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The Life and Death of True Love (A Modern Day Tragedy)

It has been exactly 5 months, 1 week, and 1 day since he broke up with me. For seemingly unknown reasons at the time...

For his protection all names except my own with be changed. All recounts are from my personal memory.

I loved him...I still love him. The fact that I still love him scares me. What does that say about me as a person? Does that mean I’m weak? Does that mean I like the abuse? I’m even scared as to what my friends will think about me writing this. 

We had been friends since I was 16. I still remember the first time I met him. My aunt was very sick and my family decided to go to her hospital room on the 4th of July and have a picnic. My cousin Jen walked in with her new boyfriend at the time Chris. Chris was dressed in an ugly yellow tee shirt, old and clearly the wrong size, as it was tight. He also wore jeans and these hideous brown shoes that were in style back then. Tall and VERY skinny, brown hair and brown eyes, and obviously over gelled spikey hair, wearing glass, this guy was a complete nerd. 

I didn’t think much of him. My cousin Jen has had a handful of boyfriends so I wasn’t sure how long it was going to last, so I never paid much attention to him. It wasn’t my sweet sixteen birthday party on the beach that I started to become friends with this 25 year old man at the time. As a full disclosure our friendship was always innocent, I never thought of him in that way the entire time he was in a relationship with my cousin Jen. 

Shortly after my birthday we started hanging out all together once a week, and over a course of a few years, multiple times a week. I always kind of felt bad though, because I always kind of felt like the third wheel unless our other friend Stan was there. I always thought their relationship seemed odd. He was never the type of guy to hold her hand in public, or kiss her, or even tell her ‘I love you’. She almost had to force those things from him. 

When I was 19, Jen finally had broken up with Chris. It sucked because I had become close to both of them. So instead of picking sides I tried to stay neutral. About a month after they had broke up with each other, he contacted me. At first with casual conversation, then a few days after that it switched to something else. I don’t have those exact messages, but heres what happened. 

One night he asked to hang out around 10:30PM which wasn’t uncommon for us. So he picked me up and instead of going back to his apartment to watch a movie or play video games he heads a different way then I’m used to. He ended up driving to the beach. We got out and walked in the moonlight. I was talking about some really deep personal shit. Stuff I was feeling about my dying aunt’s situation, and how my family life was affecting me. Once we got to the pier he stopped me and said,

“There’s something I want to ask you. But I’m afraid you won’t like it and hate me.” 

I told him just to spit it out. And then next words out of his mouth completely shocked me. 

“I really want to sleep with you.” 

This guy has known me since I was 15 AND dated my own cousin and he wants to sleep with me? What a creep! So of course my immediate reaction was 

“NO! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!” 

But then I kept thinking in the back of my mind on the way back to the car. Thinking things I shouldn’t have been thinking about. I had been a virgin, I’ve never ever kissed a guy up until that point. This was my chance. He was my best guy friend, someone who I knew and trusted. If anyone was going to take my virginity, at least it would be with someone I liked, knew, and trusted already. 

When drove back to his apartment I thought about it some more. Kept telling myself no. But always coming back to the answer of yes. Eventually I gave him my answer. And we both agreed it would just be “Friends with Benefits.” 

The next day I received this message from him. 

 “Plan on heart break if you go through with this. There's probably no way to avoid "feeling feelings."  I have to be a pretty horrible/selfish person to want to do this if you think about it. Think about how bad you are at bluffing around Dan too. Send me your list... like the candles. Tomorrow night works for me. Maybe come over around 7pm after you eat and get prepared. Somebody is already suspicious so if you want to leave crappy and prepare at my place that's fine. Coming over early and going back home early should help too.”

That Friday we made plans. Had this whole elaborate plot for him to park somewhere else, that I would be spending the night at a ‘friend’s’ house, and wouldn’t be back til the next morning. He had cleaned his house, picked up candles, all for me. Eventually when he picked me up not knowing what was in store. 

Once again he took me to the beach, and he decided that we were going to fly a kite that he had in his trunk. Great first date idea! Bad execution on my part. He stood behind me trying to teach me how to fly the damn thing, and eventually when I was on my own flying it I ended up crashing the thing down HARD a few feet away from where he was standing. I could have really hurt him. It still makes me laugh to think about it to this day. 

After that we went over to this food shack near the beach called Dune Dog. I got something small and inexpensive since he was paying for it and didn’t want to appear like I was taking advantage of him. After a great meal there, the sun was setting and it was time to go back to his apartment. I was all sandy and gross, so we both decided to take a shower, separately of course. I changed into a simple pair of shorts and tee shirt. 

