falling-emerald-feathers

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Hey, Tumblr...!

Things have been... Uh... Strange.

Although I've got to admit that Emma's system has helped me stay clean and keep our apartment tidy as she intended, it's also been keeping me kind of... On edge. More on edge than usual, I mean.

I'm starting to feel sort of... Scared, when I'm around her? And I know that I shouldn't. She's... She's my friend and she cares about me. And yet, I can't help feeling... Scared.

I find my heart pounding faster than it should whenever we're having snacks together. And— I can't open a bag of candy without thinking that I'll mess up. That... That, this time, I won't remember to tidy it up. That my streak will go to hell, all because of one piece of plastic.

It's, uh— it's not very nice, honestly. She also spotted me writing in cursive the other day and said that it looked... That it was, um... Kind of embarrassing. And that it would be hard to read for other people, so... My posts will stop being written in cursive from now on. I'm sorry if I have come across as embarrassing or... Anything related.

I low-key want to talk to her about her system— about dropping it— but I... I feel like she just won't listen. I don't know why. I know she should. She's my friend. But it doesn't feel like she'll agree to drop it. She'll argue that it's been working so far... And it has— so I'll keep it to myself... to Tumblr... for a while.

Dinner time's approaching and she wants to cook together tonight. Good-bye, Tumblr. I'll see you later again.

[falling-emerald-feathers]

I think I'm gonna stop using pink in my posts from now on, sorry— my best friend saw me do it and said that she thought it looked weird— which is, um, understandable, I suppose. It, uh, it is weird. Though, I do like how it looks, especially under the Vampire dashboard theme... But if she doesn't like it, then, there's a chance that many other people won't like it either. I'll continue using cursive, though. :)

And, um, now that I've brought up my best friend, there's another thing that I wanted to mention— it has to do with her.

So we recently moved out together, her and I, to an apartment that's close to our colleges, and we were discussing apartment rules this morning —things like who cleans what and what belongs to whom— when I brought up my worries about making a mess out of the apartment.

I... Uh, as much as I hate to admit this, I'm not... Exactly... The best at cleaning up after myself. Sometimes, I just forget to or don't have enough energy to tidy up whatever mess I have made and... Yeah, that... Doesn't really create nice living spaces, precisely.

I told her that I was scared of treating our apartment like I used to clean my room and she came up with a kind of... “System”... if we can call it that way.

The way it works is that one of us will draw blood from the other one each time she forgets to clean up after herself. Sort of like an act and consequence thing... In her eyes.

And, um... As someone who's struggled with self-harm in the past, I... I'm not sure how to feel about this. It should help me stay organized, but I just know that I will mess up sooner or later and I... Really don't want to.

I appreciate her trying to help, I really do. Her ways are just... Kind of scary.

[falling-emerald-feathers]

I kind of want to die.

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Hey...!

I'm sorry for not posting any updates, I was... Sort of busy...

But, um, guess what? I moved. I finally moved. My best friend, Emma, and I got to our new apartment yesterday. It took us a five-hour drive to arrive, hahaha... Which, um... I'm kind of nervous about, honestly. I've... I've never been this far from my uncle.

But it's okay— I've got my best friend and my cockatiel here to keep me company. It feels so weird to have my own home now, haha...

I've gotten a job at a nearby café for the summer. That should keep a roof over our heads, heh... Well, um, I haven't gotten it now— the, um, the owner of the café, Sadie, is friends with one of my uncle's roommates, and he got her to hire me beforehand. I really... Really appreciate that.

As for Emma, she's going to be baby-sitting and pet-sitting until she gets a “better” job.

We'll be fine. It's going to be fine. :)

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Today was... Nicer than I thought it would be, actually!

Um, so, I wasn't really able to sleep yesterday because of... Well, because of my father- I've got a post that explains what happened but, basically, I was packing up my stuff so that I had everything ready for when it was time to move out and he, uh, entered my room and tried to talk me into staying...? Which would have been sort of nice if my parents weren't so... Let's say... Indecisive? They're, um, they're not very good.

My morning was, uh, pretty shitty, not gonna lie. I had breakfast in my room at around 7:00am and I wasn't able to shower because my parents were home and I wanted to stay out of their way- which, uh, should be fine, because I'd showered the afternoon prior? But my brain likes to make me think that, the longer I spend awake, the dirtier my skin gets...? It's pretty weird, haha... And I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's... a feeling. It's gonna stay, even if it makes very little to no sense, I suppose... That's the thing with feelings.

