endearingjaemin

[endearingjaemin]

>>> moved to @celinesnana

[endearingjaemin]

play this when i'm gone | NA JAEMIN

you fixed your hair, drank some water and looked at karina, giving her a 'is this recording?' look and she raised her thumbs. you weren't ready but you had to do it. the farewells had unfortunately begun. your travel end has finally arrived. there's no turn back time.

"hi, jaem!"

jaemin. na jaemin. the cutest soul ever. your rock, your boyfriend.

"all this time, i've wanting to start writing you a message just so i can say that i love you. anyways, words couldn't ever arrived, that's why i'm recording this to you for when i'm finally... gone. and because i had to let you know that everything about me was... you"

behind the camera, karina's eyes were starting to drip.

"i think the time for me to leave is coming, but i wanted you to know that i'll never leave you. i mean, literally. i'm gonna be that little ghost around you, that little whisper, that fresh air breeze, that shadow behind you. like, everything i am today in day, right?"

you still remember the day you both met like if it was yesterday - he was in a park bench, breathing freedom, away from fame, crowds, pressure, tension and pain, and you were just there, chillin' it out while watching the little kids play. something, you end up talking. the rest is story. the rest walks you here, the final chapter.

"i also want you to know that, everyday, i would look to your pictures, so the last thing i did see was you. that's how i'm gonna keep you forever by my side, even if i'm not around anymore"

and you still remember the day you got diagnosed. that day, jaemin cried until he fell asleep, hugging you and trying, in dreams, to find a way that could save you from what was waiting for you. but everyday was a new fight and he had to be there to hold your hope.

"anxiety is eating me alive, you know? and i'm fighting with my sobriety. last time i could barely open my eyes from the pill i took to sleep when i promised i wouldn't do it. i apologize for that, babe"

inevitably, your body became addicted to narcotics. if everything hurt a lot or your head didn't shut up, you would automatically take some medicine. eventually, jaemin realized of it and, after a long talk, you promise him that you would control yourself... you failed.

"i'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright. you're gonna cry and that's alright, baby. i know how hard you try to keep your feelings on line. but... you don't have to because it's not a sin to show you're human sometimes. you're the purest one alive. and, for awhile, you'll probably think that you can't handle anymore or that it'll be better to give up. but you got this, jaem, and you're surrendered by people who loves you and gonna help you to be you again, darling"

your mind travels you to the first date you had. god, what an incredible night that was. he acted like a gentleman the whole evening and, just for a second, you thought he was an angel. at the end, he drove you home and asked for a second date. then a third, then a fourth, until they became into endless ones. you'll give everything to take that times back, when life was like a fairy tale.

"jaem, my beautiful jaem, i hope you get to go to all the places that i showed before on my laptop when we were choosing destinies for our little vacations. my pretty gem, i remember when i was on the road and couldn't be home to hold you when you had a breakdown from practice. a part of me doesn't want this cruel world to know you, you're way too good for it. so just try and keep in mind everything that i told you, alright? they would want to knock you down. never let them, baby, prove them you're like gold"

if only heaven could know everything you get together through, how hard it was for the both of you to still standing. no one would ever understand. waking up without being around his arms, sleeping out without his voice singing you. sometimes you still asked yourself how you managed to keep going. somehow, you did.

"society is eating me alive. i'm fighting what comes with this notoriety every night. maybe that's why i never wanted us to go public"

jaemin. your bunny. your stars. your whole solar system.

"maybe this is the last time i'll ever open up my eyes, i apologize"

you're really gonna miss his smile.

his green hoodie.

his smell.

his laugh.

you're really gonna miss him.

"just remember, okay? i'll say it again, i'm not gonna lie and tell you it's alright. you're gonna cry, baby, and that's alright. totally alright"

and it's gonna be so tough.

and terrifying.

and he's gonna be so hopeless.

"oh, and i wrote you a song to keep when i'm gone if you ever feel alone. you used to do it for me. it was kinda my turn now, i really hope you like it, it express my eternal love for you and your being"

and he's gonna cry.

but that's alright.

