fairyjaem

[fairyjaem]

steve is literally the love child of both arthur and merlin's humours

Babygirl™️ Bracket Round 2: Side A

note: propaganda is encouraged but please be nice

[fairyjaem]

the pony-tail girl

(I)

the man cradles me in a war-waging world

that strung the sound produced

by his veins pulled taut

which he knows the count of, and when i play something

i like, he speaks of the pony-tail girls

my mother never conceived, or never was

--for daddy

(II)

the man dreams of the pony-tail girls

like white mares, brazenly galloping

pearly bodies stained, neighing with glee

and i am able to understand their beauty, for after all, i am a girl

who adores women

who adores the woman

who wouldn't trade her for the man and his bulging eyes.

--for the man and his ideals

(III)

but i believe in the love my father has

in those bulging eyes

for the woman

i resemble at times

an envy, to me

and the millennial girls

she lacks what i lack

but is what, in me

those bulging eyes yearn to find

--for the man that dreams to change me for God

(IV)

he who used to cradle me

one day, dropped me to the floor

the imprint of a whip to dress me in blows of change furthermore

once upon a time, i dreamt

that i was a pearly body

but i woke up, rose colored

of erasures that confused me

--for the man that whisked me from my storybooks

(V)

my head flows river brown,

fervent in my frills and white laces

was i a freer fellow of nature? or a parasitic rose

dependent on such to conjure stillness

as he witnessed this, my father

called for the pony-tail girl

while i dreamt i was an ornament

with my joys, i hang lifelessly

as for my father, that i was

figuratively

--i, as the irk of said man

(VI)

i long believed all princes dreamt of

pony-tail girls,

but i presented hair river brown

and the belief was a broken curse

once, i was a butterfly

my father taught me to roar

but when i did, he feared for the princes

who would run from me as i soared

--for romeo

(VII)

happiness came with a price

and so i understood

why i fail to neigh with glee

like the pony-tail girls could.

--for the girl dreaming on a stream behind her old house, maroon staining her dress

End

[fairyjaem]

He wanted to tell him how much he loved him but

every corner of Wanju County was an eye. Watching them, if not absorbing every mutual glance, every brush of their fingertips. Whispering, passing messages of an immoral romantic collision from one head to another. Jeno's summer nights have never been so... discomforting. Agitating, but at the same time hypnotizing. His chest was all mushed up inside. He's never wanted so much to be out of this town. This town which he had longed to be a part of growing up because summers were easily his most favorite holiday. But the blue-haired boy had changed the whole trajectory of his life in a single moment, and many moments after that. Anything blue was Na Jaemin. He was in the sky, in the ocean, in peaches and dilapidated houses. Jeno was falling apart into all their obscure little corners, and it was so simple for Jaemin to split him in pieces that all pathetically begged for him. That coveted him.

Jaemin was wicked. If he wasn't the witch, he was the spell. And yet, Jeno would rather he himself take every bullet Wanju aimed at the blue-haired boy.

[fairyjaem]

Bacon sandwiches always reminded her

of 4th grade. The famous bacon sandwich drizzling with cheese, crispy and juicy with every scrumptious bite. Grace shudders at the memories of her 4th grade after school snack. The fats, the oils, the goddamn sickening calories. All which made her childhood pictures agonizing to see. It's been six years, but she still feels the bacon sandwiches in her stomach, which was flumping out of her midrise jeans. She hates the almost ritualistic practice of checking the mirror every twenty minutes. She hates the shame on herself, but she can't help it. She just has to keep reminding herself that she is not starving. She does not crave. She is full.

[fairyjaem]

As he opened the car door, there was a loud

siren, wailing in the quiet of an open road. Was it a siren? No, they were horns. They rung in his eardrums, sound intensifying as it came closer. It was excruciating. There were head lights ever so blinding. Why would they turn it up this high?

He knew for a fact that he didn't want to be with Renjun in that car. He was bitter about him, alright. He was sick of him to some degree that got him off the driver's seat, swinging the door open. They pulled over in a place he doesn't remember. Stars out, a field in the small town. A typical place where they would talk and make love. The sirens have mellowed down to... beeping. A monitor beeping. Pain piercing right through his skull, targeting its core. Whatever creature that was causing him this stupid migraine must be so pleased it found the said core.

The air smelled too clean. What happened to the cows? Did they figure out their ability to excrete extremely malodorous fecal matter and became insecure of the smell? But there weren't any cows, and there weren't any fields or stars either.

