fathiyauzma

[fathiyauzma]

God can cure depression?

Now, I mentioned before that I am an agnostic. Not necessarily an apostate, renunciation of the religion of some sort. But more of, discreetly being open to learning the truth, whatever that may be.Yes, I am depressed. Majority of the time. People who are sad usually have a reason for being sad and will eventually rebound after a little music or movie, or jokes. Whereas depression can occur internally without any external forces to trigger the sadness, And the sadness tends to be a prolonged emotion. It could go on for months or heck, even years. I find myself finding God giving me a sense of hope, when I’m feeling hopeless or helpless. But at the same time, I have this feeling that it’s really not there, it’s just a sunk cost effect (will explain this theory in my coming Tumblr updates). 

I have spent most of my life believing. So maybe it’s that memory of not being in my depressed state whenever I was praying. It’s that release of all the suppressed emotions and letting go of the control that you have of lack thereof. It’s the sense of hope, whatever that means. Other than that, it’s the feeling of holding on to something or somebody that gives us hope. Therefore we wanna give it to an unseen being like God just cause it has no clear explanation and it seems more fantasy-like in a way.. It’s like running away to a secret world, a secret realm, a place to hide from the world for a few minutes. To be in a play.

A play can also mean our state of trance, where we can truly be ourselves, not this pious pretentious being that we try to put out there to avoid discrimination from the society, but our true selves; lust, sin and all. 

That’s how I feel prayer should feel like, it shouldn’t feel like an obligation. It should feel sincere, honest and bare. 

[fathiyauzma]

Ascending past the stigma

When I see a person who is disliked by many people & they're always on their own, I tend to get near those people, because I'm not prejudiced. I always try to remember that people are disliked due to many implausible & rather ridiculous reasons, such as jealousy & etc. I try to understand human behavior & understand why they are what people call an öutcast". When they slowly open up to me, it turns out they're fine people, they're just different & difference scares others. People find it hard for them to fit the puzzle. In fact, they were not even given any chance at anything. Sometimes, well most of the time, they have a reason for being, the way they are. & people are downright terrified of being able to be the one who understands as comprehending is rare. The more people drift apart from them, the closer I get to knowing a pearl in a clam. Most of the time, they do things differently & usually due to very legit reasons. It's not called hypocrisy, it's called trying to survive in a new environment. We don't follow others & try to abhor the same person, we breakthrough, ascend past how others think. Be the unique thinker a& an open minded person. You won't die from trying to break free from how others think. You step up and be the neutral person.

[fathiyauzma]

A little painting of pleasant things. 

[fathiyauzma]

The Addictive Charms of Kdrama & Jdrama

I was watching the Korean Series TV Show “You Are My Destiny 2014″. The two met while they were on a trip in Macau. I mean, they met before, in a very awkward circumstance but they didn’t introduce themselves. The two only got tangled in a very messed up situation when they were on a trip to Macau. Which is unrealistic really, if we were to travel some place, we might fall in love with some random sweet guy with a unique accent. In this series however, they fell in love with their own kind. I mean human of course (nothing like Twilight, inserts nervous laughter). What I meant by their own kind is the people in their own country, living in the same state and town. Highly unlikely, don’t you think? To travel somewhere far only to meet and fall in love with someone who lives in our hometown. -_-

I mean, that’s why they’re called fictitious drama, because they were meant to capture our hearts and make us engulfed over their love story as if the storyline was never heard of before.I, for one, already know this fact but I kept spiraling and crying over every drama as if I’ve never heard of such story in my life. I mean, I know the intention of the producers of the drama and who are their target audience (ME!), yet I keep stereotyping myself into the target audience as if to confirm it further. I mean, if we were to know the intentions, however pure or evil their intentions are; when we know, we wouldn’t fall for it so easily. But as fir me, I am a lost cause. Cause I already know it yet I fall for EVERY SINGLE drama.

I can’t even name ONE Korean drama that does not touch my soul. Japanese drama on the other hand, is special. The more unrealistic it is, the more it is hard to predict. The boys are too dreamy to be possibly alive in this world. Because the men are far-fetched, they belong only in that realm. This is why when the drama ends, you are in a sort of limbo, not wanting the drama to end cause you won’t find any guy like that in the real world. So you would watch the drama from the first season again, as if falling in love at first sight again. 

