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[endlesslake]

Karma

Karma is a term that I believe most would be familiar with, it has had many interpretations: Karma, is action, Karma is cause and effect, Karma is accumulation. Allow me to throw one more into the mix: Karma is a replacement for Time.

Time is a concept, it does not exist outside of our thought processes. Time is also a linear form of progression, it goes from A to B to C, one point to another. What some would refer to as one dimensional. We use it as a means of measuring and sequencing progression. We however live in a non-linear universe, we are part of a multidimensional existence. Trying to comprehend something that complex with something as linear as Time is impossible, it would be akin to trying to turn a line into a circle by spinning it. That is where the concept of Karma comes in, it is a form of non-linear progression.

The general idea is that rather then progressing towards something, it all comes to us. Thus it can come from anywhere, in any way, shape or form. This is in line with the concept of the "moment", what we are left with if we take Time out of the picture. If you are having difficulty grasping the concept, imagine a screen, or a monitor. Watching a show on a screen, or playing a game, you would see movement occurring as the characters move around or as you control them. However there is no actual movement taking place at all on the screen, everything is still, and the illusion of movement is being presented to you, through the signal, internet, ect. In truth, it all comes to you. In that way, we have a concept of non-linear progression that can replace the linear progression of Time.

The interpretations of Karma stem from that concept of "accumulation". It occurs regardless of if we are aware of it or not. If we are aware, we can cherry pick what we wish to have or hold on to, and leave the rest. If we are not aware, we carry everything through life with us, and pass it on to those we encounter. That is the limitation of Time, it gives an illusion of control and narrows our awareness to only consider things in a linear fashion while ignoring all else that is going on. The "teachings" of Karma have always been trying to overturn that and make people more aware of all else that is going on.

Time is useful when we are scheduling and planning, however less so when we are trying to comprehend existence and it's functions. I am no Physicist, so I can not speak on how such a concept would reflect within the context of Quantum Physics and all that they do, but I think it would be an interesting discussion at the least, since Time is far from perfect.

[endlesslake]

Garden of Eden

In the story of Adam and Eve God forbade them from eating the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil (or knowledge of everything), but never expressly explains why. The nature of knowledge itself is interesting, if we question what accumulated knowledge affords us, it is the ability to reshape existence. That is what we do, when we speak of creating, we actually mean reshaping. Painting is reshaping color pigments, music is reshaping sounds, architecture is reshaping matter, ect.

In truth it is what all of existence does: Rearrange itself, to shape and form solar systems, planets, mountains, oceans, life, ect. Evolution is also a form of this. We became the dominant species on this world by learning how to replicate that on a lesser scale. We accumulate knowledge through observation, analysis and comprehension. That information is stored in our memories, and passed on to others through books and lectures. Over time it is refined, and new forms of thinking come into play, and each step allows us to reshape things in new ways.

The more our knowledge grows, the more we are able to reshape things. At it's peak we would be able to reshape all that exists in all it's forms. Such a feat would be second only to creation. That is the true potential of our knowledge, and perhaps why Adam and Eve were warned against it.

Knowledge would have come alongside something else as well, that is awareness. Sentience, is the ability to directly perceive things through our senses, the sun is bright, the wind feels cold, ect. Awareness allows us to predict/anticipate situations beyond direct perception by understanding the situation itself. Ie. if a phone rings, you know someone is calling because you understand the functionality of a phone. Self-Awareness is the flipside, to see "yourself" as an separate from all else. A good example would be a baby. A newborn reacts to things in front of them, but once it is removed from their sight they do not seek it, they can not comprehend that it still exists beyond their direct perception. They do not yet have that understanding. As long as there was food, water and a safe place, this would be akin to paradise.

With awareness however comes a caveat. Fear tagged along for the ride. With only sentience (direct perception), fear would only exist within the moment and nowhere else. When a threat entered the perception range of the creature in question, they would feel fear which would direct them to escape, or hide, or prepare to defend themselves as danger approaches. But once a creature becomes aware of situations beyond their direct perception and understands it (awareness), fear becomes unrestrained. It can exist anywhere the mind can imagine, and unless it is held in check, it takes over. As we progress through life and accumulate more knowledge, the scope of our thoughts grow, and fear along with it. It is why children can seem so carefree, but adults seem so worried.