It was still early in the evening so I thought it would be a good idea to watch a movie. The movie I picked was Clueless. He didn’t have a TV so we had to watch on his giant computer monitor. He sat in his computer chair while I sat on his piano bench. Throughout the movie, my eyes were glued to the screen, scared of what to do and where to look. Luckily he had bought my tall cans on Mike’s Hard Lemonade which I was downing at a rapid pace. 

Half way through the movie I turned at looked at him. He looked at me deeply into my eyes. Gently grabbed my face and went in for a kiss. Now you have to remember, this was my VERY FIRST KISS! I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. But I will never forget that kiss, because every single guy I’ve been with or dated since him couldn’t compare. 

It was like fireworks. It felt right, like it was meant to be. And from that very first kiss I knew I was in trouble. There would be no way I could be ‘Friends With Benefits’. I was in love from the very first moment when kissed. Our entire friendship I had never thought of him that way, and everything changed for me in one kiss. 

I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but I did end up losing my virginity that night to him. Something I’ll never regret to this day. We never went a day without seeing each other. We live 1 mile away so it was also convenient. We were falling in love fast, faster than I had ever imagined. He used to send me little sexy memes, funny sayings about sex and stuff.  

So jump forward to September, we have been together for about a month and he needs to go on a work trip and needs someone to watch the house. I offer since I live so close, he agrees and for a few days I was living in the apartment by myself with his cat.    

This was also back in the day when he would end all his messages with: ttyl xoxoxo. 

I don’t remember the first time someone said ‘I love you’. I want to say it was him, but I honestly want to say it was me. If I remember correctly we had been together for about 2 months and we were laying on the bed together before we went to sleep. I had my head on his chest and admitted that I couldn’t do this ‘Friends with Benefits’ thing anymore, because it truely never was. It was always a relationship from the get go for me. For him, who knows? 

Somehow I started coming over more and more often and never leaving. So eventually I just lived at the apartment about 6 months into our relationship. The whole time keeping our relationship secret from both our families. The worst idea I ever had. 

Eventually we moved out of the apartment and rented a stand alone house. I quit my job and Chris was supporting me 100%. I basically became a stay at home girlfriend. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the animals. In November of 2014, after being together for 1 year, on our way home from dinner, Chris broke up with me, because he just didn’t love me the same way I loved him. 

I packed up my stuff and moved it all back home, my family fully aware of our relationship at this point. In the month that we were apart we kept in close contact as we were still best friends. Trying to help him with online dating and stuff like that.

I was at my friends annual christmas party which we were supposed to go to together. He messaged me and asked me if I wanted to come over and spend the night. Stupid me was thinking he meant sleep over, but no sex. So I brought my sexiest night time outfit and went over to his place. When it was time to go to bed we slipped under the covers together, me staring at the ceiling and him staring at me. I rolled over to look at him. We just starred in silence at each other. He spoke up first. 

“I really missed you.” He whispered to me. 

He gently started rubbing my wrists.

“I missed you too.” I said.

Before I could even finished my sentence he pulled me in for a passionate kiss. When we broke apart after our kiss, I said,

“Say it.” 

And he smiled and said

“I love you.”

I could tell he actually meant it, and we made love that night. Everything felt right again in the world. I had always heard that line ‘If you love something set it free, and if it comes back it truely loves you.’ So that’s what I did and he came back. What I didn’t realize at the time, he couldn’t deal with his own loneliness. He would rather pretend he’s in love than to be alone. I couldn’t have known this at the time though. 

So for the next two years things were great! I was so in love with him that I had made it up in my mind that this was the man I was going to marry and be with for the rest of my life. And I was happy with that mindset. 

Things started going downhill in December of 2016. It was his office christmas party. Everyone dressed up and was looking great. We went outside to get some air and ran into the girl that would eventually end our relationship, April. Chris introduced me to April and we immediately hit it off. She is a big girl like myself, but she gave zero fucks, where I at the time was self conscious and timid. 

From the moment I met her though I had this feeling. Maybe it was my jealousy or maybe it was the way she looked at Chris. But something felt off with her. Flash forward a few months and Chris and I were getting ready for bed. All of a sudden he says to me

“Are you happy?” 

I say of course I am. Somehow 2 hours later after talking we came to the conclusion that I should leave the house that he had bought, the house that I picked out for us. 

