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i had a dream that time travel was invented and too many people choose to travel back in time to save the titanic from sinking (the question of whether unsinking of the titanic deserved so much attention in the face of human history was the subject of both heavy academic and online discourse), which caused a rift in the space-time-continuum that led to the titanic showing up indiscriminately all over the world’s oceans and sea in various states of sinking.

this caused a lot of issues both in terms of fixing said space-time-continuum and in terms of nautical navigation, and after a long and heavy battle in the international maritime organization it was decided that the bureaucratic burden of dealing with this was to be upon Ireland, much to their dismay. the Irish Government then released an app for all sailors and seafarers so they could report titanic sightings during their journeys, even though they heavily dissuaded you from reporting them given the paperwork it caused.

anyway i woke up with a clear image of the app in my head and needed to recreate it for all of you:

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y'know the idea of personifying a country brings with it a mountain of complicated historical and ethnic baggage, brings into sharp relief the construction of national mythologies as viewed from without and within, raises questions as to what degree a nation can be considered a single entity--hetalia deftly avoids coming under this sort of scrutiny by eclipsing it all with a premise that ensures that the only reasonable response to being told it is simply "IT'S ABOUT FUCKING WHO????"

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coworker: hey you should come look at the results of a ph test for a customer’s water

me: I’m king of busy rn

coworker: no really just come here

the ph test:

my honest reaction:

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07/29

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I was getting worried for my elderly cat who was sleeping a lot today. And then realized I'M usually asleep at this hour too. She sleeps this much every day Im just also asleep usually, nothing to worry about.

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saint from the back

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Music my dad wrote when he was in college

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alright friends. you have to rename yourself using the NATO phonetic alphabet. which one are you choosing?

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Meanwhile, in Finland.

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i will literally get obsessed with whatever

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"I heard the Space Station is all fucked up," I expressed to the astounded astronauts, who were expecting someone a little more accomplished to be the one who just stepped through the airlock.

That's the thing about outward appearances: they can be deceiving. On the outside, I looked like any other government astronaut heading up for an intense week of sciencing. Visor up, though? Now they could see the beef jerky particles floating around in my helmet. Well, to be more correct, it was a Slim Jim. Those are a little safer because they break into big chunks, every astronaut knows this. Let me start over.

As for the space station, it's true. For weeks, the news had been playing a story about how it's leaking a whole bunch of oxygen and soon is going to be rammed into by billionaires. Immediately, my ears perked up. Broken government property? Given away real cheap? Garbage? These are things I can fix, so I decided to help myself to a space shuttle and head on up there. I didn't do anything fancy: they left the keys in it.

At first, the astronauts, with all their book-learnin', had a lot of reservations about letting someone who was obviously a dumbass fuck around with their precarious, life-and-death environment. Any minor error could mean the demise of all of us, the end of a glorious era of human achievement. Luckily, I was not trained to make errors: I was not trained at all. They led me to the leak. Seen this kind of thing before. Micro-fractures in the hull from cornering too hard. When you're going twenty-eight thousand kilometers an hour around the Earth for years on end, that kind of thing adds up, any teenaged drifter can tell you that.

A little bit of spray-on expanding foam insulation and a whole lot of duct tape buttoned the whole mess up. I had an invoice in their hands and was on the shuttle back before they could ask: "hey, I thought the space shuttle couldn't dock here?" In my defence, Senator, I never said I was good at parking, or that I wouldn't create additional leaks.

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This month's word is lemniscate

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this is superior humor

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have you touched a shark?

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