february-1-9-9-6-blog - Tumblr blog

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WOW WOW WOW!!

So it’s been like a whole year+ since I last used this … I always forget that I was trying to use this as a form of journal type thingy. So we’re into a new year already… 2023 is here and things are drastically different from when I last updated.

2022 saw a lot of changes for myself.

I got a new job at the end of 2021, which I’m still working but might be looking for something ne me due to ~*circumstances*~ … I now live in North Carolina with my FIANCÉ!!!!

We got engaged on the Disney trip, June 2022.

Other things that happened in 2022- I saw lots of concerts, and one very important broadway show. I saw HAMILTON, AJR, Wiz and Logic, Big Time Rush, Sir Elton John, and the love of my life, Posty. Posty was actually my last concert in Pittsburgh 😭 I also saw John Mulaney! AND I GOT STERILIZED PRAISE BABY JESUS NO BABIES FOR ME!!!

So what brought us to NC? Well once upon a time, the fiancé asked if I’d ever be willing to move out of Pgh, and I said “only if it’s a warmer climate and still has NHL hockey. Dallas, Tampa, Arizona, Nevada, or Raleigh NC would all be options” 😂 well little did I know, w couple months later he would interview with Duke University and get the Men’s Basketball Equipment Manager position, thus leading us to Durham, just outside Raleigh.

That means the Carolina Hurricanes have swiftly become my number 2 team. Oh yeah, we’re also season ticket members LOL. Never thought that would ever happen. And what makes it even better is that they’re a good team, they’re definitely on the upswing.

So yeah, I moved down to NC in October just in time for hockey season to start. Fiancé had been here since August. It’s been nice. He doesn’t work nearly as much since he’s only working with 1 team now. For Thanksgiving the team played in a tournament in Portland, Oregon, and I got to tag along. For Christmas, we went to Florida w my parents to the Condo in Bonita Springs. For New Years, his sister and her fiancé visited. So yeah that’s where we’re at.

We’re trying to figure out our wedding, which we def want to happen in MAY … so that’s stressful.

Oh and I’m actually starting to exercise and lead a healthy lifestyle.

Here’s to the New Year!

January 12th, 2023

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Hello There

Hey guys. It's me lmao

So let's see what has happened since I last wrote. Ummm I WENT ON VACATION WITH MY BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY!!!! We spent like 10 days down in the Ozarks at their lake house. That was a pretty amazing trip. It was definitely an experience .. it was NICE.

Next year for my brother's birthday we're going to DISNEY and the bf was invited!!! That's a dream come true for me.

I'm getting a new JOB!! I applied for a Work From Home, 8-4:30pm job from CVS. No weekends. Full benefits. Hopefully this is a good thing. I'm nervous to be switching jobs, but honestly where I'm at is shady as fuckkkkk

BUT because of me getting a job with benefits, it's pushing the bf's timeline back on getting married and I fucking hate that lmaooo but it's also a good thing. Like now we can actually plan a small wedding. I definitely do not want anything huge, but maybe something small would be nice.

Welp until next time.

September 2nd, 2021

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'Well, well, buddy, you found it. Now come out with your hands up we've got you surrounded.'

A quick doodle of Bo Burnham from his Netflix special INSIDE. Such a masterpiece of a special. It's visually stunning, hilarious, and incredibly depressing. I'm just so amazed at how he executed this all on his own. The lighting, the shots, the skits and jokes, and the songs all done in this small room. So amazing. And I really, really hope he's okay.

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fuck you my child is completely fine

your child knows all the lyrics to Bo Burnham Inside

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Sup Motherfuckers

Once again, it's been a while which means I have TONS of shit to vent about.

First things first, I met my boyfriend's dad.. that was huge. His dad is super nice, and I'm hoping I made a good impression. Next on the list is to meet his mom, I'm way more nervous to meet her because I know she's going to want complete control on designing/decorating things around the house, and honestly I'm just not about it.

Secondly, we took a weekend trip away with my best friend, her boyfriend, and the dogs. It was honestly so much fun, I wish the weekend was a little longer bc it was so nice to just be away from everything. A good mental reset..