THE ADDICTIVE CHARMS OF KOREAN AND JAPANESE DRAMA.

[fathiyauzma]

My fav movie ever. Pride and Prejudice

The family consists of 5 girls, which I can relate to profoundly. I have 5 siblings as well,all girls. I was always told I looked and acted more like the eldest, Jane Bennet. I am in fact, the eldest as well. That was back then when I was “elegant” and more feminine, now I’m a messed up very tomboy-ish grown woman. Ghastly. I used to be soft spoken, very submissive as far as I can remember. Now I’m more outspoken like Princess Jasmine of Agrabah. My second sister, Mia, is more like Elizabeth Bennet, she is very prideful and protective of her family, same like the character. My sister, Mia, is also very protective of me. just as when Elizabeth protected Jane from a heartbreak. Oh, Mr Bingley!

[fathiyauzma]

I got all of it. <3 Been a JoJo fan since I was 13. 

JoJo (Debut Album) | The High Road (Album) | Can’t Take That Away From Me (Mixtape) | Agape (Mixtape) | #LoveJo (EP) | #LoveJo2 (EP) | Tringle (3 singles) | MAD LOVE (Album - Release date: 10.14.16)

[fathiyauzma]

Placebo - My Sweet Prince

Speaking of darkness, I think this is pretty ominous

[fathiyauzma]

I love old books and old libraries. 

[fathiyauzma]

s.n.a.k.e.s

Dreams.. I’m talking about dreams of one. Snakes has always been my biggest fear, and a recurring nightmare. I will speak one by one of my dreams in this blog. As for now, let’s go back to the topic on snakes. According to Sigmund Freud’s “Interpretation of Dreams”, snakes are a phallic symbol that is connected to a male figure in someone’s life, but he also mentioned that it represents sexual energy. My thoughts however, it depends on the emotions felt during the dream and the color of the environment of that dream. I am not one to interpret dreams as showing our future but if the future happens to be the same one seen in the dream, that is then an astronomic coincidence. Personally, I believe that dreams reflect our psychological state and it’s vital to comprehend that state of mind in order to understand ourselves better.

In the dream, my hamster, Seaweed was frantic for no reason, I was trying to understand her behavior as it was very unusual for her to behave that way. She’s usually very calm with me. Then, I saw a tiny white snake, it was unusually small, only 5 inches. The snake was not moving but it wasn’t dead. I tried to save my hamster really quickly. But it was too late, my hamster had already showed signs of being poisoned. I was so scared. It’s been months since my last hamster, Algernon, died. I felt guilty for his death for months as I was the one that spilled his drinking water in his cage, only to find out later that hamsters’ fur cannot tolerate water and can be fatal if they’re drenched in water. Algernon was wet all over when I found him, it was too late then. He was already on the brink of death. There was no way I could ever revive him. From then on, I kept having nightmares of him being alive and dead again. OVER AND OVER, like it’s laughing at me, for being neglectful and stupid.

I had Seaweed, my hamster, for three months now. Let’s hope that she lives up to a year or more. I love her too much, I’m all attached to her now.

[fathiyauzma]

Ólafur Arnalds - Only The Winds (Live on KEXP)

I have always been a fan of classical music, the darker it sounds, the more I like it. This one is definitely not dark, this one is just nice to the ears.

I know people hate Twilight, but Twilight is my guilty pleasure, I even love the scores by Carter Burwell and Alexandre Desplat. But if I wanted it to be darker, maybe Danny Elfman.

[fathiyauzma]

HERE IT IS. 

[fathiyauzma]

