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emyume · 2 days ago

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La Douleur Exquise

Summary:

After years of unrequited feelings for her best friend, Mikasa decides that it’s time to move on permanently if her dreams of being a wife and mother are ever to be realized. Eren, her best friend, has a few things to say about this new status quo and nothing loosens the tongue like a bit (a lot) of alcohol. Perhaps, Mikasa will achieve one of her dreams sooner than expected.

Explicit | 18+/NSFW | WC: 24,831 | Mildly Dubious Consent

Read on AO3

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As the door clicked shut behind her, Mikasa felt her muscles give way, her back, slumping against the solid surface as her fingers fumbled behind her to turn the locks back in place for the night. For long seconds, she couldn’t bring herself to move. She couldn’t find the energy to push off the solid surface supporting her weight and let some light into her darkened apartment.

Right. It wouldn’t matter if the lights were on or off, the place would still be empty, devoid of any life, but her own, a reminder of just how single she was, and just how spectacularly her vision for the future was fizzling out just like her abysmal dating life. Disappointment was something Mikasa should be used to by this point, yet her heart sank impossibly lower when what she already knew was proven true by the lights flicking on to reveal a starkly empty living room.

The weariness that pervaded her body seemed to roll off her in waves, covering the room as she trekked through the small space, not bothering to make it to the bedroom before kicking off her heels. Putting them on had been a waste just like wearing this dress that showed much more cleavage than she would’ve on any regular date which was even worse than the effort put into her hair and makeup.

This was date five! Date seven with Kevin. It was supposed to be special, magical, maybe even resulting in her getting laid because how many guys could she’d say she’d been on five dates within the past six years? None. Absolutely none. Don’t get her wrong. It wasn’t that she needed to make it to date number five to sleep with a guy. If that were the case, at the ripe age of 27, her V–card would still be very much intact.

Not that there was anything wrong with that. Mikasa wouldn’t have minded at all, especially given how shitty her first time was, but the fact remained that she’d given up her chastity as an idiotic response to knowing someone else had not only thrown away their own with no caution but was taking their time to give everyone except her a taste of his wild oats.

It was embarrassing. Humiliating even.

Date after date after date and none of them interested her or stuck around past outing two or three. And of course she didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, just like she didn’t want her time wasted, but Mikasa knew what other people said about her, hell her friends, however kind they thought that they were being, said it to her face on many occasions. From that terrible first experience with sex at nineteen to every ‘missed opportunity’ and crappy date in between, they all expressed their concerns like she didn’t know she had a problem.

All the issues in her love life lead back to Eren Yeager, the one who was supposed to be one of her best, if not, her best friend for whom, despite Mikasa’s best efforts, she continued to hold a flame for after being utterly rejected by him years ago. Yes, ninth grade was eons ago by this point, but it still stood that he would rather remain friends than jeopardize their relationship in case things went sour. What they had was something he couldn’t mess up.

The sincere sentiments both shattered her teenage heart and lifted it higher than she ever thought it could go. Even if he didn’t return her feelings, Eren valued her. She was so important to him that he couldn’t risk them breaking apart. For a long time, those words, shown and expressed through their time together, made being by his side enough. Even though she wilted a little with every girl he dated or slept with that wasn’t her, it was enough for Mikasa until she looked up at her own life one day and realized enough wasn’t going to cut it.

Would she ever confess to Eren again? No. That ship had sailed. Not once in the thirteen years since had it indicted turning back to the harbor. Now more than ever, she was actively trying to move on from him. Her biological clock was ticking and if she wanted to be married, wanted to be a mother by the time thirty came around, she had to get serious. Getting serious meant putting in more effort. It meant meeting more guys, going on more dates hoping someone would finally stick, and seeing less of Eren.

As Mikasa vigorously scrubbed makeup from her face, she could still feel his presence as if he were still leaning against the far side of the counter, arms folded tight, brow creased and folded down in agitation. In displeasure at her. She should’ve known that the night was doomed from the start. Eren hadn’t taken it well that she was seeing less of him. His specific words?

“So I don’t count for shit anymore? I always make time for you but you’re too busy throwing yourself at every guy that spares you a glance?” Eyeliner froze inches from her face. Wide, gray eyes inched the direction of his reflection. “Come on, Mikasa. You’re not desperate.” If the words had come from literally anyone else, perhaps they would have felt less piercing. Perhaps she could have said that exploring her options didn’t make her desperate even if she decided to do so because the feeling that she was going to be alone, stuck in this place for the rest of her life was starting to suffocate her in a slow death that had the beginnings of inevitability.

“My going out with Kevin has nothing to do with you.”

“Clearly.”

“I just mean don’t take it so personally. I’m not missing the party because I don’t want to hang out with everyone. I’d rather spend the evening with him tonight since he asked. I’m not going and that’s final,” she finished, the words firm, but her low volume weakening its effect.

“Bring him to the party then. That solves everything. Evening with him, hanging out with everyone, me not taking it so personally.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a date.”

“You can’t have a date at a party?”

“No.”

“Sounds crazy to me.” The bite to his tone was not to be missed.

“It’s crazy to want to be alone on a date?”

“Alone.”

“Yes, Eren. Alone. I want to be alone with Kevin so we can talk and continue getting to know each other, not with a bunch of strangers or our friends falling drunk all over us in a crowded room with loud music and shitty drinks. We’re getting too old for all that anyway.”

“You were down for drunk friends, loud music, and shitty drinks before Kevin asked you out tonight. Now you’re too good for them? You’re suddenly too mature to hang?”

“That’s not what –

“What you meant. Right. Yeah. Sure. Say what you mean, then, Mikasa. Just say what you want to say and stop making shit up.” Her fingers paused their unscrewing of the cap off the mascara tube, everything going quiet for a long moment before she finally decided to set it down and turn to face Eren. It wasn’t often that they fought or disagreed on something, let alone so much that it caused a rift between them, but when it did, facing him was always difficult because he would get like this.

First, there was the denial phase where he flat out refused to accept something he didn’t like or agree with. Even though she’d talked to him yesterday to make sure he knew her change of plans, he was still here as if she hadn’t. Then came the arguments if neither of them folded first and rarely was Eren going to fold. Even rarer would it be if he did first.

After the arguing, things would normally turn out fine. It didn’t always, but it normally did. Somehow, someway, things managed to be conveyed in a way that the other could understand what they were feeling or thinking and that’s, of course, what Mikasa wanted to happen this time too; first, she needed to get to the bottom of what the issue was. Kevin would be here soon, and she really didn’t need them to meet yet, especially with the hostility Eren was displaying towards her for dating him. Taking a deep breath to calm the nerves his demeanor set to fray, Mikasa asked the question she thought could put this all to rest.

“Eren, please help me understand the problem here. What does it matter or not if I go to a stu – to a party with everyone when I could see you and them at any time? When I can pick up the phone and send a text or call? What is happening at this party that is so important that I need to be there?”

“The problem is that you’re acting brand new! This guy has been around, what, a month, and – and suddenly every time I call you, you either have him on the other line or you hang up with me as soon as he calls. Any time we talk about getting together or going out or just getting something to eat, it’s always Kevin is on the other line, Kevin and I were thinking about meeting that day, oh, their food is good, maybe I can take Kevin there. It’s always Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. You don’t think it’s crazy that you’ve only known this asshole for a short while but it’s this easy for you to push m – everyone else aside for him? This isn’t you, Mika.”

The more he spoke, the further the corners of her lips turned down, her emotions at odds with the surprise she felt at how…normal she sounded, how hung up she sounded over someone that wasn’t him even if it wasn’t exactly the truth and the perturbation at his assuredness that it was so unusual and “wasn’t her.”

“Why isn’t it me? Why can’t it be me?” At the time of asking, Mikasa genuinely wanted to know. Insidious thoughts whispered it was because he knew. He knew the truth of her deep feelings and was so sure that no one else would ever come close. Being with guys other than him with thoughts of the future “wasn’t her” and he wanted to make sure she knew it.

Rationally, she knew Eren would never be so cruel as to throw her feelings back in her face like this even if he did know they continued to burn for him, but it seemed that every word he said was aimed to stab at the insecurities surrounding her heart.

“What do you mean why isn’t it you? Because it isn’t!” Everyone always had something to say about these things except him. Normally, his place as a safe haven overshadowed the complicated status his presence brought to her life but at that moment…all she could see was all that she couldn’t have, all that Eren represented.

Mikasa felt like her heart might shatter staring at him under the vanity lights.

“Because you say so? Because you know me so well?”

“What are you talking about? Of course, I know you. I know you better than anyone, better than Armin, better than Sasha. I know you, Mikasa, so I can say that he’s making you different.”

“Maybe, you don’t know me. Maybe, you haven’t for a long time.” Eren flinched as if she’d physically hit him, and the shards of her heart tickled onto the bathroom tile.

Her bare feet bled on the shards as she abandoned the bathroom, unable to bear reliving the moment she realized she and him just might’ve outgrown each other. Yet it followed her into the bedroom, the slack-jawed look he fixed her with before his features twisted hanging over her head while she grabbed the first t-shirt her hand touched and slipped it on her body, the material as cool as the ice in her veins. She’d been cold since his fury that normally burned blisteringly hot gusted over her like the arctic winds of a tundra.

“So is it Kevin who knows you best now?” he spat out, voice low and tight and angry.

“Eren –

“No, it must be Kevin who you’re suddenly so in love with, right? You think you’re in love with him?” She wondered if he wanted to tack ‘more than me’ to the end of the question. Instead of asking, though, she said the wrong thing. Again.

“You should get going. You don’t want to be late, and I need to finish getting ready. He’ll be here soon.”

“So you do think you love him.” Even now staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom, Mikasa couldn’t quite place the tone of his voice. At the time, she was eager to get out of the situation, completely giving up on any sort of resolution, eager to put space between them, so she no longer had to think and analyze every single thing that he said, so she didn’t have to wonder what it meant for him to say that she thought she was in love with Kevin, even though she knew it wasn’t the truth. He just wouldn’t give up. He just wouldn’t let it go. Any other time she might’ve held such facts, such behavior close to her heart to dwell on when she was alone, to contemplate the possible meaning, to make herself feel special. Crumbs, she had been living on crumbs and now all she felt was cold.

Instead, Mikasa of the past quietly resumed her task of fanning out her eyelashes with midnight-colored mascara while Mikasa of the present wallowed in the truth that was finally said, finally laid there for both of them to clearly see with no rose-tinted glasses on, no other opinions, none of her feelings. They…needed boundaries…so she could accept those truths.

“Mikasa, you can’t love someone after knowing them a month.”

“I’ve known him over two months.” What else was she supposed to say? Apparently, nothing else mattered, and she was eager to get out of this, to get away.

“That’s not the fucking point!” She wanted to scream at him, demand to know what the point was. What was the point of all this? The whole time he kept pointing out how she was making mistakes, how she was making problems, yet at the root of it all was that he was the one upset and would not clearly say why. The more he spoke, the more jabs he took at her, the more he pushed and prodded and poked. Nothing she said would be good enough, and it would only hurt her more in the long run, so instead, she continued her task, calmly, methodically, ignoring the slight shaking of her fingers.

“Okay.”

“Okay? Okay?! Are you even listening to me?”

“Yes. You should go to the party and cool off. If this is really bothering you, we can talk about it in a few days.”

“A few – …right, he’ll be here soon, so you want to get rid of me. So you two can be alone. Kick me out the door just so you fuck him.”

“Eren!”

“You’ve gotten to know each other so deeply, yeah? But I think the only thing you’ve gotten deeply from him is some dick and now you think –

“That’s enough!” The tube of mascara slammed onto the counter underneath her palm as she wheeled around to meet him head-on.

“Is it? Did he tell you he loved you while or after he came in the rubber or were you gross enough to let him hit raw and he did it on your back instead? You should be concerned if that’s the case –

“Who I do and do not sleep with is none of your business!”

“It is when –

“IT IS NOT! At all! Period! You are not my father. You are not my boyfriend or lover or even an ex. You are a friend who, at the end of the day, has zero say in what I do with my life or my time because it’s mine, not yours! Being friends doesn’t mean you own me or we owe each other things, it means supporting one another and you have been anything but that since the very beginning of this.”

“Put whatever fucking label on me that you want. I don’t care. I’ll support you when it’s necessary and protect you when it’s necessary.”

“Protecting me from what? Choosing to go out with a perfectly nice guy who treats me well?!”

“From feeling like having a perfectly nice guy who probably only treats you well because it’s still the beginning means you have to become something you’re not.”

“And what am I not? Someone dateable? Girlfriend material? Wife material?” He would know all about it wouldn’t he? He didn’t think she was any of those things if the string of women he gave his time to was any measure to go by.

“Wife material?”

“Yes! Have you ever stopped to consider that I want this? Whether it’s love or not, that maybe I hope one day it could be, that I want someone to love — be in love with me the way I could be with them? That maybe I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines? That maybe I want things for myself besides Pad Tai on my couch every weekend or planning the next party?”

“You love those things.”

“No, you love those things, and not once have I minded them because you love them, but come on Eren, you can’t expect things like that to last forever. We…we’re not kids anymore. We’re getting older and that means things and people change. It’s not like I’m cutting you off or replacing you. You’re just…my friend and now I want more than a friend. I have desires of my own and going out with Kevin tonight is one of them. I want this and nothing you say will change that.”