Soooo naturally I'm feeling good which means something has to come and fuck it up.

That leads us to point numero 3.. my fucking EX IS GETTING MARRIED. Am I surprised? No. Am I hurting, abso-fucking-lutely.

I'm not really upset because I know I dodged the fucking bullet w that one. If there was a winner and a loser, I won. I'm in the healthiest relationship I could have asked for. I'm finally happy. I'm going to marry my partner by choice, not by arranged marriage. I've also had my life together for the most part, when I know the ex is still a piece of shit. So no, I'm not sad because I wish it was me. I'm sad because it COULD HAVE and I just feel really bad for that girl. Until next time.

June 17th, 2021

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Update, Pupdate.

So the boyfriend closed on the house he was buying, which means this weekend is move-in time. I tried my best to help him pack everything up, but still feel like I didn't do enough. His dad came in from Kansas to help him get things to the house, so I'm gonna try my best to help with the dog. Since my apartment's parking lot was getting paved, I was actually working from gram's. Today was her birthday, so we had dinner together and I'm just planning on spending the night. That being said, since I'm here, so is little one. She's gonna spend the night, and most of the day with me tomorrow to stay out of the bf and his dad's way while they move.

In other news, I went to the doctor to have a consultation for a breast reduction. They're gonna send pics over to insurance and hopefully I get approved. I really want new boobies.

So that's my little life update I guess.

May 28th, 2021

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Trying My Best.

I've been in therapy for maybe 2 months? It seems to be helping. Last night my therapist told me to write a letter to my ex as an emotional purge. I wrote my heart out. I tried to just release all the anger I had inside. I wish I could have sent it to him, or even confront him about the bullshit running through my head. I also know that nothing good would come from it because he'll never admit to doing anything wrong due to the fact he is an egotistical piece of shit.

I wish I knew witchcraft so I could do a little spell to forget about him, and move on. Or like fuck up his life a little lol I want him to feel pain like I do, but narcissists don't care about anyone but themselves, and abusers will not take responsibility for their actions.

Shit, maybe I will look into witch craft, and manifestation a little bit. I really do believe in it.

Anyway, I shouldn't even care that much because I have my new bf and we're great together. Idk I've just been set back in my healing process. I have to tell him, but I don't want to until he's back from New Mexico/Kansas. 4 more days until my love returns. I really do feel like that's half the struggle, like I miss him so much.

May 6th, 2021

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Mental Wealth Month

...because mental health is wealth!

Mental Health Awareness Month is happening right now. We all know that mental health isn’t just about therapy. Sometimes it’s about checking out for a bit, moving your body, or chit-chat with like minds. One of the biggest barriers to proper mental healthcare is not having the funds for it. This Mental Health Awareness Month, we’re teaming up with four partners to bring you a wealth of mental well-being services and support, as well as some good energy and deep vibes, here on @postitforward:

Explore online kindness and self-care with Trill

Learn about burnout with Shine

Find calm in our curated collection from Headspace

Experience grassroots growth and healing with Free Black Therapy

From next Monday, free services will be offered on a first-come-first-served basis, with discounts available for everyone in the Tumblr community. Stay tuned—each week we will be announcing something new from our partners.

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What the FUCK IS MY LIFE

The other night I found out my piece of shit ex has a new girlfriend. The bitch in question is someone he told me "not to worry" about while we were together. They were "childhood/family friends". Yet asshole was always a shady bitch on his phone so now I can't stop thinking that maybe I was so FUCKING NAIVE and BLIND that I had been CHEATED ON and just couldn't catch him because I never made the effort. This would also explain why he was CONSTANTLY ACCUSING ME of CHEATING!! I'm honestly devastated by that fact. But I have to look at the positive which is if I hadn't gone through that shitty ass relationship, I wouldn't be with my soulmate now.

May 3rd, 2021

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Where Do I Even Begin?

I am terrible at keeping up with journaling. I really should do it every day, but sometimes I just do NOT have the motivation. I mean I've been doing heaps better mentally, but I still lose motivation to do simple things. Which is "yikes" sometimes lol. Let's see.. it's been like a whole ass month, and then some, since I last posted.