All Jaemin saw were bright, white lights. Then he noticed white linen curtains swaying gently. He must be in heaven. Heaven was freezing, that's for sure. Laying on his back, he registered that he could be on either one of two things: his coffin, or his bed. He reached for the blanket that lay over him, and realized that indeed, he was on a bed, not a coffin.

A small bodily movement had awoken pain all over his body again. His head was throbbing, his skin stung with cuts and his bones did not feel quite right.

"Open your eyes, Jaemin. Please?"

Whose honeyed voice was that? It was almost as if he could taste it, except it sung out to him. Blonde locks glowing and small lips, soft and crimson. Was this an angel of the pilgrims? A Botticelli angel who came to life, perhaps? Must he be the key to some splendid castle in the sky?

"God dammit, Jaemin. I thought I lost you."

Well, God wouldn't like that, Jaemin thought. He groaned, wincing until he had perfectly adjusted his vison.

"I thought.. I thought I was in heaven... I couldn't think of anything I did to deserve being there."

Renjun dragged a stool and sat as close to Jaemin as possible, nuzzling into his shoulder. Because of the cervical collar around his neck, he couldn't shift to take another good look at the boy. He had one light arm splayed out over Jaemin's chest like a limp embrace. Jaemin managed a small smile, but in his chest he was far happier, far more relieved.

It wasn't Renjun who was in pieces. That's good.

"It's too early to go there, Jaem."

"I thought you... were my angel or something."

Renjun scoffed.

"I'm— ow..." Jaemin wheezed as Renjun shifted on his fractured body. "Still not wrong about that."

"I don't want to argue about anything anymore, please.'' Renjun whined.

"It's not up for debate."

The smaller boy laughs, tilting his head up as if to hold back tears.

The place falls quiet again. Jaemin doesn't wonder where the bitterness in his chest had gone. The feeling that had been imprisoned in his ribcage must've broken out, both figuratively and literally.

"I'm so, so sorry."

"Renjun."

"I mean it and you need to hear that from me. If I hadn't persisted you wouldn't have almost died!"

"Renjun, stop."

Renjun's lips sink into a frown, his face crestfallen with guilt.

"You must hate me."

"No, angel. Not ever."

[fairyjaem]

the world was so interesting

when you were in mine

i cared about the little things

just to say them

just to talk to you

now i don't see them

not anymore

so there's nothing to say

except the same little things

i knew

[fairyjaem]

She felt for the lock in the dark.

There were multiple key holes. This place was incomprehensible. She was searching for the one she knew, the one with a shape as familiar to her as the back of her hand. Her vision was black. It drove her crazy to live in a moment of void for more than five minutes. She wasn't particularly dying where she was. There was no time limit, and her life wasn't at stake. But she was lost, and that feeling alone was like a warning for Consequences. She searched over and over again.

She didn't have a key, no. And yet she was still searching, like unlocking something was her obligation, and that she must get through a door before a Consequence comes and gets her. She was a Dreamer, for goodness' sake! Aren't Dreamers supposed to be able to see in the dark? Maybe she didn't know what that meant, but she had thought it impractical for peoples alike herself to calculate, to search for a fixed principle that could get her out, like the Scientists would.

But the hourglass was illusory.

[fairyjaem]

As the dream faded, she chased it, forlorn.

He was evanescing from her. Always the same sob story that happened across the lonely street of her old house. Whilst everything kept fading, she tried with all her might to keep it clear. To keep it from vanishing. Damn he, but most of all, damn herself. She belonged there, in his arms. But in the world she came from, she had to make sure she was still of conscious existence. She dreamt of blue eyes, of fingertips caressing her shoulder, of fireflies and quiet streams and bruised ankles on rough stone.

She was back. She loved him when he loved her, and she believed it. She was the happiest girl on earth.

It had morphed into a thought. A creation of conscious longing. A tear running down her cheek.

[fairyjaem]

when you walked me along the side of the road, and i along the field

it felt like it had been the hundredth afternoon our knees swam through needlegrass,

and the hundredth we've danced on the barrels and bridges of your memories

they have not been trapped in your mind's territory which i have trampled upon

but are at large amongst the nature which i associate with my body, mind, and swollen heart

and more unsaid, written on the leaves, engraved on the timeless bodies of trees

concealed by mellow talk and laughter

i like you, very much

[fairyjaem]

Apart from the pinnacle of pleasure is the fall; like a resolution longed for at a time of unrest. I have deemed myself unchaste; almost idle amongst hills of responsibilities... but I love to drowse. I have a preference for semi-liquid synapses. What comes after that is a short moment of grief for the girl I lost at fourteen, and then fantasies of something entirely pure. An irony to the latest endeavor, and from the heart. I know it is something I long for, for someone I regard so highly that I keep them separate from those condemning visions.