A week or so leading up to this event we actually went out one Saturday night with April. To some dive bar for karaoke 45 minutes away from where we lived. It was strange because Chris and I NEVER went out with his co workers, let alone any female co workers. Out of the three and half years that we were together he never once went out for happy hour with the guys. So it felt strange. 

A few days after that I found messages on his phone. Flirty messages, nothing substantial though. But it was obviously flirtatious. But I never brought it up to him. 

After I moved back home, I was destroyed and what followed in the weeks after has left me scarred beyond belief. At first it he made it seem that we were only separated and would get back together. He made me believe that our situation was only temporary. I was foolish enough to believe him. 2 weeks later, I’m still living at home have little to no contact with Chris. I call him and ask,

“What are you doing tonight? I thought maybe we could see each other?”

He replies,

“I had plans to go out tonight.” 

In my head, I knew I was his ONLY friend, and thats not an understatement. I knew he was going out that night with her. 

“With April right? Did you fuck her?” I asked. 

There was dead silence over the phone. My heart broke instantly. So I did the stupidest thing I could do, I lost my sanity. Once he finally answered me, that he had in fact fucked her multiple times during our period of separation. A time when he was supposed to focusing on himself and figuring out how to fix our relationship. I sure it was easy for him to do it thought especially since they work together. Seeing each other everyday, flirting, maybe more. 

So after hanging up the phone, I did the only sensible thing I could do. I put on my sexiest lingerie, full face of makeup, the tallest hooker heels, that I owned, and drove out to his house to ‘win’ him back. When I arrived I told him that I wanted to talk and that I would wait for him after his ‘date’. Hours rolled by. Eventually it was 2AM and he finally texted me back. 

Hey I’m not coming home. April drank too much and can’t drive.

I felt like I wanted to throw up. I knew that was a lie. He wanted to spend the night at her house. So I threw out an ultimatum. 

If you want anything to do with me or this relationship you will leave her and come home. 

I sat nervously for the next 15 minutes unsure of what was happening. After all my waiting I got my response. 

Ok I’ll be home in 45 minutes. 

I got this rush of excitement I hadn’t felt in a while. He picked me! I won! True love prevailed and the whore lost! It was liberating. I patiently waited for him to arrive, constantly adjusting myself and looking in the mirror to make sure I looked sexy enough. When he finally walked through the door, I could help myself I walked up to him and said,

“I missed you.” 

And kissed him deeply. His jaw dropped, I typically would have never done something like that, put on the full outfit just for him. I held him by his hand and led him to our bedroom. When we got there I controlled myself and didn’t immediately pounce on him. But I needed to know that he was all mine, that I had won. 

We talked for about 30 minutes and discussed that I had indeed won, that he chose me over her. That he wanted this to work. So after that we had probably the best sex we’ve ever had. Unknowing to me at the time, it would also be the last time we would have sex. 

After we were finished I felt like a new couple again. My love for him invigorated and rejuvenated. We laid there laughing and giggling, something we hadn’t done in a long time. Finally I asked him,

“Do you want me to stay or go?”

He looked at my with an intense stare. 

“I want you to stay with me.” 

So I did. 

The next morning I woke up and everything was hunky dory again. My world was back in place, and everything was right. The birds were singing louder, the sun was shining brighter. I knew deep down in my heart that this was my partner, this was my husband, and the love of my life. 

After I went home a few days later things changed. He wasn’t responding to me at all. Eventually one day he picked me up in his car just to talk. We drove around talking about all kinds of stuff, but he talked about his relationship with April the most. Saying things like. 

“It was different with her. When I was with her I wanted to touch her all the time and kiss her all the time, something I don’t feel when I’m with you. She and I have this connection. Where we don’t have to say anything at all and she completely gets me.”

Imagine sitting in a car and having the love of your life say these hurtful things to you. I felt like opening up the car down and just rolling out. 

A few days after that we went on a day date. He picked me up, we went to lunch, then the beach, to my favorite spot in the world. A spot that I have never shown him throughout our 3.5 years of being together, even in our 8 year friendship. I kept dropping hints that I wanted to go back to our house for sex, and he kept discreetly shutting me down. 

A day or two after that everything fell apart. He admitted to me, it wasn’t working, he only saw me as a friend. Once he had a taste of April he was hooked, she was like a drug to him. So he broke up with me, once and for all. This after physically looking me in my face and telling me how much he loved me, when he had no more love for me at all. 