Uhhh I guess I can just summarize things because April really wasn't all that exciting. 1. My parents got into a huge fight, and I think they might get divorced. However, things are still up in the air with that, but I never actually know what is going on with them.

2. I started therapy, and it's actually going pretty well.. I guess.. I don't know. We message a little bit every day, and I guess I'm healing.

3. I went to 3 Penguins games that month, AND WON A SIGNED JERSEY- serotonin through the roof.

4. The bf has BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!! HE BOUGHT A FREAKING HOUSE YOOOOOO. He closes on it at the end of May :)

5. I can't move in until we get married. BUT he says he wants to have me move in by the end of NEXT MAY. I told him we should get married on May 4th... cause Star Wars lol

6. I'm meeting his parents when they come up to help him move. I'm extremely nervous, but also excited. Like this is what a real relationship should be like.

IDK guys, I'm feeling happy. Like genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I'm still struggling a bit here and there, but overall things are going pretty damn well.

May 1st, 2021

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Another Day, Another Update

Updates! Updates! Updates! (Happy Spring!) 

So I’ve met the bf’s brother and sister-in-law. It was late so we didn’t really get to talk all that much, but they seem cool enough. I hope they liked me. Obviously everyone is a little put off by the nose rings, but that’s me. The bf did say the following day his brother asked about my tattoos.. sorry people I can’t change the way I look. I like having body art, I love my piercings. They make me who I am. But also with that, I want to be accepted into the family. Bf says that as long as I treat him well and make him happy, that’s all that really matters at the end of the day. 

Friday 3/19/2021: We had dinner with Gram. She met the bf and his puppy. I think it went well. She just loves that I’m finally happy again. She also offered to PAY FOR A FENCE if he finds a house that doesn’t have a fenced in yard.. like we aren’t even married yet and she’s already offering to do that. That’s huge! I love him, I really do. I really feel like he is my person. I see a future with him. I WANT a future with him. 

I honestly cannot wait to see what the future holds. And to think at one point I didn’t even want to live to see the future. It’s amazing how much my life has changed in just a few short months. I am grateful, I am happy. 

March 20th, 2021

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What Am I Doing?

God I suck at this. Journaling really hasn’t ever been something I could be consistent at. 

Anyway, 3 months down, hopefully forever to go. lol I’d like to think that things are great. They are. He’s amazing. I love spending time with him. He makes me feel at ease. He is always there to comfort me. 

He has asked about engagement rings LOL like whaaaaat? We have talked about marriage and a wedding.. it is crazy. I really think that I’m going to be a wife one day. 

His brother and sister-in-law are coming in this weekend and I am HELLA nervous to meet them. OH I met the WHOLE fam on FaceTime.. I was really shy lol 

I guess things are going well if he is introducing me to his family already. AHHHH this is like crazy. I am so happy. I am so in love!  Here’s to the future. 

March 11th, 2021

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Just Checking In

I’m not very good about using this as a steady journal/ramble place. 

We are officially at 2 months, I wish it were longer. I want this to be end game. I want to spend my life with him. Time is moving fast, but not fast enough. 

We’ve already been put through some tests. COVID (my family and his) as well as a death in the family. I am trying my absolute hardest to be the best support system I can. 

He went home to be w his mom, so like New Years, we won’t be together for my birthday. It sucks. I’m gonna be 25, kind of a milestone, but it’s fine. Hopefully he makes it back in time for dinner with my family. 

That is another thing, I am so nervous for him to meet my family. I really him. I really want them to like him. I’m sure everything will be fine. He’s amazing. He is literally my person. I’ve never been happier. He treats me with respect, and loves me. I just still can’t help but be nervous. 

I cannot stress how badly I want us to work. I have fallen hard, and I have fallen FAST. 

February 8th, 2021

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a recap?

so from summer of 2018 til 2020 i guess. it’s the beginning of 2021 so there’s a lot to cover. like i said before, i don’t really remember much. 

2018- probably lots of fights and the ex owed me money.. lots of it. 

