everythingsucksbykate

[everythingsucksbykate]

A Letter to “the ex.”

.

Im still still perceiving my outsides because of what my ex changed on the inside. I was such a mean person to him after a certain point. I was no longer the girl he knew. I wasnt the girl who was excited and all about him anymore. I just wanted out, without having the will or the way to do it. And when I think back, he cried in front of me so many times and I just disregarded his feelings because he did the same thing to me. He wiped away all the compassion from my heart and made me be just like him. Hard. Unfeeling. Uncaring. All the bad things I perceived him as, I became too. And I hate that I still think about it. But I do want to apologize. And I know it doesn’t make sense either. But I think its also about forgiving myself for who I became when under those terrible conditions. We were both so miserable together. I never want that to be my kind of love ever again. I’m finally facing the more emotional and tense things that I did, that we did, that he did, and I can move through it so much easier. So some good has really come out of this, even now, to rear its head from out the concrete pad.

I’m sorry I didn’t care. And I’m sorry I kept telling you that you had no feelings, because it wasn’t true. We just loved really, really differently, and hurt each other in different places. It was uncomfortable, loving you. I didn’t always enjoy it. But that parts I did enjoy were how you were you. You were Cat. Because you loved cats, and you had the natural affinity for them. That was sweet. I know that deep down you were just a kid who wanted to be loved. You also wanted to be left alone. You also wanted friends. Community. Even if it wasn’t in healthy ways. There was so much potential in you. There was so much about you that excited me. I wanted to get high, you gave it to me. I wanted sex, you gave it to me too. And Im sure if you had the chance you would’ve stolen the world for me too. But things didn’t work out that way. I grew more and more disappointed and frustrated with you because instead of seeing that I had taken you as you are, you took that and ran with it. You didn’t change. You didn’t want to be different than what you had previously established. You didn’t want to really grow with me, as much as you say you wanted to. We were lovers. Friends. And you took advantage of me in a lot of situations. You screwed me up in the way that I watched you screw everything else up, in one way or another. But I loved you. I tried loving you through it. Even when I didn’t want you anymore, I still tried. For you. For the memory of us and all that I thought we’d be. So much loss of such a big love I had for you. My hurt boy. So safe with me. Its sad when you think about it. You were one of the first people that I loved, that simultaneously broke that love from within. You broke the frame I had in it, and in a sense, the world. I’ve changed so much since learned. I have healed so much and I’m still learning how to navigate this tension between me and the obstacles I face. Between me, and different people who hold little pieces of you in it. Between me and what I was taught love was. Between me, and the aura, the soul that I keep looking for in all the guys I meet, and in the friends Ive made. Ive been able to love again, differently, openly. Beautifully. Nontoxic. And that counts for something. Out of all of this, you taught me the good, and the bad that Im capable of.

I am grateful for that.

[everythingsucksbykate]

He doesn't see how much he hurts me. The internal bruises never fully go away. Insecurities spiraling out of control. Time and time again I pour out my heart into an empty, lifeless puddle in front of him. I will be his mental punching bag. I will take my blame and swallow its hard pill. Because that's what I'd do for him. What would he do for me?

[everythingsucksbykate]

“Writing is something you do alone. It’s a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story but don’t wanna make eye contact while telling it.”

— John Green

[everythingsucksbykate]

Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars

[everythingsucksbykate]

“I know I’m not easy to love. I’m a chronic over-thinker. I overreact more than I should…And every once in a while, I might be a little insecure. But if I am in love with you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you’ll forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe I’m not the best at being loved - But I like to think I’m pretty good at loving.”

— Chelsea Carroll

[everythingsucksbykate]

How do I love him when I can't love myself?

[everythingsucksbykate]

I see little moments drifting on an ocean of nothingness. Tiny leaves breaking through the concrete. Distant constellations in the dark sky.

I want to look inside the place of a forgotten memory.

Translucent. Like the dead baby bird I found in the backyard when I was little. So fragile and intimidating. It felt wrong to look at it, as if staring for too long could make me remember something.

An old secret about the world. About the darkness that bleeds into time. About shining stars in the night. 

About forgetting.

[everythingsucksbykate]

When did we start to mistake depression for anger?

[everythingsucksbykate]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not happy. I'm nothing. I don't know how to express on the outside what I feel inside anymore. At least not today. My heart may smile, but my lips don't move. My eyelashes flutter, but tears never fall. Nothing helps, yet everything makes it worse. I crave to be coddled until my walls finally break, and the river of emotions can finally flow again.

[everythingsucksbykate]

If only

The sheets don't cling to me the same way that you do. My head doesn't fit the mold of this pillow the way it does your chest. There is no warm body for me to toss my leg across to ensure a tight grip. There is no blanket of safety wrapped around me pulling me in protecting me from what dreams may harm me tonight. In the dark corners of the room, fear patiently waits for me to close my eyes. If only I had you, I would sleep safe.

[everythingsucksbykate]

“Making love was never about you and me in a bed. We made love whenever we held hands.”

— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

[everythingsucksbykate]

Enough

I did the best I could today and that's enough.

[everythingsucksbykate]

“Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems. Look for someone who won’t let you face them alone.”

— Wisdom Quotes

[everythingsucksbykate]

Sleep

I would do anything to fall asleep as quickly as my kids. It's so fucking unfair!

[everythingsucksbykate]

“I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.”

— Lora Mathis, If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It

[everythingsucksbykate]

Maybe I’ll see you in another life, if this one wasn’t enough.

Florence + the Machine

[everythingsucksbykate]

First Attack

The walls are slowly inching towards me. My body is folding into itself, like I just can’t get close enough to my own self. I pull my knees to my chest and grip my arms around them. The echoing of thoughts is getting louder and louder. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on. There is a spark of electricity in my fingers and toes that slowly starts to make its way through my body up. There is a giant knot forming in my chest that keeps getting tighter and denser. Why can’t I breathe? My throat is collapsing, and I grasp for air. I feel the tears puddling in my eyes before they start to caress their way down my cheeks. I slide my hands into my hair and pull tightly at my scalp. Praying to whatever God may be that the firework show in my mind will come to a halt.