"i'll miss you. and i love you"

[endearingjaemin]

listen before i go | LEE TAEYONG

if someone ever asks taeyong what his biggest regret is, he would probably answer a nonsense. all indoors, he would say that his biggest regret is not answering his girlfriend's last call.

it was midnight and he was still perfecting the new choreography for the comeback coming ahead. he was tired and hungry, only wanting to lay himself down besides you, cuddling and showering you with kisses and love words. but he wasn't able to do that. somehow, the whole pressure was on his shoulders, and his deepest fear was to let someone down. even after years, he is still reluctant to understand that he was a diamond on the rough.

and you weren't far from that. for him, you were the most shining sun in the whole solar system. for him, you were his guardian angel, his heaven, his paradise door. and he only thing he wanted was to protect you from all the devils inside your head. but he couldn't because that wasn't his fight to fight. it was yours. but you couldn't either, even when you thought you were doing you best.

"hi, babe"

you talked to the voicemail, knowing that he wouldn't answer.

"do you remember when i asked you to take me to the rooftop that night? god, it was such a shining one. i wish i could go back there, i want to see the world when i stop breathing and turnin' blue..."

tears were streaming down your face, your air was choppy and you felt a knot in your heart while looking at bubu, the fish taeyong gifted to you in your first year anniversary, the one you named like him. your bubu, your safe place. you wished you could fight harder.

"and do you remember when i asked you to tell me love is endless? i don't want you to be so pretentious but i figured that out thanks to you. you know what? i asked you that because someone told me that you would leave me like you always do, and i didn't wanted to believe that. people can be so mean sometimes, darling, so mean"

your mind travels through your relationship. you still remember the 'if you need or wanna see me, better hurry, 'cause i'm leaving soon' message you sent to him after a heavy argument. after sending it, he was knocking your door. you both kiss and make up until the next morning. you never felt more secure than tangled around him.

you're so sorry you can't save yourself now.

you don't know how.

there's no way out but down.

"i remember when you tasted the salty tears on my cheek and when i told you that that's what a year-long headache does to you"

before you could keep on talking, you break into tears.

"i'm not okay, taeyong. i feel so scattered. and i don't want anyone saying i'm all that matters. eventually, everyone would leave me"

déjà vu.

you also remember when you fought over this.

"now, if you need or wanna see me, you'll not have to hurry, babe, 'cause i'm really leaving soon this time. god, i'm so sorry i can't save me when i promised you i would give fight to this. i just don't know how. i'm really sorry but there's no way out. there's no way out... but down. you'll have to walk alone now, honey, i'm so sorry i couldn't make it... i'm such an egoist person and i know it, babe"

the time is over.

you're bleeding and drowning.

but you're gone now.

and the only thing taeyong have from you is your last note.

no kisses, no hugs.

just you splashing his mind.

call my friends and tell them that i love them, but i'm not sorry.

or maybe just call my friends and tell them that i love them.

to anyone reading this, sorry.

[endearingjaemin]

you belong with me | LEE MARK

you're able to see mark from the view of your window, he's fighting, once again, with his girlfriend. he seems tired. she's upset, probably going off about what mark said at the school lunch. it was a joke, but she doesn't get his humor like you do. right now, you're in your room, a typical tuesday night happening above your being and listening to the kind of music she doesn't like. god, you don't even know what he's doing with her. she'll never know his story like you do.

"without even know her, i can tell all the differences between you and her"

"jaemin, what the fuck?"

after an entire night dreaming with you and mark holding hands and sharing looks, you were now at the bleachers, watching the cheerios practice while jaemin, your best friend, pests your head with comments on mark.

"number one: she wears short skirts, you wear t-shirts"

"that's a good one"

"number two: she's cheer captain, you're on the bleachers"

while jaemin keeps talking, you can't help yourself from traveling again through your thoughts, dreaming about the day when mark wakes up and finds that what he's looking for has been there the whole time. if only he could see that you're the one who understands him, that you've been there all along. why can't he see it? why can't he notice that he belongs with you and not her?

a couple days after, you both were enjoying a hang out together, walking in the street with him in his worn-out jeans. you can't help thinking this is how it ought to be - the two of you, together, laughing on a park bench. 'isn't this easy?', you think to yourself.

he got a smile that can light up the whole town, a smile that can turn your bad days into perfect ones, a smile able to fix all the evilness and hate on the world, a smile that you haven't seen in a while since she brought him down. and he say he's fine but, god, you know him better than that. what is he even doing with a girl like that? a person who loves you should let you be you, right? why is it different with her? does it hurt her to see mark's happiness?

and maybe she wears high heels when you wear sneakers, and maybe she's cheer captain while you're on the bleachers everyday and laughing with jaemin and your friends. but does that even matter? you love him more, you love him better, you love him good.