So I tend to shower at six or seven in the morning whenever I stay awake through a night. It's... I don't do it to wake myself up, it more-so just feels like... A necessity, you know?

Going back into my morning, not too long after finishing my breakfast (three "emergency" cookies that I had laying around in a drawer), I got a call from my uncle. He invited me to come over to his house in case I wanted to pay his roommates and him a last visit before I moved, and of course, I accepted!

I managed to sneak out of the house without getting in the way of my parents and drove myself to his place. He lives with three other men, and they're all really nice. They greeted me with snacks when I arrived- which was around... 11:20am if I'm not wrong? One of them, Henry, had spent the night baking cookies and offered me some. They were really good- white chocolate and raspberry flavored. Even their cat came to say hello to me, hahaha! But, um, I'm allergic to cats, so Ethan -the cat's owner, I believe?- had to keep him away from me. I really wish I wasn't allergic to cats, hah...

I had breakfast again with them not very long after arriving. And I mean actual breakfast. My uncle made me a mug of chocolate milk and prepared some coffee for himself. Henry and Daniel, the third roommate, also had coffee. And Ethan had hot chocolate. We all shared Henry's cookies. And it was... Nice. It was really, really nice.

At home, I'm usually conditioned to have breakfast by myself, so I don't really get to talk to anybody... Or, uh, not to anybody human, at least- but my cockatiel, Emerald, tends to accompany me. She, uh, she's got a cage, but I don't like to keep her inside of it for too long, so the door is usually open so that she can fly around my room if she wants to. Don't worry, I keep everything closed. She likes to sleep in my hair and makes me company whenever I'm doing my homework or, like I mentioned earlier, having breakfast... Which, sometimes, I don't think can even be counted as "breakfast"...? If I'm lucky, I might be able to make myself some toasts without my mother reminding me how much she's paid for the bread. I usually just have Lotus cookies - I can buy them at school and take them home with me without getting crumbs all over my backpack because they come in small bags... Which may not be very ecological, but it's perfect for me, haha--

What I'm trying to say is that having breakfast with them was... Pretty special. Just spending time with them feels really special to me. I really appreciate them.

They asked me about my plans to move out and about what I wanted to do for college- and they were supportive about my answers. Heck, they even encouraged me to follow what I had planned! Can I still ask to get adopted as an adult?/j

My uncle allowed me to bathe in the upstairs bathroom and then allowed me to take a nap on his bed when I told him that I hadn't slept.

I'm not usually quick to fall asleep. Most of the time, I tend to cry myself to sleep or listen to music for hours until I'm able to relax enough to fall asleep. But, today, I didn't have any trouble in doing so. I didn't even have to put music on, I just felt... Calm. Really, really calm. My uncle's house and everybody inside just brings me so much comfort... I wish I could forget about college and move in with them, haha. But, um, I can't, unfortunately...

I think it was somewhere around 4:00pm when I woke up. Ethan and Daniel greeted me again when I walked back downstairs and Henry made lunch for me. Spaghetti. I like spaghetti.

I would have eaten it by myself, but they accompanied me through my meal. My uncle made himself a cup of chocolate milk and they just... Sat with me until I was done eating. And we talked. They made sure that I felt comfortable and kept me company even though they had no reason to. Even though they had already had lunch at least an hour prior. I... Gosh, I'm tearing up just typing this- xD

I helped Daniel wash the dishes my uncle and I used after I finished, and then we just... Sat and hung out. Ethan brought some snacks -cookies from earlier, potato chips, lotus cookies, candy and tiny brownies-, and we just talked. My uncle, Daniel and I sat on the sofa, and Ethan and Henry, on the floor, and we just... Talked. I didn't even stop to check the time because I didn't care about going home. I was having a nice time. They... They were being nice to me.

We then played some tabletop games (I lost all of them! xD) and a Karaoke game called Sing Star for which we made little groups- My uncle, Henry and I had to "fight" against Ethan and Daniel, and we won most of the battles! :)

Then, I had dinner with them. Soup. Uh, chicken soup, with little pasta dots instead of noodles. It was really good, though I had to leave soon after finishing my plate because it was getting late. We bid goodbye to each other and my uncle gave me a little bracelet to bring with me in case I ever felt lonely. It's... it's really pretty, I've got it on right now.

