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[faithful-ones]

A personal journey. Tuesday, September 12, 2017 *.✫*¨*.¸¸.✶*¨`*LUMPECTOMY*.✫*¨*.¸¸.✶*¨`* lump·ec·to·my ˌləmˈpektəmē/Submit noun a surgical operation in which a lump is removed from the breast, typically when cancer is present but has not spread. Funny how we don't hear about words and relate them to us personally. We hear diagnosis and stories and feel compassion for those on the receiving end. Never do we put ourselves in that "receiving" end. Those things don't happen to us. Right? Well, all year, I have been on the receiving end. All year I have struggled and all year I have been the patient. The first time I noticed an issue, like everything we don't want to deal with or accept, I swept it under the rug. Damn, that rug is pretty freaking lumpy, but then the issue kept presenting itself. It just wasn't going away, it was hanging on. So, I shared my story with my friends and made an appointment. My primary doctor immediately sent me to my gyno, she said you need a surgeon ASAP. In the midst of this I had a mammogram with a physician present (requested by my primary) it wasn't a pretty appointment my issue was present and prominent. After my mammogram I was directed to wait and then sent in for an ultrasound. There I was in a room with women awaiting to hear their next step. I was sent home and soon after I saw a surgeon. I had a skin issue (a lesion) that he wanted to treat that just didn't work out how he had hoped. A month after my first appointment with the surgeon my case was worse. He immediately cut a piece of my nipple off and I was sent home bandaged up and in pain, that was a Friday. On Tuesday morning, I got a call from my doctor saying that the biopsy was benign. So we discussed my next step, which was surgery. I also had a tumor in my breast that needed to come out. Well, the surgery to remove the tumor in my breast and the lesion that never ever healed was last week. I was nervous, I'm a mom of a special needs child and I know how important I am to him. I'm a wife, a daughter, a full-time employee,a friend, my roles are endless; like yours. I had no time to get sick, I had no time to heal, to recover. I now see how stupid that is. So, I go in, my hubby of almost 18 years drives me and is by my side every step of the way. He got to talk to the team taking me in and the surgeon spoke to him after. I'm home in pain and recovering. Everyone talks about how important their spouse is and mentions the vows we take; through sickness and in health. Let me share this with all of you. My breast was cut open, a tumor removed, my nipple butchered. I'm feeling pretty low about it, I'm feeling worried about his reaction, how he will see me now. I'm not that 19 year-old he fell for, or the 25 year-old he married, or the 29 year-old that gave him his only child. No, now I'm a 43 year-old woman who now has an incomplete breast which I loved and was so proud of. They are dubbed my girls, I dress them up dammit my 42 DD's look good in only the best bras. It's now two days after my surgery and its time for the bandages to come off. Its late at night and I need him to help. Well, what does he do. He builds me up. He kisses me and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. That he is proud of me. That he's happy I'm here with him. That was him taking of my bandages and not once making me feel ugly, unwanted or broken. That was two days ago. I'm still in awe of him and how he went about the process of my reveal to him. I needed to share this with you all. I'm not sure if anyone will read it or care. But, this is part of my healing my acceptance and my journey. May you all find someone like this, may you all know how beautiful and loved you are. May you always find a way to take care of yourself and be the warriors we women were meant to be. #mammogram #lumpectomy #breastsurgery #cancerprevention #marriage #love #romance #tatas

[faithful-ones]

Why must the negative always come to the forefront first? Are we, as humans programmed that way? Is it a learned behavior?

It’s like any time something happens that we are not involved in, are clueless about, or simply omitted from, discarded because, well who knows why. Our minds seem to grasp on to a bad thought. The over thinking begins. The what’s happening and why, then you ask attempting some sort of clarification and you get a vague answer or get shut down.

This has pretty much been me for about a year. Try as I may to not think negatively or take the actions or others personal, it’s difficult not to. It’s difficult to not walk in and not feel unwanted. The sense that I’m here taking up someone else’s place is not lost on me.

I realize that I am partly to blame. I’m not saying I am not at fault. But, I have tried apologizing like a good Christian and got nothing but silence. I guess forgiveness isn’t a part of their lives. I am struggling with moving forward. I’m struggling with my place in this world.

On a personal level I feel as though I have that under some sort of control. I am a wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. I love those roles and feel that God has blessed me abundantly in those vocations.

My struggle is in my professional life. There, the light no longer shines. It’s as if the bulb is flickering wanting to die, but somehow when swung in the right direction, the light shines a bit longer.

I’m attempting to finish a degree that seems so out of my reach. Yet, without it my professional career, AS I know it will continue to keep me anchored in this place. A place I loved, a place I was once so proud of, that brought so much joy and light into my lil world. It gave me purpose to walk in and give 110% and get paid at the end of the week. Now, I don’t feel any of those things. Is this how one feels when the passion is lost? Is this how one feels when joy is taken? Anxious. Scared. Worried.