I liken this to the moment Adam and Eve ate the fruit of knowledge. AKA the point when our ancestors went from being sentient, to self aware. Yet knowledge without understanding is dangerous and without truly understanding what we possess, or what we have done, we can not manage what we have. In that way fear invaded the garden, paradise, and it was no longer so.

This of course raises an interesting question: Where exactly is the Garden of Eden? There is only one place fear can exists, within the confines of the mind, nowhere else. Therefor I surmise that is also the garden. It makes sense if you consider: All we "know" of existence, all we perceive of our surroundings goes through it. Everything gets filtered through our mind, and formed into our thoughts and perceptions. If so, perhaps if we did a little gardening round our thoughts, cleaned it up, acknowledged our fear, understood things, we might find paradise again.

[endlesslake]

Some insights mean nothing, save to the one who has them.

Give a man a fish. Teach a man to fish. Why not simply help a man understand the nature of fish? My thought is that a fundamental understanding of the situation would allow a person to navigate it on their own, and that is how things should be.

I spent a long time considering the reasons behind our actions and choices. Not just the current ones, but what has led us to this point. Why did we form religions, form tribes and communities, build civilization. What motivates us? Pushes us forward. Why has Humanity done all of this? Everything we do, and have done serves a purpose. We are not simpletons, and neither were our ancestors. We all see something, know something, and it drives us forward. But what?

Before we begin allow me to clarify my definitions. For those familiar with machine learning (A.I. Development), know that "intelligence" and "consciousness" has since received new, altered definitions. Where Intelligence is a system's capability to solve problems (prefrontal cortex) and consciousness is split into tiers. The basic being sentience, which is the ability to directly perceive the surrounding area. Such as being able to "see" that the sun is bright, or "feel" someone touching you. All living beings with senses are essentially sentient. Beyond that is awareness and self awareness, being able to understand a situation well enough to "know" what is happening beyond direct perception. Ie. knowing someone is calling you when you hear the phone ring, even though you can not directly perceive the person doing so. Moving forward, when I speak of awareness, it is in reference to this definition of it.

To start with, we know we are beings that are aware, and by extension we understand that at some point our ancestors must have transitioned from being sentient, to gaining awareness. Could you imagine what they would have experienced? Felt? One could imagine that it would have been a sense of wonder, and amazement. Or would it? Sentience is the ability to directly perceive, that alone would allow one to perceive existence in all it's glory, so what would awareness bring to the table. I submit this possibility: Fear Imagine if you were kidnapped, stripped of all your belongings and clothing, and thrown into a forest in the middle of the night. What would you feel in that moment? Fear. But of what? The mind would construct thoughts of what could happen based on our memories, experiences, ect. However you wish to call it, but that is simply the mind rationalizing the fear. Fear serves a much more primal function, it warns of danger and what would have triggered that sense is the realization that you do not know what is going to happen, and that is scary. To summarize: We fear the unknown, on perhaps a very primal level.

I would not know the exact sequence of events but regardless of sequence, a similar result would have unfolded. Time would have likely been one of the first concepts to be formed. Imagine having nothing, and suddenly becoming aware of the situation beyond yourself, of possibilities that exist beyond this moment by recalling past memories, experiences, achievements, ect. (awareness). We would use that to form possible future outcomes (predictions), and in that way the concept of the past and the future would have come into play, acting as perhaps our most basic buffer against the unknown. The ability to anticipate and plan, to reduce the unknown factors, and increase the known. Over time this would have given way to tribes, communities, and eventually civilization. It's purpose simple, reduce the unknown factors, increase the known. A buffer against the unknown that we fear. This is also likely the reason why it is so difficult for us to be in the moment, we fear what lies just beyond. Our memories, our plans, provide us a simple refuge from that, allowing us avoid facing what we fear and so we come to live in our thoughts, more then the moment.