I hugged everybody and my uncle swears that I would've had to drive him to the hospital if I'd applied a little more strength to my embrace for a broken rib, haha! xD

I even got to pet the cat. He's a fluffy, little fella. :)

I, um... I sort of... Broke down when I got into my car? I knew that I wasn't going to visit my uncle or his roommates again in a really long time and... And I hated that- and I still do. But I know that I can call them whenever- and... And they can call me, so we won't be out of contact. We'll just be... Very, very far away...

I don't like that. I really, really don't. But it's for the greater good- I'm doing this for my future. And... And I won't be alone when I move, either. My best friend will be with me- and so will my cockatiel. And we're gonna keep each other company. So why do I feel so... Scared? So homesick, even though I haven't left home yet?

...

It's probably just me. I'm kind of, uh, what many people call a scaredy cat, haha... But... It's going to be fine. I... Sure, I'll get stressed often- very, very often, but I'll have people to rely on. I'll have my best friend with me... And, if I'm lucky, I might be able to make more friends outside of her, too.

It's going to be a long and scary journey, but I'll be fine. I... I know that I'll be fine. At least, I hope to be fine...

I'm moving out tomorrow. Today's been nice, and tomorrow's gonna be heavy, but... There must be a way to make it nice, too, surely? Haha...

Wish me luck! ^^

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Where have all these people come from? Hahaha! Hiiii!! xD

Um, I've gotten an unexpectedly big amount of art requests and this isn't supposed to be an art blog, so I'm going to be closing requests until I finish the ones I've gotten, alright?

Thank you so much for interacting with my blog! ^^

[falling-emerald-feathers]

I saw your art requests are open and was wondering if you could draw my character August with basil of baker street maybe them dancing?

They're a were-mouse aka a werewolf in the universe of the great mouse detective

They're half grasshopper mouse { aka were-mouse } and half long earred jerboa

Their hair reaches their thighs in length and they're androgynous.

I ended up drawing them dancing with maracas, hahaha. I hope you like it!

(OOC note here: This drawing was made by @rustycottoncandy ! That's the blog behind this blog ^^)

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Could you try this?

Sure, here you go! ^^

I hope you like it! Thank you so much for interacting with my blog. :)

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Well... I don't really feel like sleeping tonight (thank you, dad /sarc), so I'm going to draw the requests I got last night and leave my inbox open in case anybody else would like to request more doodles. :)

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Well... Today kind of sucked.

I managed to fall asleep by four, something in the morning and then my alarm woke me up at 6:00am.

I spent the entire day packing my stuff up. I'm moving soon— my best friend and I are. It's, uh, for college. It... Doesn't start yet, of course, but High School will be over soon and neither of us want to spend any more time with our parents... Hahaha.

We also want to get used to living together as fast as possible. Just to ensure that we'll get along well... Which we should. There's... No real reason why we shouldn't, right? But, um, I've heard stories of friends who end up nearly hating each other after becoming roommates and we want to work together to avoid that. She's a really great friend... And I try my best to be a good friend, too.

As I mentioned earlier, I spent the entire day packing my things up. It... wasn't easy, to say the least.

I hate living with my parents, but my room's brought me comfort for so long... So it wasn't very easy to take my posters down. Removing my bedsheets and emptying my closet was so hard, too. I, um... I got a bit too emotional at one point and left some tears on my pillow, which sounds... A little silly right now, honestly, but it wasn't. My cockatiel helped me calm down.

I had to leave some things behind, too. I'm, uh, a bit of a hoarder, unfortunately. It's nothing bad... Other people have it way worse— but I do save objects that I “don't need” very often and end up getting attached to them. They were... Very hard to let go of, too.

My parents also kind of bothered me a few times, which was... Sort of normal, I suppose? But, uh, I would have appreciated it if they hadn't. They have been pretty confusing to deal with lately, if I'm being honest. But, um, to be fair, they're kind of always been pretty confusing to deal with, so it's nothing new.

They're... Very quick to change their minds about anything— and I mean anything. Like, um, as a recent example, they've been asking me to leave the nest since my eighteenth birthday. But, now that I am following a plan to do so, they... Don't want me to leave? It's... Confusing. They're confusing.

I was packing my books up earlier when my father entered my room. He tried to make me change my mind about moving out. He, um... He unpacked them and put them back on their old shelves while he talked about how much they were going to miss me if I left and how much my parents needed me in their lives. About how wanted I was at home.