No. I am not a satanist

Just as there is (presumably) no god, there is also no satan. There are spirits, like ourselves however. Again, not backed up with science, haven’t done my research. Atheists don’t worship satan, people gotta stop will all these nonsensical theories. How can atheists worship satan if they don’t believe in it? Atheists are simply atheists, they don’t believe in “god” or any deity. I learned from Ricky Gervais, he’s one of the outspoken atheists celebrities in this world, he said that there are around 2,999 (estimated) Gods and each of them claim to be the real God,and  they all say that there is only one real God amongst the 2,999, so which is it? I watched Ricky Gervais’ talk, specifically the one on Netflix titled “Humanity” and I was MINDBLOWN! This guy has got some serious sense of dark humor and I love this guy, crazy as he is. Apart from all the slander with Bruce Jenner and other dark humor of Ricky Gervais, I was most stumbled by the fact that he spoke of his joke about cancer that shook the world with anger. People were saying “so you think cancer is funny?” Ricky Gervais simply answered “No, I don’t think cancer is funny, I think the jokes ABOUT cancer is funny.” Then the people replied “ So, you do think cancer is funny?”. (Again, when people are really into their argument, they don’t read between the lines well, suddenly illiterate). “Depending on the context of the joke”, said Ricky Gervais. He’s right. Sometimes, life is too short to be taking things into a personal attack (note to self). Laugh a little, forget moral values for the sake of laughing. Laughter is a medicine. Everyone is trying to play God in this vast world, let’s eliminate ourselves from all these judgmental “Gods” who are in fact mere mortals. and have ourselves a blasphemous joke. Same applies to jokes about religion. Religion is not funny, JOKES “ABOUT” religion is funny. SO take a chill pill, shove it down our throats. and have ourselves a merry little Christmas.

P.S : I don’t know why I ended it on that note, but it sounds right.

[fathiyauzma]

I.AM.AN.AGNOSTIC

Before you throw knives at me, atleast hear me out. Here’s my story. I was born a Muslim, grew up in a very religious family. These following statements may sound like I’m intentionally bragging, but I’m not,so here goes nothing. I was slapped on the head if I recited the Quran with imperfect tajwid. If I read  ح as    هـ, which is both pronounced as “ha” but with very different emphasis on the “H”. I was taught Quran since young, even taught how to recite it like those professional reciters (I think, they call it tarannum, correct me if I’m wrong). At 14, I memorized the Asma-Ul-Husna, till this day, I do. I was brought to a seminar called “ESQ” which stands for Emotional Spritirual Quotient by the Indonesian founder named Ary Ginanjar Agustian, he taught Islam based on geography, science and history, which I’m guilty of liking. They even had games that are super fun to play and get us all hooked, by the end of the game, the host would tell us why was the game played and connect it to their scientific studies of Islam. The facilitators of ESQ would switch off lights and speak of the prophets’ tales in such a heartbreaking way, and keep the lights off for us to cry, which I cried as well. I never left my prayers, I would even wake up at night just to do my tahajjud prayers. Allah was always in my heart & mind at all times, I didn’t need to wear headscarf to prove that I believed in him blindly and without question. I recited the Quran, read the translations day by day. Until...I realized something..There were a lot of repetitions and twisted riddles and unanswered questions. that’s when I began to ask a lot of questions. A lot may say,  an atheist is an atheist cause they don’t read the Quran, they don’t study the religion, “How can you love Allah when you don’t even know Him?”. But here’s the thing, the Quran itself already speaks about Him, a lot. Turst me, most atheist actually reads. That’s why they’re called free thinkers, cause they don’t limit their knowledge just because they don’t believe in something. The more I read, the more confused I get, the more (excuse my word), bullshit, it seems. In search of the truth ( I actually didn’t give up), I watched all Zakir Naik’s videos because people said he’s good, and watched several others to find something, but nothing. there was even a video in which Zakir Naik couldn’t answer the question of a fellow atheist. The fellow atheist was ready to convert back IF and only IF Zakir Naik could answer his question, but he kept reciting pieces of the Quran (note that he read it in arabic), as if agnostics could understand that and then blow up unstudied facts with many major errors and made up stories to back up his answer. He again, failed. Whatever it is, I think God or any deity if it exists, gave us brains for us to question, and so that when we find the truth, we believe it with complete understanding and not by blind faith.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[fathiyauzma]

Welcome, earth dwellers to my humble blog.

To start off, I just wanna start blogging again, since blogging is not mainstream like Facebook and Instagram, I wanna vent in a place that is not necessarily private but definitely not open either. Somewhere in the gray area. It will be like a little diary, but I wanna upgrade from the old me. I used to write a lot in my other blogs, but they were usually “dear diary” and stuff, and some can be quite shallow, now looking back. I don’t expect to be found here, however, if someone finds me here, it will be okay as well. You might just be curious about what’s going on in my head, whether I’m normal or not. LOL. Just Kidding. My point is, this is a safe place.