed his chest and knocked him to the ground. Foxdreamer Anon was Cornered and in a tense Stalemate with two of the elites each party aiming their weapons at the other poised for the death blow.  Closeted Anon finally came to a halt as she rolled into a wall upside down and on the ground she watched as an Elite loomed above her raising his Katana. 
Then once again Driver Anon was in and amongst the crowd, he ran past the two threatening Foxdreamer Anon and barreled into the one above Squirrelslayer anon knocking the soldier to the ground. Wrenching the one Bringing his Katana down on Closeted anon he threw him into the soldiers all around the group. Foxdreamer took his chance and blasted his distracted attackers. Closeted Anon helped Squirrelslayer Anon to his feet and all watched as Driver Anon lay about himself hammer in one hand Katana the other. He thrust the katana in one helmet and then whirled and knocked back a soldier with a well placed hammer blow to the top of his helmet. Grabbing another Elite by the bottom of his Grotesque mask resembling Pepe screaming Driver anon delivered a brutal ‘eadbutt. Then he was still  and his comrades all drew in a breath. Driver Anon grunted as he looked down at the kattana that had pierced him from behind to the right of his spine, then grinning he held up a pinless grenade “It is what it is” Driver Anon spoke profoundly. 
“We gotta go!” Screamed Closeted Anon  as she and Foxdreamer Anon flanked Squirrel Slayer Anon who was losing blood rapidly to help him walk, they began to hunt for some form of safety. As they did so they talked amongst themselves. 
“Those must have been the Tardwranglers” Squirrelslayer Anon grunted, “I hear their the elite of the extremists army, there surprisingly numerous and surprisingly competent more often than not, I didn't really believe it and still don’t if some guy pretending to be The Driver kicked their ass that hard”.
“Oh C’mon that guy kicked butt, he took on, what, 12 guys on his own right before they could finish smearing us on the curb like jelly on toast” Closeted Anon argued.
“Squirrelslayer Anon started laughing as Foxdreamer and Closeted Anon helped Squirrelslayer Anon through a window in a relatively untouched house. “What we’ve got my good friends is an adventure and a chance to do some good! Gone are our days wageslaving for some capitalist prick, may our remaining days be filled with screaming, running and violence, for the greater good, Freedom!” Squirrelslayer Anon proclaimed taking a flask of whiskey out from his coat and taking a swig before passing it around.
First Closeted Anon who agreed silently proclaiming “freedom!” took the flask before passing the Whisky to Foxdreamer Anon who smiled, raised the Flask “Freedom!” took a swig and passed it back as the sun began to rise behind them. 
Closeted anon tore open Squirrelslayer Anon's shirt and inspected his wound, liberally dousing it in whisky from the flask. “No telling what sort of shit would be on a 4Chan soldiers blade” she muttered through a mouth full of thread as she worked on applying her knowledge of handcrafting plushies to sew Sqirrelslayer Anons wound back together as he grimaced and leaned his head back to look at the roof and away from his wound.
There was a noise from upstairs as Foxdreamer Anon swept the cramped building barely big enough to fit the rebels. Following quickly, not even seconds later, in the wake of the noise was a “what in the actual fuck” from Foxdreamer Anon. 
A furry creature whose purple and white hair mixed in a swirling pattern came down the stairs, their head and legs jutting out from a small blanket clearly taken from the household that they’d wrapped around themselves. 
Foxdreamer Anon was behind them, his M16 lowered, “I found her cowering upstairs, poor thing, she must be from the 4Chan extremist base/brothel that got teleported here in an accident”.
 The furry sat themselves in a corner trying to cover as much of themselves with the  blanket as possible as the group discussed what to do. 
“We’ll have lost our advantage of surprise and although wounded I can still kick ass but I'm worth like, ten, of those assholes on my own and there's a lot more than 10 waiting to kick our ass, looks like we’ll be leaving town” Squirrelslayer Anon started.
“Good thing there's that large castle on the mountain to walk towards, at least we’ve got some kinda goal” Closeted Anon added as she rummaged in her bag for a spare set of clothing to give to the abused Furry hunkering down in the corner.
“Do you think”, Foxdreamer Anon swallowed nervously, “he’s not only real, but here?”
“Huh? Is who real? Who’s here?” Closeted Anon asked as she pulled a spare uniform from her bag.
Squirrelslayer Anon took a cushion from a nearby upturned couch and placed it under his head, grunting as he strained his stitches. “I think he’s talking about Ferguson” Answered Squirrelslayer Anon. “I'd say he’s real allright, because I saw him, that base teleporting here was no accident. Dashing through the corridors I only got a glimpse but I saw him, he’s terrifying, tall, coated in gore and dirt, even wearing his victims if it was a cosplay it was pretty convincing. Squirrelslayer Anon finished drinking from his flask before holding it out to Closeted Anon who’d just walked back over from giving her spare uniform to the furry who was getting changed upstairs “give this to the Furry will you?”.
“You think he’s here right now? He’s unkillable right? So he’s got to be around hasn't he?” Foxdreamer Anon shivered and wrapped his arms around himself.  
“If he is around we’ve got to be careful” spoke Closeted Anon as she turned the flask in her hands. Then she looked at Squirrelslayer Anon, “Hold on, you were in the base that got destroyed?”
“Yeah, it was really something, ‘course I just locked myself in a Janitors cupboard and prayed like hell after I saw Ferguson” Squirrelslayer Anon chuckled, “An unkillable monster, an army of crazed brainwashed children, 4chan extremists, multicoloured ponies and inter dimensional sex slaves, yeah, now those are the components of a proper adventure, we’re gonna have fun with this one boys”.
The furry spoke for the first time as they came back downstairs the blanket still wrapped protectively around themselves. “The prison Guards often spoke of Ferguson, so did some of the other inmates, they were screaming about him, as the base was torn apart as well, who is he?”.
