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I've fucked up and let someone get too close. They rely on me now. I should had ended it when I had the chance.

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Anyone else just constantly suicidal but you have to wait till you get to a certain point before you'll actually attempt?

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Do anyone else struggle to interact with mhs because you know there's nothing they can do other than teach you how to de-escalate your feelings or distract yourself and wait to not actively want to jump off a bridge? I know there's literally nothing they can do/ say that'll help me want to be alive or help me to stop self harming. They're just gonna give me the same shitty dbt skills that make me cringe even just thinking about using them so what's the point right?

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I stopped talking to my depressed, alcoholic father almost 4 years ago but now I'm starting to turn into him

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My mum knows I'm barely eating but she doesn't care as long as I'm losing weight.

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It's the ideal time to do it. I've pushed everyone away as well as I can so they're not too hurt. It's been long enough since my last attempt that my family have stopped locking up the pills and the knives and they think I'm okay. I'm not. So why haven't I just done it? I really don't know.

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Update: it's summer and I'm still fat. I still have to have a fan on 24/7 :/

Reason 1 for not eating:

Not overheating in the summer or having to have a fan on to be able to sleep

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Me convincing myself that wine doesn't have calories cause it numbs the pain and I can't drink spirits anymore but Im also not eating

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I want to die. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. It is what it is. The medication doesn't help. I don't have anything to talk to a therapist about. I just want to stop existing for no reason.

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Everything's getting hard again. It's one step forward and five steps back. I get out of bed but can't get dressed. I turn on the shower and watch it run instead of getting in. I make food because I'm starving and then when it's ready I feel nauseas. I've started drawing with blades again. I want to die all the time. I have no energy. I don't feel like trying anymore.

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How come people always say "take control of your own life" but when I try to do that by kms those same people tell me how I should be living my life?

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I want to disappear but I'm too tired and numb to do anything about it

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Okay so I need help finding movies/ tv shows to watch. I know it sounds weird but I'm super depressed atm and I need stuff to watch that's depressing or sad and dark or has that sort of stuff in it ya know? Any suggestions??

P.s I'm in NZ so if you know that they're available here that would be helpful

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I am just so fucking bored. Idk what's do with myself anymore.

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Reason not to eat #2

Being able to shop in normal stores instead of plus size ones/ having more options for clothes

Ps. These are just for me to stay motivated not to put pressure on anyone else. You do you but I need this to remind me why I can't go back to bingeing everyday xx

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manifestation circle:

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🕯 lose 40 pounds 🕯

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