exrkchangjo-archive-blog

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

A NEW CHAPTER

First things first, I'm the realest I'm sorry.

So if you don't know what's going on... Well, take a look here.

I sat on my laptop for several hours, thinking about how I should approach this. I have typed and retyped that solo alone for several days straight.

I've avoided trying to drop Changjo for three months now, ever since April. And lately, roleplaying has become a chore. That's not fair. That's not fair to me, and that's not fair to you. It's become something I have to do, something I feel obliged to do.

It shouldn't be this way. It should have never gone down to this. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, thinking about how I'm really not that upset about what I'm doing.

It really kills me that I've become that person who roleplays just to do it. I hate it. It really kills me.

Months ago, I was a girl who loved roleplaying because it was fun and amazing. But I'm not that girl anymore. I'm angered and upset about this development...

It makes me feel sick to my stomach, knowing that the only way I've been able to roleplay Changjo is through angst.

I'm sick and tired.

I'm done faking this. I love making people happy, but I'm doing this for myself. And that's selfish, yeah. And I shouldn't have dropped that solo so suddenly, but I did. I'm sorry.

I used to love roleplaying and now I... I've lost that spark. And that hurts me the most.

And who knows? Maybe I'll come back.

But I need to do this for myself.

And I'll still talk to everyone. I've made a personal aim to talk to everyone on. It's melxriec. (: I love you all.

I'm sorry again.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

VII. I'LL MOURN YOU WHEN YOU GO

Changjo was in a workshop when he had fainted.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital. Again.

Fuck.

This was his stupid routine. He couldn't keep living like this.

Something needed to change.

So when his dad gets a business job in California, in the States... What is there to do?

"Your tumor in your left atrium has grown inevitably larger, and it seems that your body cannot go through anymore physical activity," his doctor says, his voice monotonous.

"But what about my career? What about my training? I'm a dancer, for God's sake!"

"I'm sorry."

                                                          --

"Son, I'm leaving Korea. I've gotten a job in America." his dad tells him a day after his discharge.

"But..."

"I'm sorry."

                                                          --

Every time he looks at his roommate, all he can feel is guilt.

Every time he looks at any of his friends for that matter, all he can feel is bile rising -- feeling sick of all the lies he's told.

He wants to scream that he has a tumor, but that isn't very appropriate - now is it?

                                                          --

"Are you okay?" Luhan asks, one night, after catching him puking his stomach in the bathroom.

"No."

                                                          --

He visits his mom and dad's house, to walk in on a shit storm. The living room is trashed, the kitchen has broken plates in it, his parents' bedroom is half empty - all of his mother's things are gone. The only thing untouched is his old room.

But in his old room is sitting both of his parents. His mother is crying, tear streaked cheeks and teary eyes. His dad has his head in his hands.

"Mom? Dad?" He whispers, looking at them. His mother has a suitcase near her feet. She takes one look at Changjo and throws herself at him. He stumbles a bit from the impact, but he holds his shaking and crying mother.

"Son... the flight is tonight."

The words are dizzying as his father says more but he can't hear it because his blood is pumping too loudly in his ears to concentrate on that.

What?

The ground beneath his feet feels like it's shaking.

"No, you said it was Monday night."

"It is Monday night."

"No... it's not."

Eyebrows furrow as his dad points to his iphone's lockscreen. 3:29 PM, 7/7/2014; Monday.

It was fucking Monday.

"How many tickets did you buy?"

His mother howls into his shirt some more, clinging on to him.

"Three."

Changjo lets out a huff of air, "How were you so sure that I'd agree to going?"

"I wasn't."

Changjo freezes in place.

"It's your choice, son," his dad says, taking his wife - Changjo's crying mother - into his arms, again.

It's his choice.

Tears fill his eyes as for once in his life...

He gets a choice.

                                                          --

And when he leaves to go to his apartment.

He grabs a suitcase.

Packs up all of his belongings.

All of his things.

He takes his clothes from the closet.

He takes his pictures and photographs off the wall.

He picks up his laptop carefully putting it in his laptop case.

He grabs his chargers, putting it in his backpack.

He can't help but sit on the ground and cry.

He stays on the floor for a good hour before calling a taxi to Sphere Entertainment.

                                                          --

He explains his situation.

His teachers sigh and wave him off. They say they're all sad that it had to happen.

But he knows that he couldn't exactly prepare for this.

                                                          --

He's standing outside Sphere when he checks the time.

5:58 PM.

The plane left at 7:45 PM.

                                                          --

He goes to one last place.

The dance studio.

He says his goodbyes to his friends.

Before turning and calling another cab.

To the airport.

                                                          --

His bags feel like coal. They're heavy and he feels more and more weighed down with every step.

When he sees his mother and father standing there, he feels... strangely okay.

Because maybe life in America will be different.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

this is mostly about changjo’s neck

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

Who would you pick out as your rival in Sphere?

I don’t see any of my Sphere family as rivals. So…

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

If there was one thing that was misunderstood about you by people that you had the ability to clarify, what would that thing be? How would you explain or defend yourself in an effort to not be misunderstood?

Well, I’d like to clear the air regarding my relationship with my parents. It has come to light that I’ve had many issues with my parents, and many people both personally and in past honesty hours that people seem to have it in their minds that I have come to hate or resent my parents, and that really isn’t the case. I love my parents, I do. And to explain this, I’d really just tell them the truth. My parents, when I was younger, did not have any focus on me whatsoever. They had a child, irresponsibly, and didn’t have the time to take care of me. They were always working, but never once did I hate my parents. Even when I ran away, I never once hated them. Yes, sure I was upset about what they did to me, but I never hated them. And to defend myself, I’d tell them what I have just told you.