I was devastated. I still am. To this day I still find myself trapped in wanting him. Does he miss me the same way I miss him? Probably not. I sent him a very nasty and venomous, hateful message about how much of a scumbag he is, and how much I hated him....at the time. After everything he’s done to me, the lying, the cheating, the manipulation, the controlling, I still love him. 

I don’t know what that says about me, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m even going to send him a link to this post and hopefully he reads it. I’m scared to think about what he will think of me. Will he think i’m some crazy psycho ex who needs a restraining order? Or will he think fondly of the life we shared together? The fact that what he thinks about me, still matters so much to me is frightening. But, when you’ve lost everything, you learn to take comfort in the unknown. 

I remain optimistic that maybe one day we can be friends, or something more. But I’m not holding my breath. I feel like i’m so damaged at this point that no normal guy will ever want to love me. Why would someone willingly pick someone with so much baggage. 

Either way, I’m learning about a whole new side of myself, and finding the parts I lost along the way. I hope whoever reads this gets something out of it. Wether that be a message of positivity, or maybe a warning that nothing good lasts forever. The most important message I hope you get is never stop loving yourself, because in the end, there is only you.

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Chapter 2 - Bring Me To The Light (A Kylo Ren/Ben Solo Fanfic)

READ FULL STORY AT: https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/58258933-bring-me-to-the-light-a-kylo-renben-solo-fanfic

Stormtroopers are everywhere. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest as I look around at the decaying village around me. Explosions. Chaos. Everyone I know being slaughtered like animals. I walk over to bodies scattered all around me. I feel as though my legs are in slow motion while everything around falls apart in regular time. I see a man in  a dark cloak walking towards me. He grabs me by the neck and starts choking me. I can't breathe!

I gasp for air as I wake up in a cold sweat. I quickly wrap my hands around my neck to see if that man was still choking me. Of course he wan't, but that nightmare felt so real. That man in my dream. Something was different about him. It almost felt like I had knew him. His face was covered by something but I couldn't really see what.

I rolled over in my sweat stained sheets and tried to go back to sleep.

It had been four years since I left the resistance base commanded by General Organa. I was very upset at her and Han for making Ben leave to become a Jedi. The same day he left, so did I. I managed to get a ride on a trade ship headed for Jakku. I was young and naive. I was so angry that I didn't even care where I was going. When the trade ship finally landed on the sandy planet I knew I had made a mistake, but there's no way I could go back now. Especially after all the things I said. This was my new life.

I was sold into slavery, bought by a wealthy woman in need of a servant. Being her slave wasn't so bad. I had three square meals a day, clothes, and a warm place to sleep. My duties were mainly doing house chores and the occasional errand.

One day we were at a market and I happened to notice a man in a brown cloak leaning against a shop, starring at me. People didn't really stare at slaves so it made me feel uneasy knowing he was. He walked up to my owner. He was an older man in his late sixty's with white hair and a white beard. He had kind eyes.

"Hello madame," He said to my owner bowing.

"Oh, hello, is there something I can do for you?" She asked inquisitively.

"Yes, I think you can. I would like to take this girl off your hands." He said smiling and looking at me.

I was not allowed to speak unless spoken to.

"Are you mad? This girl is the best help I've ever had. I wouldn't dream of giving her up you." She said confidently.

"Are you sure there's no price that could change your mind?" He asked hoping.

"Absolutely not! Now I must insist you leave immediately!" She hissed.

The man simply looked in her eyes and said,

"You will release this girl to me, you will be happy with this decision." He said calmly.

She turned to me and started to undo my collar that she would drag me by.

"I will release this girl to you, I will be happy with this decision." She said in a monotone and walked away.

I rubbed my neck as the collar fell. I looked at the man in disbelief.

"How did you do that?" I asked.

"With some training I could teach you. I'm San by the way. You are?" He asked.

"Im Enkeli, my friends call me Keli." I said as I reached out my hand to meet his.

"I live in a little village outside of town here, I could teach you the ways of the force." He said.

"As a slave?" I asked.

"No silly girl. I'm afraid we have a misunderstanding. I want you to come as a free woman. You would get you're own hut and I would train you in combat and in the secret ways of the force." He said calmly.

"Well, I do owe you a great deal, I don't really want to be on my own on this planet either, so I guess it would be alright." I said.

"Follow me." He said.