Along the way however, there must have been those who found their way back to the moment, and saw what resided there. Personally I feel the experience is a toss up between excitement and madness, depending on how you look at it. Regardless, in realization of the unknown, they likely would have done what any one of us would have done in that situation. Looked at all that has brought us to this point. Consider once more, being in the jungle alone, there would only be 2 options really: Cower till someone finds you/you get attacked, or find a way to survive. In the case of the latter, we would call upon our experiences, achievements, support we have received, everything that would have led us here. That is our identity.

I would like to detach from the previous topic for a moment to clarify "identity". The identity I refer to here is not the one given to us by society, or our family. It is not our names or titles that we have been given. In truth such things have little meaning to the ones they are given to, they have more meaning for the ones who gave them, as it is a form of classification that increases the known, and decreases the unknown. But if you were the last Human left, what purpose would any of those serve? Our actual "identity" if far more fundamental, it is what we call upon to push ourselves forward. It is how we face the unknown, by knowing who we are, and what brought us here. The nature of this identity is not fixed. If it is a personal obstacle we face, we call upon personal experiences. If it is a familial or community problem, our identity shifts to encompass others and we look at what we have experienced together. Similarly if there was a war, our identity would shift to represent our country and if aliens came to earth, we would first introduce ourselves as the people of Earth. Our identity is fluid, because it shifts according to what we need to call upon to face what lies before us. It is our strength, our support, our will. Knowing it allows us to face the unknown even if we do fear it. The strength of the identity depends on how well we understand not just ourselves, but ourselves in relation to everything else.

Now back to the previous topic: What do we end up turning to when we feel all hope is lost and there is nothing left? Some concept of God, the Creator, or higher beings typically.

It might be difficult to grasp, but keep in mind the nature of time as I have described it, that it is simply a buffer, remove it and you are face to face with the moment and all that lies within. Including our realization of the unknown. In that moment one could imagine a question being asked: If this moment encompasses all that exists, and if what lies beyond it is unknown, where did it all come from? In my mind the answer is simple: Something happened somewhere.

That would really be all that we could "know" for certain, and everything else would be an interpretation of that. But the thing is, it is more then enough. Because it draws a single unifying factor between ourselves and all of existence. All of existence is with us in the moment as we face the unknown, existence in itself acts as a natural buffer against it. It is within that way of thinking that I'd imagine concepts such as the Creators and Gods would have come to be, ways of expressing that sense of unity and connection, because we need it. We do. It represents the full breadth of our identity, how far we can reach, how much we can encompass if we ever need to in order to face the unknown, what we fear. That would have been the origins behind religion in my mind as it would not have been possible to spread such a concept otherwise. People did not have the means of communicating that we do now, organizations would have been needed to spread the word, and depending on the culture and era they were founded in, they would have been interpreted in many different ways. Much like a language. They all serve a purpose, they are all needed (still are), but the weakness of perhaps all organizations is that it eventually starts trying to preserve itself, rather then it's purpose. Perhaps because we loose sight of what that is over time. The point is that they are all striving to do the same thing in different ways, but may have just lost sight of what that is.

What I am sharing now is not new, it is old, ancient. I am simply updating it to be more relatable to the present time. For me it is nothing more then an understanding of the situation, but one that allows us to relate to everything else as a result. An idea that can be interpreted any number of ways, and it's purpose is to support all of it, not just a select few.

The undefined (unknown) is terrifying, even maddening. But when we understand the situation, we can choose to see it for what it is: A blank slate we can shape, and that is exciting.

I wish someone would understand.

[endlesslake]

Lies

I've been thinking about lies a lot recently. Growing up I was always told that lying is wrong, that lies are bad and that I should not lie, not that it ever stopped me. But one strange thing I noticed was that no one truly answered the question as to why it was wrong. The usual responses were always something along the lines of: Because telling the truth is important. But why is it important?

