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ethereal-engene · 8 days ago

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Be Alright | Kun

pairing: older-brother!kun x self-insert/gn!reader

summary: kun comforting you after your 1st day back to school worries fill your head.

warnings: self deprecation thoughts/self-doubt & not proof-read // wc: 1.7k

note: also implied reader is Chinese and younger as the reader refers to Kun with the title 哥哥 (gēge). Apologies for these particular implications but other than that, the story could be read as is even if you’re not Chinese.

No one quite comforts you as well as your older brother, Kun. You could never be more grateful for him. Today is just another reminder of that.

You woke up around 6:30 AM to get ready for your first day back to school. It was a miracle you didn’t wake up too tired. It was hard for you to fall asleep last night. With the energy you had, you got done with all your skincare and everything before it was time to leave.

Trying your best not to make too much noise since Kun and the others were still asleep. Alas you successfully to do just that. Locking the door with your keys and getting your car started. While the car was warming up, you sent a text to Kun that you were leaving now.

Not long after, a sigh came out of you and already wished the day to be over. Resting your head on the steering wheel and finally picking yourself up to actually get to campus.

The commuter life is not for the weak, especially when it’s almost an hour drive. Luckily, the playlist that Kun and you made together makes the drive more tolerable.

Finally you parked your car and went on with your day. As the day went on and you going into your classes, your head couldn’t help but flood it with doubts of yourself and your ability to succeed. Everyone in your classes seems so much better. So much smarter than you. Knows what they’re doing and ahead of you.

The air feels stuffy and you can’t breathe. Chest rising and falling quickly. Feeling like everyone can see right through you. See that you’re nothing but dumb, behind in everything, and not supposed to be there.

The thoughts don’t show up on the surface though. Or so you hope. Be sure to keep a cool face so no one asks you what’s wrong. But boy do those thoughts deep down just follow you around & continue growing in size.

For a head so small, it’s crazy how many bad thoughts can fit inside of it. Nonetheless you manage to make it through the day without completely shutting down. Finally your class for the day ends and because it’s the first day the day is shorter.

Getting into your car, you drive off without a second thought. All you want to do is be home and not think for a while. Maybe cuddle with the cats and take a nap.

Luckily the time you’re driving home is right before traffic hour! Makes the day a bit better and the drive home smooth. Eventually you reach home and open the door to see the cats laying around.

You pet them one by one and go to your room to change out of your outside clothes into pjs. Honestly you were going to lay around in your bed and probably spend your time scrolling, but you were hungry.

Like any younger sibling would, you went to bother your older sibling to make something for you. So there you were walking to Kun’s room. Opening the door, you see him at his desk. Looking at his computer and back to his notebook.

He pays no mind to your presence, if he even heard you come in. So you make your presence known.

“Kun-gē?”

Your tone is soft and admittedly in a higher pitch than usual. And you know that he knows when you want something you use that higher pitch.

“Oh hey y/n-nie! Sorry I forgot to greet you when you came home earlier. I thought you’d want to be alone for a bit, so I didn’t come to you. Also what do you want? I know you and your antics.” He looks up from his notebook and finally makes eye contact with you.

“Whatttt? No, I don’t want anything! Why do you always assume I want something from you? What if I was checking up on you like a good younger sibling or something?” All the while your body language says otherwise. With your eyes batting and playing with your fingers.

“And you were right. I was tired and wanted to be alone, but now that you’re here things feel a bit better.” Your eyes find their way to the floor for as you finish talking before looking back up. He notices that you look down a bit too long and hears it in your voice.

Kun starts to get up from his chair and stretches. He’s silent as he walks over to you. Then pats his chest while his arms open.

Signaling you to give him a hug. Without waiting any longer, you lean into the hug. You unknowingly shift most of your body weight onto him, he almost falls over. But fear not, Kun’s strong and would never let you fall. “Kun-gē, how’d you know that I needed a hug?” Your voice is so quiet and soft now.

He almost doesn’t even hear you. Kun lets out a laugh. “Y/n-nie, how long have I been your gēge? You might think you’re good at hiding it but I know see it. Do you want to tell me about it or just me to be quiet?”

Silence fills the air until your voice finds the courage to share your thoughts. “I just don’t want you to worry about me. It’s stupid but-” you start off but get cut off.

“Y/n, it’s not stupid. And I’m your older brother, I’m always going to worry about you. But that doesn’t mean you should hide your worries because it’ll make me worry. I’m responsible for my own feelings, got it?” You don’t need to look up to see that his face is now serious. His voice is firm but gentle.