Thinking back, Mikasa wondered if she should have tried harder to keep herself in check, to keep her emotions at bay, to keep her cards hidden against her chest, and to remain calm until he finally decided to leave. She wondered about the relief she felt in finally voicing those things to him after worrying that they might make her love for him an awkward space between them; but, perhaps, however, painful as it was, she wanted something to herself, to be free of him, even if it technically involved him. Or maybe, it was that she knew, deep down, that Eren wouldn’t understand.

Even though he went through plenty of girls, saying that it wasn’t serious, that they were just talking, that he just quickly knew that they weren’t the ones for him, he wouldn’t understand her. So maybe it was for the best when he resolutely nodded and gave his parting words before brushing past her and eventually slamming the door on the way out.

“I guess I don’t know you anymore. Whoever this is, I don’t want to know them.”

Even if it was for the best, it didn’t hurt any less. She didn’t know how long she stood there, staring at the space he had occupied until an insistent, wrapping on the front door, broke her revere. It was so stupid that for whatever reason she thought Eren had come back, but it was Kevin, his face falling at the expression on her own.

It took thirty minutes to fix her makeup again, for a night over before it began. Mikasa couldn’t focus. She couldn’t be present. She couldn’t hear the things that Kevin said to her. She couldn’t hear the questions that he asked. She couldn’t see where he was taking her. She couldn’t taste the food they ate. All she could think about was Eren. He was the only thing she could ever think about.

Mikasa really hated herself, especially when Kevin, who was so nice and so patient finally put his foot down and demanded to know what was going on. What did she tell him? She needed space. Everyone knew what that meant. Why couldn’t Eren insist like Kevin that he thought things were going well and that he saw potential in the being together? Why couldn’t Eren insist that he could be very good for her, that they could be good together? Why didn’t he try to hold on like Kevin instead of just walking out the door, wishing to not know her anymore?

The telltale prickle of tears had her shooting up from bed and storming to the kitchen. What was the point of crying again? What more could she mourn? Why couldn’t she let him go? He wanted nothing to do with her after all. He never said that before; he’d never looked at her so coldly; he’d never broken her heart like this. What was she going to do? How was she going to fix this? It was ironic that this was what she had wanted, space and boundaries between them, just not like this.

There was nothing hard in the liquor cabinet. Just wine for when the girls came over, or for when she wanted to have a glass in the evening. She always insisted that if they wanted something harder, they could go out for that. Would she feel better if she drank a whole bottle? Would that make the pain go away? Would it make the knowledge that she just couldn’t and would not win in this life more acceptable? Would it make her realize why she had to want the one guy who never wanted her?

After months, no years, of being on this emotional roller coaster, of feeling all this turmoil, of weathering the storms and downpours, she just wanted it to stop. For once, Mikasa wanted it all to go away, wanted to be numb instead of pushing through it because it meant that she was alive and could still feel after being rejected and constantly rejecting others. What was one night of risking alcohol poisoning? There was no one here to see just how far she had fallen, to see how pathetic a person she truly was.

An uncaring hand swiped up the first bottle. It landed on the counter, while the other pulled open one drawer, and then another, and then another. Where was the damn bottle opener? God, did even the bottle opener want to avoid her now? Mikasa slammed another drawer close. Was she really that unworthy?

Could she really not be seen as something different than what she was, like dating material, girlfriend material, wife material, or mother material? Was it that damn impossible? Slamming the bottle down so hard it cracked, Mikasa stalked into the living room, knowing the layout well enough that her blurred vision was not hindered from snatching up her keys from their designated bowl. She was going to get that damn thing open some way.

Unfortunately, the wine wanted nothing to do with her either, the dark liquid efficiently escaping its confines to stain the counter and stream down the face of the cabinets until it was spilling out over the tile and seeping into the grout. Was it so much to ask to wallow in her despair for one night? Mikasa had half a mind to leave it there. The other half could only watch in abjection as the stream followed a singular path along its escape route.

What was even the point of all this? Why couldn’t one thing go right? One thing! All she needed was this one thing! Why couldn’t she have just one single thing she wanted?

In a fit of frustration, she swiped the bottle back up, intent on throwing it, but a misstep and the liquid on the floor caused her to miss, the bottle shattering on the edge of the counter. The mess seemed to happen both in real time and slow motion, glass tickling to the floor, counter, and sink, wine exploding to coat and speckle every surface it could reach, Mikasa’s knees giving way as she was no longer able to stop the sobs that grappled up from within.

Wondering why wasn’t an option anymore. For once she couldn’t pick herself up and go on. She couldn’t tell herself it was going to be all right. She couldn’t make herself just accept it. She couldn’t comfort herself with the fact that they would still have each other, that they would always be by each other’s sides, that they would get past this. They had never been here before. This was different. It felt different. She felt like an idiot and in that idiocy came inferiority and anguish. Fixing herself had apparently never been achievable, how could she fix them?

There would be no wine to drown herself in, so perhaps her tears would suffice. Alone is what she was, and alone is what she always would be at this point. Perhaps it was something to be accepted. At least, there was no one else there to see her crumpled on the floor, no one to witness her hands falling limp in her lap to be splattered with hot tears. The silence kept her company, broken by nothing but the wailing, hyperventilating making it so hard to breathe.

It was a wonder she heard anyone at the door, but a dull thud broke her from her grief, crying becoming confused sniffles as the noise continued. Fumbling. Jingling. Someone was outside her apartment. Perhaps if she’d had her wits about her, she would’ve thought about how late it was that someone was there, the wherewithal to be alarmed that someone was clearly trying to get in; but without thought, Mikasa stood to pad to the living room, intent on finding out what – who the noise originated from. The doorknob jiggling more was accompanied by what sounded like curses and she pressed her face to the peephole, retracting to wipe her eyes, then looking again.

Before her thoughts caught up with her, the door was being wrenched open so hard it nearly threw off her balance, but it didn’t matter. She didn’t care because –

“Eren!” His name tumbled from her mouth, hoarse, gasped, full of breathy astonishment. In his now frozen hand were a set of keys. Despite how much he came over, she forgot he could get in on his own. Why was he trying to get in on his own currently? She thought he –

“What’re you doin’ here?” His brow furrowed in confusion and her nose wrinkled at the staleness of alcohol that coated the question. How much had he had?

“I…live here?” Confusion marred his features. He couldn’t be that drunk, could he?

“Yeah, but you’re supposed to be – is he in there?” Without waiting for an answer, Eren barged in, leaving her to stumble out of the way of his heavy footsteps, bewilderment morphing her wet face.

“Is who here?” Quickly closing the door and clicking the locks, Mikasa hurried after him, seeing him enter the guest bedroom before quickly stomping towards her own. “Who are you looking for, Eren?” Running into his back as he stopped short, she grabbed onto him to keep from falling but barely had enough time to orient herself before he was whipping around again, his eyes hazy but focused on her. She was suddenly all too aware of what she must look like. No one was supposed to see her like this, least of all him.

“Aren’t you s’pose to be out with whatever the fuck his name is? The one you ditched me for?” Oh. That’s who he was looking for. Was that really what he’d come for? To speak with Kevin? No…he was surprised that she was here. Did he intend to come wait for her to come back home? Did he really not hate her?

“He’s not here, Eren.” Green eyes roved her several times over as if wondering if she could be believed, could be trusted. Would he get angry again? Would he start throwing out more words that she just couldn’t take anymore? The thought made her chest cease painfully. Her lips opened, brain trying to figure out what jumble to spew out to keep that from happening, but he beat her to the punch.

“You’re wearing my shirt.”

“H-huh?”

“My shirt. That’s my shirt you have on.” Glancing down at herself proved him to be right. Of all the things to pull out, it had to be something of his. While it was ironic, it certainly wasn’t surprising. He had clothing here just like she had clothes at his place. It hadn’t crossed her mind that they would have to return each other’s things. She couldn’t control how her face fell.

“I’ll change. Just let me wa –

“Don’t.” Saucer-wide eyes darted back up.

“What?”

“Leave it on…like when you wear my stuff.” Mikasa could feel her cheeks warming under Eren’s roving gaze, her mouth dropping when his fingers tugged at the hem that fell just above the middle of her thighs.

“Uh – uhm – what are you doing here,” she stuttered out, eager to change the subject again and stop her stupid heart, that would never learn, from fluttering. It didn’t mean anything. It never meant anything.

“You’ve been crying.” Now he noticed? Swiping the remnants of wetness from her face, she turned her back to him.

“I’m fine. Come drink some water. You can sleep in the guest bedroom.” His footsteps didn’t follow hers.

“Did he make you cry?” The brimming rage in the question was unmistakable.

“No! No. He didn’t. Don’t worry about it. Come on.” He was here. Whatever the reason was, he was here, and she didn’t want to fight again. Without looking at him, she reached back and grabbed his wrist, trying to pull him along in spite of his resistance.

“So, it was me.” It seemed he wasn’t asking.

“It doesn’t matter, Eren.”

“I didn’t mean to make you cry.” She didn’t know what to say to that.

“Please come drink some water. It will make you feel better in the morning. I’ll give you some painkillers too for the hang…over…” Just that fast she’d forgotten the mess in the kitchen. There’s no way she would make it to the sink barefoot. “Hold on. Let me go put my slippers on.”

“What happened?” Heat surged into her already blotchy cheeks.

“Uh – uhm – just an accident. I was cleaning it up when I heard you outside. Let me –

“No, I can get it.” Before she could answer, he ambled to where the cups were kept, his uneven gait crunching glass underneath. “You’re always so caring, always taking care of me. Do you…not want to take care of each other anymore?” The sound of the faucet turning on filled the silence, as she tried to figure out what he meant with the slowly built sentences.

“We’ll always take care of each other.” Water slashed out the glass as he shook his head before wincing, a hand grasping the counter to catch his swaying form.

“You want to take care of someone else now.”

“Eren, what are you walking about?” He shook his head again, walking over more glass to make his way back to her side, but not before removing his shoes once out of the danger zone. His presence leaning on the island next to her was both familiar and foreign. Was it because of earlier or because she couldn’t quite pinpoint the origins of this…whatever this mood in his drunken state? Mikasa was suddenly reminded of how exhausted she was, but she listened anyway as he stared into the full glass.

“Remember how you used to patch me up after getting into fights with those guys who used to pick on ‘Min? You started carrying band-aids around with you and cream just to make sure the both of us were all right. And – and you always give me the little cute ones because you wanted me to be embarrassed enough to stop fighting but the truth…the truth was that I felt special that you had them sp – specifically for me.”

“I remember.” When did he become a nostalgic drunk? Was it because he was still thinking of how different he now supposedly thought she was? “Drink your water.” He obediently took a single sip.

“I liked that it was sp – specially for me because it seemed like you cared about everyone the same. Sasha and Connie with their hap – haf – haph – random incidents, Hisu with those assholes that used to throw rocks, random street cats, even your little baby dolls when you made me play house with you…J knew you first so I wanted to be the one you cared about most, but I didn’t mind the dolls. They weren’t real, but you want a real one now, right?”

He never stopped surprising her. Never. She listened to his ramblings with forced apathy, wishing that the night would end just so a new day would come, just so they could talk tomorrow and she could know for sure if he really wanted to be there, if he still wanted her in his life and hadn’t wandered back her way in a drunken stupor because he was used to being at her place. Then he went and said that.

“E – Excuse me.” The panic was fully undisguised.

“You want a baby,” he replied matter-of-factly, gaze now on her instead of the water he still hadn’t drank.

“Where did you hear that? Who told you that,” she whispered. He had been to a party with all their friends present, which could only mean that Sasha must’ve run her mouth. God, she couldn’t shut up when she had liquor in her. Was she the one that said something? Did she tell him? If not her then Hisu? Or Pieck? How did he know?

“You would look so pretty with a baby in you.” Mikasa’s racing thoughts came to an extremely abrupt halt, the words said so softly, and fondly quickly playing back in her mind. Yet, she was still unsure if she heard them correctly. “Is that why you keep going out with so many guys lately? Is that why you don’t have time for me anymore? Because you want a baby?”

“N – no!” Why was this happening? Why was he suddenly talking about this? What brought this on? What would make him say something like that?

“You said you wanted to go out on dates and be someone’s girlfriend. Be wife material. You want that Keith guy to wife you and give you a baby.”

“That’s not it at all.”

“Then what’s the reason? Why else would you want to add someone new to your life?!” She couldn’t answer that with the truth, but she could clumsily deflect.

“Do you go out with other girls with the express purpose of adding someone new to your life or wanting to have a ch -child? You go on plenty of dates! Girls ask you out all the time! What’s the difference between your case and mine?”

“The difference is that I didn’t want any of them, Mikasa!” he exploded. “I never wanted anyone else…even if I realized it too late.” Gray eyes blinked up into the green ones that bore in them. Eren’s expression didn’t waver for a long minute. It took much too long for her to realize that he was serious.

That couldn’t mean what she thought it meant, could it? After all this time…could it really be? Wonder bloomed over her features as hope unfurled over every negative emotion that stewed from the entire night. It shriveled just as quickly upon remembering that he was heavily intoxicated. This wasn’t a conversation they should be having. It was likely one that wouldn’t happen in any other situation. How could she still find hope despite all that had happened? She really was a fool.