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Chapter 1 - Bring Me To The Light (A Kylo Ren/Ben Solo Fanfic)

READ FULL STORY AT: https://www.wattpad.com/201008132-bring-me-to-the-light-a-kylo-ren-ben-solo-fanfic

I can't say I remember much of my family. I can remember people rushing around and screaming as men in white armor were shooting at us. I can't even remember what my mother and father looked like. What I do remember, is when I met him for the very first time.

I was on a ship carrying other refugees that were saved from the Galactic Empire. Mother's clinging onto their children, and men and women who were separated from their families. I was only 6 years old. My parents were dead and I had no other family in the galaxy. So there I was, on a planet I've never heard of, with a bunch of strangers I had never met. The man who was watching over me was instructed to take me to see the General of the base we were on, to figure out what to do with me.

When the man finally introduced me to the General, I was surprised at how beautiful she was. She leaned down and whispered to me,

"Everything is going to be ok now. What's your name?"

"Enkeli." I replied shyly.

"What a pretty name for a pretty girl. Is it ok if I call you Keli?" she asked.

I shook my head yes and she took me by the hand. She took me inside, clothed me, gave me a warm meal. For the first time since escaping I had completely forgot about everything that had happened. As the General was trying to get me to open up, a boy walked in and called the same woman I was talking to,

"Mother!" he yelled as he jumped in her arms.

"Ben! You're home early." She said.

"Father said I could come home early from blaster training today," the boy said excitedly.

"And where is you're father?" She asked.

A man walked through the door. He was handsome, tall, and had a friendly face.

"I'm right here Leia." He said.

"Han, I thought he was supposed to train all day?"

"The kid works hard. I thought he needed a little break, and plus he kept insisting that we come home early for some reason.  You wouldn't happen to know why, would you?" He asked.

"Well, some of our fighters managed to save a few refugees from the battle. One of them is that little girl over there. A soldier told me that she is alone because her family was killed. She doesn't have anyone to take care of her." She said as she turned to look at me.

As they were talking the boy came up to me. He was a few years older then I was. He had dark brown hair and the most beautiful piercing brown eyes I've ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Ben Solo. Who are you?" He said smiling as he sat down next to me.

"My name is Enkeli. But your mom calls me Keli." I said.

"What a funny name." He said laughing.

*****************************************************************************************************

YEARS LATER

"I love sitting out here, don't you Ben?" I asked.

"It's ok." he replied sighing.

We were at our favorite spot on the whole base. There was a beautiful willow tree that had grown on a hill right on the outskirts of the base. The hill was attached to a crystal clear lake that we frequently swam in. On days that Ben and I weren't training or working we came out to our spot, laid underneath the tree, and just talked. We talked about the past, our hopes, and dreams.

General Organa and Han took me in. I had my own apartment that was attached to their house, so if I needed anything, all I had to do was walk over and ask. Since the day I met Ben we've been inseparable. We would play every single day, even though as we've grown a little older we don't get to play anymore.

"Keli?" He said cautiously.

"Yea?" I answered.

"There's something I need to tell you," He turned and looked at me with tears in his eyes.

I grabbed his hand and laid my head on his shoulder.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Remember how I told you about my Uncle? Well, I'm seventeen now. My mother and father have decided that I am old enough to train with my Uncle and become a Jedi. That would mean years of training without seeing you." He said as a tear rolled down his face.

"Han and Leia just can't ship you off, it's your decision!" I yelled.

"The force is strong in my family, it would be a waste if I didn't train and hone it," he said grabbing my shoulders softly.

Tears started streaming down my face.

"You really want to go?! How can you do this to me? I don't want you to leave me." I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me.

"Keli, I don't want to leave you either, but I have to." He said as he put his hand on the side of my face to wipe away my tears.

"I'm begging you please don't leave me. I don't know what I would do without you." I said looking at him.

He looked deep into my eyes as he whispered into my ear,

"No matter where we go, no matter how far apart, I will always be with you," he said as he kissed me on the forehead.

READ MORE AT https://www.wattpad.com/201008132-bring-me-to-the-light-a-kylo-ren-ben-solo-fanfic

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Hey everyone, i don’t really like to do promo for things like this but here goes. I like writing fanfiction. I know most of the time is gross and sexual but I dont write that pervy shit. I just like taking a concept like Star Wars and writing something completely original in that universe. It’s almost the same as writing a spiderman comic book yourself. But anyways, I love writing and I’m a little scared to share this with you guys, cause you guys are honest af. So here you go. Yes there are a few spelling and grammar mistakes. But it’s fanfiction, it will never get published so slow your roll. Thanks everyone!

