eusyesdnyl

[eusyesdnyl]

I dreamt of you. It was the most peaceful sleep, but then I woke up. I wish I wouldn’t have woken up just for a while longer. It was good to see you again, even if it was all in my head.

[eusyesdnyl]

I wish things came naturally for me. I love to write - I’ve always known that.

But sometimes I wonder - what’s the point?

Here we are again, at a fork in the road. Left or right. Left or right.

I can’t make a decision. So I’ll just sit here for a while. I’ll pick dandelions and watch the time pass by.

Because what’s the point of doing something, when you love it alone?

[eusyesdnyl]

I’m not depressed. I’m just sad. I really wish I could cry about something meaningful. Not work stress or mindless things - like breaking a glass or forgetting something.

But I wish I could truly cry and unleash these pent up emotions I’ve buried. Maybe that would help me heal. But we will save that for another day - because I can’t afford for it not to work. Because if it doesn’t work then I won’t be just sad anymore.

[eusyesdnyl]

I don’t have the answers. Hell, I don’t even have multiple choice options or check all that apply. Nothing makes sense anymore, and sometimes I wonder if it ever did.

[eusyesdnyl]

What am I so afraid of?

-loving or being loved

[eusyesdnyl]

I can’t connect with anyone. I’ve tried but it’s so forced and unnatural. All I want to do is connect with someone. Why is it so hard for me?

[eusyesdnyl]

I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I’m just here. Somehow and someway this is where I ended up. I never thought this is where my life would take me, but it did. That’s me though - big expectations and always falling short.

[eusyesdnyl]

The day constantly tries to outrun the night

and yet

night prevails.

Or does night constantly try to outrun the day

and yet

day prevails?

I feel like how this sounds

stuck in a never-ending cycle.

Constantly fighting

when I’m not even sure what I’m fighting against

or fighting for.

Ring around the Rosie

day in and day out

Or is it night in and night out?

-The circle that is my life

[eusyesdnyl]

I’m lonely

Not the kind of lonely that is romanticized in books

No, it’s not that

This loneliness, it lingers

& it seems no matter how fast I run

I can’t escape it

-the shadow

[eusyesdnyl]

Closure

12/17/2021

I didn’t think it would feel like this. But here I am.

[eusyesdnyl]

It’s been a while. I felt like writing today and I wasn’t sure why, until now. It’s been a while since I thought of you. It’s weird to think about how long it’s been. A couple weeks maybe. Even longer since the last time I’ve put pen to paper or typed out letters on this screen. This was a good reminder of something that brings me joy, even when I’m sad. Thank you for the reminder. I needed this.

Happy 27th, love. I miss you.

[eusyesdnyl]

When they hit, they hit.

-Reminders of you

[eusyesdnyl]

She wondered if anyone else hated being sad as much as she did. But then she wondered when they weren’t sad, if they wished they were, or found things to be sad about.

You see...

She found herself constantly not wanting to be sad, but then if she wasn’t sad, that didn’t mean she was happy either. There was just this stillness.

And sometimes, she felt like being sad was the only way she knew how to be.

[eusyesdnyl]

Golden Birthday

Remember when you said you were turning 25 in January? Remember when you joked about being so old?

Well since then, the snow came, then the grass turned green and the flowers bloomed, then the sun was blazing hot, and then the morning breeze turned cool and the leaves turned colors until they all fell to the ground. Then there was snow again. Another year had passed just the same as before, except it wasn’t the same, because you were gone.

It’s January 26, 2020 and you would have been 26 today. You would’ve been celebrating your golden birthday, and I like to think I would have been there with you... i miss you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it forever, you were it for me. Fly high angel, and know that as the seasons change and the years pass by I’ll still think of you.

[eusyesdnyl]

Did you feel it? I felt it. The shift to the new age.

It splits the earth, don’t you feel it shake? As forests are chopped down, and what remains burns in an inferno of rage.

People are sent to kill one another over a mad dispute between a chosen few. But we call this justice, freedom, and liberty for all. Do you see the meadows of poppies? Soon they will be in bloom.

As oceans turn from blue to brown and beaches fill with our filth, as animals die in our man-made entrapments. Don’t you see the irony?

This Earth, in which we have been given the privilege to live on is becoming a trap of our own making. What we are killing will kill us too. This is true mutual destruction. We are indeed the creators of our own fate.

Destined to destroy ourselves.

[eusyesdnyl]

Why is it that existential dread hovers over me like clouds? I just want some sunny days..

[eusyesdnyl]