He... Lied. Everything he said— every sentence... Every word was a lie. And, if it wasn't, then, he must have an awful way of expressing his feelings.

I tried to talk back to him and explain that I had already made up my mind, and that my friend and I had already planned everything out, but, um... It... Didn't really go as I would have liked for it to go.

I was like two words in when my voice cracked. And, then, I started crying. And he used that... He used the fact that I was crying as an argument in his favor. He, um... Talked about how I was going to be hopeless without my parents. About how much stress would come with having an apartment of my own, and about how easily I would break under said stress... And how annoying it would be for my friend to deal with me.

And that just... Made me cry more. He kept unpacking my things while he spoke, and... I couldn't find a way to stop him from doing so, because... Well, because I was crying, heh.

I think that he got tired. Or... Or maybe I fell asleep? I don't know, I'm not, um, very sure. But I had barely slept and I, uh... Cry myself to sleep more often than it's healthy for somebody to, so that's probably what happened.

But I know that he left my room, eventually. He'd unpacked three whole boxes when I woke up, so I had to re-pack them... Which wasn't fun. I cried a couple of times— and locked the door, by petition of my own brain, to ensure that my father wouldn't come inside again.

I've been crying for like ten minutes. Well... I've stopped now— but I was crying when I started writing this. Whatever is wrong with me really sucks. I've, uh... I've got meds that are supposed to help? But even with them, reality is kind of... Shitty. Hopefully, it'll be less shitty when I move out.

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Some doodles of my cockatiel, Emerald (I stole her name for my url, hahaha)

[falling-emerald-feathers]

My uncle asked me to draw his cat... ^^! Why would he be awake at 2AM?

Although it's not really "his" but his roommates', haha, but he still calls it his own, funny enough :)

His name is Cocoa. I've met him and he's very nice ^^! He kinda makes me wish I wasn't allergic to cats, hahaha...

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Hey, um... Good morning?

I, uh... It's 2:36 and I've been trying to go back to sleep since 1:14-ish. Since it seems like my attempts aren't going to get me anywhere... I will be accepting art requests for a while! Just... Uh, just until my alarm goes off or I fall asleep on my tablet, haha...!

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Thoughts on Fall Out Boy?

Huh, that was fast!

Um, I think I've listened to some of their songs... Though, I don't listen to them often. But they're... Nice, just not the kind of artists I tend to vibe to. I like the 'Phoenix' theme!

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Alright, that may have been a lie... Well, only a partial lie.

There are people in my life who care about me— I know they do. My uncle and my best friend, for example, have protected me from myself more times than I'd be able to count, haha...

But, um, they're kind of... Busy lately. That's fine, I guess we all are. But I just

Hey, Tumblr...! It's... been a while, hasn't it?

To be honest, I never thought I'd touch this platform again, but things have been happening and I know that the path I must walk is not gonna be pretty, so I thought (gah, I used that verb twice!) it might be nice to have a place in which to vent and just... Generally share my thoughts. I don't usually... uh... well, write things down, but my therapist said that I shouldn't bottle my thoughts up too often and I can't really share them with anyone at all lately, so throwing them into the void of my own blog seemed like the easiest route for me to take.

My inbox will be open in case anybody with a decent social energy level finds this blog and wants to interact with me. Though, that would be pretty rare, haha...

[falling-emerald-feathers]

Hey, Tumblr...! It's... been a while, hasn't it?

To be honest, I never thought I'd touch this platform again, but things have been happening and I know that the path I must walk is not gonna be pretty, so I thought (gah, I used that verb twice!) it might be nice to have a place in which to vent and just... Generally share my thoughts. I don't usually... uh... well, write things down, but my therapist said that I shouldn't bottle my thoughts up too often and I can't really share them with anyone at all lately, so throwing them into the void of my own blog seemed like the easiest route for me to take.

My inbox will be open in case anybody with a decent social energy level finds this blog and wants to interact with me. Though, that would be pretty rare, haha...

[DISCLAIMER: This is an OC ROLEPLAY BLOG run by a 16-year-old. My character is an adult. I am not. So, for the love of God, be decent.

Also, this isn't an art blog! I may open requests every now and then but what's important about Amy are her text posts. They're kinda like a way to force myself to write. That said, have fun browsing, and maybe interacting with this blog! The ladder would make me really happy :3

— R.]