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[fatwheeliebabe]

Friend: “Have you seen [TV Show/Movie]?”

What I say: “I’ve seen bits and pieces of it, yeah!”

What I mean: “I’ve seen gifs”

[fatwheeliebabe]

[fatwheeliebabe]

its hip to be round (its cus fat people are cute)

[fatwheeliebabe]

Stop Making Psychosis A Villainous Trait Challenge

[fatwheeliebabe]

how about a sword fighting lesson from the pirate with a ruthless reputation ;)

[fatwheeliebabe]

[fatwheeliebabe]

Disabled people should be able to use delivery services for free

[fatwheeliebabe]

It’s wild to me that most of my internet friends now only know me as someone who is super positive, and supportive, and uplifting. I’m constantly told what an inspiration I am, due to my own struggles but how I’m so community minded and focused that it inspires others to be better.  This is a double edged sword. Are they inspired by the work I do to uplift my communities, or are they inspired by my doing it “despite” my disabilities?  I have a lot of trauma. Like, a lot. Like idk, soap opera levels of trauma. When I tell people things that I don’t think anything of because it was so normal to me, and get a horrified response, I realize ...oh that’s... just another thing that I went through that well adjusted people cannot understand.  But the kindness thing. The kindness thing was a choice. I spent my entire adolescence being miserable, angry, and hating myself and everyone around me. I was stuck in a toxic living situation until just 7 years ago when I finally moved out, but I had start practicing radical kindness and acceptance before then. I had realized how much better it made me feel to meet people where they were and try to help them with their needs, than it did to just withdraw and cut everyone out.  But this has been work. Really, really difficult work. Sometimes I still have what I call brain gremlins, that make me feel like just a completely negative suckhole bitch about everything. I have a multipolar mood disorder. And several comorbid chronic illnesses that cause pain. It’s inevitable that sometimes I’m just not going to be my happiest, sunshiney self. 

And yet...

Most of my friends now care deeply for me, but have no idea how to handle me when I’m having a bad day. I have to remind them I don’t know how to handle myself either. But... there are times when I reach out, when I ask for help, for someone to talk to just to get through the moment I’m stuck in where something bad might happen... and I’m ignored every time. No one replies to messages, no one comments on fb posts...

How long can I be radically kind when my own needs are often unmet?

[fatwheeliebabe]

Hello lovelies!  Today we’re going to talk about the Infomercial Effect. Because this crippled fat bitch is real sick of this current TikTok trend where they show two adaptive aids meant to enable disabled folks to clean their own feet, and put their own socks on. Except the TikToks are purposely skipping steps to make it look asinine, by washing their foot and then putting said wet foot into a sock with a sock assist, then a sneaker. Let me be incredibly clear. Disabled people, who these aids are meant for, are not doing this. When we use these devices, we wash our foot, dry it by pressing it to a towel as best we can, and then letting it air dry the rest of the way before we use our sock assist.  Most of us also have shoes that we can put on hands free. I use a brand called Kiziks.  Now, lets get to the problems here. What’s called the Infomercial Effect.  Abled people are always used in ads to showcase adaptive aids, and it’s done so to a degree in which the Abled person is “laughably” bad at what they’re doing. Think of any Infomercial you’ve ever seen where a completely Abled person just for no reason drops the pot of food they were just cooking, or where they spill something that it seems unlikely to be spilled. Then they demonstrate these tools, that Ableds inevitably think are useless, or made for lazy people because they’re being showcased by Abled people who do NOT need to use them.  Those things are made for disabled people as adaptive aids for us to live our lives as independently as possible. That Ableds see these infomercials and find them to be laughable, and to be useless items is systemic ableism that is prevalent in our culture. We’ve all made fun of an informercial at some point, like the Slap Chop, or Sham Wow or whatever you can think of... But the slap chop was invented for Disabled people who can’t safely use knives to dice their own vegetables or fruits. The Sham wow was created so that Disabled people could clean up spills in one go, easily, without having to stress their bodies out any more than necessary.  The Snuggie was invented for wheelchair users to wear while we’re sitting in our chair, especially when we’re out in chilly weather, to help keep us as warm as possible.  Almost every single infomercial product is something like this. And that making fun of the Ableds who are clearly over the top fucking up a “normal” activity, and calling the product useless, is the Infomercial Effect, and it is a huge problem in systemic ableism.  If Disabled actors were hired to demonstrate these adaptive aids, more of our society would understand what they’re meant for, and who they’re intended for. It’s another case of lack of representation erasing our identities, and somehow still making us the butt of the jokes.