Squirrelslayer Anon knew the most about Ferguson and rose to the question, “he’s some kinda psychotic maniac who goes around and uses magic to invade childrens fanfics before frightening the living daylights out of them”. 
“There's more, people swear that his presence in your stories leaves you unable to write them, assuming he leaves anything left of your fiction to work with” Foxdreamer Anon added.
“My fellow inmates who talked of him did so like he was some kinda boogeyman, hardly surprising from the look I got at him, though at that time I wished he was there to kill me”, the furry fell silent after that, accepted the offered flask and slunk back to their corner. 
“Right” Squirrelslayer Anon spoke up, “I know we’re all really tired but we’d best get a move on, they'll find out where we’re hiding soon enough”.
Squirrel Slayer wished he’d never spoken when Foxdreamer Anon started to scream a warning before the top of his head was messily ripped from his body. Exploding like a bloodsoaked  frag grenade made of bone Foxdreamers head evaporated above the jaw and his body slammed to the ground spread eagle on its back.
“You fucking bastards!” Closeted Anon choked out holding back tears as she fired a burst over the windowsill in the direction the leaden punch had flown from.
“Surrender and bring out your oil” the Marine with the megaphone shook his head, “I mean selves, surrender and bring yourselves out!” he just couldn't think straight these days. 
Squirrelslayer cursed violently as he painfully moved for his shotgun as the front door was kicked open. The lever on the shotgun moved like greased lightning as two extremists were knocked from their feet splashing across the ground. “There's no cover in here!” he complained as he backed towards the stairs in a crouch Closeted Anon following suit.
Just then the gun fire tearing the house apart like tissue paper were either redirected or stopped completely, Squirrelslayer and Closeted Anon looked at each other with confusion. No sooner had they done so then the gunfire began to cease completely as screaming could be heard from outside the duo looked at each other in fear, Could it be, Ferguson? No! It was a military jeep and it smashed clean through the wall before drifting to a stop, threatening to tip and then settling down on all four tires, and the driver? None other than Driver Anon himself, coated in a layer of soot and dirt, blood soaked his lower abdomen where he’d been stabbed and a good chunk of his face around the top of his lip on the right side of his face had been torn away. 
“A-aren't you dead?” Closeted Anon asked.
Driver Anon looked her in the eyes and said “I don’t die, I drive”
Squirrelslayer Anon was grinning ear to ear but it wasn't as joyful as it could be “bad ass man” he turned to look where Foxdreamer Anon’s now mangled body lay twisted into a lumpy pile by the jeep, “but if only you’d been a little sooner”.
Closeted Anon rested her hand on Squirrelslayer Anon’s shoulder, “I hope he’s with his family, best he forgets everything else as well really, he’d probably be happiest that way”.
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fergusontakesonallcomers ¡ 3 months ago
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Ferguson takes on all comers one shell at a time part one: Equestrian epic: Chapter two: in which everything goes dreadfully wrong and a lot of children die brutally.
Ferguson set Kit down and went to talk to the ponies who came out of the front of the treehouse. As Ferguson talked to an orange pony in a cowboy hat, leering down at her with his hands on his hips, a skinny man with messy red hair dressed in a suit carrying an MP5 sidled out the side of the treehouse to talk to Harry.
“I infiltrate an extremist group, barely get out of that prison alive, then I look out of this cramped bloody building where I’ve been awkwardly standing with whatever these things are'' The man gestured at the ponies, “and I look out and Ferguson’s climbing out of the wreckage of a Helicopter!”. “Yeah Jake I know but I can’t figure out how to shake ‘em, he wants to try out our lifestyle or something” Harry replied.
“Man, standing here around him and not running away, I’ve never been near him before and I want to run so badly, how do you manage it?” Jake asked Harry. “Pissing off psychopaths who won’t stay dead no matter what, probably isn't the secret to a long life” Harry said tiredly watching Ferguson finish his conversation and walk back over to Harry, as Kit jumped onto his back and scrambled up. 
“They’ve got no interest in fighting” Ferguson reported, “They will however help us through the forest and around to the castle where their military will be gathering”. Harry was not actually terribly enthused in engaging in an actual fucking war. Armed skirmishes were the pinnacle of his experience and adding heavy artillery to that mix did not make him happy. Though it was either fight a war with or against the guy who survived a helicopter crash so Harry hadn't much of a choice to make. “Yeah, that’ll do the job, assuming they can deal with earth weapons” Harry said, coping as he always did with thoughts of his old quieter life reading books and the grandest adventure he’d go on would be hanging out in an abandoned building. 
“So who's this chap?” Ferguson asked over  grinning menacingly at the new addition to his party. “Uh” Jake gulped, “Names’ Jake, sir, feels odd meeting you in the flesh, after hearing about all the things you’ve done”. “I should imagine you’ve heard a lot about me for I am utterly epic” Ferguson said grinning, either completely ignoring or just not noticing the look of fear in Jake's eyes.
The air was torn to ribbons by rotor blades as helicopters could be seen coming to check in on the last batch. “We need to move!” screamed Harry motioning towards the woods. The ponies ran for it. The orange one in the hat seemed to be the leader of the ponies and brought up their rear as Ferguson, frowning at the thought of retreat without even trying to fight, followed holding his shotgun. 
Harry was glad to be in the forest and shaded from the helicopter's vulturous  circling until there was a furious scream and  everything was suddenly glowing a bright orange as freedoms metal eagles swept over the scene. “It’s the orange one they want,” Ferguson said, standing upright amongst the wreckage looking  as though he were standing in a shop looking for a certain spatula. “That one” Ferguson said pointing at the orange pony in the hat “element of Harmony or some such nonsense not actually much of a threat though drop one of the six and it effectively neutralises them”. 
