exhausted-rebel

[exhausted-rebel]

Daseins in the same essential state experience intersubjectivity with other entities and other Daseins. We may see others as an object, as a tool or medium, but we also see others as a subject, depending on how we relate with them. For me, that is the beauty of being-in-this-world. You have to freedom to create your own destiny in this world by the choices you make and how effective you want to be for the other entities and the other Daseins.

Excerpt from a book I will never write

[exhausted-rebel]

Waiting in Vain

There was a girl Waiting, crying for help As she stayed crouched in excruciating pain Unmoving, still, but the burn seething Her skin scalds from the brightest star The strength fades, leaving her body Her eyes water from the afflicted sting Her left chest twists in a tangled knot And her hand grabs it in a tight fist Trying helplessly to numb the ache But she was already broken Disintegrating piece by piece While hopelessly waiting for a savior Who she knows will never come.

[exhausted-rebel]

PSYCHOLOGY FACT #102

Very private people have mastered the art of telling you little about themselves but doing it in such a way you think you know a lot.

Read More Psychology Facts Here

[exhausted-rebel]

To Him: Unforgettable

I remembered the first time You told me you liked me I didn't believe you. I remembered the first time You said you'd earn my trust I didn't believe you. I remembered the first time You promised you'd wait for me I didn't believe you. I remembered the first time You texted me that you've missed me I didn't believe you. I remembered the first time You called me because you wanted to hear my voice I didn't believe you. I remembered the first time You mentioned how you feel so blessed to have me I didn't believe you. Because no matter how many first times I try to remember The only one unforgettable Is the last time you said You're letting me go And for the first time I regretted not believing in you.

[exhausted-rebel]

My Secret Lover

There was a guy who fell in love with me, Not the type who’ll stare my way whenever I walk past, Not the type who’ll leave notes inside my locker when I feel down, Not the type who’ll give me pretty flowers when I feel insecure, But the type who’ll wrap his arms around me, Never letting me go. Even though I didn’t like him - didn’t love him. And I never plan on falling for him. Whenever I sit in class, my attention towards the teacher, She would ask and pick me to provide the answer. He’d whisper, “Are you sure that whatever is on your mind is right, Won’t your classmates laugh at you in plain sight? And hey, your teacher and classmates are waiting, Go on, answer, and stop yourself from being humiliating.” I open my mouth and close it back, Losing the certainty I was sure I didn’t lack, But there he was smiling sadly at me, And here I was not sure if he was trying to cheer for me. Since then I’d stop making eye contact with the teachers, Making sure I wouldn’t be called for questions I got unsure answers. What was I to him? What was he to me? I remember our first date, The one I finally agreed into going. He knew what I wanted and encouraged me to ask the barista, Some extra packets of sugar for my bitter mocha. I stood up hesitantly and moved towards the counter, The barista was occupied with another customer. But acknowledged me still and fed my satisfaction. At that, he whispered, “You should’ve waited for the customer to finish her order. Why did you interrupt, so now look who’s been sending you daggers?” I couldn’t