[fatwheeliebabe]

TW SH, disabled grief, dissociation, lack of proper medical care, agoraphobia, medical trauma

This one is going to be a bit of a ramble, as always tw in the title and in the tags. I don’t think we talk enough about how hard it really is to be multiply disabled, and have it be your full time job, and still be expected to live an average, functional, every day life.  The reality is never that easy.  As a medically complex individual, who also lives with severe mental illness, my entire life is spent dedicating time actively to making sure I am doing as best as I possibly can be at any given moment.  Friends, I am not doing the best I can be at any given moment.  I have not been able to access regular medical care for two years now because of the pandemic. I haven’t seen any of my specialists except through video visits. I’ve had blood work done exactly once.  My body is always a shambling house with a cracking foundation. There is never a moment I am not in complete agonizing pain. The thing about this level of pain is that it becomes boring. It becomes boring to have to limit my activities, and to have to keep myself together, and to have to just keep on keeping on. So I do what I’ve always done best when things get too overwhelming, and I dissociate. This has lead to a relapse of my self-harm.  I am overwhelmingly saddened by the fact that my mental health has deteriorated so badly. I am mourning the loss of all of the hard work I’ve spent the past 18 years doing. I know that it’s not invalidated, intellectually. I know that I’m not where I was 18 years ago. But where I am is not good. I can hardly leave my house, even when it’s necessary, because I’ve dived back into my agoraphobia. I’m working on this as well as I can.  My psychiatrist has me on a medication that actively makes me worse every time I’m on it longer than 6 months. It’s been about 9 at this point, and every day I have a literal hysterical breakdown where I am crying and laughing all at once because emotions are just so goddamned overwhelming that I can’t handle them or process them any other way. He knows that this medication does this to me, and yet he still prescribes it cyclically.  The antidepressant is killing all of my good feel brain chemicals, which leads to dissociation, which leads to self-harm. It seems like every road lately is leading back to self-harm. No, I am not at risk of unaliving myself, I have no desire to do so. I just am back to compulsively doing this, as if it’s a ritual that’s going to alleviate all of the other things I’m feeling when all it really does is make me feel guilty. The intersection of medical complexity, and mental illness is one that is largely ignored in disability activism. It seems that you have to be either one,or the other, or you have to focus your entire being on only one of the parts of you when they are actually a multi-headed beast who regenerates every time you feel like you’ve killed off one of the heads. Living with the constant struggle of battling a Hydra because that’s the only option you really have.  People tell me they don’t know how I do it, that they wouldn’t be able to keep up with all of the things I keep up with. Every time they say that I reply with the exact same answer: I don’t have a choice. This is the life I have, this is the body I have, and I have to accept it as it is and treat it as kindly as I can because when I ignore it, it will make me take care of it. I don’t have the luxury of just not taking care of myself for even one day, because if I skip one day of my maintenance routine, I’ll be bedridden for a week.  I wish so badly that I could make people better understand what it’s like to feel like you’re constantly being dragged under while simultaneously trying to pull your own self out of the Swamp Of Sadness, as if you are both Artax and Atreyu at the same time 

[fatwheeliebabe]

I was curious what kind of wheelchair you use if you use one? I’ve been thinking about getting one for my ME/fibro But I have been getting really mixed messages on what the downsides are to getting a wheelchair that isn’t for your weight group? I weigh like 330 pounds and I need a really portable electric wheelchair but they don’t make those for people my size… And I keep wondering yes there is a big downside to using a wheelchair made for smaller people or if it’ll just make the battery run out quick or something like that.

Friend have I got news for you! they DO make foldable power chairs for people your size, as I'm bigger than you and own one! The power chair I own is a Merits P182 and holds up to 700lbs, with a 24" seat! It's frame weighs 100lbs, though, and the two batteries combined weigh another 86lbs, so we had to install a wheelchair carrier on our car to move the power chair around.

When I'm not using a power chair I use a Sentra Bariatric Extra Extra Wide wheelchair that also supports up to 700lbs, but I'm not self propelling and my PCA moves me in it so it works for my needs. It IS easy moving enough that I CAN move it on my own, so that's a plus.

The downside to power chairs that aren't rated for your weight is that you can completely burn out the motors, the battery WILL die quicker, and there's the possibility of frame/hardware failure as well. I LOVE my Merits P182 because it's super stable, and gives me great freedom.