Gunfire rung out behind them as the helicopter disgorged troops, Blackfur and kit had already started engaging them with the help of three unicorns, one was mint green and two wore distressed robes several dragon kids had the bright idea of exposing their heads to try and breathe flame and were promptly decapitated one launched a bright orange gust through the foliage and sent two marines up in flames. A grenade launcher started coughing metallic hairballs consisting of shrapnel tearing up foliage, children and adults in Equal measure. 
“Alright chat, are we ready?” Ferguson asked, but he knew the answer already “Aye aye captain!!!” chat screamed back inaudibly. “I can’t hear youuuuuuu!” Ferguson screamed back as he jacked off his shotgun covering the soldiers in leaden cum death. The soldiers sheltered in the ruins around the Treehouse and helicopters wheeled overhead lacerating the green of the forest with lead.
Harry had never been properly pinned in place by a helicopter let alone one professionally piloted by the military however Harry hadn't gotten to where he was today without learning how to quickly adapt to situations. He’d been dragged from a cosy normal highschool life to whatever hell this was and he’d swore his death wasn't to come until after he found his sister. However for all of Harry’s skill and determination there was a lot  to be desired, he had no anti air capabilities, and his companions consisted mostly of inexperienced children, teenagers and middle aged ponies who were only a few feet off the ground. Still, hiding in the dense foliage the increasingly fewer survivors shot at the sky with psychokinetic and flaming bolts wildly. This gave Harry an idea. 
“Ferguson!” Harry risked shouting as he ran over and flung himself at Fergusons feet, Ferguson was of course running around and not really doing anything to hide his presence, in fact he tripped over Harry. Ferguson was too distracted with trying to calculate the trajectory the helicopter would have to fall, in order for it to land  on top of the marines heads, but he found it extremely frustrating and difficult to shoot down a plane with a Shotgun from WW1, not that a modern one would’ve fared much better. 
“Yargh” Ferguson shouted as he tripped over Harry and rolled into a tree, a machine gun burst flying over his head. “Ferguson” Harry panted, “Could you possibly convince one of those ponies to let you use them like an AA gun?”. “Huh” Ferguson was confused for a moment. “Yeah chat I really can’t believe we didn't think of that first” and so Ferguson ran off to try and find a Unicorn. Harry ran off to find Blackfur and Kit as the fighting became looser and more spread out across a wide patch of forest. 
“Now, when I say so, fire. Trust me I have all the maths figured out like I am the mathemematicawhatsit” Ferguson said hoisting a pony who identified herself as Lyra Heartstring over his shoulder. “Careful Lyra” said the pony at Fergusons right foot who had identified herself as Lyras wife Bon-Bon and was currently hiding amongst a hapless bunch of petunias who had really had quite enough at this point. Although the fern a few feet back still thought it had it worse after the events that had happened last april involving dead mackerel, several pints of piss, a blood sacrifice and a prolonged speech on the 4th pony reich given by a 4Chan soldier advanced scout, none of which had anything to do with opening a portal, some people are just weird like that.
Lyra for her part had it in good notions that you trusted people who wanted to help you, didn’t judge people by their appearances and shot back when fired upon. However, being used as an offensive/defensive weapon by a monocolour ape thing who stood well off the ground and tended to lapse back into some sort of guttural screaming when not communicating with the ponies was something she’d rather have never done to start with. 
Ferguson however was having a lot of fun all things considered, yeah beginning to question whether or not your lifes mission was actually a huge waste is sucky but escorting refugees and then using a living creature, a proper sentient one not just a bio weapon or some sick fetish creature that got aroused when doused in blood, was pretty fucking sweet. “Tally ho ye bastards!!!” Ferguson screamed, sighting down Lyras body and cracking his signature grin as he screamed "Fire!!!” just as the helicopter came back around for another round through the haze of combat. 
Ferguson stood bow legged feet digging into the soil surrounded by flames over his right extended arm stretched a mint green pony eyes shut as she blazed away with her horn psychokinetic bolts flew from her horn and smashed into it’s cockpit causing it to whirl over her, Ferguson’s and Bon-Bon’s head’s. Where it crashed into the second helicopter who’d swept around behind Ferguson to catch him unawares, the first helicopter ploughed headlong into it the two meeting nose to nose in a fiery kiss as they then toppled to the right of Ferguson detonating on the ground amidst the marine forces gathered around the treehouse of friendship.
“Score!!!” Ferguson screamed in jubilation pumping his fist which wasn't supporting a unicorn in the air. Then Ferguson let lyra back onto the ground where she hugged Bon-Bon who worked on calming her down. Ferguson impassionately strode off as war hollered its  harsh guttural siren call to his docile ears. “Wonder if Harry’s having as much fun as I am, what do you think Chat?” chat was greatly unhelpful and told Ferguson “Gotta kill ‘em all, like that show about the lightning gerbil except more genocidal, nothing’s better than a dead creep and you need to remember that”.  “Aw shut up,” Ferguson retorted. “I'm having fun and you know how hard that is these days. I've killed people with hundreds of bizarre things in hundreds of bizarre ways and it’s getting hard to think of anything new. Plus there's just such a concrete goal here y’know?”  “Whatever” chat said, “you’re just going through a midlife crisis that’s all.” “Humph” Ferguson pouted with the argument's closure, “let’s just find Harry, I want to see what other fun ideas he has”.
Harry would also like to see other fun ideas he had, but daydreams distracted you when you needed to focus. He could think of all the unread books, old friends and isolated forest reading spots he wanted and then some later when he figured out how to escape whatever this was and get some kip. Like right now, there's been that great unread book about robots fighting mutant turtles, another about a serial killers body being sold on EBay and of course the one about squirrel on acid riding big- Harry was jostled awaked by Balckfur who’d left five scratch marks on his cheeks from where he’d slapped him. “Don’t worry Kit, that shell was close but he’ll be ok.” then to Harry, “you jumped clear and tripped on a neon pink slug and knocked yourself silly on a rock, i’d imagine your feeling like you’ve gone a round against Ferguson himself”. Harry blinked twice “they’ve brought in artillery? That can’t just be for us, who else is out here?”. Blackfur grinned, “some of these crazy creatures are shapeshifters, they're doing all sorts of crazy shit. I saw one turn into a chicken and peck out the eyes of a marine, and the things they did as ferrets make me glad I'm wearing a skirt”. Harry shiverd noticeably and even Kit uncomfortably shuffled. 