“It’s late, Eren. The sooner you get to bed, the better you’ll feel in the morning. Go get ready to sleep in the spare bedroom while I get the aspirin from the bathroom.” Making to leave, to escape with something – anything left of herself, Mikasa turned on her heel, going to do exactly as she said, when he did the unthinkable. Without warning, his chest pressed against her back, face hidden within the groove of her neck, arms securely wrapped around her waist. She had no choice but to move with him as he pulled her back to the counter. “Eren, what are you –

“Stop going out with other guys, Mikasa.” Heart thudding so loudly in her chest, she idly wondered if he could hear it over her lack of breathing, lack of words. Her brain scrambled trying to think of something to do, something to say as he held her in such a way, palms pressed securely over her tummy, that she never thought he’d ever contemplated. Then Eren ventured even further into the realm of the unthinkable when his lips, warm and moist and slightly chapped, pressed softly but assuredly against the cool skin between her neck and shoulder.

The shiver that ran up her spine came as a complete shock to Mikasa.

“No one else has ever mattered to me like you do. No one I’ve ever dated or –or – or s - slept with or – or even could’ve been attracted to compares to youu.” For the first time that evening, something akin to warmth broke into her body. He kissed her again and her hands came to grip the counter in reflex, mind still not giving any orders or instruction.

What was she to do? What was she to do? What was she to do? He didn’t stop at a single kiss this time, no longer testing the waters but kissing intimately, with intent. How could her head not tilt to give him room to get to know the sensitive spots along her neck?

“I could give you a baby.” Her deepest desire, whispered so sinuously on the wisps of warm breath along the shell of her ear was both a beseech to leave her mind vacant and let this happen as well as a wakeup call.

“We…we shouldn’t be doing this.” He was drunk. She could so clearly tell by the smell on his breath, his behavior, his candid words, but ever since they were kids playing house just like he mentioned, those baby dolls she gave so much care to weren’t just toys to her. Even back then, despite not fully knowing what it meant, Mikasa wanted to hold a little baby in her arms that was both his and hers. She’d wanted to be his.

“Let me put a baby in you, Mikasa,” was his answer along with his large palms starting to move, one gripping firmly at her hip while the other felt along her rib cage. While it was never exactly clear as to who or how many had gotten to have him, she desperately wanted to be on that list. Only in the dead of night, when she was home alone, and had the taste of liquor on her lips, did she allow herself to imagine what it would be like. Only then, would her inhibitions be lowered enough to allow her fingers to sneak between her legs and find the rosebud hidden in between; the images of him, and her, and them together, unfolding, flipping like the pages of a well-worn storybook.

Mikasa knew it was gross and perverted of her to touch herself, orgasming so quickly to visions of her best friend rutting himself into her body, but through her own experiences and the glimpses she’d seen of him, she couldn’t help but want it, want him that way. It was a yearning that had made itself known when she was just barely old enough to know what sex was and had grown deeper the farther she got into womanhood. This, right here, had been so far from her reach, tonight flinging out the furthest it had ever been and now it was the closest it would ever be.

Right here and now, everything that Mikasa wanted in her short life, she could have. Sure, Eren just may hate her forever afterwards, but wasn’t that already the case? Hadn’t he already said, being of sober mind, that he didn’t want to know her anymore? She knew she wouldn’t change. This would always be something that she’d want whether it was with someone else or Eren whom she ached for in all aspects of her life. But Eren…he –

“You don’t want this, Eren. N – not with me,” she gasped out as he skimmed the underside of her breast, teeth scraping the curve of her neck, fingers brushing skin just beneath the hem of the shirt – his shirt she wore.

“I’ll make you feel good. So good, I promise.” There was no way he could want this the same way that she wanted it, yet each of his actions seemed to say otherwise. He wasn’t playing fair, ignoring every single warning that she gave as if her willpower was stronger than his. Perhaps in any other situation than this one, on any other night when she hadn’t already been wrung dry, Mikasa would insist. She’d put her foot down and force her stupid, brash knucklehead of a friend to listen to her before an irreparable mistake was made.

Any other protest died in her throat instead emerging as a low, breathy keen when his hand engulfed her breast, fingers digging as he groped her heavy flesh. There was no stopping how her hips jerked back against him, feeling the solid heat of his body pressed to hers. She had been so cold, and he was a wealth of warmth, his fingers leaving trails of gasoline, ready to ignite as they felt the skin of her thighs before ducking underneath her shirt.

Her breath hitched as they felt the cotton of her panties, tufts of air warbling out at odd intervals when he felt out her nipples, giving a testy squeeze. Kindlings were sparking low in Mikasa’s stomach as her hold on the counter strengthened.

“They’d get so full if you let me put a baby in you.” Words like that…she’d never heard him say before. Did he say these things to others he’d been with? She couldn’t imagine. Children was something he rarely spoke about. Almost as if he hadn’t thought about or wanted them. “Right here,” he reiterated, slipping underneath thin panties to rest over where her womb would be, thick fingers digging into flesh so close to her – her – “Want my cum right in here.”

The very thought had her cunt flushing, the feelings of arousal spiking at being filled in such a way. Her hips rolled back again; her body ready to yield to his wish despite the losing struggle of her conscience. Then his hand was clumsily pushing at her underwear, the delicious pressure that had her chest arching disappearing as his other went to help, her weak protests going ignored like all the others.

One unexpected thing after another was happening on this night of pure insanity. Mikasa never, would have ever, predicted that Eren would be on his knees in her kitchen, his face pressed to the skin of her ass, lips kissing, tongue leaving a trail of goosebumps revealed from being exposed to cool air.

“Please, Mika. Let’s make a baby,” he whispers into her flesh causing a shiver to shake up her spine from that very spot. At this point, she was powerless, so utterly powerless to stop if that had been what she truly wanted. Even if Mikasa were a good enough person to put a stop to this, it would be so hard with the way he begged to be the one to make her womb grow heavy. It would be so hard to do anything other than hyperventilate, seeking desperately to catch her breath while he exposed her private flesh, panties digging into the sides of her knees because that was low enough for him. “Pretty cunt would look so much better with my cum spilling out of it.”

He was so drunk, she thought, one last warning to herself to think, to stop this, to do the right thing, to ignore how his fingers dug into the juncture of her hips and thighs, inching her hind back, ignore the sudden wet breath brushing over her cunt and pull her underwear back into place, but Eren took what he wanted and she gave it because she wanted him to have it just as much.

Nothing would have prepared Mikasa for the hotness of his entire mouth blanketing her pussy lips like a balmy summer day. Then like the rains of a late season storm, he gave no preamble and showed no mercy. Lips latching on, his tongue hot and slimy invaded her cunt with its fullness, the appendage spreading her lips apart to bathe every single taste bud in her essence. Knees shaking, her head dropped to the counter, a rushed sigh escaping her mouth as he began to work it back and forth, up and down her slit sampling everything she had to offer.

“Fuck, that’s good,” he smacked lowly, the words muffled as he made her stumble back, burying his face in her ass to go back for more. She’d later wonder if she should’ve felt shame at how she let her back bow down just to swallow him further in the flesh of her ass, meeting his resistance with her own as he lapped her up.

She’d think about how she didn’t even try not to voice her bliss into the countertop, sighs turning into heavy breaths with each lick of his tongue along her crevice, heavy breaths turning into airy moans as his fingers pulled apart her flesh to wiggle a wet tip at her hole, airy moans turning into pitchy cries when his lips locked around her clit.

It would briefly flash through her mind how this must look, her bent over the kitchen island, long black t-shirt hanging loosely from her waist, the cool air that floated into the open hem puckering her swaying tits; a heel lifted, ass offset to give her best friend who was on his knees exchanging saliva for the juices of her arousal, more access to where she ached and yearned and pulsed with need.

Mikasa had always imagined she’d be shy about this, bowing to Eren’s experience over hers, blushing like a virgin as he took pleasure in her body. The sweet, girlish fantasy she’d kept in her heart, was nothing so distasteful as this. Was it the liquor on his tongue burning up her insides, making her feel intoxicated too on the ripples of pleasure causing her ass to shake, bounce, roll into his open, waiting mouth?

Was it his panting breaths further dampening her dewed cunt that continued to heat her blood and open her pores to be dimpled with the tiniest specs of sweat? Maybe it was the sound of him digging into her pussy, the little bits of air making it past his sucking lips, the endless flicking of his tongue with no real rhythm, no exact precision, but constantly going as if so eager, too overwhelmed by it all to pick one place to stay.

Eren wanted her tonight. She should have been embarrassed that he only wanted her through a haze of whatever concoctions of tequila, vodka, and rum he’d consumed, through whatever mental hoops he’d forced himself to jump; but as the muscles of her vagina tightened and released with want, knees began to tremble, toes curling into the kitchen tile, she could only think – feel how sloppily he lapped up her pussy, slurping up every drop of slick straight from the source.

His desire was so clear in how tightly his fingers dug, how his mouth never left its refuge for more than a breath, how his teeth played, nipping at the fat of her labia, the hood of her clit. He was devoted as he was with all things he set his mind to, working her closer and closer to the edge, pulling out every moan and cry and heavy breath she’d never truly imagined she’d make in his presence let alone his doing.

It was when Mikasa found herself impatient with need, so dangerously close to a peak higher than she’d ever climbed did Eren surprise her again. It all happened within the blink of an eye. Her mouth dropped, eyelids blowing as wide as her dark pupils, a keening wail filling the air when he literally bit down, hard, on the engorged bundle of nerves he’d taken to flicking like a toy.

Knees buckling inward, her body almost slipped off the counter, nearly crumpled to the ground under the force of the orgasm pounding at her cunt, throbbing through strong vaginal muscles, sending shock after shock through her core, from head to toe. If not for the face holding up her rear, the mouth gulping down the juices slipping gratuitously over its lips, the hands making sure that mouth was thoroughly smothered to catch every last drop, Mikasa would’ve been on the floor unable to breathe as she was now.

Never had she been so blinded by an orgasm, never had it been so wet, never had she been so loud, never had it been so felt, every single one of her nerve endings catching fire, fraying at unprecedented speeds until she was left blank-minded and numb over and over again, on repeat because he didn’t stop. Even as her ass shook, and vibrated with the spasms of gratification she realized she’d never truly experienced before, Eren kept sucking, tongue savoring, teeth nibbling, stimulating her.

“S – stop – ughn!” Her thighs clenched, fruitless trying to keep in another stream of wetness that burst forth from his play. “Eren – haa – Ren, ple – ease…” It was a feat to loosen her grip on the counter, let go completely to reach back for him, weakly pushing at his hands, brush at stray locks of his hair before he finally let off. Body twisting awkwardly, the hand she knocked him with returned to the countertop, eager to support her as best she could.

Their eyes met in a long stare, the green of his eyes nearly invisible compared to the darkness of his pupils swollen wide. Between the two of them, it sounded as if they’d run a marathon. It was interesting that she’d been the one who’d been utterly debauched, clothes askew, intimate places fully exposed and touched in ways that she could’ve never imagined, yet Eren…he looked – looked…Mikasa’s mind couldn’t find a word for it. It could do nothing more than take in what her eyes observed, the wild look in his eyes, the almost concerning red tint to his face, his lips hung open and swollen, a thick veneer painted onto his chin and cheeks and nose, even some on the strands of hair that escaped his customary bun.

If he looked like that, then what did she look like? Did she look as wrecked as she felt, lower body muscles fighting to calm down to keep her upright? Was her face just as flush from the exertion of knowing a pleasure she’d never been introduced to? Her cheeks heated further not quite knowing whether to feel vindicated through her fantasies that he made her like this from his mouth alone or because it had proven just how lackluster every other experience she’d had was…or maybe even because her body was wanting and waiting for this just as much as her heart and mind and knew that the body it had spent so many days and nights, mornings and afternoons and evenings, cuddled up to was the one who was doing this to it.

A depressing thought indeed, but one she didn’t have time to dwell on. Mikasa’s poor heart fluttered as Eren moved, his face nuzzling an ass cheek, lips tenderly kissing her hip. Could the water crowding her eyes turn to tears of joy?

“It’ll feel just like that. I’ll make you feel even better than that.” He left damp kisses, her own cum and slick, over her hip bone, her upper thigh. “I want you round and heavy and so pretty with my kid. Say yes, Mikasa.” There were times throughout their long relationship where he’d spoken softly, tenderly to her. When she was sick, when she was feeling down about something or another, when they reminisced on certain things, and occasionally in a room full of people where they were the only two that mattered to one another. She could confidently say that it had never been like this.

Perhaps it was what he was saying, what he was asking for. Or maybe the way that his olive-toned skin contrasted so starkly against her paler complexion, or just because he never touched so much of her before. It could have been how he wiped his face with the back of his hand, her juices smearing into a bigger mess than being wiped away. Maybe it was all those things combined that allowed her to further overlook her morals, that let her pretend that this was real, and this was Eren, her Eren whom she’d always loved, not some drunk guy coming to his best friend who was supposed to be the sensible one so she could help him make the biggest mistake he’d ever make in his life.