I have sought that pride, joy, light, and purpose elsewhere. Nothing, nothing has come my way to fulfill the void I need filled. To make me feel useful once again.

I have prayed about it, that is what we are taught to do. I need more patience. God’s plan for me has not yet found me. In time I hope it does. I see I’m being tested. My health, my sanity, my faith. I see the signs am I strong enough to go on or will the darkness once again take me to a place where I don’t even like myself?

[faithful-ones]

Proud Parent Moment!!!! When I was preggo I had plans for my baby. He was to get a Catholic Education and nope, no public school. Hahaha. Hilarious I know. God, however had His plans. Something I never considered. Yup, I'm an idiot like that. Well, God said...you will be gifted a child with autism. Enjoy and remember to pray. Yeah, it wasn't fun and yeah, I forgot to pray. Our journey wasn't easy. Sleep was a luxury. Doctors office were a common thing for us. Then when the diagnosis was given we, the hubby and I, jumped in and tried to find ways of helping M. Walking, talking, were our first things to tackle. The rocking, crying and other common signs were there. But we took it one thing at a time. It takes a village. Speech therapy, occupational therapy became things we left work for. M had appointments and we had to get him there, (he was 3 and not in a public school). All the things he needed a private school couldn't give him on site. So when it was time for kinder we had one option that would work for US. Public school, learning the lingo and how to ask for what he needed soon became a second language. Educating ourselves and sharing and learning with others helped. Yesterday, January 17, 2017, this happened. This is what a PUBLIC SCHOOL education has done for my kid. He has come so far in the soon to be 10 years of his diagnosis. If it wasn't for the team of people who care, who invest their time to help our kids where would they be? Where would we, the parent be? What future would our kids with a "disability" be? I'm proud of my baby. His journey hasn't been easy. But you know what? His issues help keep him focused and motivated. He's proof that there are no excuses and no stopping you when you are driven. Had you approached me 10 years ago, and told me this was going to happen to M when he was in 7th grade, I'd have told you off and told you not to make fun of him. He wasn't talking. He wasn't making eye contact and rocking "stimming" and humming were his way of soothing. Oh and I am now enjoying the journey and praying. If it wasn't for our faith who knows where we would be. #autismfamily #typeonefamily #publicschool #thriving #Catholic

[faithful-ones]

TEucharistic Adoration

The year is only a few days in, yet I feel abundantly blessed.

In our lives so much happens, we are always in a hurry to get from point a to point b. The kids are on winter break, we look for ways to keep them busy and ourselves sane. We are getting back to the swing of things after a beautiful and blessed Holiday Season. 

Some of us are back to work, while others are dragging their feet and praying that the last few days drag. But, Monday is quickly approaching and reality and normality return.

Today, was one of those days. I dragged getting out of bed and heading into work. Why? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I left home at the time I usually am getting there, yeah, I was a bit late; thank heavens there was no traffic in my 15 minute commute. The one thing that I woke up saying (or singing) this morning was “there is power in the name of Jesus! There is POWER, POWER in HIS name!” the song is There is Power by Lincoln Brewster

Anyway, this is the only thing that was happening in my head this morning, (I should say that I think my head can be a scary place to be). After repeating the lyrics to the song I went to my Spotify app and decided to listen to the Rosary and pray along. After that I was ready to FINALLY start my day.

Well, I wasn’t at work long before I got a text and one that I had honestly forgotten about. Blessed to say that this text and the message it contained was something beautiful.  Later in the day another wonderful message, this one in the form of a phone call, news that my family was waiting on finally came and we are just so thankful. Blessings came today, the power of the Holy Name of Jesus is truly wonderful.

We have been praying for one of the news we got today. Our prayers were answered and what did the husband and I do? We made a stop to give thanks and praise. We spent time before the Blessed Sacrament. God, only knows how much I prayed, I literally broke down before the Monstrance. It was an emotional moment and let me say that when things get a bit difficult, I drop to my knees in prayer and clutch my rosary beads. They are my weapon, my lifeline. Being in the adoration chapel and praying with the husband is pretty emotional, special, and intimate. Proof that Jesus is present in us and that He is at the center of our world. 

The power of prayer is a reality, praying devoutly and faithfully can change you. I will be the first one to tell you, I was not this person before. I was lead here and let me tell you this journey has been humbling. Proof of His love is all around us and to see and feel His blessing is beautiful.

Thankful to have been blessed with so much.