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Sold Out?

So this morning I woke up at 9:45 AM to jump onto Livenation.com to purchase concert tickets. Everything seemed normal. I clicked on the ticket page for the venue I would be attending. On the page was a count down timer for when the tickets would go on sale at 10 AM.

Patiently I waited for the countdown clock to hit zero. When it finally did, I typed in the information for some tickets. 2 tickets. Best Available Section. When I clicked the search button I knew I would be able to get something good. When it gave me my results it was a lawn section. I didn’t want to sit in the lawn section, I wanted to sit in an actual seat. So I clicked the search button again, this time was different. 

When the page fully loaded, I was shocked to see that there were no seats available. I thought this seemed odd, that maybe it was the website. So I pressed search again. The same message was on the screen. 

At this point my heart sank. One of my favorite bands was going to play an hour from me and I would not be able to see them. So naturally I started looking at resale ticket sites. What I discovered shocked me. 

I went to multiple websites to price tickets. On Livenation the highest price for a ticket was $75.00 each. On some of these resale sites, tickets went anywhere from $50 to $2,700. You heard me right, $2,700!!! What shocked me the most was the amount of tickets on each of these resale sites that were up for grabs at an insane price point. So naturally I did a little research. 

The venue that I will be attending holds 10,000 people. 2,672 are actual seats and 7,328 are lawn seating. Below listed are these resale sites and their current ticket amounts as of Jan 22 11:04 AM.

Livenation RESALE: 482

Stubhub: 226

Ticketsnow: 154

Razorgator: 130 

That is a total of 992 tickets! 

Those are just four websites I checked. Thats not including the countless other ticket resale sites or ebay. Just from those four sites alone is almost 1/10 of the tickets available. 

That doesn’t seem like a lot but you have to remember most artists have a PRE sale of the show. Meaning those who belong to the band or artist’s fanclub get EARLY access to tickets. Apparently the pre-sale for the show I am going to was going on for a week before the general public could buy any tickets. 

So not only do you lose tickets to ticket resale sites, but the fanclub people get early access to a BIG chunk of tickets, leaving nothing but scraps for everyone else. 

I don’t have any issue with fanclub people, they have every right to have early access. Neither the people who thought they could go, but had other things come up before hand and are reselling. But what I have an issue with is people out there who intentionally buy 10+ tickets at a time, and sell them at a 50%-100% increase. It’s highway robbery. It makes going to see your favorite band extremely difficult now. 

This is ticket scalping, no two ways about it. 

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Dwelling On The Past and Present

     Sometimes I like to think what my life would have been like growing up if I was “normal”. My self esteem might be better. I might know how to dress myself well. I might not have spent so many nights wondering and asking God,

          “Why am I like this?”

     It might have been easier for me to get a boyfriend. It might have been easier to pick out a prom dress. It might have been easier to feel like I was loved by my family. But I can’t change who I am. I have to live with this body to the day I die, so there really is no use in dwelling on what could have been if I was born skinny and pretty. 

     People ask me all the time,

          “Then why don’t you just loose the weight?”

     To them I say, my diseases don’t help. Second, just because I loose weight doesn’t mean my life is going to dramatically change forever. Most likely I will still have to deal with the same mental problems as I do right now. Third, the only way this weight is coming off is with the help of a nutritionist who specializes in my diseases, and I would also need the help of a personal trainer. Both of which are not covered by my insurance, which means I’d have to pay a lot of money for the help I need. Money is something I don’t have right now. 

     My life is not easy and it’s never going to be. Especially when we live in a society when even medical professionals judge you. Not that I need anything sugar coated. I know I’m fat. But theres a difference between TELLING someone they should loose weight and WORKING with someone on developing the right plan to help that person loose weight. It has taken me years to find the right doctor who realizes that I am a special case. It makes me feel good knowing that she cares deeply for my health and well being, mentally and physically. 

     If there’s anyone else like me out there suffering from hypothyroidism AND PCOS please contact me. I would love to hear you story and struggles with weight. 

I’m Tai

Starting Weight: 405lbs

Current Weight: 380lbs

Diagnosed with hypothyroidism and pcos, and this is my ongoing story

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Ugly Ducking To Beautiful Swan?