“Is this really what you want, Eren? You want me to carry a baby for you,” she whispered, somehow still breathless, voice still shaky, but less from nerves and more from anticipation. Mikasa wasn’t stupid. Asking such questions wasn’t to get his consent or confirm what had already been made clear. It wasn’t to falsely clear her currently nonexistent conscious. No, tonight, she’d been made aware of who she truly was: a horrible, selfish human being who would take what she wanted, no matter what it was, even from the person she loved most. The truth was maybe she asked because she wanted to hear him say this incredible thing again, just one more time. After tonight, he will likely never speak to her again.

“Let me breed you. Wanna breed you, fill you up so bad, Mika. Please.”

“Okay.” She didn’t hesitate. It was as simple as that. One minute she was at the bottom of the barrel, at the end of her rope. In the next, the world was her oyster, everything handed to her on a silver platter. Her smile was hesitant but true as all Eren’s showed at her acquiescence of his ardent pleas. There was something in that expression of his that made her so very aware of the blood pumping through her veins. It was anticipation she’d realize a moment later when he was on the move, making sure her panties met the floor, picking up her ankles all on his own to make sure she stepped out of them.

“You won’t be needing those,” he murmured, somewhat distracted but eager, so eager it made her a little delirious. Having recovered from having her cunt eaten, she was able to stand straight, his shirt falling to cover her barren state, yet he still touched her as he followed her actions. His fingertips grazing along her calves, tickling the inside of her thighs, making her gasp as they rubbed over her still wet labia, making her blush as they dug into her ass again, his palms holding as much as they could as he made it to his feet.

It was so strange that he didn’t seem to want to stop touching her and she vaguely wondered if this is what he was like with other women he slept with. Did he act drunk on their bodies too, rubbing up their sides and waist after giving them pleasure with his mouth, making them cum on his fingers? Did he turn them around to face him so they could see the desire in his features? Did they flush the way she did watching him trace their figure in nothing but a t-shirt that belonged to him? Did their bodies flush with arousal witnessing the tent in his pants that left so much and so little to the imagination?

Mikasa couldn’t help but stare, the size of his cock no longer a mere suggestion to her imagination from seeing the vague indent in sweatpants or basketball shorts. He said he wanted her, wanted to get her pregnant, fill her up and breed her so good and while she knew what that entailed, it was just so shocking to see the very obvious erection waiting to do just that. Did he really want her? Had she done that to him? Did the thought of achieving his goal get his dick thick and full with blood or was it that he was simply a horny drunk and she was a readily available vagina for him to get off? The answer could have been one or all of those as he gripped her hips with intention.

“What are you doing?!” She jolted at suddenly being lifted and squeaked at the shock to her system the coolness of the countertop provided. Immediately, she was trying to shimmy off the edge, wincing at how her slick was, no doubt, smearing on the surface, but the solid wall of Eren’s body stopped her descent, instead trapping her legs on either side of his body.

“You said I could –

“Not on the kitchen counter! You can’t even rea-eech!” Before she could finish, Eren was yanking her off the counter, the few steps he took leading him to her small dining table.

“Bet you I could reach,” he huffed, setting her down easily and pushing back until her weight rested on her elbows.

“Eren, I meant not the kitchen at all. The bedroom…” His shaking head led her words off a cliff.

“Not gonna make it there.” Proving his seriousness, Eren immediately divested himself of the leather jacket she’d gifted him three years ago.

“I - It’s not that far. Really, Eren.” Paying her no heed, the shirt underneath it met the floor next. Gray eyes roved over the tan expanse of muscles that suddenly lacked cover.

“No, it’s been too long. Waited so long for you, Mika.” The fitness of his body was nothing new to her after years of watching him play rugby, of going to the gym together, of hot summers spent at the pool with their friends. What was new was suddenly being allowed to stare. No one was going call out how her eyes dipped in and out of every single groove the ridged six-pack he sported. There was no need to look into the sun while quietly imagining what his shoulders that had somehow become so broad might feel like in her hands. She didn’t have to control how her lips parted at the deep ‘V’ his pelvic muscles created, his…sex muscles. The muscles he would be putting to use on her.

Thighs pressed together in pure reaction, her heart was in her throat when his belt came open next, the button of dark jeans coming undone, the zipper crawling over his cock with a hiss from his lip, revealing more of that ‘V’ than had ever been available to her. Fine pubic hairs created a smattering pattern across the skin under his belly button, disappearing beneath the fabric of deep red boxers. The color was so deep that she almost didn’t catch the dark, wet spot that stained them. Quite suddenly Mikasa found herself stricken with just how far things had gone, how hard it was to believe this was truly happening.

When his cocked bobbed free next, it was so much, too much for her all at once. The long vibrations her vocal cords emitted at the sight were completely involuntary. The smirk on Eren’s face went wholly unnoticed as she stared, the gears in her head scrambling because this didn’t quite happen in her dreams. Her imagination didn’t have enough data to create an image as perfect as this. The game of ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ they’d played as children, much to their parents’ horror could have never graduated her thoughts to this. It couldn’t stimulate the muscles of her pussy, making them contract and release at the sight of the beautiful cock attached to Eren.

“See how much I need you,” he huffed, a large hand that had just been on her wrapping around his thick girth, stroking the incredible length immediately. Mikasa felt too breathless to respond to such a sentiment being directed at her from him. Why would she want to breathe when she could watch his thumb smear pearly beads of precum that leaked from the pink, angry, bulbous tip? Secondary functions like breathing and blinking decided that functioning was no longer important when all brainpower could be transferred to observing how even his balls hung fat and heavy and surely filled with all the cum he’d begged to put inside her.

“Do you really want me that badly?” The raggedness of her voice was unfamiliar to her ears. She knew she wanted him that badly with the wanton way her knees parted wide, completely brazen and audacious in the re-exposure of her asking, begging, pleading for him to be inside her right now; with the whimper that quivered across her lips at the positively hungry look placed upon the soaking heat; how her hips bucked so embarrassingly when the burning weight of his cock settled on her mound, mingled with the heat of her cunt, began a seductive back and forth through her crevice, sifting through arousal with a lewdness that signaled just how her body coveted him – yearned for this.

Head falling back in a silent cry as he bumped her sensitive little bud once, twice, thrice. The nerve endings in her skin cracked as he lifted her knees, calloused hands chaffing the skin of her calves as they felt all the way to her ankles before resting them on either of his broad shoulders. Eren really had every intention of fucking her…of breeding her. The acceptance of this knowledge left Mikasa positively feverish.

“Oh, Mika…” A shudder broke through her as he tipped at her entrance, prodding eagerly. There was absolutely no going back. “You just don’t know.” The way his twitching cock pressed at her hole could only be described as lovingly. Never had she felt so hot in her life, and so eager, so very eager to ruin the best thing in her life. “You don’t know the half of it.” If the feeling of him resting on her mound, seeing the size so very well demonstrated as his right hand paced from tip to base were something to behold. Mikasa could readily attest to the fact that she’d been a little naïve, a bit clueless.

Her poor little fantasies always started with whispered, sweet nothings and gentle confessions of love before shifting to passionate lovemaking that always ended in them succumbing to the pleasure they wrought in one another. There was nothing of the endless stretching, being forced wider and wider, reproductive organs pushed aside to make room for the thing that would put them to work if successful. Having to think about how her body would adjust after having gone so long without sex, how it would burn, nearly hurt, as he worked to seat himself in her fully, was not even an idea on the drawing board. The thought that she could break apart didn’t exist until Eren sought his entry, but if there was anyone who had that privilege, it was him.

“Put it in. Put it in,” she whined weakly. Perhaps it was the arch to her back that made the air escape weirdly. It could’ve been how her pelvis struggled against being weighed down into the hardwood of her kitchen table, seeking to move, to squirm around for some relief, any relief. Mikasa’s body was all out of sync, shirt riding up as their pelvises inched closer, arms and wrists twisting awkwardly to find purchase, fingers curling tightly around the edge of the table.

“- pussy’s tighter than I thought it could be – Fuck, Mika. Fuck…” Eren breathed, little grunts falling from his lips with each centimeter of pussy he conquered. It felt like the sun had set and rose again before he stopped moving. Just as she had no register of how long it took for him to carve her out, Mikasa couldn’t tell how long she and Eren stayed still soaking in the feel of each other, but it was hard to relax with how heavy his cock felt sitting inside her body, how there was a fullness that she’s never experienced with anyone else before, how they were so connected, how he was alive inside her, throbbing and twitching and feeding her a wealth of heat. Overwhelmed only just began to cover the sensations she didn’t know she could experience.

“Y – you’re so hot…so ha – hot.” He murmured low and deep, his rough hands starting up their movements again, finger pad making dents in her skin, pressing, massaging, sneaking under the shirt that had ridden up. He was making her alight, and she was going to combust. “So fucking pretty, Mika. Everyone’s always staring. Always looking.” Her eyes peeled open just in time to see him nuzzle her leg, nose tickling her skin, breath making it damp. “That sweet voice makes them stay after this fit body draws them in.” It’s obscene, the way he digs into her muscles, where he can touch, wherever he can reach. Mouth falling open the slightest bit, a soft sigh whooshes out as both her legs join each other on a single shoulder.

“I want to ruin you.” Somehow, Mikasa felt even fuller like this. “Wanna ruin every workout you’ve ever done so no – no other guy looks at you,” he groaned, pulling her a little farther over the edge of the table.

“Eren…” How could he push deeper like that? Make them so close that the tops of his thighs met the flesh of her ass?

“I wanna – want them all to look and see you with another man’s kid and fuck off. Gonna get you pregnant and ruin this body, so you’ll be too busy to give anyone else your attention. Gonna ruin this flat belly. Gonna ruin these hips. Gonna ruin you for anyone else but me.” Everything that she was hearing, the words so candidly flying from his mouth in ways she never thought such sentiments could, the high levels of exhilaration continuously spiking through her body with every minute movement, it all felt like the most far off dream yet too good to be a figment of her imagination. She could pretend though. Mikasa could pretend.

“You – you’ve got to – to…” How funny that shyness could overtake her at a time like this when she was laid out on her kitchen table positively stuffed full of dick. “Seed me. You’ve got to seed me, first.” Why did she have to phrase it like that? It wasn’t exactly a surprise when Eren laughed, yet she was gasping anyway, his amusement accompanied by his cock dragging through her walls, nearly pulling out, the last of her tight muscles squeezing his head with all they were worth, seeking desperately to keep him inside.

“I know how to do this.” The moan that slips from her lips is more breath than voice when he spears back through her until their hips snap together and there’s absolutely no time to recover before he’s repeating himself, the friction creating sparks, sparks begetting tiny wisps of smoke as his hips moved so smoothly, proving he knew exactly what to do, burying his cock through her sodden heat. Mikasa had never felt so much, she had never felt the veins of a fat cock trying to graft onto the walls of her cunt as he let her know just how wet he made her, just how soaked she’d gotten with the thought – with the knowledge that he was –

“‘’M gonna get you right, Mika,” he grunted, fingers deep in the junctures of her thighs, trying to keep her close, bring her closer the more excited he got, thrusts into her gummy walls quickly becoming swifter, rougher. The grip she had on the edge of the table had to tighten. “Gonna get you round and heavy with my baby.” Fuck, she wanted that so badly, her toes curled behind him, calves bouncing on his should as fucked her. Mikasa wanted to watch, wanted to witness his face getting redder from effort, his brow entrenching, wanted to meet his eyes, stare into them as he promised to get it done but it was so hard to keep her eyes open as he gripped her hips, the slight change in angle hitting something unfamiliar and completely divine and –

“Shit…You want it too, don’t you?”

“Y – eah.”

“You’re taking my dick so fucking well because you want this cunt filled with my unborn kids, huh, Mika?”

“Please.” It was so good. He was so good. She’s never been taken like this, never felt so much desire, such fervency. Her breasts shook, and bounced while he slammed into her hard and fast and so powerful, so strong. “Mghh – ha – hgnnn.” That spot. That spot. The legs of the table began to creak as he pounded her pussy as he pleased, fucking her so very deeply that his heavy ballsack spanked her ass each time he buried himself, bottomed out. Was it already full? Was it ready to burst inside her?

“Gonna write my name all over your cunt, Mika.” He could write his name wherever he wanted, on her pubic mound and hip bones, her lower back and breasts, her forehead or fingers, she didn’t care where he branded her his property, the fact would remain that she’d be his. She’d only ever wanted to be his and right now she was. Maybe that’s where this sense of urgency came from, the need to leverage the legs thrown over his shoulder and meet his thrusts, tilt her pelvis to match his hard work, to help the growing sweat on his brow not be for nothing.

In the vague way only her hazy, lust filled mind could, Mikasa could recognize how desperate she was beginning to feel. This steep descent into madness threatened to take her as she moaned aloud, whining and crying and sighing each time he dug into her, wishing she could get closer still, wishing that she could feel even more of his harsh breaths dusting her skin as he folded her in half, making her release the edge of the table so he could fist her biceps and make her wail.

“Uhhh. L – Like that – mmm. Just like th – that, Eren – hah – ” Her peak was building as fingers clenched, seeking something to hang onto, something to ground herself, to keep herself in check, to keep spilling how she wanted him to fuck her until this creaking table fell apart in ruins, how much she loved Eren’s raw dick, how she wanted to cum all over it while he used her, made himself feel so good, so overcome with pleasure that he exploded against her cervix, bathing her womb in brilliantly scorching sperm.