[faithful-ones]

It's Christmas Eve!!! Two weeks ago after Mass, Matthew came running out of the sacristy. "Mom, on Christmas Eve are we coming to Mass at 4? I want to sign up to serve that Mass!" We've attended 4 p.m. Mass a few years now. I said yes, he runs back and finally comes out and says ... "o.k. I signed up to serve." He's been altar serving since May 1st. His idea, not ours. The pride that boy has after serving is shown on his face. A few times he's been the only one that has served. He has the Mass down and loves doing this every Sunday. The boy loves his church and has a faith so strong, I'm a bit jealous I wasn't that faithful at his age. It's been a year of blessings. #merrychristmas

[faithful-ones]

I was reading and this scripture, was one that caught my attention. I'm a control freak. Letting go is so hard, but passages like these in my books make me think, reflect. I can't worry about what tomorrow brings. I can only focus on my today. #gospelofmatthew #romancebookpassages #christianromance #cleanromance #myfavorite

[faithful-ones]

#diabetesawarenessmonth #worlddiabetesday2016 #diamundialdediabetes #insulindependent #livingthegoodlife #blessed🙏 It's time to celebrate, count our blessings and bring awareness to this life altering "friend" who is with us for life. Six years strong! Our Matthew is our superhero!!!

[faithful-ones]

A bit much?

[faithful-ones]

Matthew after serving mass with Archbishop Gomez. Totally, got a blessing from him. Prayers for health, love, family and friends. M said it was an awesome experience. #fridayswitharchie #archbishop #blessings #altarserver #happycatholic

[faithful-ones]

Tonight was Father Cassidy's memorial mass. Matthew never got to serve mass with Father Cassidy. But, tonight he serve at his memorial mass. It was a blessing to watch Matthew. He was so excited, we had a special presider. It's overwhelming to see how far he has come. Excuse the shaky video, proud emotional parent moment. #altarserver #archbishop #memorialmass #standingroomonly #somanypriests #somanydeacons #blessed #inspirational #catholicchurch

[faithful-ones]

What a blessing. Tonight Immaculate Conception celebrated our late Father Cassidy. Matthew never had the honor of serving mass with Father Cassidy. However, today he got to serve at his memorial. Tonight, we had a special presider. It was emotional seeing our baby serve mass tonight. What a blessing! He was one very excited boy. Man, how far he's come. Sorry for the shaky video, but #proudparent moment and all. #altarserver #memorialmass #archbishop #proudcatholic

[faithful-ones]

The blood test that got me to retake Monday's were suppose to be a fluke. Guess they weren't. In the last month my #whitebloodcells have decided to increase. I know one would think hey, the more the merrier. Not in this case. Well, my inflammation levels have increased too. Yup, not good either. My body is attacking itself. Now to find out why. The waiting is going to be interesting. Challenge that I have accepted... DO NOT GOOGLE. You know, we all have a journey in life. Mine hasn't been bad. I've enjoyed every experience, the bad ones made me stronger. This is no different, I just pray I get answers so I know what to do so I can live pain free. #waiting #chronicpain #iwantrelief

[faithful-ones]

When you get word your baby child is on the front page of a local paper, you run out and buy it.

[faithful-ones]

Nice day for a stroll. #longbeach #queenmary

[faithful-ones]

Tonight was back to school night at Ms school. Before the meeting started a very excited former Principal approached me. He said I have something for you. He proceeded to tell me that he couldn't believe what he was seeing at the assembly the first week of school. He said I just had to take a picture. This man met M when we first came to Duarte, in third grade, autism was kicking our behinds. So, for him to see M now, (and may I add he went over and beyond to make the transition to middle school smooth) is incredible. I wanted to cry when he showed me the pictures. He said M was phenomenal on that stage in front of 480 kids. Shock covers how I felt at his description of my kid, oh and pride of course. This boy doesn't seize to amaze me. Today, a teacher told me its amazing to see how well he does. He doesn't use his diabetes as an excuse to not complete his work, even though he leaves class early to check his bg for lunch. She commended us on our advocacy of M. I just pray he stays on the right path and that he continues to excel. Oh and not sure where my shy boy went. He's running for office. #proudparents #autismfamily #typeonediabetic #theskyisthelimit #lookatmybaby #hardwork #prayingfamily #godfirst #godisgood

[faithful-ones]

Wela would of been 95 today. I can't break tradition so every year she gets flowers. Happy Birthday Wela. Te extraño Cata. #missingmygrandma

[faithful-ones]

Living through loss is tough, something you don't ever want anyone to go through. Sadly, it's part of this journey we call life. Only God knows when He will need us. Do we have to understand and accept? No. That's where healing comes in and that is a journey we travel when we are ready. My heart hurts for my cousins and my tia. Yesterday, was tough and proof that life is short. I'm proud to have called Nick my cousin. Regardless of where in Duarte or Monrovia we bumped into each other he always had a hug and a smile for me followed by a ...where is your man? Always full of positive and beautiful words. I will never forget him asking if he could share a few of his poems with me. All we have are the memories we had with him. Life is short enjoy it and make sure to give as much as you receive.