"i'm just...", you tell to seulgi, "i don't know. i just keep on dreaming with that day when mark finally notice that i've been here this whole time, that i'm able to love him differently, that i can show him a new type of love, that i'm the one who understands him. why can't he see it? am i that invisible, that unnoticeable?"

"of course you're not, (y/n), we all know you're not. you're so pretty and cute. i remember you standing by and waiting at his back door when he left doyoung's house crying and sobbing after a fight with his girlfriend. we all know he belongs with you, (y/n)"

that evening, mark was turning himself crazy. he fought again with her but that wasn't even important. for days, you couldn't leave his mind. what have you done to him? why does he wants to hold you in his arms and tell you that you mean the world to him? without thinking, he started driving to your house in the middle of the night.

when you open your door, you couldn't believe it.

"(y/n), i'm so sorry...", he starts, "i'm so sorry i couldn't notice earlier. but you're the one who makes laugh when i know i'm about to cry, and you know my favorite songs, and you're the only one i talked with about my dreams. i think i know where i belong. i think it's with you. you're the one who truly understands me, you've been here all along and i'm so sorry for telling you this now. i wasn't able to see it before, i'm really sorry, (y/n)"

for. goodness. sake.

"what about her?", you ask him after a long silence.

"i'm all over with her now, she's not part of my life from now on"

standing by and waiting at his back door has finally worth it.

maybe he couldn't know it before, but he does now.

he belongs with you.

"mark?"

"tell me, pretty"

"have you ever thought, just maybe, that you belong with me?"

lying on the floor, tangled in your arms and drunk from your kisses, mark laughed. he definitely belongs with you.

[endearingjaemin]

enough for you | LEE MARK

the five times mark realized that he wasn't enough for you

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐲

mark lee. the unattainable and incredible mark lee. the football team captain, the typical and cliché boy that dated the cheerios leader, the popular and untouchable mark lee. the shy mark lee that, somehow, ended up dating with you, an average girl unable to attract attention, to stand out from someone else. the same girl that started wearing make-up as soon as started dating mark, the same girl who wasn't like all the prom queens that her boyfriend loved before.

"mark, am i pretty today?"

the sunlight shined on your face, making you look like some kind of goddess. your pretty dress fitting perfectly all over your shape and your perfect hair that took away mark's breath. long short story, absolutely stunning. but he didn't had the guts to say it.

"you look... good", he said as his heart ran a race with his thoughts.

"just good?"

"i'm not the compliment type, actually. so, i don't really know"

that day, you felt a scratch in your being.

that day, mark thought that he wasn't enough for you.

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐞 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫

"so, you're literally calling me because you need help to order your girlfriend a goddamn coffee?"

"dude, just help me out"

he knew he should know you better. he knew he was making a mistake calling johnny. he knew that everything in that situation was wrong. but he couldn't help it. and the despair was killing him.

"how many times did (y/n) showed up with your favorite coffee? she didn't call me on any of those occasions, or any of your friends"

"i'm not for this. it's literally a thing as minimal as a fucking coffee, jonh, just help me out and let's over this stupid conversation"

"maybe it's just a minimal thing for you, mark. but she knows you like the fucking palm of her hand. mark, are you even sure that you're enough for her?"

that day, mark was a little more confident that he wasn't enough for you.

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐳𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚𝐬𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬

"i mean, that's basic"

"maybe it is for you but not everyone knows it"

a beautiful night with you and your friends as special stars. the eight girls that would hold your heart through storms and tides, the eight girls that would put their hands on fire for you and your happiness, the eight girls who hold your back. your backup team.

"(y/n), call mark and ask him your favorite song"

karina and irene were talking about relationships and how they work differently for each person. for them, you and mark were the steps to follow. for them, you were mark's person.

"why would i?"

"because karina said that a boyfriend should know even your playlist because it's a basic, but irene said that not every boyfriend knows that. the rest of us just wants to know. go ahead and call him. i bet that he definitely knows", ningning explained.

with shaky and insecure hands, you dialed mark's number.