Maybe they were one tonight; maybe for right now, as he destroyed her cunt, beat it red, he was just as much hers and she was his because he asked as if he already knew what she was thinking, as if he wanted not a single thing between them, even the thoughts normally kept under generous locks and keys.

“You want it, huh, M – Mika? Tell me you want it – ha – haa. Fuck, tell me.” And that was all it took.

“W – want you to cum in me. Want you to give me a – a baby,” she pleaded flagrantly, deliriously, no other thoughts but how her pussy burned with the rigid thickness keeping it wide open, ready to receive. Fire burned in her gut as his pummeling rhythm faltered. Her heart was in her throat. “Cum inside me, E – Erennn. Mmh, fuck your b - baby into me.”

“Nghh – F – Fuck!” The table screeched backward when Eren slammed into Mikasa’s cunt, her entire body jostling with the force of it all. The grunt that he emits is long and filled with such a low baritone that she clamped down hard as it resonated through her entire being, ripping out what might have been the lewdest sounds she’d ever made. For long moments, she’s wholly unsure if she’d orgasmed, but it becomes expeditiously clear that Eren had, and Mikasa fully relished in the way his dick pulsed, actually jumped in the tightness of her cunt while semen burst forth in a stampeding rush.

It was only him that could pull her to such depths and only him that could break her out in a startling moment of clarity. Eren was beautiful, so gorgeous dumping his seed into her waiting cervix, hips jerking, finely cut abs flexing, jaw clenching, the veins in his neck palpitating. Damn, he was simply dazzling as he came in spades, head tipping back to let the euphoria take him, groaning with each spurt that joined the rest.

“Ugh – you feel t – too fucking good. Sh – shit! Uhhh…” There was so much, almost as if he couldn’t stop cumming. Warm and gooey cum was in full supply as her pussy milked as much as it could, keeping his cock sucked in. Every drop, Mikasa wanted to be filled with every drop, wanted no room left inside, every crevice taken up with sperm. This was the first creampie she’d ever gotten, and her womb needed to drown because Eren was the one doing it. He was making her so messy.

“Eren,” she couldn’t help but moan softly, her head dropping to the table, neck no longer craning to bear witness, an unfamiliar kind of exhilaration shaking her body with a shiver. She felt so – so – she didn’t know! In a disarray, maybe, her eyes unable to settle on a particular spot on the baren ceiling. Her tummy was so warm, and her ass is wet with what begins to leak out and trail down its curve. She can’t hear the excess dripping to the tile, hitting in thick globs over their mouth breathing, but Mikasa is sure it’s making its way there. She loved this.

Did he always cum this much, stuffing condoms to the brim or was it her, the idea of knocking her up? Tonight, it could be what she wanted it to be, and she wanted it to be the first time he’s ejaculated so heavily, the first time he’s ever allowed himself to paint someone’s insides white with cum she just knew was potent enough to get the job done in one try. Her mind wanted to calculate how far her next menstruation was. Was it one week from now? Two? The mental calculations came to a halt at their simultaneous moans, his softening cock slipping from her sloppy cunt, nearly as slowly as when it first went in, the sound so much more obscene.

The hold on her arms finally released, and when Eren finally stood up straight, gently bringing her legs back over his shoulder so she could fold them to her chest, she had another opportunity to ogle him. A hand ran through his hair, brushing back stray chocolate strands that escaped his bun as he looked over his work.

“Told you it would be prettier with my cum.” Green eyes darted up to smile at grays and the audacity of her cheeks to flush, not in arousal but for the simple fact of how cute his happiness was. She blinked repeatedly unsure what to say but she found her heart fluttering anyway, her own lips matching his one of complete satisfaction for the briefest of seconds.

Then she became aware of just how exposed he was, shirtless, half-mast cocked glistening in both their secretions just above his jeans; how she was laid out on her kitchen table, lower body in full view, pussy used, covered with slick and cum; the smell of sex was so loud in the normal artificially fragranced air and they were in her kitchen and they had just fucked, had unprotected sex purposefully to make a baby.

Her muscles clenched on their own, feeling the evidence, the proof. No longer was there something hard and fat to wrap around, to encompass. The emptiness left her nearly bereft with the knowledge that it was over now. This moment, her moment under a burning sun, had ended just as she’d truly ensured the end of any sort of friendship she and Eren could ever have.

What if…she really did end up pregnant?

The thought had her sitting up abruptly, the momentum taking her off the edge and onto dough legs. It’s Eren that keeps her from meeting the floor completely, his strong grasp steadying her, but she can’t look at him, can’t be this close to him anymore. That pervasive cold is taking her again and Mikasa needs to get away. She needs to cover up.

“What are you doing?!” He tries to grab her as she scrambles away, but she dodges him, painfully away the wetness beginning to drip down her thighs. Her feet carried her into the adjacent living room, her mind wondering what she was going to do, panic beginning to set in. Shit. Fuck. Dammit! “Hey, I’m talking to you, Mikasa!” She was nearly across the room, about to step into the hallway when Eren wrenched her around by the arm, but he didn’t stop there. Before she had time to register just what he was doing, the work tilted upside down, her hair falling to the force of gravity.

“Eren, what the hell! Put me down!” His forearm locked behind her knees, the other coming across her calves.

“I told you, you were letting it all come out, but you weren’t listening.”

“And your first thought was to throw me over your shoulder?!” Of course it was, she thought bitterly as they stumbled a bit. He was fucking drunk, and she was the sober idiot with poor decision-making skills who decided to fuck him because she was a wrung-out towel. “I told you to put me down!” She commanded as he began walking, doing her best to wiggle out of his grasp, and for a second she thought he was going to listen, the hand keeping her calves still releasing them. Instead, the quick sound of skin hitting skin reverberated through the hallway, her sharp squeal on its heels. He smacked her ass! And it stung too!

“Quit it.”

“No, you quit it!” Having just as much access to his backside as he did hers, Mikasa returned the favor, hair being swept out of the way so she could lay into the flat ass that had been called out on several occasions by their friend group; when she did, however, the sound muffled on the material of his low riding jeans. Clearly, it caused Eren no discomfort as laughed completely unfazed.

“You can discipline the baby when they come. Not me.” Was that a joke? The time to contemplate the question let alone ask him was a second pressed infinitely small. Just as quickly as she was over his shoulder, Mikasa was off it. The wind was knocked right out of her as he flopped her rather unceremoniously on the bed, but that was not the end of it. No, he wasted no time snatching up one of the pillows at the head and tucking it underneath her, commanding her to hug her knees and adjusting her accordingly when she just stared in bewilderment.

Shouldn’t he be tired now? Ready for sleep? Ready to pass out after getting his rocks off? That’s what normally happened from her experience, unless someone had to endure the “walk of shame,” intoxication or not. Sure, in her fantasies he would hold her close, whisper the things her mind conjured up into her skin as they fell asleep together as one but that was exactly what it was. A fantasy. If nothing else had proven that – which this experience most certainly had – being hit with the “what happens after coitus since we’re both still here and not asleep at all”certainly did as such awkwardness was never present in her fantasies. Well, she felt awkward. The only thing keeping her arranged as he placed her was the lack of knowing what to make of the situation, of his nonchalance, of his adamancy on her being like this.

“It’s still coming out.” His brows dipped together as if trying to figure out the most complex of problems when it was just his blatant scrutiny making her entire being coil up tight with embarrassment. Resting her arms on top of her knees instead of behind them, Mikasa pressed the sides of her calves together, feet pointed for maximum shielding of herself from his view.

The look he immediately fixed her with was not missed but the meaning behind it was. What was she supposed to do in this situation? Clearly, Eren had no plans of letting her up, and arguing with a drunk man was sure to be a losing battle, so how was she to deal with him and then this – this blunder of the century, the worst mistake she’d ever made in her life. Before tonight, Mikasa didn’t think she was a bad person…this bad of a person.

“Did you mean it?” The question cut through her spiraling thoughts, the torrent of questions being blinked away as gray met green.

“What?” He shifted closer to her, the almost too warm skin of his abdomen resting against her shins.

“Did you mean what you said?” What was he talking about?

“Eren, I’m going to need you to be a lot more specific.” To be honest, there’s no telling what he’s talking about and definitely no telling what she said in the heat of the moment or at any particular moment he could be referring to, but he’s annoyed at her lack of understanding anyway.

“Did you mean what you said about wanting to have a baby? My baby?” Maybe this was the punishment for what she’d done. Being made to sit with this instead of being able to clean it all away like it never happened, having to feel the semen growing colder and drying, being forced to stay in Eren’s presence so her shame could be right in front of her while he asked the most unfair questions…it had to be karma, swift and instant. Would more justice be served to her if she lied? The answer to that question was very much obvious. She let this happen, gave in to her urges and desires, and emotions. Apparently, it wasn’t evident to him and her silence was telling.

Suddenly there’s a lot of space between them and a storm brewing on his features that was too reminiscent of his first time over that day when he’d wanted nothing more than to spend the night with her. The irony is not lost on Mikasa in the slightest. Neither is the sudden whiplash of wanting Eren back near her, of not minding if he wanted her to sit here like this, of being left a mess if it meant she didn’t permanently lose him a few hours sooner than waiting for morning to come.

She doesn’t want to see him storm off again. She doesn’t want to hear any more damning words. They could save that for the morning when the true consequences of her actions came to fruition. He would truly wish he did not know her then and he would be right to. It would be for the best, Mikasa reminded herself, and maybe she’d have something to remember him by but –

“You’ll think a baby is a mistake tomorrow,” is what she whispered to keep him from going. It works. His gaze is so heavy on her that she can’t meet it. He might see her watering eyes if she did. Never had Mikasa found herself more tired of crying than in that moment, but it seemed like tears were never in short supply when it came to Eren.

“Why would you think that?” The puzzlement in his tone could only be attributed to the intoxication that kept him from thinking clearly and she doesn’t know how to tell him that was the reason, but he doesn’t give her a chance to. In a second, he’s away from the edge of the bed, caging her in with arms on either side of her head. The unbidden clarity in his eyes for the first time since trying to get into her apartment is striking. “I…have made a fuckton of mistakes, ‘specially with you, but this isn’t one. I’m sure of this.” Her head is shaking on its own because he couldn’t mean that. He didn’t know what he was saying because if he did, he would have said it way before now, right?

“You don’t mean that,” she sniffed, eyes hitting the ceiling. Please don’t let her cry in front of him. Please.

“I do,” he sat back on his knees. “Wouldn’t have you like this if I wasn’t sure.” Her feet were brushed aside to make way for a lone finger pressing into the fat of her labia, trailing through the folds so teasingly. How could her body betray her by reacting, by shuddering from cunt to scalp?

“A – and why is it? That you have me like this?” Whether it’s to distract him or herself, Mikasa isn’t sure, mainly because it works on neither of them. She is all too aware of his thumb pushing her lips apart, of how he stared, almost entranced, at her sex.

“Because I wanted to be sure.”

“Be sure of wh – what?” The first touch to her clit is nothing, merely a brush, probably not even purposeful but it makes her jump anyway.

“Be sure that it took. That the baby batter gets cooking.” Now that startled her and it all made sense, and if she hadn’t been so frazzled, Mikasa might’ve realized his intentions. “I’m sure. About you. About this. Mikasa, ‘m so sure.” Perhaps this was a dream after all, pulled from the deepest depths of her heart, her soul. She had absolutely nothing to say as he opened her up again, two thick fingers combing through her pussy, gathering up cum and pushing it back into the safety of her insides with the wettest of sounds. She can only whimper softly, the hold on her knees loosening as her body, still sensitive from the pleasure before, still keyed up from not reaching its peak responded accordingly. His fingers felt so different from his cock.

His movements were slow at first, digits melting into the swelter of her cunt, being sucked in and clenched around before making a deliberately unhurried escape. Through lidded eyes, Mikasa could see Eren’s tongue dart out, wet his lips, and idly wondered what he was thinking as he pulled little sighs from her, making her knees gradually fall apart on either side of him. She should’ve told him to stop, that propping her hips up wouldn’t make a difference, that pushing back in what had already oozed out wouldn’t change anything.

Like before, she should’ve put her foot down. She should’ve been more adamant in getting away, more convincing that he could never want this because he’s never wanted this before now. He’s never wanted her in this way. But he always got her with what he said. It’s like he knew exactly what to say to make her weak, to make her accept these advances, to make her crave them, to build her up with every booze-tinged breath he took. It wasn’t just that her body wanted Eren. It wasn’t just his wrist twisting, fingers dipping inside, coming apart, joints curling up, catching on to gummy ridges, each press into them causing a chain reaction to happen within, bending her back into a taut arch, opening her lungs with the sudden space they had to expand, twisting her arms awkwardly as her fingers groped at the duvet for purchase.

It was her selfishness. It was the ego she didn’t know she had before this night. And all it took was a few words from him to bring it out, she was learning. Hearing him say such impossible things to her, about her? The fierce longing that festered within her entire being after so many years of pining for this man left her positively weak. Anything that fed it crippled her in every aspect. It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair as his thumb swiped at her clit quite purposefully, nor his watchful eyes as he tended to the building flames pooling in her gut, digging mounds of semen out of her tunnel only to pack it back in.

“Why are you so unsure, Mikasa? Is it because it’s me?” Her head shook, eyes squeezing closed as his fingers curled again.