I had thought it was because of how it affects others, that if I were to lie about something it could negatively affect them. But that was not always the case, as at times I lied to protect people. Another was that perhaps it was because people valued the truth so much. But that did not provide an answer at all, just further perpetuated the cycle of lying is bad because truth is important, and truth is important because lying is bad. I thought perhaps the answer could be found within the reason for telling lies, but they are so varied. Because I was afraid of the outcome, or reaction, because I was trying to protect someone, or because I simply did not know. Which in turn brought another thought to mind: If I had spoken what I thought was the truth, which later turned out to be untrue, had I told a lie or a truth? The lack of a proper answer and clarity simply reinforced my belief that the truth was overrated and that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with lies, and so never a reason to stop lying. They could be useful after all.

Yet I find it strange that the concept of lying has always been negatively portrayed without there actually being a solid answer as to why. Or at least none that anyone could provide me thus far. It is often associated with feelings of guilt, but were does that guilt come from? And why is it there? Because I have hurt others by lying, or perhaps because I have done something I know is wrong? At present, I feel that right and wrong are human concepts. That we do not inherently possess knowledge of them, but it is something we learn or are thought instead, as much of it is a reflection of society's laws and people's expectations which change with time. Yet I know that feeling of guilt well, therefor there must be something else behind it. Something beyond the surface explanation of "social programming", as the act of lying and associated guilt has existed for millennia.

I ended up turning inward, and realized that when I lie, I hide away a portion of myself. When I lie about my opinions, because I am afraid how people will respond. That side of myself gets pushed into shadow. When I lie about my feelings, because I am afraid of being rejected or shunned. That side of myself gets pushed into shadow. When I lie about what I did, because I am afraid of upsetting or disappointing someone. That side of myself gets pushed into shadow. When I lie to protect someone, because I do not wish them to be hurt or experience pain. That side of myself, who knows the truth, gets pushed into shadow. It may not have seemed like much at first, but with every lie I told, I hid a part of myself within the shadow. The more I lied, the more I became shrouded, and over the years I lost sight of more, and more of myself, till I no longer knew who I was. What I was. That could be where the guilt comes from: Denying myself.

Perhaps this is a truth just for me, and no one else will agree, but I have my answer at last, one that I wish someone had provided me long ago.

Lying is simply a disservice to myself. Who I am, what I stand for, and what I seek.

[endlesslake]

To be acknowledged or to be valued

I have heard many people talk about the importance of acknowledgement, and I myself often felt as if it was something I craved. This has on many occasion driven me to try and perform at exceptional levels, often unsuccessfully, in order to receive the acknowledgement or praise that I desired (likely the reason for being unsuccessful). The result was instead a burnout, and disappointment in myself. Interestingly enough, even when I was successful and got the acknowledgement I craved, I had no idea what to do with it, or how to respond. It felt out of place, or undeserved. And I often got lost in my own thoughts about how to push myself even further, leading right back to burnouts and feelings of disappointment. Over time this took an increasingly greater toll on me. There was even a phase where I felt as if it was not worth putting effort into anything, as people would simply expect that I keep improving and outperforming myself. That it was simply better to underperform so expectations would be low and things would be easier. This of course did not work, because I did not get the acknowledgement I wanted.

Upon taking some time to reflect on it, I have come to realize that it is not exactly acknowledgement that I crave. Certainly it feels good to be acknowledged, and who among us does not enjoy being praised? But the reason it always felt out of place, or that it was undeserved, is because they were never about things that were important to me.

I used to work with a company that prioritized acknowledgement of their employees, and we would often receive awards and bonuses for being on time, not having any medical or unplanned leaves/absences ect. This would usually be done during a small ceremony of sorts that was held quarterly, as a form of recognition of everyone's efforts. I enjoyed and was grateful for it of course, but none of those achievements really mattered to me. What matters to me are my thoughts, my opinions, my views, my ideas, my feelings. And I realized, that those were rarely acknowledged, if ever. Certainly the people there were trained and expected to acknowledge such things when they were brought up, but they tended to be quickly followed by a correction or "fact" of some sort. Such as: "I understand, I do, but that is not how things are done" or "I hear you, it will be taken under consideration". Perhaps not always in that exact way, but ultimately it would be a roundabout dismissal of some sort. Now, I want to make it clear that this is not an attempt to take a jab or badmouth anyone, as this is about me, not anyone one else. That is the nature of shadow work after all. But to me it seems as if they were acknowledging what was important to them, and not what was important to me.