Despite the technological marvels of humanity the U.S and 4Chan extremists are struggling to make progress. In a country where your opponent has the utter home advantage, there's no internet or satellites to track your foes and your ability to bring in forces is extremely hindered. It could be tricky. “Still” thought agent 69 from a catwalk as the pieces for an M1A2 were carried through a portal followed by engineers “things are never dull under our supreme patriarch Uncle Sam”. His partner 420 was far too high for anything going on around him and was close to a psychotic break as was usual for a CIA operative.
Blackfur leapt deftly from his hiding spot into the unexpected marines, one down as Blackfur rammed his fist into his stomach then up into his chest, two more as Blackfur blazed away with a stolen M16 as Harry and kit jumped the ones in the back. Kit bit and hissed as she clawed out the marines throat and Harry beat the other Marines head in with a rock. 
“Where's, huff, Ferguson when you need him?” Harry asked, he and his friends had been battling their way across the forest for hours past nightfall which itself was ages ago. Ferguson was in fact currently terrifying Jake with his prowess, Jake had watched Ferguson do a number of things which directly threatened his sanity, From beating people with their friends heads using their spine as a handle, punch away a rocket shot like it was a dodgeball, use a crashed helicopter rotor blade as a forest clearing device/”ultra badass throwing star of ultimate destruction” as ferguson put it to topple a tree on a frightened guy just trying to piss in peace yes it was certainly a nightmarish day for the poor bot jake. 
“I’ve never had such a rapt audience before” Ferguson said, fishing a tongue out of his armpit where it had gotten caught in a length of mouldy trench coat. “It’s pretty much fucking impossible to look away” Jake’s voice drifted out  from his desert dry mouth, his eyes unblinking. “Yeah, for some reason I don't find that hard to believe somehow” Ferguson said, flexing his left arm while putting his right one around a marine impaled upright to the ground so he could lean on him. Jake ignored Ferguson's buff, well toned arm, he was straight after all, and looked around himself, “By Einstein, I'll never feel truly comfortable for the rest of my life will?” Jake thought to himself and winced as he remembered that thing Ferguson had done with the lower half of the unicorn's corpse when he caught several 4Chan extremists defiling it. Jake wanted to scream at Ferguson till he was blue in the face but even if that wasn't ensuring his own destruction, at least Ferguson was doing some good for once although Jake had no idea how someone even remotely human could do this. 
Ferguson felt something odd as he watched Jake look around with wide eyes and then back at his feet where he stood inside a marines chest cavity from when Ferguson had dropped him from the tree into the middle of the patrol. “I know this is probably illegal”, it was Jake being 20, Ferguson said rummaging in his Jacket, “but this should calm your nerves, it almost made your buddy Harry throw up, it's so potent”. Jake drank for a solid second before coughing and giving it back, Ferguson rather than remember what guilt and regret were, put his hands on his hips and said. “Well, best be off, got a queen to see, Harry will turn up any second just you watch”. Jake wonderd if asking for more booze and getting so drunk Ferguson had to carry him was a good idea, but was too afraid to start a conversation with someone so dexterous in throwing arms like javelins. Ferguson set off into the undergrowth once again smashing apart everything as he set off in a straight line, sooner or later you had to end up somewhere Ferguson always said.
Harry grunted and rolled into a stream as a round slammed into his plate carrier, he popped up over the top of the muddy bank and fired back, careful not to hit the refugees streaming by. Harry wasn’t sure where exactly they were heading but the orange one in the hat  had cropped up again and started leading ponies to who knows where. Blackfur jumped into the ditch next to Harry and put a fresh magazine into his M16 as his tongue hung out of his mouth and he sighed. “Kit’s off in the bushes somewhere and there's still no sign of Jake of Ferguson” Blackfur told Harry. “Cant believe im saying this, but I hope he’s with Ferguson, he’s a good kid” Harry responded trying to remember his own age, he couldn't have been much older then 16 when he started out. 
The two unicorns in the fancy robes brought up the rear and as they filed into the clearing after the few traumatised survivors there was a mighty gust of wind and a rainbow seemed to have lifted the orange pony away. Several winged ponies, griffons, dragons and a number of creatures were airlifting the refugees. “shit , shit, shit, Kit get your ass out here!” Harry screamed climbing out of the ditch Blackfur on his heels. Kit materialised from a bush and came running up beside them as they ran into the clearing waving their arms.  For a moment it seemed like they were going to be abandoned until some pony or other pointed them out and each was grabbed by their arms and lifted off. “Fergusons probably having the time of his life” Harry said, looking down at the forest burning beneath them.
Ferguson patted the soldier on the back, the man's look of jubilation faded away as he realised Ferguson was still standing. “See, that would’ve worked” Ferguson took the gun and its bayonet from where it was lodged in his gut, “if I were still affected by pain, however I'm long past that so you're supposed to aim at the vitals which’ll cripple your opponent”. Ferguson then impassionately grabbed the man by his head and squeezed it until it burst like a pimple filled with hard pus and clotted gore. Ferguson sat down on the ground and dug a sewing needle and thread from his pocket to see to his wound humming as he did so his eyes glowing in the dark as the moon shone off them. Jake finished looking over the equipment he’d gathered as best he could in the dark  and wondered how Ferguson could see so well or why the moonlight reflected off his eyes as though he were a cat. It was extremely troubling and he shuddered. “Right” Ferguson said as he got to his feet in one fluid motion literally just rising off the ground using his feet. “Plans simple, we raid a military base, snag ourselves a sweet ride, then wamma bam loo!!! we’re off towards the castle”  Ferguson said, turning to look at Jakes reaction with a toothy grin.