“N – Nooo.” The syllables drawn out into a song as he pressed her little bud.

“Is it because I didn’t keep my word? Didn’t I make you feel good like I promised?”

“Mm?” Again, she’s distracted, losing control over herself. This time it happened so much quicker, with much more ease. He always stole her senses and robbed her of composure. How in the world did she ever think that she would be able to-

“Was just too excited. I can do right by you, Mika. I can take care of you. I can give you what you need.” His apology manifested in a third finger worming its way to hide with the first two. “I promise, I can.” And he set out to prove himself as he had already tonight, quickly setting a pace that had Mikasa keening, squirming, seeking to stretch her legs open wide.

“Aghhh.” If he wanted to take care of her she’d let him. “Ha – haa – ” That’s all she wanted to focus on right now, the feeling of his three fingers digging through her cunt, feeling them as she squeezed them hard, and each wave that crested on her shores as he poked and prodded at all the spots that made her want to collapse in on herself. It didn’t take too long to get close again. He just seemed so good at this, at making her – making her body do what he wanted.

“That’s it,” he encouraged, his voice ever so gentle but ragged, rough around the edges in a way that was only him. “Just so fuckin’, pretty, Mika. So pretty and red and whining cause of me.”

“Mhm! Mhmmm.” Shocks coursed through, raising little bumps on her skin as he went faster, digits just blasting her pussy.

“Want you to cum. All over my hand.” Never had she heard something so enticing. His voice was a soundtrack mixed with just how incredibly wet she was each time his knuckles pressed into her, layered on top of her own vocal contributions that got higher and higher. Mikasa didn’t know she could be this aroused, didn’t know these kinds of sounds could be wrought from her. “Cum for me. You got it.” She wanted to. The tension building in her lower belly was getting too strong. Nearly unbearable. “Do it,” Eren urged. “Cum just for me. Just for me, Mikasa.”

The peak she reached wasn’t its normal height. There was no long, quiet moan or a soft slip into oblivion. It was very much like the person who gave it to her. Mikasa’s voice was loud, warbled, and strained, in the room as it surged through her, battering at her core. It was as if every single nerve ending had been detonated at once, creating a single, violent explosion right between her legs, and blowing back out through her curled toes, curled fingers, and prickling scalp.

It’s so much that she doesn’t register how she coated his hand in her release, how her body twitched and convulsed with each shockwave, how his fingers sneakily absconded after causing an immeasurable catastrophe. Mikasa had no awareness of her surroundings to hear the bed shifting, to see Eren hastily losing his bottoms. All she could do is let herself feel, too aware of every single sensation that her body ran through.

Her cunt screamed anew at unexpectedly being open again, Eren’s cock fighting its way back into her hole as it spasmed, clenching intensely, trying to work its way through such heightened pleasure only to have it prolonged with new maddening stimuli.

Having her legs fully open to him made things so different when he bottomed out, public hairs tickling at her mound, the base of his cock pressing into the fatty tissue, the tip crowding the open of her cervix. It hurt in the best kind of way to have him even deeper within her body than before. She couldn’t help but feel this was where he was meant to be. That it was shaped specifically for him and him alone. It really wasn’t fair that she only just got the opportunity to find out. Every other aftershock her pussy quakes out is perfected with a thrust of Eren’s cock, his hips slowly pumping, working her all the way through the last waves of orgasm.

“Eren,” she called to him for no other reason than her feverish state. Again, his name dived from her lips with another deep grinding thrust. On the third time, the syllables stretched long, almost melodious, was what brought him over to her, strands of hair bracketing his face as gravity pushed them forward, both hands planted on either side of her head.

“I want you to only ever say my name like that. No one else’s. That’s why it has to be me. Need you to be mine alone. It’s why I gotta make you a mom.” Eren drilled himself into her, his hips never stopping, pelvis on a continuous roll, each stroke of his hard cock sure, deliberate, as if trying to punctuate the words he spoke to her. “I - It’s the only way I can make sure you stay mine. That you’ll never be able to leave me.”

“You don’t mean that,” Mikasa whimpered completely in denial that anything he said could be true. The wisps of bangs that weren’t sweat-adhered to her forehead tickled at her lashes as her flushed profile pressed into a pillow after a particularly intense grinding. Was he really trying to write his name inside her? Tears crowded her bottom lids, that feeling of acute overwhelmingness signaling its return with the palpitations of her heart, with the struggle it was to get air, with how she was unable to look at him despite his concentrated gaze boring into the very pores of her face.

“Yes, I do,” he bit out. “Why – haa – won’t you listen to me anymore? You – you don’t listen, so I have to do something. I ha – have to do something to keep you by my side.” It’s a few seconds before she realized Eren stopped moving, his cock at rest inside her, his breaths shakier than her own. It’s so difficult to get her mind to work, to wrangle the disarrayed cars into a singular, viable train but there’s nothing she can say, despite him clearly wanting her to. The first droplet that hit the side of her face went unnoticed, her main concern trying so hard to figure out the right words to reason with someone in this state, someone she let get this far in this situation all while battling her own emotions, being inundated with all kinds of stimulants. The second one caused her to blink and by the third, she could see where they were coming from. If she didn’t have words before, seeing Eren spill his tears because of her left her devoid of them altogether. “Why don’t you want to be by my side anymore, Mikasa?”

The anguish that coated his word curdled her insides. Muscles in his face twitched, working to keep his features from crumpling altogether as he stared down at her, imploring an answer to a question that had evidently been plaguing him. It hurt her to know that he was hurting like this, to now know that she caused this pain. How upsetting it was to know that he thought – thought that she –

“No. No, that’s not it at all.” She soothed, her imminent meltdown pausing to stay his. In this capacity, Mikasa had no problem. It was a role she’d taken many times before, so it was nothing to loosen her clasp on the bedspread to slide along the warmth of his sides; to visit the firmness of his chest as she cradled his neck and then his face. “It’s not what I want.” The grooves of her fingers pads filled with water. “But I have to do it – let go because – because – ” The words caught in her throat.

“Because you want a baby,” he answered for her, dejection clear, but that was only a fraction of it. She wanted his baby. She wanted him. As she continued to feel his skin, hands rubbing into his shoulder blades, sweat sticking to her palms, watching as the crying abated, Mikasa wondered just how much of this would be remembered come tomorrow. It would be obvious that they’d fucked, especially if she did turn out to be with child, but would he remember the inconsequential things she’d said or would it be overshadowed by the betrayal, by the potential new life within her.

There were so many things she could say to him, she was recognizing, so many ways the depths of her heart could be spelled out. If this was a goodbye, could she say those things? When he’d walked out previously, she’d thought that was it, had thought it was for the best. Even if he didn’t remember, the burden on his heart could be made light. But would relinquishing those burdens matter if he didn’t remember? If it didn’t truly matter should that make it easier to put out there after keeping it as tightly sealed as possible?

Sighing, she pressed into his back muscles enough to get his elbows to bend, to get them chest to chest in the way they did on some of the movie nights spent with just the two of them. That’s what he wanted to keep. Those moments between them. Just like he’d said when he was sober, Mikasa didn’t doubt how he felt regarding their new distance, but she also knew that Eren was possessive over anything he believed to be his, over the things and people in his sphere. Besides his family and Armin, she likely orbited closest to him. All of this, at best, was that inability to share he hadn’t let go of from childhood.

There was no way he was doing this because he loved her the way she loved him. Eren wasn’t in love with her. Telling him how she felt would likely provide more mortification come morning than any sort of closure. If he didn’t remember, her adoration of him would feel even more insignificant. If he did…would it genuinely be enough to explain why she took advantage of him? No, it wouldn’t be; but as his arms gave way, his body weight settling over her, broad shoulders dwarfing her, Mikasa felt like they weren’t close enough despite him being balls deep inside her exceedingly saturated cunt, despite his body being a covering for hers.

With a quick few tugs, his shirt was lifted up to her neck, his hands gently helping to remove it. Then it was perfect, the temperatures of the skins seeking to match one another’s as his pecks met the softness of her breasts, the bones of his cheek nuzzling against hers. She wanted to be able to hold him close like this forever, hugging him, and loving him; but life wasn’t fair, and again she was reminded how this was reality, not some fantasy. There would be consequences to her actions, no doubt; however, now it was too late to back out. Things were too far gone so even though she couldn’t bring herself to say the specific words she kept inside, she could still voice some truth if it could make him feel better. It wasn’t too often that he got like this but when he did, it was always devastating.

“…So give me one,” Mikasa whispered softly, her breath dusting along the sharp angle of his jawline. In return, she felt a rush of air on hers with his sharp intake of breath. The fingers that found their way to the nape of his neck didn’t stop their massaging motions, even as he turned to put his eyes on her. She wondered if the boundless shades of green speckling his irises had ever been close enough that she could pick out each one. The pointed tip of his nose brushed hers as he stared, long moments passing between them, second tick, tick, ticking by.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You want a baby?”

“No, I don’t want a baby.” It felt so bad, so taboo following the trail of his spine until her fingers could curl into his ass, gratuitously feeling all he had to offer as she pulled his pelvis into hers, fighting off the wince that came with reminding them both how near he was to her cervix. No, Mikasa held firmly, her hands squeezing his ass, her thighs clinging to his hips, her grays eyes to the hooded wonder of his greens. “I – I want your baby.” If they were here far past the point of no return, then why not make herself fully complicit?

Whether Eren remembered it fully or not, it still happened so she would. She would remember what it felt like to touch as only a lover could. She would remember the way his cupid bow lips parted as her hips rolled into his, her pussy snagging him anew, hooking him on because she could, because she now knew how capable she was of making him feel so good that he’d lose himself to the tight sauna of her hole and leave himself all over it.

“Fuck me, Eren. Please, fuck me.” Her ego wanted him to find the pinnacle of pleasure within her body, just one more time that night. When he obliged her, short, quick thrusts, became longer as he pulled out further each time, harder as he pushed himself back up onto his hands, deeper as his ass cheeks clenched tighter underneath her helping hands. It was so good, so damn good, and she told him so.

“Y – you feel so gooood inside me, Eren.” What point was there in holding back? Before, she tried to keep her composure and let it happen, but why let it happen and not participate? If this was worth losing him over, shouldn’t she make it worth it? It seemed that he was trying to help her do just that, his hips snapping harder.

“I – ha – haa – I’ve dreamed of this.” No way.

“Mh – Me too.” So many times, but how he fucked her beaten little cunt so vigorously that the bed creaked, that she had to let him go to press a hand to the headboard, that her breasts jiggled so violently the only thing they could hold onto was his attention, was all too real. The moans she couldn’t help with the deft strokes as he dicked her into the mattress, hefty balls flattening against her ass, matched his steeped grunts and vicious profanity. Nothing compared to this reality. Nothing Mikasa had ever had or would have could compare to this.

“Fuck,” Eren spat, sweat glistening on his brow. What a man to be underneath. What a perfect view she had, those sex muscles working hard. “Want me to m – make you a mama? Ha – Huh?” For the third, fourth time that night, the intensity in her gut was rising, anticipation clawing through her as he ruined her.

“Mhmmm! Ma – Mama to – haa – your children.” Mikasa’s skin sizzled with sweat, her constitution crackled with electricity, her pussy producing its lava at an exorbitant rate as if he needed any help making sure this pussy would belong to him long after this night had passed.

“Children?” He faltered momentarily. The word not having any extraordinary meaning to her, Mikasa blinked rapidly, a trembling hand rushing to his shoulder.

“Don’t stop,” she gasped, cunt giving a groan inducing squeeze. “Ohhh, please don’t s – stop – mghh!”

“Don’t stop 'cause you want my children, Mikasa?”

“Yes!” How was beating her shit harder?

“Want me to fuck more than one baby into this snug cunt?” Oh, it was so much, building and building with each strong pump of his vigorous cock.

“Ahh – please!” Wave after wave hit her as pounded her pussy, cock tipping her cervix further open little by little, preparing for his sperm.

“Want me to keep you bred? Huh? Shit – ha – Keep you knocked up with all of my brats?!” The sentiments had her nails digging into his pretty olive skin, wherever she could reach. “Keep your womb covered in my seed?”

“Over and over again! Yes – Please! W – want that so badly, Eren. Need it, so badly.” She was so close to bursting, her body wanting to pull itself apart in the tiniest of pieces and collapse in on itself in the tightest of balls all at once.

“Imma give it to you, Mika. Imma make it happen. Mghhh – Shit – Fucking, take it!” Knowing that a hot load was imminent, the heels of her feet climbed the backs of his thigh, calves finding home around his rutting ass.

“Cum in me! Cum in me! Cum in meee – Ughhhh.” It was almost violent the way he exploded in her, semen splattering everywhere, covering every inch of pussy available, melting what it touched only to build it back with another spurt of boiling white cum filling every contactable crevice. He shattered in her and she exploded all over him. The depth and intensity of which her body burned held not a single candle to her first two orgasms. Muscles stiffening, joints, completely locking up, she was fully taken, wholly entranced by the ferocious ripping of her entire being.

Mikasa held no control as her body convulsed, pelvis gyrating, pussy seizing as juice continued to erupt from it, splattering against his skin and reflecting back, hitting her stomach, dripping into her belly button, coding her thighs, mixing with his overflowing cum. Lips parted wide, they simply would not close as saliva leaked from tautly pulled corners, would not be quiet as she cried and writhed beneath him, as her legs crossed tightly and hauled him as steep as possible. Even with the untold euphoria of the moment, a gratification like she’d never been introduced to before, her subconscious still knew the prize was yet to be claimed.