"put him on speaker", giselle said.

"hello?", mark said as soon as he answered the call.

"hi, markie. um, this might be a very random question but... what my favorite song is?"

your friends could tell your sadness when mark didn't answer, but your hope and teary eyes wanted to wait a bit more for him to finally say something. and before you could ask if he was still on the call, he cut. cutting, at the same time, the edges of your heart.

that night, seulgi had to cheer you up to not cry.

that night, mark fell asleep with his mind screaming that he wasn't enough for you.

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟-𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬

"explain me again why are we here, please"

"you don't actually have to be here, yeri, i'm the one who's reading"

"and are you reading for the worth of someone?"

no matter how hard you try, yeri would never understand. you just wanted to be something for mark, someone he would be proud to show up at the would, someone smart and diligent, someone interesting to introduce to his family, someone to walk down the street holding hands, someone right for him, someone... worthy.

"reading makes you smart"

"but you are already smart, (y/n), what the hell are you doing with all this shit?"

and right behind the shelves, mark was hearing the whole words exchange, unable to understand how someone like you could still be with someone like him, someone... unworthy.

that day, the books' words kept telling him that he wasn't enough for you.

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝

"yuta came back from his japanese trip"

"cool"

your bones were freezing, your soul was dying. the only thing you wanted from mark was a hug, or a kiss, or a word. but any of that arrived. no hug envolving you, no kiss suffocating you, no words comforting you. you were a mess, a mental mess, a teary mess.

"i called him"

"what?"

"so he can join us. c'mon on, (y/n), he's one of my best friends"

"and i'm your girlfriend, mark. this was our date, no place for yuta or any of your friends. what, am i not that interesting for you? am i bored? yeah, maybe i don't have a whole japanese trip story to tell but this was supposed to be our time together. what are we even doing right now? what the heck is the fucking purpose of all this?"

before he could talk, the doorbell rang. now, it was a date for three.

that evening, mark could felt the eyes on him telling him that he wasn't enough for you.

"dear (y/n),

i know explicitly that this is not the way to end the things up. and i know explicitly that right now i'm acting like a coward. or maybe i'm not acting, maybe this is the way i have always been. and maybe this was our fate to fulfill. maybe we weren't meant to be.

this past months, you've shown me that your heart was truly committed into this relationship. this past months, i've provoked you nothing but tears and sadness. and i've knew it from way before, but... don't you think i'm not enough for you? 'cause i've saw you at the library reading all my self-help books so i think that you were smart, 'cause i couldn't tell you how pretty you are, 'cause i don't know what your favorite song is, 'cause i had to call johnny when you asked me for a coffee because i don't know your order, 'cause i left you in the exact moment i had the chance to. god, (y/n), you know me by heart. all you ever wanted was to be enough for me and i couldn't even reward you back. and i am so sorry. i'm sorry for not being able to protect your heart, i'm sorry for not being brave. and i know that you probably don't want my sympathy, but try to find yourself back. do not cry for me, you did nothing wrong. you're pretty, and smart, and so excited. i'm the one who couldn't take it, i'm the one who's not enough. but, maybe, if the life wanted so, we would see each other again. and, there, i would maybe be enough for you. stop trying so hard, (y/n), you're good being you"

"STUPID! EMOTIONAL! OBSESSIVE LITTLE ME!"

there you were, on the floor, heartbroken. you never wanted to believe yourself, but you knew from the start this is exactly how he'd leave. what was it? you weren't that interesting as the girls he had before?

god, he couldn't care less about someone who loved him more.

between joy's arms, you couldn't stop yourself from crying.

"hey, it's okay, just calm down"

"WHAT AM I NOW? i loved him too much that i feel used and discarded. do i deserve this? do i deserve nothing?"

"look at me", irene said, "you know what? he's gonna feel sorry for himself because, one day, you'll be everything to somebody else. and they'll think that you're so exciting, and they'll be able to tell you how wonderful you are, and he'll be the one crying. you wanted to be enough, right? well, he wasn't enough for you. you're so much for him to take, you know that? we're here, (y/n), let the shit get out of your soul. we got you"

later on, you realized that wearing make-up for someone wasn't the key, you realized that trying so hard was meaningless, that reading was a self-pleasure, that you were actually smart, that the compliment type do exists, that you are interesting. that you were enough. and maybe someone broke much more than just your heart, but now you were the one smiling. and, far away, mark was the one crying.