even mask the embarrassment on my face. I couldn’t even look at the customer and confirm. I just knew that i was never ever going to ask extra packets, And be satisfied with the bitterness of my coffee. Soon did I start to get used to it, And started ordering a drink, sugar free. Why can’t he leave me alone? Why can’t I leave him alone? Whenever I meet new people, He’d be right there beside me, Whispering things like, “Hey, that person’s bored of you. He thinks you’re ugly with your sweater. She thinks you’re stupid and awkward. Why did you even go to a social party if you don’t know how to mingle?” So then I’d start forming questions in my head, Jumping to conclusions that will surely hurt when I land. Maybe, I should’ve worn something else. Maybe, I should’ve said another thing or two instead. Maybe, I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe, I should have gone with a friend. But then hey, he would start, “Stop awkwardly trailing behind your friend, She’s starting to get annoyed of you, do you want your friendship to end?” Maybe, I shouldn’t have attended. I started to hate parties since then. I began to dread being with a lot of people. I hated it when I’m surrounded with people I do not know. Because then, my mind would start to wander off, Into the land of insecurities and awkward conversations. Why was I even listening to him? Why can’t I just ignore him? Whenever I talk to guys I like, And chat with them, earning the courage to initiate the conversation, And then while waiting for a response, He’d tell me, “That guy likes someone else, can’t you tell? He probably doesn’t even want to talk to you, But can’t ignore you because he’s too kind to.” And then he’d leave the room with doubts and negative thoughts for me to ponder. I’d start to count the seconds and minutes he’d reply. I’d start to wonder whether the guy didn’t really want to talk to me, Trying then to read between the messages the guy sent, Any signs that would confirm all my doubts, And when the guy would take too long to reply. I would think, yes, maybe he likes someone else. Or when he’d leave me in seen zone. I would think, yes, he doesn’t want to talk to me. What didn’t I say right? What did I do wrong? Was my message too short? Was my message too long? Or was I too obvious? Too oblivious? Leaving me with regret and humiliation. How could I face the guy I like again? How could I earn back my courage to talk to guys? How could I stop being so awkward? And so in my little comfort zone I stayed. With him. Beside me. I would go to bed with my blanket damp with tears. I would go to bed with thoughts filling my mind with fears. How did he even fall for me? How did I even fall for him? The dreadful moment came when I finally gave in. I lost control of my own life, Because I started to fall for him. The guy who wouldn’t stop giving me beautiful insecurities instead of flowers. The guy who would whisper, tickling my ear instead of just stare at me as I walk past. The guy who wouldn’t be satisfied with just notes and gave me doubts unconditionally. The guy who loved me with all his heart that’s why he wanted to change me To a person he wanted, to a person I wasnt, Making me forget the girl I used to be, Losing the person everyone loved, Never leaving me alone, always the selfish one, Always the possessive one. I fell for Anxiety. And perhaps, I was too tired to fight. I was too tired to take his arms off of me. And every single day I’d miss him. I miss my old life back. I miss my own solitude. I miss the person who I used to be. I miss me.