Eons passed from when his dick began its fertilizing to when his moans and cussing petered out, yet Mikasa had no recollection of it, missing what she personally thought to be the best part of fucking him because it was almost impossible to find the surface through the hold of such tremendous rapture. She very well could have died for all she knew, crashing into the afterlife along a chaotic cacophony, the blistering light of entry diminishing the further in she sank until winking out in nothingness.

But she wasn’t alone.

Revival was a sharp pain in her shoulder, jolting her consciousness with a weak whimper. Another nip at her deltoid made her aware of the weight on top of her, solid, hot, sticking to her, with the beat of a heart matching the unevenness of the one she had. Teeth sank into the delicate skin of her neck, forcing her limbs back to life. Hands in places that she didn’t remember leaving them settled on damp skin as her eyes blinked slowly. Something wet and slimy and – a tongue, her mind supplied – trailed the hinge of her jaw, all the way up to the shell of her ear.

“Mikasa.” Oh…His voice drew a shiver from her spine.

“Eren,” She sighed remembering where she was. Who was with her, still in her. Blinking at the ceiling as his breath grazed along her ear, her mind was contentedly blank, post-orgasmic bliss leaving her boneless and open to his affections. The kiss placed on her cheek was soft, lingering, but the hand that guided her face in his direction was much firmer. When their eyes met, Mikasa felt as though she was seeing Eren in a brand-new light.

Teeth sinking into her bottom lip, she waited, transfixed by him as he supposedly was by her. No words passed between them as he readjusted on an elbow, the fingers cradling her profile clearing away the sweat matted hairs that stuck to her forehead, learning the profile of her nose, tracing over drying lips, all before covering her neck, and bringing their faces together.

Eren’s hand is warm on her throat, fingertips applying the slightest pressure as his lips parted and poured his internal heat into her mouth. A kiss. A kiss. Eren was kissing her. He wanted to kiss her and did he. Despite the measured pace of his lips moving against hers, there was nothing hesitant in it. The smile that stretched his lips wide when she squeaked at his breaching had her heart rate picking up. Although she’d been smelling it all night, the taste of liquor on his tongue was surprisingly mild, like it had faded. Wouldn’t it be crazy if he got drunk on her as much as she was on him? Mikasa was unequivocally intoxicated.

The smell in the air, his skin melting into hers, the taste of him combing over her tastebuds, the measured way he kissed her, taking his time like he wanted to know her as intimately up top as he now knew her lower lips. Sensual in how his tongue played with hers, licking up one side then another, pushing it deeper, digging so far past it she almost chokes. When she tried to turn away, tilt her head just a little bit for air, the pressure of his fingers grew, halting any effort, holding her in place. If her mouth couldn’t swallow the growing excesses of spit, then it could push it out the tight seal he made against her lips. It quickly cooled as it dribbled down facial pores, gluing the skin he had pressed to the base of her jaw and neck.

Every wince she gave added to his grip, every sigh she gave filtered right into his mouth, every whine brought by his teeth taking in her bottom lip lifted the corners of his. Spit clung to Eren when he finally parted from her. Left helplessly breathless, it was genuinely the most erotic kiss Mikasa had ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Was kissing Eren always like this? Wrapped up in intimacy with generous helpings of sensuality and dashes of – of something she could quite place?

“You’re so beautiful like this, Mika,” he breathed through her open lips. The compliment kept her mind from foolishly wondering what it would be like to have such a thing regularly even though it knew that this surprising occurrence would be the only time.

“Like what?”

“Fucked out because of me.” Her cheeks bloomed anew. “Like I’ve made you completely mine.” Her gaze averted at that, afraid he might see just how sickeningly much she was. “Well maybe not completely,” he murmured darkly, fingers finding her jawline again, indenting the sides of her chin to turn it back his way. “No one else will see you like this but me, right?” With her lips puckering like a fish, Mikasa could only shake her head. “I want to hear it.” She was quick to oblige in jumbled acquiescence.

“No one else can make me like this but you.” Eren grinned closing the short distance to kiss her again, hand keeping her face still, keeping her as he liked, and she liked whatever he liked and this…this was an experience. Tongue darting out, he wet her top lip teasingly, then the bottom before tipping between them just enough to get hers to come out to play. He shocked her further by capturing it between his own glistening lips, sucking it in as deeply as he could.

Mikasa was left panting, her heart rate quickening as she felt his tongue twist around hers, the grooves of his lips massaging up the fibers her tongue until they slipped past the tip, relinquishing but not freeing. Being free wasn’t something she wanted in this instance.

“Open,” he commanded lowly, lips barely moving as his pointer finger tapped her chin. Her poor, abused pussy clenched so tightly Eren gave an open-mouthed moaned, but she couldn’t help it when saliva, clear with little air bubbles rolled down his tongue, sliding the short distance to her own. She probably could have orgasmed again feeling warm spittle make it to the back of her mouth, throat gulping it down greedily. The hold her hands had on him tightened, a throaty moan sounded when he harshly spit the rest inside, before kissing her again.

How he could manage to turn her on again was beyond Mikasa, but there was no questioning the heat in her belly as her collarbone and sternum noted the head and heart lines of his palm; the soft tissue of her breast getting acquainted with the fate and life lines as he covered one, fingers digging in, fondling and squeezing.

“Perfect tits,” he uttered between kisses, between breaths. A chuckled dropped into his mouth when she pushed her chest into his large hand, clearly wanting more and Eren so kindly obliged her. She couldn’t help the little noises fed straight into his mouth as he pinched a hard nipple, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger, tugging on it. There’s nothing left for Mikasa to hide when her mouth is freed, heavy breaths and whiney moans saturating the air again as his lips familiarized themselves with her clavicle, tasting the salt on her skin, teeth finding any flesh it could.

Why was he so bitey?

There was no doubt of the marks and subsequent bruises that would be left to pattern her body, but the thought had Mikasa more in love. Her hands wandered his physique as he had hers, one settling into his hair at the first wet swipe over the engorged tit he’d been entertaining himself with, the other touching what muscle it could, nails digging at his skin in time with each twitch of her cunt.

When Mikasa touched herself to visions of what was happening at this exact moment, she always found a hand on her breast while the other played between her legs. The heightened pleasure, soft but intent, that came with tweaking and swirling her nipples always helped her orgasm. What she’d never been made privy to was that she could come from nipple play, from stimulation only to her sensitive little peaks. It was like Eren was pushing buttons, flipping switches. Every little thing he did, laving and slobbering over her heavy mounds, teeth drawing squeals when they bit and rolled her tits, switching the attentions of his hands and mouth between her blushing flesh all made her pussy twitch and flutter and quaver.

Maybe it was how sensitive she already was. Perhaps it could have been that she felt him growing hard inside her again, her body’s reactions causing ones in his. Whatever the reason, she came from his work and it was different, not quite in her cunt but starting from her bellybutton and spooling out to her cunt and toes and fingertips that were crushing him to her chest, probably suffocating him as gentle waves of pleasure took her. From the peak all the way to the valley was how it rocked her and when her eyes fluttered open after coming down, contentment washed over her.

“Did you just come from that?” Eren shifted into her vision, interest written all over his features. She twitched at the movement inside.

“Yes.”

“Huh…I didn’t know that was possible.”

I’ve never done that before, so neither did I.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Good. I bet they’ll be even more responsive once your hormones begin to change.” Mikasa flushed, but he remained captivated. “Your glands will get full, and you’ll lactate to feed the baby. I could make you come even harder while getting a taste of your milk.” How did he say such things as that so cavalierly she almost asked but Eren was up pushing himself, causing a harmonious moan from them both as he pulled out. Was he done? Finally ready to rest? Yanking the skewed pillow from underneath her bum, he used her confusion to roll her over.

“Can you get on your knees?” He had her full attention when she twisted to stare over her shoulder, his dick – erect – glinting clear and milky white.

“Again?” Large hands positioning at the base of her hips, he yanked her up, giving her knees no choice but to offer support to her hind.

“I want to be sure, even if it takes all night. Plus, I can get deeper like this.” This man. This fucking man…nevermind that her back concaved further, knees inching apart to accommodate him between them.

“You really want to go agaaaaain,” she tapered off, moaning as he eased back inside her. Were anyone else around, they would’ve winced at how nasty it sounded, but fuck if it didn’t make her hips wiggle, make her lips part as his dick filled her pussy for a third time that night, going and going and going. He was right. It was impossibly deeper like this. Her toes curled up at the pressure into her cervix. “Eren…”

“Look at how this greedy little pussy sucks me in.” The awe in his voice was lost on her while she was busy whimpering and keening into a pillow, hoping for more despite the fatigue inching its way in. Mikasa knew she wanted him, wanted this no matter what. Her legs tremored as Eren got back to his mission, knees sliding on the soiled sheets when she pushed back against him. It was so deep. Her cunt was a hot spring for his cock to steep in. Knowing he touched her like this, reached depths within she had no idea existed, was going to leave more of himself in those places untouched by anyone else… Mikasa was utterly moonstruck as he fucked her, crying out with each brutal thrust through her sloshing wetness, not a single thought of anything but the rhapsodical pleasure he so willingly gave.

“Want everyone to see your baby belly and know I’m the one who did it to you.” The image bloomed in her mind, people smiling at her large belly and congratulating her – them both on how well he bred her – to background of his hips repeatedly smacking her cum covered ass.

“You’re gonna have a new Yeager in you when I’m done, Mikasa.”

“Mhmmm.” A big Yeager was rearranging her guts to make room for a little one? Yes, please. The control he’d taken over her hips made it difficult to meet his onslaught with her own enthusiasm, to take the assault on her cunt with any semblance of grace. Ugh, he was just so girthy, so heavy as he continued to carve her out and make space for his progeny.

“Imagine how gorgeous you’ll look when I fuck you like this and our kid is hanging down there your stomach.” She could see how her back would bow, stomach hanging low and heavy and swaying with each pump of his fat cock, an even bigger fountain of slick gurgling from her cunt as it sought to be filled again despite already being fertilized. Mikasa knew Eren could do it, knew he could give it to her. She’d beg for it if the brutal pace at which he pummeled her pussy, hitting a spine-numbing spot, hadn’t made it impossible to do anything other than joyfully take it. She’d beg that he plant his seed again, give her another piping hot load of cum deep within her womb, make everything he was saying true.

The thoughts played into her heightened sensitivity, her body not taking long to become a live wire under his ministrations, insanely turned on with his statements, his gruff curses and grunts activating some unknown response to raise her ass higher, press her tits further into the covers. Orgasm hit her like a freight train, not unexpected, but forceful enough to nearly destroy her. Mikasa wasn’t typically loud during sex, but as Eren fucked her into the mattress, she couldn’t help but wail, almost scream, at the violent squirting soaking the sheets again, coating her thighs, making her pelvis jerk with each jet stream.

“Muh – My little shits are gonna be birthed from this pussy!” Eren didn’t slow as she came all over his cock. He didn’t stop, didn’t falter. “You’re gonna make such a good mommy.” Rutting vigorously, beating her shit harshly, he decimated her cunt with powerful strokes that grew more frantic by the minute. “Then I’ll make sure there’s a second right after. Then a third.” There was only so far Mikasa’s toes could curl, only so many times her shins could thwack the bedding, only so tightly she could cling to a pillow. Her cervix may never close again. “Fuck, you’re gonna be so hot, Mika. So fucking hot.”

Too much didn’t cover the overload stripping her of completely of her mind, leaving nothing but flesh, nothing but a cunt being ruthlessly fucked into, fatty tissue sent through the same pattern of vibration, a membrane of skin imbued with nerve endings set off with every abrasive rub of the bedding, both solid and liquid as sweat filled every pour, as water conquered her eyes. She barely computed the sounds of her owns sobs, of her own shuddering, stilted breaths, until long after the onslaught broke, Eren’s voice in her ear,

“Are you okay? Mika?” Turning her profile towards him, he forced her eyes to open, his concerned expression breaking through her watery vision. In the time it took for her to catch her breath, he touched tenderly brushing her skin as he moved hairs away from her face. She vaguely wondered what she must look like to him, what he thought of the quivering, red mess he’d made of her. It was no exaggeration on her part when she confirmed to him that no one else had ever made her like this. Because she had no idea sex could be like this, that it could feel… good wasn’t enough to describe it. Was it because it was him doing these things to her or was it because he had enough experience to know what to do?

It didn’t matter, not really. Not when she suddenly found herself remembering a situation a few years ago when Eren was named father of a hookup’s baby, an accusation to which he vehemently denied and was right about. The way he pleaded to her that it wasn’t true, got mad when she suggested that he consider the possibility after coming to confide in her. He didn’t leave messes was what he said, always wrapped up or pulling out. There was no chance of that happening, and she believed him despite asking for her own sanity.

Perhaps he didn’t leave messes because they were little insignificant things compared to the state he’d left her in, semen all down her legs, caked up on her ass, slopping from her pussy. Maybe a mess was a one-time thing like backshots, cleaned up after the fun was over, whereas, here, Eren was actively trying to do it a third time in wake of the first and second, had promised to do it all night if he had to. She was being allowed a privileged none other had received and wanted to see it through to the end no matter how overexerted her body told her it was.