     One of my favorite TV shows of the 21st century is Ugly Betty. In case you’ve been living in a hole, the show is about a frumpy young woman with braces and glasses named Betty Suarez who becomes an assistant in a high fashion magazine (similar to Vogue or Vanity Fair). Throughout the show there are constant themes of redefining what beauty is, which is amazing. But it got me thinking. Before I get into this rant, I love this show, and I love most rom-coms (romantic comedies). 

     I hate the “Ugly Ducking” theme in television and in movies. Mainly for one reason, it’s always about the girls. The theme is, a girl who is deemed “ugly” by society and is in love with a “beautiful” and or popular guy. The guy never notices her until she changes everything about her appearance and becomes “beautiful” herself. Now the theme also represents the girl growing as a person and also becoming beautiful on the inside, but thats not the point here. The point is, why is it never the guy who is the “ugly” one. 

     In most rom-coms if the guy is the one going after the “beautiful” girl and he’s “ugly”, then by the end of the movie or episode, the girl realizes that he’s a good guy, but on the outside he doesn’t change at all, just the girls perception of him. 

     For for a female example of this theme we looks at a disney classic, The Princess Diaries, starring Anne Hathaway. 

     In the movie frumpy girl Mia is madly in love with the most popular boy in school named Josh. SPOILERS AHEAD: Eventually she finds out she is a princess and is given a complete makeover. After she returns to school from her transformation, the popular guy Josh finally notices her for the first time, and even likes her. (Even though I know this is not the guy she ends up with in the movie). 

Its the same thing, over and over and over again in all of these movies that have a female lead. 

Now let’s look at the male version of this theme. For this example we will use the 90′s classic, Clueless. 

The movie itself is about a hot girl named Claire, and her life as a beverly hills teen in the 90′s. Eventually in the movie we meet her ex step brother named Josh. As the movie progresses its obvious that Josh has feelings for Claire, but she doesn’t notice. But by the end of the movie she realizes that she indeed likes Josh. But the entire time Josh didn’t have a transformation at all. Claire just came to her senses without Josh changing a bit. 

Here’s josh in the very beginning of the movie:

Here is josh at the end. No change. And he still gets the hot girl. 

Why is it, that if you’re a woman you have to look, dress, or act, a certain way to get a man. But the man just has to wait for the woman. It’s insane. Just something to think about….

I’m Tai

Starting Weight: 405lbs

Current Weight: 382lbs 

Diagnosed with hypothyroidism and pcos, and this is my ongoing story. 

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Why I Don’t Need a Man To Tell Me, “You’re Beautiful”

     I don’t want to spout about feministic values because in my case, I love men. There have been plenty of men throughout my life that shaped the person I am today. My Grandfather does everything for my Grandmother. So much so, that nowadays she barely does anything but sit in front of the TV. He takes care of the cleaning, cooking, and everything else she demands. In a way I feel sorry that she has to rely so much on him. Women weren’t independent when she was growing up. Back then, you stayed at home and you relied on your husband for everything. In this present time, more and more women have stopped relying on men to take care of them. 

     The best advice I could give to my future daughter or son is, don’t be someones other half. Someone shouldn’t complete you. You should already mostly completed by the time you want to get married. As a person you shouldn’t have to depend on someone saying “You’re Beautiful”, or “You’re Sexy”. You should already feel that way about yourself. If you don’t, then you need to work on yourself until you do. 

     Do I struggle with self worth and esteem? Of course I do. But 80% of the time I believe that I’m a big, beautiful, diva, who likes to strut her stuff whenever possible.  Do I like to hear men say nice things to me? HELL YEA! But what they think about you, isn’t as important as how you think about you. 

     Now I’m not saying you should have the ego the size of the universe but you have a duty to feel good in your own skin. Being with someone shouldn’t be the only way you feel good about yourself. 

I’m Tai

Starting Weight: 405lbs

Current Weight: 382lbs

Diagnosed with hypothyroidism and pcos, and this my ongoing story 

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Stop Staring at My Food!!

Every time I go out to eat it seems, someone is ALWAYS staring at me like 

     And it’s at places like fast food joints! I get these looks that say “You shouldn’t be eating here.” I don’t understand why someone would look at me that way because, THEY ARE EATING AT A FUCKING FAST FOOD PLACE TOO! We’re both enjoying the greasiness which is fast food. Why does there need to be so much hate when you are doing the exact same thing I am. Just because I’m fat and you’re skinny doesn’t make you better then me. We are both ingesting the same amount of cholesterol and fat as any other person in the place. 