[exhausted-rebel]

Swing

(a song by yours truly) Help me up Push my back lightly Let me swing Under the stars Keep me up Watch me from below Let me swing Over the moon Don't you Let me go Don't you Let me fall Swing me up Push my back lightly Let me be With you Hold me up Watch me from below Like you do To her.

[exhausted-rebel]

This one-shot story is my open letter to the guy I noticed and had seen and crossed paths with for more than 3 times in the grocery store within 2 hours. Yes, this is a true story, and I didn't exaggerate any of the details. I just wanted at least someone to read this and understand the thoughts I have poured out in the open. Also, a small part of me honestly hoped that it would reach this guy. If not, then it may as well be a supermarket coincidence.

[exhausted-rebel]

How To Get Away With Murder, season 3.

[exhausted-rebel]

Someday by Yours Truly

Someday we will achieve happiness, Strawberry milkshakes and caramel ice creams, Flavorful lollipops and almond truffles, Blueberry cheesecakes and chocolate mousse. Taking a bath under the rain, Jumping on puddles after And splashing our rainboots wet, And the sun would shine and smile. Dont even get me started with Butterflies and rainbows With pot of gold at the end And friendly trolls ready to hand them. Expressing ourselves on street walls Or petting tame animals, Giving candies to children, And helping out grandmas on streets. Listening to our favorite jams On car drives or even car rides, Our headphones on our ears, Our soul dancing to the beat. Reading our favorite books From paperbacks, hardbounds, and ebooks. Being a character inside the story, And learning life lessons to apply. Going out with friends And savoring each moment From the comebacks and jokes That'll make us laugh our hearts out. Then coming home with a family, Ready to accept and love you, Forgive all your mistakes, And support you in every way. Just to succeed in the future. Attain our life's ambitions, From tending to sick people To saving innocent lives. Inspire others. Motivate and encourage them. Helping them color their days With different crayons of life. Sharing light to those in darkness, Listening about their life's struggles, Comforting them in every way, So they can stand once again. Find the person for me, Who'll be my past, present, and future, Who'll hold my hand even when its wrinkled, And tell me im still the most beautiful woman. And then we'll watch our grandchildren Achieve their life's dreams, As they dance under the rain, And jump on puddles. As they point at the rainbows, And hope for a pot of gold. As the popsicles drip on their little hands, And their cheeks marked with joy. Someday... I always hated that word. It makes all my dreams so far away, Like all my hopes will just be hopes And somedays will forever be somedays. There is this uncertainty, Lingering in every someday, Like it's not sure. Like it won't happen. And so why not start tomorrow? Tomorrow we can achieve our dreams, Little by little, one by one, Our hopes and dreams turning to reality.

[exhausted-rebel]

Fly

Hold my hand, will you? Or I might start to fly Away from all my troubles From all my responsibilities Away from my pain and misery And everyone stopping me

[exhausted-rebel]

3pm School Bus

Riding the school bus full of kids and a bus full of high school students my age were both different experiences, and to be honest, I enjoyed the one full of kids the most.

As you enter and walk through the aisle and as you head towards the back, kids would greet you and say hi and even would want to clap your hand. And then during the ride, they’re like going on a field trip or a road trip as they sing along to a Let It Grow song from The Lorax or Let It Go from Frozen or How Far I’ll Go and You’re Welcome both from Moana. It made me take out my earphones and instead of listening to my own music, I listened to their cute and adorable chorus.

In contrast, as I walk through the aisle of a bus full of teens near and similar to my age made me feel akward. Sometimes, intimidated. Where am I supposed to sit? Placing your bag beside the space next you has to mean that that seat is reserved. But most of the time, they place that just because they don’t want to sit with anyone else. Another thing is how silent it is most of the time, and the interaction with other school mates seemed dull.

Everyone seemed to be in their tiny little corner with their earphones on and music played on the maximum volume. There are even some who draw the curtain around them, completely isolating himself or herself to his or her seatmate.

What I don’t get though is how did that huge gap came to be anyways. Is this due to the innovated technology? To the generation full of smartphones and internet that social interaction are solely based on networks inside that small rectangular box?

Whatever the reason may be, I always hoped that I would be able to ride the 3pm bus again, just so I could enjoy my school bus ride home with a new song they’d learn.

And maybe, someday, I’d sing along.

[exhausted-rebel]

It's always going to be like this isn't it. I tell you over and over that I can be a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, or an ear to lend, and you always tell me that you know. But then you're there, telling everyone how you can't keep it in yourself anymore, and that there's NO ONE to talk to. Okay, fine. 😢

[exhausted-rebel]

January told me that just because a new year starts doesn’t mean a new me has to start.February showed me that I am worthy of being loved. March exposed me and all my worries and insecurities, and made me stronger by beating me down. April taught me that sometimes other people see parts of yourself better than you do, but they may not always see the dark parts. May spread me so thinly that I felt as if I were a drop of rain trying to cover an entire sidewalk. June set me up; sometimes people are terrible, terrible creatures, and they’re willing to twist things however they need to in order to get what they want. July presented me with an opportunity to prove that moving on doesn’t mean letting go. August allowed me to rebuild parts of myself I thought I had lost. September erased me; once again I would be a blank slate, and that haunted me for days. October held me up for the world to see; I was now a part of something bigger than myself, something bigger that could make a difference. November terrified me, showed me that out of sight did not mean out of mind, told me I was still in love even though I tried so hard to let go. December let me know that just because the year is coming to an end doesn’t mean I have to as well.

sunrises-and-nightlights  (via wnq-writers)