A sigh escapes and you continue. “Got it, but Kun-gē you have to understand where I’m coming from! I don’t wanna seem like a bother to you or your members. You already have a lot of stuff on your plate and who am I to suddenly dump my unwanted food on there? I promise that I’ll come to you when I need your help.” Before he even get another word in, you beat him to it.

“I just feel so far behind from everyone. It’s only the first day but everyone around me feels so ahead of me. Whether it be in actual class or in life. I also just feel so out of place and stupid. I don’t know why but everyone radiates this smart energy and confidence that I don’t have. I’m not jealous of it but I feel even smaller than a bug. I hate it and I hate myself for feeling this way.” Your voice starts to crack as you admit these vulnerable feelings out loud.

“Will I ever feel enough kun-gē? Gosh, I can’t believe I’m starting to cry right now. S…sorry gēge.”

Kun releases the hold of one arm around you to rub your back. The other hand holds on tighter. His heart hurts hearing you speak so bad about yourself. Your cries end up filling the air that was so silent. Getting embarrassed about your cries being audible make you bury your head into his chest in attempt to quiet them.

Kun then moves you to his bed and removes his hold to get tissue for you. Handing them to you and you gratefully accept them. Wiping your eyes dry and his hand is still rubbing your back. “It’s okay y/n. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. I know you don’t like to admit things when you feel like this is something you have to deal with alone, but gēge is here for you. I promise that you’ll always have me. As well as mom, dad, Ten, Winwin, Xiaojun, Hendery, yangyang, and everyone else.”

He takes a deep breath in hopes that you’ll do the same. “And I wanted to let you know that I also get that way sometimes or think those thoughts, but I wanted to remind you that not everyone has walked the same path as you. It’s so easy to look at others and compare yourself to them. But how you got here isn’t the same as theirs and you shouldn’t downplay the hard work you’ve put to get where you are. And where you’re going to get. You’ll only feel like you’re enough once you start believing in it yourself. Focus on yourself.” Another deep breath from him comes out and this time you follow along.

“One day you’ll get to where you want, but you can’t do that if you always compare yourself to others. You’ll be alright! I won’t let you walk through life alone, as long as I’m here. Also you’re never a bother, and never will be. I love you and hope you come to me when you feel like this again or even when you’re happy. You’re very precious to me y/n, please don’t forget.” He brings you into a big bear hug until he pulls away.

“Now… tell me what did you want from me? And don’t lie, I know you want something.” He asks. Only to be answered with you staring at him. Leading only to you both laughing together.

You put your hands up together in the air to signal a surrender. “Okay yes I wanted something. I was going to ask if you could make me something to eat.” His eyes roll upon hearing your request. Your eyes plead and hands now in a begging position.

“Fine. Only because you were just being a crybaby just then.” You thank him before lightly smacking him.

“What?? It’s true! You were just crying!”

You’re about to smack him again but then relent because he gives in with a notion of him now begging you to stop hitting him. But also when you guys step out the door, the rest of the members are there.

“Aw look at Kun-gē being a sweet gēge! How come you never treat us like that?” Xiaojun asks. “Maybe because he likes me better than all of you guys.” You stick out your tongue at them. They turn towards Kun to hear his answer.

“They’re not wrong… run y/n! Nowwww!”

You and Kun run to the kitchen as quickly as y’all can before they tackle you two into a hug… or forced kiss on the cheek.

However you really can’t escape their loving presence and so you embrace the love they give you. And suddenly you’re reminded that you’ll indeed be alright at the end of the day.

Life is meant to be filled with moments like these. Filled with ups and downs. Filled with love and hurt. Filled with sunshine and dark days. Filled with love, joy, gratitude, and learning about yourself, the world, and all it has to offer you. There is no better or worse time to be alive. It’s sometimes up to you on how much you’re willingly to make of it. (Oh and also grades aren’t everything ✨)

May you get closer to reaching your dreams and goals! I hope that you find the strength to overcome your obstacles and that you celebrate the wins when you can. They all matter.

Also I have realized I’m quite bad at writing… or describing things. I kind of just straight forwardly and awkwardly write my dialogue. But then again, I’m not writing for perfection (or at least for this work), I’m writing for myself too.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this big mess of words that I call writing! (I’m not saying this to get compliments? I just genuinely do feel and sort of know compared to others, my work is not that great BUT THEN again comparison is the thief of joy so I don’t really care)

Nonetheless, I hope you take care of yourself and have a great day :) much love to you

signing off,

- ash