     What’s even worse is, nowadays I’ll take my own food with me when I go out with family or friends to restaurants. I cook a nice healthy meal, put it in a tupperware container, and take it with me to eat inside a restaurant. Strangers judge me even more when I’M NOT eating what they’re eating. 

      My whole family went out to a Five Guys one time (btw no hate on the establishment, just the customers). And because it wasn’t my cheat day, I couldn’t eat burgers, but I was still obligated to go. So I packed my food. It was a delicious quinoa salad with chicken and red peppers. So as my family is eating their burgers, I whip out my container and started to eat. The people at the table next to ours were just staring at me. As if I had a second head growing out. 

     What? Because I’m trying to better myself and eat healthy I’m weird? Or is it because I’m fat? Because I’m fat am I not allowed to eat in public? Because I’m fat am I not supposed to eat at all? It’s absolutely crazy. All I wanted was to eat my quinoa in peace. But I digress. 

     A lot of people have already started messaging about my blog! One of the things they ask me is 

          “What are you eating to lose weight?”

     The answer to that is pretty simple. I eat breakfast everyday. Usually a waffle and a glass of water. Sometimes I switch it up and eat a fresh piece of fruit instead. Then usually for lunch I eat left overs from whatever I made the night before. Now I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I’m sort of super star amazing chef, when I’m not. I’m a decent cook who can make food taste good just not incredible. Anyways, for dinner my philosophy is:

          Only use fresh ingredients. If you can’t understand the ingredients on a package or can don’t eat it. 

     I usually portion out my food so my plate is 1/2 veggies, 1/4 some sort of carb like pasta, grains, or bread. And the last 1/4 is my protein. 8 out of 10 meals is either turkey or chicken. 

     That’s it! I’m trying to get into exercising, but it’s just so goddamn boring.

I’m Tai

Starting Weight: 405lbs

Current Weight: 383lbs

Diagnosed with hypothyroidism and pcos, and this is my ongoing story.  

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

Gross and Icky Things About Me

     So because I have hypothyroidism and PCOS, there are a lot of symptoms that come from these diseases. If you look on the Mayo Clinic web page they list all the symptoms there. But to save you time and energy (because opening up another tab is so hard #firstworldproblems) I’ll give them down here. 

All of these symptoms listed apply to me. However not every symptom is listed because these diseases affect people differently. 

HYPOTHYROIDISM SYMPTOMS:

Coarse and thinning hair. 

I’ve noticed in the last 2 months that my hair is thinning and my hairline is receding. 

Dry skin.

My skin is disgustingly dry. It’s like a desert, literally

Slow body movements.

It also doesn’t help that I’m fat

Feeling tired, sluggish, or weak.

I used to need 14-16 hours of sleep just to survive. But with my medication I now can sleep 8 hours and feel completely rested. 

Memory problems, depression, or problems concentrating.

I was an emo kid in middle school and concentrating was  and sometimes is still hard for me.

Heavy or irregular menstrual periods that may last longer than 5 to 7 days.

ALL THE FRICKEN TIME! When I was first put on medication, I had a period non stop for 6 months! No joke. But now my body is stabilizing a little bit more. Now I won’t have a period for 2 weeks, then I bleed for 3 weeks. Constant off and on. I can’t even use a period calendar because my body is so unpredictable. 

Modest weight gain, often 10 lb (4.5 kg) or less.

Except try 250lbs of weight gain

Swelling of the arms, hands, legs, and feet, and facial puffiness, particularly around the eyes.

Look at me. I’m a human balloon. 

Muscle aches and cramps.

These can be the worst. I literally went to the hospital one time because I thought I had appendicitis or I was dying. 

You might notice that the symptoms are slightly the same. Which is why it sucks to have both!

PCOS SYMPTOMS: 

Menstrual problems. These can include few or no menstrual periods or heavy, irregular bleeding.

Check, check, and check. 

Hair loss from the scalp and hairgrowth (hirsutism) on the face, chest, back, stomach, thumbs, or toes.

Yes I have a mustache. His name is Rodrigo, and unfortunately every two weeks or so I must shave him to look normal.

Depression or mood swings.

I was literally the walking dead for a long time. 

       It’s not easy dealing with some of these symptoms. Even though some of them have been fixed with my medication, some have not. 

I’m Tai

Starting Weight: 405lbs

Current Weight: 385lbs (yes i gained 3lbs, i went to a buffet...) 

And this is my on going story with hypothyroidism and PCOS    

[fatandfabulousme-blog]

The History of My Fatness