2019- still fighting. things would get better for a bit, but not for long. i was drained - i got a new job and new apartment.  - the new apartment was bc the ex made us get kicked out of the 1st apartment bc he was an asshole playing cod all night long.  - ex still owed me money, and wasn’t paying rent.. also had like 5 different jobs and by the end of the year was w/o a job for months. basically a huge piece of shit

2020- still fighting. still owed money. and now we were in the middle of a pandemic. things were rough for me mentally. i knew i wasn’t happy. hadn’t been for a long ass time. then the covid pandemic started and things just went dark. friends could tell i was at my breaking point. a few even had their own talks with me telling me they’d support me either way, but could tell i really didn’t want to continue like that.  *September the month it all went down* - i lost my shit. we had been fighting over the stupidest shit. he still didn’t have a job. wasn’t paying me. wasn’t helping to clean the apartment despite being there all day while i still worked. i wasn’t happy and i finally got the push i needed from some unknown force to end it, walk away, and put myself first. (i think it was around the 13th). i kicked him out, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. i could learn who i was again, have a moderate hoe phase despite being in a pandemic where i should have been safer.  whatever. that doesn’t matter. i could be me, whoever that was. 

october-november: the “hoe phase” I joined dating apps (hinge/tinder) pretty much right off the bat. i had gone w/o s*x for months, if not a year bc i wasn’t attracted to my partner. so i had a few casual hookups here and there. no big deal. not really looking for a relationship but if one came, i would accept. 

november-december: at this point i was talking to a few different people, entertaining them, testing out the waters when mid-november, i met a guy on hinge. super cute, has a dog, *not* from pittsburgh or anyone i knew. a totally fresh start. this one felt different, this one i could tell had potential. i dropped everyone else as soon as we started talking. it just felt right. and sure enough, i was off the market by the start of december. he knew about my past, and that it hadn’t been very long since i had a breakup. i assured him he wasn’t a rebound bc i knew what my feelings were.. i just didn’t want to say it right off the bat. 

- i knew i loved this man and it was only like a month into us talking- 

december 4th, he took me to see christmas lights down in west virginia (something i wanted to do for years) before we were leaving to come home to his place, he asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend, and more importantly, his little one’s mom. of course i said yes. he was everything i was looking for. attractive, a dog dad, kind and caring,  a nerd.. the whole package.  - a few weeks into december, and this relationsip, i dropped the “L” bomb. he accepted, and told me the night he asked me to be his, was the moment he loved me too. we were both falling fast, scared, but in this together. 

*January 2021* 

For the first time in a long time, I think I can say that I’m happy... truly happy. Yeah I still have demons to fight, but nothing quite like before. I look forward to seeing him. I’m happy when I see his name on my phone, not anxious. I feel like I can be myself. He’s learning hockey bc it’s something I enjoy.. even bought the NHL all access pass to watch games since I don’t have cable at home. This man has done so much for me and we’ve only been together for a month. I really do feel like this is end game for me. I know it’s early, but you can’t ignore your instincts. I tried that for 5 years, pushing my gut feelings down bc I *thought* I was in love. Now, I really am, and let me tell you.. it is magic. 

Here’s to the future <3 

January 21st, 2021

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A Ghost Returns.

Buckle up. It’s gonna be long, and probably in a few posts. 

Wow. So, uh, it’s been like 2ish almost 3 years since I’ve been here. Mainly bc I forgot I had this blog. Also bc my relationship at the time made me extremely numb to the world. I was probably at the second lowest point in my life. The first being when I got into this relationship after having been kicked out of my parents. Things were bad. I kind of went ghost on a lot of social media for a while just bc this relationship had drained me. 

Let’s see. When I left off I wanted to die. Like legit, I was also moving into my first apartment which was very scary. Well, I have since then- got a new job, moved into a different apartment, and broke up with that piece of shit who ruined my life. A few months after breaking up with him, I found a wonderful, new man. Yes, a MAN and not a boy like the ex. He is so fucking perfect. He’s incredibly attractive, a dog dad, and accepts me for all that I am. Baggage and all. 

I’ll try to do a recap of the last 2 years but like I’ve honest blocked out most of my memories with my ex bc it was that bad. 

January 21st, 2021