(And in other news, my relationship with my parents has gotten better - more specifically with my dad. My mother has made no move to contact me at all since I left, and I know I have hurt her quite a bit.)

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

If you had to go into the past and choose to never meet one important person in your life at this moment who would it be? and why?

I’d say… That one kid who shoved me on the playground because he said I was stupid and my parents didn’t love me. Without him, I wouldn’t have had such a self deprecating side to me.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

what would you do if your roommate ate all the nutella

If Luhan ate all of the nutella, I’d kick him out. Shh, I don’t care if it’s his apartment. I’d literally kick him to the curb. I’m not here for that, dubai.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

if you could call/talk to anyone right now, who would that be and what would you say?

I’d say Dongjin. Just because I miss him, and we haven’t talked in like three weeks. 

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

Idols aren’t supposed to have sex — and if it’s revealed that they are, there’s usually a lot of backlash for it. How would you deal with it if you were in a sex scandal? Keep in mind that you would most likely be bashed by fans and antis alike, as well as be in a lot of trouble with your company.

Wow, what a hard hitting question. Well, first off, I’m sixteen. So, yeah. Second of all, I’d apologise to my fans. I would not try to brush it aside, I’d face the consequences, one hundred percent. I would take full responsibility for my actions, and if that causes my fans and antis to hate me even more — then well, at least I’m not hiding. I don’t want my fans to see me as someone who would avoid talking about my scandals like the plague. I want to be able to be honest with my fans. Sometimes honesty is the hardest thing to have when being an idol, but I want to take responsibility for what I do.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

hakyeonrk said: 

you want to be king of tumblr is what you're saying

i'm already king of tumblr is what i'm saying

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

What was your most recent dream about? Don't cop out and say you don't remember!

My most recent dream was about this weird commercial that I watched a Youtubers React for and it was literally so creepy. The commercial had this guy made of ice cream, and my dream was that everyone was made of ice cream and were eating each other…

Needless to say, it was disgusting.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

Would you rather star in a bad ass action movie that does poorly well, or an insainly popular romance once-in-a-lifetime romance story that you hate with a passion?

I’d say a popular romance once-in-a-lifetime romance story that I’d hate with a passion because at least I’d be able to do what that one actor from Twilight did and mock and insult it during every single interview.

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

like this post and i'll send you a question !

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

by reblogging this, your character will answer every question he/she receives in the inbox truthfully. no dodging any questions or giving ambiguous answers that don’t really answer the question at all—be completely honest. please use this opportunity to send each other good questions that may help the mun develop their character’s muse, not questions for the shits and giggles. also, if you reblog this post, send questions! don’t just sit there and expect to only receive. no one likes being the odd one out so let’s make sure to send, send, send! the most important rule is to have fun though— don’t forget that one. 

it's time for some honesty,

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

[ TWITTER ] JJANGJO97 POSTED JUST NOW; 140524

kinda tired, kinda sleepy

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

1/? - Changjo being a little shit

What Changjo would say to introduce L.Joe to a girl x

[exrkchangjo-archive-blog]

Changjo was potentially freaking out. It was no surprise that Luhan hyung had started making jokes about his texts. He was usually not like this - he never said anything serious; hell, when he initially opted to be roommates with Luhan, they both admitted that they weren't serious about the idea until it happened. He was torn: should he tell Luhan? About this... this thing inside of him? Granted, the other deserved to know. Right? He wiped his shaky hands on his pajama pants. God, he was so afraid. For once in his life, he was so afraid. He wanted to live. The want to live was so desperate, that he couldn't help thinking of the other option. He shook his head and went to plug in the movie. The movie played the previews and ended up on the menu screen in no time. The apartment was full of the Captain America opening track immediately, and he smiled weakly at the sound before getting up upon looking at the time. He quickly shuffled to the kitchen to take two painkillers.

He sighed before settling back down on the couch. The door opened with Luhan yelling for him. "In here," he replied quietly. He shut his eyes for a few seconds letting a wave of nausea pass as he saw colors behind his eyelids. He heard the older talking about takeout - ah, so that was what he forgot. Either way, he smiled upon seeing the older and raised an eyebrow at his words. "Well I'm not too keen to getting the shits, but yeah -- sure I'm up for it."

i need a doctor ☊ changjo & luhan

He’d just stepped into the apartment complex when he sent his last message, bowing in greeting to one of the other tenants whom he recognized as the woman down the hall with three kids and a husband who worked overseas a lot. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious as to what exactly Changjo had to tell him, especially because conversations between the two of them rarely took the ‘serious’ route. But even if he had joked around in his text message, Luhan couldn’t help but feel like there was a very pressing matter at hand, and that whatever Changjo had to say would change things.

After a relatively uneventful elevator ride (only relatively, because one of his neighbors from the floor above had nearly spilled over his groceries in an attempt to catch it), Luhan made his way to his shared apartment with Changjo, inputting the keycode on the digital lock before entering, calling out to the younger male from the doorway as he took his shoes off. “Ya, imma,” he yelled into the apartment, flipping on the lightswitch to the hallway as he progressed further inside. “Did you call for takeout yet? I think I want to try that new sandwich place down the street. They’re having a grand opening special, too, so it’s cheaper.” He made his way into the living room, sliding across hard wood floors in his socks, a smile spreading on his face once he caught sight of his roommate. “I heard my coworker say their bread is really good, but he got the shits the day after, so I don’t know. I’m up for an adventure if you are.”