ethereal-aeitherea

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Update: Just got back from going out.  It was fun!  I was there for ~1hr 30 mins.  (Got there 2.5hrs after it started.)  They’re great and fun people.  I was tired before but I actually feel more energized now. 

So before I went was very anxiety-ridden.  I had just dropped off my sister to take the train home, I was still finishing my ice cream that I got with her 20 minutes before her train departed.  Ice cream combined with emotions equals heightened emotions.  Also the fact that whenever I see someone eating ice cream in public alone makes me SO sad and I don’t know why.  They could be waiting for their family or sitting with their family and just off to the side in the slightest and it makes me feel sad.  Anyway--That combined with the sun going down was making me feel sad.  But my sister told me to go to the game night, saying it sounded fun.  So I finished the ice cream and decided to go.

On the way, the sun was already down and the sky was finishing darkening.  I was looking for parking; I pulled halfway into three different spots before realizing they were (faded) red zones.  I decided to make a U-turn and scan the other side of the (now busy) street.  I pulled into a random apartment complex’s lot to make a turn.  It was super tight, a little dead end/culdesac with 8 cars wedged around a central small zone.  With my huge car, I was trying to do a three point-turn and realized it had to become a 5-point one??  But as I’m backing up a car approaches who belongs to one of those spots.  Their headlights are so bright and pointed directly at me, so bright I can’t see their face.  I’m already nervous; I start feeling hot and I’m afraid my tire is scraping the curb of a no-park zone.  I shift from reverse into drive and let go of the brake.  My car doesn’t move.  Wait, what?  Am I in the right gear?  I double check, it says D for drive.  I step lightly on the gas pedal, nothing.  I fear I backed over the edge of the curb again.  Earlier I had looked at my front tire and swore it had bulges and dips from being accidentally forced over curbs, yet before leaving for the party I checked again and it seemed smoother.  I feared I had backed up straight along the curb and pushed my tire metal hinges(??) in too far and caused it to stop functioning or something.  I panicked and opened my door to look back at the side of my car.  I was not on the curb, I had some space... So why wasn’t I moving?  I closed my door and put it into reverse then back into drive, and started moving forward.  Just reverse a little more now... aaaaand we’re out of here!  I sheepishly looked over at the driver waiting for their parking place and it was a male asian driver with girl passengers.  The girls were saying something.  I imagined they were speaking chinese and making fun of me, a terrible female asian driver.

I could feel the anxiety swelling, I wanted to break down and cry and call my dad but I needed to move my car away from this area and into a safe place I could stop.  I turned to exit this (shitty) lot and make a left turn into cross traffic.  A runner to my right, cars from both sides.   Let them all pass, just wait, wait for it to be clear.... I motioned for the runner to continue while I waited, to my chagrin he waved to let me pass instead.  Great.

Finally I find a street parking spot, in front of a different apartment complex, requiring walking through the dark roundabout I passed through to get here, but it’s fine.  I sit in my car and take two deep breaths.  (Not enough fresh air.)  I step outside, considering calling my dad and waiting on the sidewalk in the cool breeze before facing my friends at the party.  But no, I’d show up late with red eyes and a swollen nose/face and have to socialize through a numb voice so no.  I reminded myself my car tires were not broken, I inspected my tires after the recent incident and not even a buffed mark on them?????  I didn’t know why the car didn’t move, but I’d think about that later.  My mind quickly recapped the drive from dropping off my sister to my parked spot here.  No mistakes.  It’s fine.  I’m here, and now I’m going.  I’m pulling it together.

Walking there.  I have the address.  I look for a sign to turn back, a sign “from the universe” that things will continue to go bad, like to add on top of the stress getting here is it a sign that there’s resistance and I shouldn’t go?  But no, I’m going anyway.  I’m going.

---

I get there, the game currently going on is fun, they let me join in on their team and they grab a chair for me.  They have so many games, games I haven’t played or seen before, but they’re so fun.

---

Socializing gives me energy, I guess if it’s with the right people it can be energizing (although my introvertedness still needs my sleep and rest).  Now that I’m home... Sure I feel a high-alert/flighty kind of sense in the back of my mind but I’m focusing on other things.  I don’t want to go back into that state of freaking out and wanting to cry, so I’m not going to.

I wonder if this is one of those “pay attention to your inner child crying out” things or if it’s me keeping a handle on my emotions.  I’m not suppressing it, I don’t  think..... I felt nervous but I rationalized hey it’s fine.  Is this some new facet of “maturity” or something? Or like... Just keeping things in check?  Like I’m all for being with your emotions and letting them flow but it doesn’t have to be the center of everything.  Sometimes you want that and sometimes you don’t.  Driving is not one of those times you want to be emotional.

I’m always afraid that if I cancel last minute then I won’t be invited out any more

[ethereal-aeitherea]

I’m always afraid that if I cancel last minute then I won’t be invited out any more

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Temple Coffee That aesthetic With the white blazer, and the black apron Hair tied back Making lattes, latte art... If I was a guy I'd be totally crushing on you!!! That aesthetic though... I could Totally see you working there!

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Trials & Perils of Morning Classes

Didn't hear alarm (saw the screen -___- upon waking up from my other alarm) Forgot headphones Brought sketchbook & sketch materials Brought laptop Brought leftover boba Assignment's obvious defects fixed but not 100% satisfied 😞 Remembered my computer mouse At least I'm going... I got to hear Barom Yu's instagram live this morning though. Better than radio! Helped me to get up and out of bed. Wish I was able to wake up early and work on my assignment tho. Esp since we got an extension. *sigh*

[ethereal-aeitherea]

WHHy am I such an awk-o taco ?