I lost myself for an expedition to shed light upon my mind's black; I still aimlessly wonder if I am capable of loving.

[fairyjaem]

doused my mind in

vanilla diet coke, for

freedom is expensive, and

my condescending majesties say

most freedoms are calories, while

in their bloodstreams flow gasoline, and

their heavenly bodies

a forty-nine

you're ill when

you take a bite,

says the majesty

look,

she says, and

shows me her wrists

i don't have lines because

beauty is coded in my mind

with a pea on her tongue

she parts with her limbs not touching, and

leaves me alone, with

my fucking vanilla diet coke

[fairyjaem]

Every boom in the distance signified the fall of every dinosaur that mightily roamed the earth. Our bones will see the future of a home no longer familiar to us. But he was all that I saw within this moment.

I knew we had everything we needed in place. His favorite record spun on the player, my drawings of him stowed in a vault box whose life depended on luck, and ourselves beneath the sheets. His eyes were so achingly pretty when they were shut, but lusciously brown when they opened. He'll never open them again, but all I had to do was think of them.

He told me once that if I dreamt of him, it meant that he was thinking of me. I used to laugh at how inane people were for coming up with psychological myths, and now I'm wishing on the stars falling on us that when I think of him, just as I do now, he would see me in his dreams as he slept. 

We never said goodbye. We didn't have to. It was just like how we never said hello. We found ourselves when we needed each other, however spontaneous his entrance was in my short life. 

The chips of the ceiling falling from above came like tiny pellets of rain. When the earth shook us, I inched closer to his heart so that it was the only thing I could hear. I matched my heartbeats with his, content with how untroubled and sound it was. 

Then came the scorching heat. It was like summer, the first and only season I'll have him on this dying planet.

But he and I, the music, the paint, and the cottage by a shimmering stream will live on, our dinosaur fossils telling the story. 

[fairyjaem]

i had not realized our impact

was an abstract that

alluded to something

beyond comparison to my reveries

until a fraction of my innermost

existence, my indefinite actualities

have been severed

we were a bottomless ocean and

our sailors pursue a search

a penetration of sea to earth

heart to heart and

word for word

earthly magnets swing the

compass to time where the

sailors go back

with seafloors forever a

product of dreams gone black, and

the oceans of indefinite actualities

severed through the

compass curse

[fairyjaem]

tell me to turn around

tell me that i should go now

---

why aren't you saying anything?

because i don't want to just yet

you are happy

how could you say that?

because i believe it

i always have

and i've become the most sorry in

my life to have stolen your

happiness

[fairyjaem]

she descends the stairs in a

familiar place

not quite what it was

but how it had felt

she finds him with his friends

just as he was

for this was the only one she knew

hey

she approaches him

i've missed you

she exclaims hoping

he would receive it

with humor

as would he a long time friend

bewildered he returns it

nonetheless with a smile

and suddenly she is aware

and puts a palm to her mouth

excuse my tongue,

she searches

for her successor

you must have someone

and she is silenced

by a crease in his brow

no

in three words a breath

sweeps her off her feet

yearning was over

by a swift embrace

by a collision so tumultuous

gravitational in an inward

collapse right where she fit

long ago

but there were stars blinking at them

that wanted a piece of the force

they've witnessed in the space

not here, she says

let us take this somewhere else

she ascends the stairs in a

familiar place

just as it was

and how it had felt

to return

banished

[fairyjaem]

this doesn't change anything

i'd rather the world ended here

before i have to leave

she mutters against

his pale shoulders

so that i'd no longer have another memory

of parting from you

so tell me

tell me all the things you want to do

i want to hear it

the things you love

the things you live for

[fairyjaem]

i'll let you in on something

my teacher once told me that we don't die one death

we die so many times in our lives

because our old selves die for our new ones

here's an example

you were my most favorite person in the world

and i was in love with him

he is still here

but the one that loved me died many years ago

and did the one that love me die too?

she paused

it is a shame to tell you that she didn't