And yet, that was not the start of it. Thinking back even further, I realized that was how I had always been treated, ever since childhood. By parents, teachers, even friends. What was always acknowledged were things that were important to them. Of course there would be overlaps, where we both considered something important, but that was rare. Perhaps I am simply too different in my nature.

In example; I was often asked what it was I wanted, and when I expressed my desire, it was more likely then not altered to be more suitable to what others felt would be appropriate, and not always for my sake. There was a time it was agreed I could have a pet, and I wanted a cat, but was "convinced" that a dog would be better. Many years later I learned a family member was allergic to cats, something that was never explained to me at the time. Similarly there was a time I expressed the desire to play the electric guitar, but was "convinced" that classical was the better choice. The list goes on, and needless to say my interest never lasted. All of that of course paled in comparison to being told that I did not know what I was talking about when I tried to express opinions on certain matters that clashed with others (I was a child after all). It feels almost that rather then being nurtured in my youth, I was being programmed.

Eventually it resulted in me no longer expressing myself, my thoughts and opinions did not matter. I would answer questions with single word responses or shrugs, and there would always be a sense of uncertainty where I would second guess myself to the point I no longer knew what I wanted. Something that lingers still. As a result, I would simply go along with what others thought appropriate, almost always with disappointing results. Which in turn resulted in even more disappointment and uncertainty. I am not in any way suggesting that this was all someone else's fault, and that I had nothing to do with it. Again this is ultimately about me, but I was not alone in it, and understanding how it came about helps me understand what I have to do. The worst part is perhaps that I started believing that to be true of everyone else as well, that no one's opinions ever mattered, that they should keep it to themselves. This made me cold, vicious, closed off, and eventually even manipulative. Not intentionally mind, but there was a constant flow of thoughts about people and their intentions and how to use it for my benefit, and I genuinely felt that was how things should be. After all, their opinions did not matter, what I wanted did. That was how all people functioned. Or so I believed.

Happy to say that after a lot of effort and help, I do not feel that way any longer, or at least, not as much as before. I am more in control of my thoughts and feelings, and not the other way around. It is an insanely uncomfortable process, sometimes in a very physical way, to come to terms with all of that and to let go. At times almost feeling as if my heart is being torn out. But I do feel better for it, and perhaps most importantly, it helped me understand that what I crave is not acknowledgement, or praise. It is someone who will listen. To not have the things that are important to me cast aside, or dismissed. To be valued for who I am.

After all, who else am I going to be?

[endlesslake]

When did I forget who I was

I wonder about my childhood. When I was younger I felt like I knew everything, I didn't of course, but I did know what I wanted. But now I no longer do. I find myself wondering when that happened, what caused it, and if I can somehow find my dreams; myself, again.

I've come to realize that it was my exposure to others and what they believed, that took that away from me. A constant barrage of how things should be, what I should and should not do, what is right and what is wrong, resulted in doubt, uncertainty and surrendering choices, to follow others. It still happens, even now. Yet this follows on the heels of a prior revelation: That none of us know what we are doing. How could we? We fumble our way through life, making mistakes, trying to learn from them and coming up with solutions, as we attempt to navigate an ever changing landscape. How could we possibly know what we are doing?

I heard the word "responsibility" a lot while I was growing up. I hated it. Now that I am older, I can see why people place so much importance on it, but I still hate it. I may be wrong, but it seems as if it is simply an excuse for people to place their expectations on others. Perhaps that was not it's original intent, but to me at least, it appears that is how it is being used. I do not know what I am doing in life, but I am expected to, because I am an adult and adults are responsible. Society needs me to be that way, so that it can function as it does, and I am often lead to believe there is no other way. But the truth is: I am ignorant, I am lost, I have no idea where I am going, and no idea what I am doing. I am not sure I even know who I am.

But at one point, in the beginning, during the early years of my life, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to save people in ways that they would deem impossible, incomprehensible. I wanted to break down walls and barriers that were unshakable, impenetrable and let them see that they would always be okay.

I wanted to be a Superhero.