“What about Harry and the others?” Jake asked, “they’ll turn up in due course, they're tough I should know” Ferguson responded. Jake thought about the stories Harry had told him and shuddered, no one should be capable of surviving a comically sized piano to the cranium but here Ferguson was standing next to him. After today Jake decided that story was probably true, he sighed, “what’ll I do while you raid the base?” he asked Ferguson. “Relax and enjoy the show, try to give a nice commentary track.” Ferguson answered laughing. 
Ferguson had by this point quickly become the military's boogeyman, the soldiers might’ve been brainwashed but they weren't entirely immune to psychology. Very few soldiers had left the woods and some who did whispered about the wolfman who would appear like a grinning ghoul dashing from shadow to shadow as he trailed units before messily spreading them across swatches of forest. That night Ferguson alone had amounted to somewhere around 26 casualties and 4 helicopters. Squads fell out of the forest and regrouped after discovering sites of carnage. Bodies pulped beyond recognition, torn apart and strung out across miles, limbs were found crammed into bodies nowhere near that limbs source of origin Ferguson was a thorough man and little that roused his anger that night lived to tell the tale. Reports were already flooding back into Washington of the man who’d shocked an entire attack force into falling back. There was of course an amazing and ingenious solution to this problem.
“I can't believe you actually thought I was gonna raid a military base” Ferguson said laughing as he fiddled with some piece of hardware. “They're gonna be all over our asses with those irritating surveillance systems of theirs and we need to be in Canterlot yesterday”. Jake took the thing Ferguson was handing him, “a collar?” Jake was confused and looked it over, it was blue with a metal shark pendant hanging off it. “Yeah,” Ferguson said, pulling out several pieces of metal and starting to fashion them into what seemed to be a helmet. “One a’ many furry artefacts i’ve picked up, for me it was always a last ditch resort to breathing underwater on account of the fact it turns you into a shark woman or something”, then he looked up and stared into the sky, “Pterodactyl, one that actually turns you into a pterodactyl would be really cool” then Ferguson looked back down at the helmet “course that one also transforms you weirdly”. Jake looked despairingly at the piece of leather in his hand and then back at Ferguson, “Why? what possible reason would I have to wear this?”. “The reasons coming up quick on your ass!” Ferguson said, punctuating his sentence by planting his boot on Jake's chest and kicking him off into the george as the surface was enveloped in flame. 
The soldiers huddled around the control centre as they waited with bated breath, the drone hadn't hit Ferguson but that close was sure to devastate him. Confusingly they saw nothing as the smoke cleared and the surveillance drone picked up nothing, Ferguson had gotten away. 
Jake fought to get to the surface but something had a firm grasp on his arm like he’d been shackled to the bottom, he strained to look down but then something was on his neck and he lost his breath and then he could breathe, but he was still underwater. The collar jake realised, man was he never going to feel normal for the rest of his life who activated the portal destruct anyway? Ferguson Grabbed Jake and pointed upriver. He was wearing some kind of metal helmet that appeared to be mediaeval rather than high tech and looked like a  nightmarish gargoyle fish head causing Jake to jerk back. “That was a drone strike wasn’t it?” Jake asked his arms across his chest unsure if Ferguson could hear him, “yeah” Fergusons voice rang out from his metal helmet, “that’s why I wanted to walk across the riverbed”. Ferguson strolled along the river bottom like it was a dirt road, various underwater creatures scattering from the bizarre duo as they marched upriver towards canterlot
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fergusontakesonallcomers ¡ 4 months ago
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Announcement
I've made the decision to begin posting Ferguson Takes On All Comers One Shell At A Time!!! on Royal Road (assuming they accept) as well as here.
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fergusontakesonallcomers ¡ 4 months ago
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Ferguson Takes on all comers one shell at a time!!! part one: Equestrian Epic: chapter one: Good aim, Good Lines, good guy?
The explosion rocked the facility as Incel grunts ran too and fro in their cheap suits and green masks. Ferguson slammed through the wall via high explosives liberated from the building's armaments.
"I am the one who knocks", Ferguson Growled as he stood in the breach. He was covered in layers of rotting clothing, filth, and gore, the first layer was his furry skin cape gleaned from countless victims. it was singed, burnt, cut AND torn lying limp over his lithe toned muscled body. underneath was a rotting trench coat which clung to him through sweat and viscera and two rotting NFT monkey skulls tied to his shoulders as makeshift armour/trophies. His chest was bare and pocket marked by medals of previous fights fiercely fought. with bullet craters, clawed canyons and blade bites his chest was a fleshy carving of a scene of victory coated in previous opponents and grime, he hadn't truly left the battlefield since he entered it. His legs were covered by sewn parts of his victims and adorned with pockets and sashes used to hold bullets, bombs and a variety of useful, abusive, illegal and immoral devices/substances.
he grinned his teeth and inhuman glowing eyes flashing out from beneath his macabre furry wolf head cowl. Levelling his antique trench broom shotgun he fired from the hip at the disorganised soldiers as he advanced, crushing limbs poking through the rubble with his heavy boots. His target was the control room just one wall away, using his last brace of liberated explosive he blew the wall to smithereens and showered the occupants in rubble. Striding through the gap he pulled his twin .50's and put lead through the survivors heads.