[endearingjaemin]

wildest dreams | LEE DONGHYUCK

"let's get out of this town"

you look at him, tangled in his arms, enjoying the only moments in your life where you can be you. his eyes are covered by that unique shine, the one that you admire and love. somehow, you get lost in them every time, even after a year of the adventure that started as a drunk night.

"drive out of the city, away from the crowds"

you can't. you know it and he knows it too. nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take you down.

heaven can't help you now.

"hyuck, you know how this works"

he does. but it was inevitable for him to think for at least a minute that you were not you and he was not him, that you both were only normal people who were in love, normal people who weren't doomed by their families and futures. he knows, as well, that you didn't ask for the life that was given to you, neither did him.

"i know it, babe. but have you ever think on how our lifes would be being free? without strings attached to us"

oh, lord knows you did. your only dream in this life was to spend the rest of your existence by his side.

but, again, you can't. even if he's so tall and handsome as hell, he's so bad for you, but he does it so well. slowly, you can see the end as it begins.

"donghyuck, even if we want to, we can't. we have a purpose in this life, our parents brought us to the world for something. we can't do anything against it"

and as you talk, he can hear the breaking of his heart. from your place, you can feel the collapse of his being. your worst nightmare has become true, the moment that you were afraid of has come.

in slow motion, he unwrapp his arms from you.

"i guess that's how it is", he said.

"hyuck, baby, please. don't do this to me"

"no, you don't this to me. you promised me that we would be together forever, why are you doing this? why did you even say what you said? do i mean this to you? am i this for you?"

"you know you're not"

why were you doing this? why did you say what you said?

he couldn't know it, not now.

"you mean the world to me. you are the only person that let me be me. you are my home, hyuck, and you never leave home"

"but you're leaving me, how funny of you"

"i could never, hyuck"

that night, you transmitted your love to him in every single way.

"hyuck, do you remember that night when you propose me to escape?", you ask while you're laying on his bared chest.

"that night when we made love until morning?"

you laugh, his kisses flooding your thoughts, his hands running through each summit in your body, his love exploding your heart.

"i have a condition for it, darling"

"i'm all ears"

you slowly go over your words, fearing that, somehow, it'll be too much.

"say you'll remember me, hyuck, standing in that nice dress lilac of mine, staring at the sunset while i'm between your arms, with my red lips and that rosy cheeks i know you love that much. say you'll see me if this goes wrong, hyuck, say that you'll find your way back to me, honey, even if it's just in your wildest dreams. i beg you"

he wipes away the tears you didn't realize were going through your eyes. and that was the moment he found out there was no way out of you and your love. he was yours, and you were his.

with his hands in your hair, his clothes in your room, you say: "no one has to know what we do, what we're going to do"

"i promise, honey, today and always"

his voice is such a familiar sound to you, like if you've been together for more lifes that you're able to count. and you know nothing lasts forever, but this is getting good now.

"it is that also your request for when we have our very last kiss?"

he will agree no matter what. his dream, his incredible dream. remember you standing in that nice lilac dress that he gave you on your birthday, that one that also put you in trouble in the moment your parents saw it, remember you staring at the sunset after one of your night dates with that red lips with the smared lipstick, product of hours sharing kisses, and remember you with that rosy cheeks that occupy space in your face with the blush that is accompanied by his admiration words. he will always say that he will see you again, even in his wildest dreams, because he malfunction when he's apart from you, because you are his reason, his rock, because he will live and die for you and only you.

"i guess it is", you say after minutes of silence. "it's funny, you know? everyone would used to see me in riding class, or ballet, or maybe meeting a new suitor who would promise me the whole world. not anymore, now everyone would see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night, burning it all down. and, someday, if we ever leave each other, i bet these memories will follow us around"

"but i will say that i remember you standing in a nice dress, and staring at the sunset with that red lips and rosy cheeks of you that i'm so addicted to. i will say that i will see you again, even if we're just in a pretend, even if it's just in my wildest dreams. because i love you like i know i would never love anyone, because you're the one i want to create my future with, because i'm never gonna be as happy as i am when i'm with you. because you're my biggest and wildest dream. even dead, i will still love you and live for you"