:(

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Why am I so awkward around my classmates sometimes?

Like I didn’t even say hi the first day of class

And today I heard him say bye and I didn’t say it back

I guess I was hungover for the first one and the teacher last minute said class was already past over and I had <10 mins to rush to my next class...

Second one, I thought he was going my same direction after parking his bike so I waited then realized he was going further.   Oh right, that was it...... nbd hopefully?

I’ll see both these people tomorrow so I’ll say hi.  But do I sit on their side of the classroom or the side I’ve been on for 2 classes?

Actually typing this out makes it sound worse than it is.  I just need to get more sleep.  I get major social awkwardness when I’m sleep deprived.  Like today I got <45minutes of sleep.....

Okay time to hit the haaaaaaaaaaaay

[ethereal-aeitherea]

I’m really frustrated at the moment.

I felt pressure from my friend to travel and party for spring break.

I feel pressure to be the older sister.

I end up doing all the driving, I end up asking her what she wants to do and doing that.  I do all the cooking.

I used to do those things... But now I do them and feel angry about it.  So I ask for what I want.  Can you help with ___?  I’m silently angry about it then I say it with a tone that matches that.  Learning to say it sooner and without the need to be angry.

I don’t want to do what other people want.

I don’t want to make joint decisions.

I don’t want to live that way now.

I have things I need to get done.

I want to give myself the time I need to do them.

I can’t even finish all the things I need to do in this week we have off.

It’s only a week, not even that much time.

I can’t do what I think is expected of me by other people.

I don’t want to do my makeup to go to the restaurant.

I want to go fast, not wait for anything, and come back and get work done and sleep early and without interruptions.

[ethereal-aeitherea]

I can’t keep factoring other people into my decisions right now.

I can’t go shopping, I have work to do.

I need to organize my portfolio.

I need to fix up my projects and finish them for publishing.

I can’t wake up early for other people, if I really need the sleep.

I don’t want to apologize for my snappy temper if I’m not doing the things I need to be doing.

I want to be alone.

I want to sleep.

I don’t want to waste my time.

I want to get my work done.

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Things I enjoy now: Saving BTS videos on instagram Saving Kim Taehyung gifs to giphy Being outside Relaxing showers and having time to blowdry and style my hair Misting rosewater on my face before bed Feeling my skin clear up with more optimal cleansing & moisturizing Getting to drive instead of having to take the bus Jasmine milk tea boba was better for my last all nighter of the quarter than coffee New mens shirts from UNIQLO clearance Dancing when I am energized or as a break from studying Unintentionally having a themed pastel instagram Now that I’m free I’m socializing more White shorts with a tan colored oversized sweater

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Finals are done. And now it's officially spring :) Enjoying a pastry by the window, But sitting because I am tired.

[ethereal-aeitherea]

You don't have to suffer to learn.

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Dance

Origami

Taking Photos

Collecting Photos

Saving Photos

Editing Photos

Posting Photos

Writing about Food

Writing about my Day

Laughing

Writing on Photo Posts

[ethereal-aeitherea]

I have no motivation to focus.

It’s 2:44 AM.  I had no energy today again.  I only had energy to get up and dance to a few songs.  Not nearly as many as I danced to before.  I went for a short walk earlier in the evening but all I did was walk to the edge of the fence and stare at the (beautifully alluring) sunset and clouds for a good while, then go back.  Didn’t really walk anywhere, just went to the edge of the complex and stood there.

It was actually quite a beautiful moment.  I was standing there looking at the sunset so long that the biker, runner, driver, etc. all left and I was the last one still there still looking.

I wanted to try and get out to do something else so I went for a drive to buy fruit since I am becoming quite wary of how I’ve been eating soo much sugar recently, but then upon realizing I had bought clementines the other day I decided to go back home....

Once home, I realized I felt better than yesterday but still felt like shit.  I was able to take the reference photos I needed to start my 3D modeling project but didn’t really start modeling.  Let alone texturing, rendering.....

It was due this morning online at 11am but I decided I felt like shit and needed to sleep.  I can still pass the class and I can still graduate.  Also I didn’t do the last two assignments.  In my defense *cough* I’ve already done those two things before in a previous class so I wouldn’t be learning much more from doing it.  Of course there is learning in practice but once again, sleep was more important.

My allergies/strangely short-lived sickness is still here.  My nose feels stuffy.  No energy to get up and shower this morning.  No energy to cook.  No energy to do a lot of things.  Want to sleep now.  But I really need to submit this assignment.  I have another final on wednesday I need to study for.

[ethereal-aeitherea]

If he were to try and get near to me

(I fear he is playing, trying to find a new girl, see who’s interested),

to say hey, I don’t play like that.

You want to talk to me about your girlfriend troubles like I’m a bro?

Yet try to get closer to me like this?

Nawwwwww man….. no.  ;)

I think r is afraid of being alone.

:)

[ethereal-aeitherea]

How fun would it be....

to lower my voice,

draw his face near,

to whisper in his ear,

hey,

your friend, is really cute.

I think r is afraid of being alone.

:)

[ethereal-aeitherea]

I think r is afraid of being alone.

:)

[ethereal-aeitherea]

Writing

Photography

Drawings

Paintings

Digital Worlds