"labels, things ought to have labels" Ferguson muttered as he looked at the controls in front of him. "why do we need to do any of this technical nonsense anyway" groaned a bored voice in his head, "smash bash an’ mash, now that's how we always went about things before and it always worked”. "shut up chat" Ferguson replied, looking behind himself to see if reinforcements had arrived yet, "I'm trying to think". "Thinkings no good in our line of work, just killing, and lots of it", "But chat, I've been thinking, as I've said. If we were doin' what's right wouldn't we have more friends? allies? something feels off...". Ferguson trailed off sweeping his gaze back along the panel as boots started echoing down the corridor.
Ferguson was no stranger to control panels, he knew a trick that always worked, assuming it was an option of course and that was to press the really big red button, failing that you just sort of hit the console until something happened. In this case Ferguson triggered the collapse of a portal he hadn't noticed. "Chat, is this real?", "Last I asked Mr. Liver we were well and truly sober", "Bugger". a bolt of energy shot past Fergusons head and a wet meaty sound, followed by a good deal of screaming could be heard in the corridor behind him. Ferguson frowned at the instruments, "funny, that usually goes better, suppose I'll have to check the owner's manual". which he did, taking it from its place taped to a wall he sat on the floor, his back resting against the panel and thumbing through the manual. Naturally the minute he found the page labelled prisoner release, the base fantastically exploded in a huge blue blast.
Harry was not having a good day, honestly he often wondered if he was having a good life, now especially, however things had been going tragically wrong. He’d just found the prison his friends, and hopefully his sister, had been taken to and a big 4Chan base to boot when bam, Ferguson was there too. Then after having managed to successfully avoid him and locate the cells his friends were in, everything had blown up and he plummeted to his death along with the building.
“If im dead, then why is it so painful” Harry muttered, “That’s because you're not dead” came a familiar tone, “Upsy daisies” and with that Harry was hoisted face to face with the grinning vision of his nightmares, Ferguson. 
“So” Ferguson began turning to look over the edge of some battlements, “If what you're doing is all correct then what's the course of action here? “Cuz I'm starting to get curious, y'know”. Harry shifted his back aching from where he’d been lying on smooth crystal and decided to play along until he could find his friends. 
“I’m, uh, where are we exactly?” Harry asked as he tried to gauge whether he’d been stripped of his weapons by the feel of the weight of his gear. Harry was  5 foot 6, muscular, Harry wore a torn bulletproof vest and a large backpack, various tools hung from his belt and he had matted filthy brown hair with a grime smeared face. 
“Equestria. I took the liberty of setting up a comfortable nest in, whatsit called in English, th’ castle of friendship', It’s quite the nightmare in Ponyville y’know.” Ferguson replied. Harry thought of his own abducted sister and dove to the railing with a dry mouth and witnessed a scene of absolute carnage. 4chan soldiers were swarming over the town, crawling over the wreckage hoisting out survivors, working on fortifications lugging around weapons, organising corpses and here and there flashes of gunfire signalled areas of resistance. 
Harry worked to choke back tears, “Good god”, “No Chat I told you, I want to see what Harry thinks before we get to work, besides I don't fancy fighting an army on our own.”  “Oh good god”, Harry thought to himself. “I've lost my friends and I'm trapped in a castle with a psychopathic maniac who talks to himself”. 
Ferguson was growing irritable, why were they just sitting here? He was beginning to rethink his whole idea. Surely if he was wrong Harry would’ve been solving the problem  quicker and better than he could. Why was he just sitting here with his jaw agape? “Yeah Chat i’m having second thoughts now too, oi harry what's th’ bloody hold up?!”
Harry knew better than to irritate a roided up monster and said, “Just one more second, I need a drink and then we’ll try to organise some kind of resistance I suppose.” Feguson grinned he liked this idea, violence was hard to pull off on your lonesome, you had to be tricky and conniving it distracted from the splattering he liked. But with others watching your back everyone else was an equally valid target that could cover his back, plus Harry was a hero right? Hero Harry? That meant unlike him people would actually follow Harry. “Good, good that’s certainly an idea, the survivors have been gathering here and at the school. Haven’t spoken to them yet though, here have a sip of this you could use it to clean out an engine.” Harry caught the flask thrown his way. Harry would’ve rather had a sip of water to moisten his mouth but at least this would help his nerves, he tipped back the flask and started gagging almost dropping it, it was like his innards had been lit on fire. Ferguson laughed and said something about “It's an ungodly mix of things from here and there!” ,“Let’s just go downstairs,” Harry said, coughing.
Ferguson swung the doors open and put his hands on his hips a grin splitting his face wide as he proceeded to shock everyone in the room by speaking fluent Ponyish. Ponyish was a fairly high pitched dialect which other than the odd bit here and there describing diseases or something odd not on earth or vice versa you could find a match between an earth word and a Equestria word 1/1. 
Harry waited for Ferguson to stop talking before asking, “what are they saying?”. Ferguson turned to Harry with a grin “No use for fighting, they’re all civilians. They ran here in a panic instead of going straight to the tunnel in the friendship school. It leads into the Everfree Forest.”. Harry, making sure to think quickly this time, said, “We’ll escort them to the forest then”.
Kit and Blackfur Proudbike had quite the day today, raiding  a heavily armed base, accidentally running into Ferguson, falling out of the sky, becoming involved in a brutal skirmish in the middle of some odd town filled with brightly coloured ponies whom they couldn't communicate with and then finally escaping to now, spying on harry and Ferguson dashing for cover several ponies in tow from the top floor of some school. “Nya what's this?” Kit asked, prompting Blackfur to come back over and hold his hand out for the binoculars. 
“The fuck” Blackfur said, “It’s not like Ferguson to take hostages, if he did we’d…” Blackfur trailed off. Kit however wasn't fond of silence nor capable of reading a room well. “Maybe it’s mind control!” Kit then trailed off herself with a devilish grin laughing to herself and caused all of Blackfurs hair to go up on end, Kit scared most everyone else she met too. “Whatever it is, we’ve got to do something”. 