They have others in their P100 line that hold less weight (I believe one holds up to 450!) that are slightly cheaper than the P182, as well!

[fatwheeliebabe]

= On today’s episode of Discussing Medication Side Effects That Are Rarely Mentioned we will be talking about a side effect that comes from a combination of an SSRI and Wellbutrin.  It is well known that SSRIs kind of completely kill your sex drive in a lot of cases. This is not a problem for me, as I’m asexual and I don’t do the sex thing. It’s not a big deal. But the second time I was put on Zoloft, I was already on Wellbutrin to manage my ADHD symptoms because I can’t take stimulants.  Apparently, Zoloft and Wellbutrin combined can cause spontaneous orgasms. Yeah. Literally no one mentioned that to me. They happen from almost any emotional stimuli, and they are incredibly embarrassing and intense when you first start experiencing them. I only took Zoloft for about a year at that time, but once I was off of it the spontaneous orgasms didn’t stop. I still have them, just less frequently, and they’re less disruptive now.  However, I’m back on Zoloft because I’m seeing that same psychiatrist who prescribed me it in the first place. I’m loathe to tell him that I experience spontaneous orgasm because he seems the sort of psychiatrist who would completely deny that possibility. (When I saw him last, I told him the Zoloft was causing me to have heart palpitations. He told me that was impossible. It’s very obviously not, and is one of the serious side effects to look out for.)  Spontaneous orgasms might sound like they’re something fun, and like it’d be something you could just kick back and enjoy when it happens but the truth is it never happens in a setting where it’s appropriate to have one. A woman who was used as anecdotal evidence in a New York Times article about this had her first orgasm in months, spontaneously, while shopping. It lasted on and off for about two hours. She had no control over it, but saw it as a positive because she had been unable to perform or climax for some time before this due to her being on Zoloft alone.  I’m gonna link the article here, because I think it’s really important that people know that this is a thing that can happen.  https://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/25/health/a-pills-surprises-for-patient-and-doctor-alike.html?fbclid=IwAR1Y4P0E0viXWewNXDFKs4L8PshVuvIWCIKPwHYnBazubYXr5GrB9wCmNlM

[fatwheeliebabe]

[fatwheeliebabe]

i find it fucking wild that when I’m “normal” sick, I actually feel better than I do at my average baseline.  It’s like my immune system actually has an infection to fight, instead of attacking my body, and because of that I have more energy and less brain fog.

[fatwheeliebabe]

My rheumatologist wants me to see a cardiologist, and a nephrologist to make sure I’m not having heart failure and that my kidneys are alright. Apparently if I’m not having any heart problems, I’ll be put back on Humira.  The nephrologist was booking out into MARCH OF 2022. I made the appointment in JUNE for MARCH OF NEXT YEAR. I’ve had hematuria for 4 years. Last November I passed a kidney stone. I passed another one in March of this year.  I’ve got a homogenous ANA titer pattern, and all of the symptoms of Lupus besides the butterfly rash on my face, and I’ve been asking that they treat me as if I have lupus for ages and I’m gonna be so fucking mad if my kidneys are fucked up and that’s what makes them go “Oh you DO have SLE.”  I’ve been working at getting properly diagnosed for literally 12 years. Since I was 22, and my back started being messed up and I was told that it was just a herniated disc that was pinching my sciatic nerve. Turns out that I have psoriatic arthritis that has been attacking my joints this entire time.  why is it impossible to get medical professionals to actually listen to you and your symptoms and take them seriously? Especially as a fat person. 

[fatwheeliebabe]

I forgot how sick doing things actually makes me in the aftermath. I had a friend up for the weekend to celebrate my birthday, and then I literally slept for 21 hours yesterday, and another 9 today, and am running a VERY MILD fever, and just feel like junk.  It’d be nice if my immune system could stop attacking my body, but I can’t be on immunosuppressants during the pandemic because I was on them for two months in the middle of it, developed bronchitis, and couldn’t shake it until I stopped taking them. It took two rounds of prednisone, and my discontinuing my Humira for me to get better.  I’m so sick of not being able to do anything or go anywhere, y’all. Like... I just want to be able to go grocery shopping, or to Five Below, or fuckin’ Target. I have incredibly basic wants.

[fatwheeliebabe]

When you have multiple illnesses and you get grief over your health.