fan-de-las-tetas

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I beg my kidnappers for a phone, swearing not to make any calls or texts, and they stare over my shoulder, holding a gun to my head as I use my newly-freed hand to post, "So do like, dudes just buy ropes and baklavas from the same store or what lmfao like a specialty Crime Store"

One of the kidnappers says "balaclavas" but it's muffled under the fabric. I ask them to repeat and they do, their voice raspy from disuse. "You wrote baklava, that's a pastry." The other kidnapper goes "stfu" and then after a pause goes "Why would you buy from a crime store"

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some fucker: “If you arent paying for a product, you are the product!” 

me using tumblr costing yahoo a billion dollars: 

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they should invent a cigarette that gives you vitamins and hrt and shit

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language barrier au of sorts

inspired by the tweets below, although i forgot the prompt and i lost steam halfway but i blame it on it being 5am

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if you are the type of person to tell a girl to stop driving around with an adult sized plastic skeleton strapped into the backseat of her car do not imagine even for one second that you could ever score a girl who would drive around with an adult sized plastic skeleton in the backseat of her car

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Chewing and gnawing on the irony One Piece continually shows with the main characters where they're doing objectively kind and helpful things and that's what gets them in trouble with the law. It's the selective application of criminal justice. The bias and room for corruption built into the system itself. It's delicious. It's horribly relevant. I'm obsessed.

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nowhere else

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"people who stay up at night are either insomniac or In love" people who stay up at night read gay fanfiction on AO3 what are you on about?

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Bro why do you keep insisting we try to disarm this genderbending trap? We literally mapped out this whole dungeon floor we can just walk around it...

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[guy who doesnt do literally anything voice] there just aint enough hours in the day to get everything done that needs to be done am i right

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Guys, let's make a sandwich. I'll start:

Bread

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canon: they died

fanfic: fUCK YOU

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okay but i'm laughing about the idea of jaskier surviving an encounter with a sphynx PURELY by arguing that he is NOT wrong

putting that college degree to WORK arguing

it's not even about saving his life after a certain point

it's PURELY about winning for the principle of the thing

geralt shows up after SPRINTING there only to find the sphynx pounding her head against the ground BEGGING jaskier to stop. fine. FINE. it's a draw!! okay!! she can see your perspective!! fine!! she'll call it a truce!!

meanwhile jaskier gets hauled over geralt's shoulder and is shouting as he's carried away because anD ANOTHER THING-

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Okay so after the mountain breakup and makeup, jaskier has a new horse. He super excited to introduce Geralt “horse girl” Riviera to his sweetheart of a horse, Pegasus. He talk about how well mannered and precious his horse is; and how he just had to buy him off of his old owners who didn’t treat him right — “ I mean they didn’t even give him apples, Geralt, who does that?? —

Geralt is expecting a dainty normal horse, maybe with ribbons in his hair, like his owner. But they get to the stables and jaskier skips over to this behemoth of a war horse. (I’m thinking like a shire horse type breed).

Jaskier is just absolutely besotted with the “sweetheart” and Geralt is petrified. This horse is bigger than roach. It’s glaring at Geralt with the rage of hellfire. Geralt is like 57% sure it’s a hell horse.

It’s also super protective of jaskier and it hates Geralt. Pegasus is always moving in between the two and when Jaskier starts giving Geralt attention Pegasus whines and Jaskier will go back to him.

Geralt is not jealous no matter what anyone says. He tries to tell Jaskier about how his demon horse keeps glaring at him and bumping him off the road. But everytime he tries to point it out Pegasus has the most innocent look on his face.

It would be so funny to see a horse and a Witcher try and fight for Jaskier attention

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Jun-ho really is that bitch, huh?

Looking for his elusive big bro off the clock, happens to see a business card in his room of the same type some random drunk guy in the police station had.

Casually lies to get "drunk guy's" (Gi-hun's) address.

Follows said guy until he's picked up in some weird car, then follows the car to a ferry. Ferry is FULL of identical cars of unconscious people?? Well that's weird, better sneak on, play dead and MURDER SOMEONE HOLY DAMN OKAY JUN-HO (??)

Steals worker's clothes. Worker goes into the ocean. Bye now. You just got murked by a police officer, what else is new.

Staff uniform acquired. Time to be a full-time employee for however long it takes to locate his bro on this whole island. How hard can it be?

Everyone else is going to their rooms for the night? Hmm, better check his pockets. Oh, a number? Sure, this is his bedroom now.

Meanwhile he's just COMPLETELY deaf and blind to the RANCID vibes being radiated his way by the other organ pinks, it's so fuckin funny they're like BRO and he's just (mii theme)

Takes notes on his phone under the covers at night like a child staying up late to play the game boy.

Goes along with whatever the hell these other pink guys are doing. Oh, they're harvesting organs. Oh, they harvested his brother's organs. Maybe more murder? He considers more murder.

Kidneyless corpse was not bro.

He does some more murder anyway because these guys suck ass.

Continue search for bro.

Casually enter Front Man's personal office to snoop, play hide and seek with bro (but it's a secret and he won't know until later.)

What's this, a VIP area? "Your shift is over," he tells the first man of his approximate stature he finds.

Salad fork over face, phone in the sleeve, now he's a waiter.

Gross old rich guy wants to get lucky? Okay sure, let's just head on over to the porno room and POINT GUN AT VIP HEAD HAHA HOW THE TURNTABLES.

Hide and seek again.

Scuba dive escape. (Okay?? Have you done this before?? This is just routine to you?)

Run around the island with phone above head trying to send seven videos at once (bro trusted that SK internet speeds a lil too much).

Uh-oh, pink guys found you.

Front Man is bro!

Reject bro.

Fall off cliff.

Best character tbh. He's the most competent AND the most chaotic one and that's my favorite combo.

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had a fascinating english class that resulted in the notes header “the forcefeminization of victor frankenstein”