Ferguson was starting to enjoy himself again, it wasn't mind numbing levels of violence sure but escorting refugees was an interesting and refreshing change. It’s why he was attacking the 4Chan base in the first place, to see what it might feel like to help people he usually would’ve slaughtered. Then he opened the door to the school and was blown backwards.
“Nya PIPEBOMB!!!” screamed Kit, dropping it from the second story before Blackfur could stop her. “The fuck man he’s going to come up here and fuckin’ end us, and who knows what he’ll do to harry?!” Blackfur had grabbed Kit and was shaking her by the shirtfront. 
Kit was a small calico cat girl clocking in around 4 feet, she wore a bright orange jacket over a cutesy shirt she made herself which, in fading pink glitter had emblazoned on it “go for the vitals”, on her lower half she wore a light purple skirt, she was also caked in gore and viscera. Blackfur was an average sized anthropomorphic wolf/dog ish thing with black fur and a scared face who was wearing dirtied and ripped up clothes. His leather jacket was dyed a light blue matching his skirt
Harry had actually decided to push Ferguson away from the worst of it. Ferguson wasn't that easy to stop, something just pushed him that Harry couldn't understand. They’d tried this trick before too, dropping things on him, crushing, explosions, none of it ever seemed to stick. So Harry had decided to try and defuse the situation instead; he could attempt to finish Ferguson off while he was on the ground but that hadn't worked the last time they’d tried; it had ended with the mutilation and death of a good friend of his instead.
“NYA!” Kit said in shock watching the events, Blackfur stared in shock “What the hell” he muttered, entirely astounded. 
“Harry, we're under attack!” Ferguson shouted gleefully, jumping to his feet holding his shotgun. “No!” Harry said, “They’re my friends, you haven’t talked to them about the plan yet so they acted in defence” Harry moved to block the entrance to the school with his body. Ferguson stood still a second before lowering his shotgun, “Ah right! We were building a resistance that's right! Silly me.” Ferguson chuckled to himself and slung the shotgun across his back and Harry stood aside to let him through, sighing with relief. 
The inside of the school being made for the very small ponies who were only a rough foot off the ground was extremely cramped despite the fact it was made to be spacious enough for large crowds the ceiling supposed to be high still barely fit Ferguson. 
Blackfur smoothed his skirt and took the sawd off shotgun from inside his light blue jacket, “What the fuck is Harry doing” he wondered aloud. Kit had however already left to go downstairs and was not even remotely listening to Blackfur.
“Nya! It’s so lovely to see you again!” Kit said, throwing herself violently into Harry’s arms, “I'm not happy to see you again though” Kit said, turning to stick her tongue out at Ferguson. 
“Honestly I have no idea who you are anyway” Ferguson said with a shrug, “Probably all the knocks I've taken to the head” he finished, rapping on his head with one fist. “Huh, What do you mean? " asked Harry who was doing his best to turn towards Ferguson with Kit insistently hanging onto him. “I don’t really remember much, heh, I’m not even sure if my actual name is Ferguson, me memories, they get bashed out of my head every now and then ya know?” This was a big reason Ferguson had chosen to spare Harry, he’d spent time tracking him and watched once how Harry had taken a knock to the head and couldn't remember who he was. But instead of forgetting his friends had shared stories to help him remember, Ferguson didn't have that he just forgot, he was envious. 
“You mean, you're not even sure who you are? What you're doing?” Harry asked, his fear was starting to subside somewhat and he was growing curious instead. He'd only ever seen Ferguson as a looming inevitable threat before, but here he was getting to learn about his inner workings. Ferguson stood still and thought, with his face covered to Harry it just looked like he’d frozen stock still but Ferguson thought better when he wasn't moving. “Funny” Ferguson thought to himself, “I can’t seem to remember my exact goal, nor much past the last 10 years”. “No” chat admitted, “It’s pretty hazy, our goal that is, I believe it was something about… crushing degeneracy? Yes, that's got to be it!”
Finally Ferguson jolted back to reality, “I've counselled with chat and we believe that our goal is something to do with degeneracy, crushing furries to death and the like. Also Chat cannot remember anything more than myself”.
“Degenerates like my parents!?” Blackfur snarled, rehetorically, from where he stood in the hallway his lips pulled back to show his canine teeth, a sawd off held up menacingly in one hand “The fuck are you doing Harry?” he asked without looking away from Ferguson.
“He, uh, asked me to show him the ropes of being a hero, and since he’d saved me from the ruins of the base I decided I couldn’t exactly decline.” Harry gave Blackfur a begging look, pleading with him not to do anything stupid. Blackfur knew better than to test Ferguson's excellent sharpshooting, and tucked away his firearm and before he could say anything else they heard the unmistakable sounds of helicopter blades.
“The hell?” Harry started, “4chan's never had that kinda power before” Ferguson finished, and then several Marines busted down the door as the rest of the helicopters passed overhead. 
“Nyah!” Kit said in shock disentangling herself from  Harry who drew a small pistol and started firing at the door as he retreated, Blackfur started inventing New obscenities and held up his Sawd Off, Ferguson however was grinning and holding up his shotgun.
The ponies they’d escorted having long since left Ferguson and co had only themselves to look out for as they started backing down the corridor, Ferguson holding the front with rapid fire bursts from his shotgun. Explosions were audibel in the distance as Ferguson shouted, “there's a tunnel in the library, It’s been a consistent nuisance throughout my career!.
Finally dodging into a book-filled room Blackfur grabbed a bookcase which must’ve been huge by pony standards and waited for Ferguson to enter the room before throwing it across the entrance. Ferguson and Harry helped throw down bookcases in a blockade as Kit disappeared towards the back of the room.
