fan-de-las-tetas

[fan-de-las-tetas]

my kid has started to write stories and like, no lies, they’re funny as fuck

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ohhh sacred potato of luck🛐🛐🛐 give me luck pls🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐

[fan-de-las-tetas]

imagining an alternate timeline where shakespeare wrote a play about king arthur. we would be so unwell

[fan-de-las-tetas]

Throckmorton

[fan-de-las-tetas]

Ok so, I want a warrior Penelope au, but Odysseus is still a warrior

Odysseus, student of Athena, warrior of the mind, foretold to changes the tides of mankind and the divine

Penelope, students of Ares, warrior of the heart, foretold to change the battles of men and gods alike

Together they will revolutionise war and fighting and ruling, they will change the world, warriors of the heart and mind

So I thought maybe Penelope would go with him to Troy, but then I realised that ruins everything, so instead she still stays behind with their newborn son and Odysseus promises to return before the boy even knows he’s gone

He doesn’t

So warrior Penelope had a choice to make, she can stay with her son, raise him and rule the kingdom (the people can complain all they want, who’s gonna stop her), and then when the suitors arrive instead of proposing the never ending weaving thing, she tells them whoever can best her in battle will win her hand (because she knows that only one man ever will) also, Telemachus becomes a warrior of both the heart and mind, taking the best strategic parts of Odysseus and the strongest parts of Penelope, becoming a warrior unrivalled by all but god kin, so when Odysseus does return home there are no suitors to kill, but she does make him best her in battle, they tie and she knows it’s really him and they live happily ever after (also Eurylochus doesn’t open the wind bag, they still get detoured either by someone else doing it or by some godly shenanigans, but those bitches do it together, Odysseus will return with most of his men in tow) (also also, he’s not a dumb fuck and doesn’t I cure the wrath of Poseidon, because he either kills Polyphemus or doesn’t tell him his name, they incur his wrath a different way that really just amounts to Poseidon being pissy and taking it out on the first human he finds)

Or, equally good, she sets out on her own venture to find her husband, her crew is fairly small in number, mostly warrior wives (because fuck you I do what I want there’s a coalition of warrior women in Ithaca now) including her right hand Ctimene, and her son Telemachus (she leaves the kingdom in the charge of someone she trusts I don’t care who right now), she starts searching for her husband, this leads to some absolute bullshit where through godly shenanigans and just generally shit terrible luck they keep missing each other just barely, but they’re too stubborn to go home so round and round they go, several years later they both manage themselves to the same island, so they’re together, but more shenanigans and it’s still several years more before they’re home to Ithaca, only to discover that in the mean time they’ve been declared dead and their kingdom’s been stolen, so the three of them literally fight their way to the throne and reclaim it

I like both models, I think both are nice

[fan-de-las-tetas]

It’s wild to me to see transvestigator conspiracy theories online that could be so easily explained by natural human variation. That woman has a deep voice? Yeah, sometimes they do. A woman has broad shoulders?? Maybe she plays rugby or hits the gym a fuckton. There’s a “bulge” in her tight pants?? Maybe her vulva is just fat. All the “markers” of trans woman that transvestigators use to harass any woman aren’t even things unique to trans women.

[fan-de-las-tetas]

Lembas Bread (Lord of the Rings “authentic” Elvish bread)

Ingredients: 

 2 ½ cups of flour 1 tablespoon of baking powder ¼ teaspoon of salt ½ cup of butter 1/3 cup of brown sugar 1 teaspoon of cinnamon ½ teaspoon honey 2/3 cup of heavy whipping cream ½ teaspoon of vanilla

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425F. Mix the flour, baking powder and salt into a large bowl. Add the butter and mix with a well till fine granules (easiest way is with an electric mixer). Then add the sugar and cinnamon, and mix them thoroughly.

Finally add the cream, honey, and vanilla and stir them in with a fork until a nice, thick dough forms.

Roll the dough out about ½ in thickness. Cut out 3-inch squares and transfer the dough to a cookie sheet.Criss-cross each square from corner-to-corner with a knife, lightly (not cutting through the dough).

Bake for about 12 minutes or more (depending on the thickness of the bread) until it is set and lightly golden.

***Let cool completely before eating, this bread tastes better room temperature and dry. Also for more flavor you can add more cinnamon or other spices***

[fan-de-las-tetas]

I bet you wish you were in a red barn being fed oats. Horse.

[fan-de-las-tetas]

You are beautiful in your own, warped little way!

[fan-de-las-tetas]

Everyone has goth sex hormones it came free with your fucking existence.

[fan-de-las-tetas]

really recommend getting a partner with a different religion than you and very little knowledge of your religion because the opportunities for explaining things to each other are just exquisite

[fan-de-las-tetas]

sorry i covered your neck in dark hickeys and clamped down hard on your throat like limp prey while i was giving you a handjob. you whimpered a little too soft and i blacked out and believed myself to be a feral dog in possession of an entire rotisserie chicken

[fan-de-las-tetas]

a comic about meeting your younger self :)

Thank you for reading :)

[fan-de-las-tetas]

I had an interesting night last night

[fan-de-las-tetas]

I had an interesting night last night

[fan-de-las-tetas]

sometimes I think

[fan-de-las-tetas]

i was supposed to go to bed an hour ago dont tell my mom