“Nya! I don't know how we could Pawsibly fit in this tunnel” Kit said looking at a small vent and grinning at her bad joke. Harry and Balckfur looked on in horror before a huge glittering root smashed a huge hole in the floor to pass through. Ferguson spoke before anyone else could, “Treehouse of Harmony, or sometimes just tree,  they’ve either fought me or helped me before depending on the world, they often take offence to the same things I do”. 
Harry jumped down the hole first and helped down Kit as Blackfur landed next to him and Fished a flashlight from inside his pocket, Ferguson followed after he rolled a light pipe bomb to the library entrance.
The tunnel was surprisingly spacious and the quadrio moved silently through the tunnel. Harry wondered how he could possibly get out of this scenario alive, sure Ferguson would grow bored at some point and kill them all. Blackfur stood behind Ferguson next to Kit and wondered if he could plug him where he stood and live to tell the tale. Ferguson was trying to clear his head and make chat shut up so he could have a proper think about his situation. He was enjoying himself but if Harry was right was what he really wanted to know. Kit, the crazed little gremlin she was, was bored and didn't so much lack the sense to know Ferguson was dangerous  as that she didn't care. 
Kit leaped onto Fergusons matted fur cloak and scrambled to the top stopping when her head was at the same height as his so as not to slam hers into the ceiling. “Nyah! This is a great view” Kit said, taking her right hand off of Fergusons shoulder and using it to shade her eyes as though she was a look out. Ferguson on his part was startled out of his thoughts by Kit suddenly scrambling up onto his shoulder, though he was so strong and heavy he hardly felt it. “Yes I suppose so” Ferguson agreed, deciding he didn't care about her placement, it was the first time someone had ever touched him without the intention of killing him in ages as far back as his memory could serve. 
Harry almost sighed audibly at relief and began to wonder if Ferguson actually meant it when he wanted Harry to show him how to be a better person. Blackfur scowled and wondered if he knew anyone that made up Ferguson’s coat. Kit was still enjoying herself, “I bet I could mount a machine gun up here and right you into battle”. Ferguson rubbed his chin, “Dunno ‘bout that, I think it’d tear off my face on accident whenever I turned my head.”. Kit frowned at the veto of her idea, “awwwwwwww” she whined pouting before she had a magnificent idea. “I know! What if I mounted it over your head or on it like a harness!”. Ferguson was having a hard time finding flaws with this proposal, “No, that's an interesting idea” Ferguson agreed.
Harry tuned out his companions and began messing with a radar at his belt as he studied portal signatures in the area to try and read 4chan's movements. Next he took out a radio and started trying to tune it, but the stone walls cut off all signal. Then Harry's head bolted up straight, “Hold on a minute, those were professional soldiers trying to kill us a minute ago.”.
“Like, from a country?” Ferguson asked, “yeah, america, but what's a country doing helping 4Chan like this?” Harry said, puzzled. “I noticed that they kept moaning the words"Oil " and"Freedom " as they chased us,” Blackfur guessed. “So they're teaming up with 4Chan for natural resources because they know 4Chan has the power to bring them to underdeveloped nations.” Harry hypothesised. 
Light became suddenly visible at the end of the cavern and with its noise, machine gun fire and explosions filled the air as they got closer before a helicopter slammed to the ground blocking off the exit. 
Ferguson, Kit still on his back, advanced into the flaming wreckage as kit stared wide eyed as Ferguson picked up large chunks of burning helicopter and, grunting as his flesh seared off his bones, flung them to either side of him allowing his companions to get through. Covering their eyes against the bright sunlight Ferguson and co advanced into a battlefield Helicopters were circling something on a cliff above leadboarding it with bullets and then dousing it in rocket blasts,“Fortunate Son” could be audibly heard from the loudspeakers. Brightly coloured psychokinetic bolts and rubble flew back at the helicopters  who nimbly dodged side to side. 
Ferguson grinned maliciously, “You wouldn't happen to have a grappling hook would you Harry?”Harry gulped his mouth dryer than a mummified kitten. “Yeah, but you aren’t planning on scaling the cliff with those things above us are you?” Harry asked as he handed Ferguson the gear, “Watch this” Ferguson said to Harry, then to Kit he said, “Hold on lassie” and then he threw the grappling hook into the nearest helicopter, pulled the rope taught, and started to climb.  
Several marines started firing at Ferguson as he nimbly climbed the rope, “Grab my point fifties Kit there on me hip!” Nimbly Kit used her claws to climb down Ferguson as bullets rained around her. Gritting her teeth as a bullet scraped her arm she grabbed the one on the right of his hip and landed a shot point blank between a marines eyes and kept the others heads down as Ferguson climbed into the craft. “Shoot the pilot kit!” Ferguson shouted as he prepared to jump into the next helicopter. Only two were left. Ferguson successfully jumped into the next grunting with pain as bullets wracked his body. As Ferguson stooped, Kit who now had both of his pistols emptied them into the crew of the helicopter before turning back to Ferguson while the helicopter started to spiral to the ground and the fourth started to turn back to base. “Nyah! We need to get out of here mister Ferguson we’re about to hit the ground!” Ferguson grunted and wrapped his arms around her as the Helicopter slammed into the ruins on top of the cliff.
Harry and Blackfur hadn't been sitting by idly as Ferguson toppled the helicopters from the sky they’d busied themselves with scaling the cliff and got there just as the helicopter containing Ferguson and kit slammed into the ground and exploded. Harry and Blackfur ran screaming to the rubble before halting as Ferguson rose up throwing a large sheet of metal off his back, he was very much on fire, badly hurt and held an unharmed kit in one arm. “How, how did  you survive?” Harry’s eyes were wide with shock and his mouth hung open, watching as Ferguson's swollen shut eye faded from purple back to a dirtied tan and an eyeball swelled up inside the socket and ejected a piece of scrap metal. His twisted right arm swung back into place with a loud crack. “A good magician never reveals his secrets” Ferguson answered smiling, the bitter taste of a health potion lingering on his tongue.
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