“‘M okay.” His palm gathered more sweat as it smoothed around her shoulder blades.

“Sure? You can tell me if it’s too much, love.” Love? Love…

“Never better. I’ve never been better.” Mikasa smiled weakly but so sincerely that he returned it, brushing her cheek. “I want you to cum in me again, fit one more load inside me.”

“I am. I am,” he huffed in amusement, laying himself over her just enough to feel a hint of his weight. “Just want to make sure you’re alright.” A sigh escaped her lips as he began again, slowly, cock dragging through her sodden heat. A sigh of his own escape when she clenched around him, his breath hitting her neck, his moist lips on her shoulder, his teeth nicking her skin as he found pace again at an angle that was a little easier for her to handle.

His groans were the most alluring songs playing right into her. His promises filled her head. They were so close like this, closer than they’d ever been before and only to get closer still, at least one more time. Mikasa wanted Eren, wanted this. A particularly hard thrust had her seeing stars and sparked an idea, one that had her hold loosening from the pillow and sneaking into the little space maintained between her hips and the mattress. Pushing her ass up to his plunging cock, her knuckles grew moist and dewy after brushing the pooling spot of slick and cum on the bedcovers before feeling out what she was looking for. The moan Eren let out was so loud when her fingers managed to graze his hanging balls.

“M – Mika?” His cadence stuttered for moment before change altogether, short, quick pumps becoming longer and grinding strokes. She had to remind herself not to squeeze too hard as she rolled the soft, wrinkled sack in her palm, massaging.

“Wanna b – be sure, right,” she responded. “C’mon. You can do it, Ren. Breed me! Flood my pussy!” It only took a little bit on fondling, of tender pressure and tugging, while he rung her dry to undo him.

“Hngh, yeah, Mika. Take this nut. Fuuuuckk.” She could feel him cumming in her beaten insides and in her hand. She could hear him. Out the corner her eyes, she could see him. As more sperm rushed in, what's left of the last load was sliding down her thighs, dripping down his balls, running over her fingers to further soil the sheets. Mikasa was completely spent and warm as he laid on top of her. Eren just might’ve been so as well, finally, when he rolled them to their sides, keeping her cunt plugged. They were so dirty. The bedding was absolutely soiled.

It was pure, unfiltered impulse to wipe her hand on a clean stretch of the duvet before bringing it up between her lips. A pleased and sleepy hum floated when salty cum and musky flavors settled over a sluggishly licking tongue. They tasted like this…

“Stop that,” she heard murmur, not far from her ear, voice low and sedate. “You’re gonna make me want to fuck you again.” Mikasa didn’t listen, intent on savoring the taste. This would be the only time. “Gonna make me want to fuck you forever.” She really did love him. All of him. “Best pussy I’ve ever had.” The thought made her newly discovered ego purr as her muscles finally relaxed fully.

Fuck, I love you.

When Mikasa woke up in the morning, it took her a moment to gather her bearings, to acknowledge how uncomfortable she felt, sticky and musky. The aches and pains in her body caused a sharp intake of breath accompanied by a hard wince when she sat up, but the physical pain quickly became background noise to the realization that the other side of the bed was empty. She was alone.

Suffice to say she wasn’t surprised at that, but it didn’t stop her from staring at the empty sheets for an undetermined time. It didn’t keep her from checking her phone that revealed the time was well into the afternoon rather than any notifications from him. Nor did it keep her from easing to the floor and hobbling from the room, ignoring the secretions and crust on her thighs and backside. The living room was empty and so was the kitchen and the guest room and the entire apartment for there was no one there but her. Eren was gone. He’d left.

Her swollen lips pressed together, throat struggled to swallow the tangy spit that had gathered in the bottom of her mouth, the memories of last night flitting through her head. All the things he’s said, the things she’d said, that they did…of course, it would come to this. She knew from the start it would come to this, that it would come to goodbye. Perhaps she should have said that last night above all else. It didn’t matter. It was over now. They were over and sure their friends and family would wonder why and Eren might be kind enough to keep her shame between them; but if there was a… baby…would their child be privy to what a horrid person their mother was? Would they be spared the reason why their father looked at their mother with contempt? Could she actually stomach such a look from Eren for the rest of their lives?

It didn’t matter whether she could or not. It was a consequence of her actions that she would have to live with. She knew that. Mikasa knew that. The feeling of numbness settling comfortably within her chest, Mikasa slowly made her way back to the bedroom and began to remove the evidence of everything she’d ever wanted, by pulling the soiled sheets from the mattress. The thought passed through her head on whether they should be trashed instead of enduring multiple wash cycles. Did she want to look at these and be reminded?

The matching pillowcases followed the linens into a hamper before she sprayed down what was left behind. She had to get rid of the smell, wash away the scent of her and him and them, yet no matter how much fabric and air freshener perfumed the room. It clung to her, enveloped her. Mikasa didn’t want to lose it forever just yet. She didn’t yet want to be rid of Eren’s fingerprints on her body, the bruises he left, the teeth marks indented in her skin, the hickeys, the dried spit, the caked-up cum. If it hadn’t taken root, if no baby was forming in her womb, this would really be all she’d have left of him.

Still, she made her way into the adjoining bathroom, the image of herself in the vanity mirror freezing her in place, the thin, protective veneer of numbness she built amassing a tear through it. The outline of his hands decorated her arms and hips. Marks varying from red to purple dotted her breasts, shoulders, and neck. If she turned to the back, the amount of crust on her backside would be fully visible. This was Eren all over her. Perhaps soap and water wouldn’t wash it all away, but time would.

Her physical examination was suspended by the ringing of her phone and for a few short seconds the discomfort she felt was so negligible that Mikasa was able to hurry and run to the nightstand where the device lay. Keeping detachment from the situation firmly in place was getting harder as it turned out to be a telemarketer. It should’ve been obvious it wasn’t him, since it wasn’t the ringtone they picked out together.

It continued to ring as she returned to the mirror, the flash on the back flickering in tandem with its vibrations until the call went to voicemail. The idea it put in her head was as poor as all the other ones she’d had in the past twenty-four hours but there was nothing left to lose, no one else to be harmed but her every time she looked at them. Arms shaking as they rose, Mikasa angled her phone just before swiping the screen with a trembling thumb before pressing down.

She didn’t blink when the light pierced her pupils for less than a millisecond. Nor did she the second, third, or fourth times the flash caught them. When she looked down at her work all Mikasa could think about was how Eren had said she looked beautiful like this and why in each shot her expression was so incredibly sad. Did she look like that when he paid her the compliment? No, she couldn’t imagine that she did. Locking the phone before she could delete the evidence of all she ever wanted, it was left on the counter in favor of running a bath. A soak would soothe her between her legs, at least.

The water ended up nearly overflowing as she stared at it running endlessly from the faucet.

A hiss whistled between her teeth, the water burning her already sensitive skin as she lowered herself in.

The silence that sat in her apartment had become its loudest as she sat with her knees hugged to her chest.

Mikasa genuinely wanted to crumble, to dissolve into the water and let herself down the drain. It would save her from the tangled knot pulling in all directions, threatening to take her apart, and not in the same way she’d come apart multiple times last night. There could be a baby developing in her. It was all they talked about while doing…the deed. The things she’d said…did he remember them? Did he remember the things she did? Did he leave because she fucked him while he was drunk or because he was disgusted by all that happened, by her, by her eager actions? Would she ever know or would that bridge stay burned?

While she’d been reluctantly prepared to have less of Eren in her life, she didn’t expect him to take it so poorly that he’d basically throw an all or nothing ultimatum at her without giving a chance for her to pick an answer. It was him through and through, not doing anything halfway and seeing things through to the end. He wouldn’t stand for half a friendship and effectively saw its end.

Until he came back.

At the time she didn’t see it as the opportunity it clearly was yet she still capitalized on it anyway. Maybe it was because all she’d ever dreamed about since being a little girl was her and Eren taking care of real babies instead of dolls. Maybe it did come down to how desperate she was to meet the life goals that were being eased from her grasp by the one person she wanted to help her meet them. Maybe she decided to fuck him, to let him cum in her repeatedly because she didn’t want to lose him fully.

He might hate her for trapping him, for taking advantage of him, but if she was pregnant, there would always be a child between them, keeping them attached, keeping them together no matter what direction they went in no matter if he decided to be present or not. Maybe she needed someone to assuage her feelings of failure and he was there not only making them disappear but also getting to the root of the problem and taking care of it, however temporary the solution was. Maybe it was all those reasons. Maybe it was none of them.

In the end, it didn’t matter why she did it, only that she did and none of those reasons could truly justify it or make Eren or anyone looking from the outside feel “better.” It was unforgivable, but Mikasa would rather lose him from some unforgivable action of her own than watch him walk away the way he did because of some person outside of their relationship. If there was an option where they could remain untouched, she would take it in a heartbeat. Mikasa would rather not lose Eren at all, but having what you wanted in life was a rarity, a privilege that she’d never be good enough to be given.

However, they had long since been unsustainable. She’d been told at every turn, seen the evidence for herself; still, she held on until her hand cramped and muscles spasmed, begging her to let go. It should’ve been easy in the face of her dreams getting equally hard to hold on to. She couldn’t have them both. Even with the mess she’d made, she would only get half of a half. That’s if they’d succeeded. That’s only if there was a baby.

Then all of this, the last few months of dating endlessly, lessening her time with Eren, bitterness between them that followed, the shame from her parents, the judgment from their friends who already saw just how pathetic she was before she truly knew the lengths she’d go to, it would all be worth it. Her moment in the blazing sun that was Eren would be worth it. One time would be enough. One night just being able to know would be enough. It was so funny how Eren had been so unwilling to jeopardize their places in each other’s lives and she’d been ready to toss them both off a cliff at a moment’s notice.

God, she was stupid. So fucking stupid.

The laugh that bubbled from inside was unbidden but it came all the same. Mikasa hated herself for the tears that followed because what right did she have to be upset? To cry about this as if it wasn’t her own doing? As if she didn’t have to lay in the bed she made whatever the outcome may be. There was fully acknowledging how horrible a person you were in the act, then there was realizing just what that meant in hindsight. Pulling herself more tightly together, her forehead pressed to her knees. There was no use in crying, she told herself, biting into her lip to keep detachment from shattering altogether, although it might’ve been too late for that.

“You’re up.” Mikasa’s neck cracked from flying up so fast, the deafening silence brought only by solitude had been broken and she hadn’t even heard anyone come in, let alone realize that someone had entered the apartment. Just like last night, Eren was the last person she expected to see, but there he was just outside the open doorway to the bathroom in the same clothes from yesterday, looking particularly disheveled. She couldn’t find a single thing to say as she stared up at him clearly in disbelief. “I didn’t mean to be gone so long,” he stammered gaze flickering away from hers for the briefest of moments before holding fast.

He didn’t mean to be gone so long? As in he had every intention of coming back? A hand came up to rub at the back of his neck when she remained speechless.

“I – uh, went to the place on fifth you like. It was packed by the time I got there, and they were out of those cinnamon croissant roll things with the cream cheese filling you liked but when I said it was for you, they made a fresh batch on the house. Although, I also might’ve told them you hadn’t been in for awhile because you’ve been sick so they’re kind of ‘get well soon’ pastries. Just thought you should know for next time you go there if they bring it up.”

And he went to get food. Specifically, something she loved. Her favorite. Her mind was racing on a treadmill, going absolutely nowhere trying to figure out just what was going on because –

“Why?”

“Why…what? There’s a lot of things you could be asking why about.” He wasn’t wrong. Why did he leave, why did he come back, why did he get her food, why was he here, why did he say those awful things to her last night, why was he trying to act normal after everything? Objectively, Mikasa knew she should be happy that he was there, happy that he was trying to extend an olive branch or whatever the hell he was doing especially after being in the middle of thinking about how big a fuck-up she was and lamenting how he’d never look at or treat her the same. Was this not weird? Should she not be confused by this? Unable to bear staring at him further once the initial astonishment wore off Mikasa turned to examine the unevenness of the tile grout, head finding her knees once more.

“I don’t know,” she murmured. The tension stretched on several long moments before he uttered lowly,

“Do you want me to go?” Body tensing at the question, Mikasa bit her lip to keep in what wanted to burst out. Wanted him to go? Never. She wanted him to stay forever, to never leave her, even though she had tried to leave him. She was a hypocrite too, it seemed. Muscles softening, her torso sagged into her legs. How quickly she’d accepted he had left for good when she woke. It never occurred to her that he would be back, at least not so soon and without choice words.

To be honest, she wasn’t prepared to face him. She could barely face herself, and maybe that was why she couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want him to look back at her. She didn’t want to be seen, to be perceived. But she didn’t want him to leave either. What was she to do? Tears pooled in her eyes again. Dammit!

Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

“Mika?”

“It’s up to you,” she blurted, immediately wondering if her voice was steady enough. “Stay or go if you want, but please lock the door if you leave. I think I’ll be back here for awhile.”

“Lock the door? I meant the bathroom since you’re…nude. I’m not – I’m not leaving, leaving.”

“Why?!” Mikasa cried at him, hair flying as she turned. “You wanted to leave yesterday. You – you didn’t want anything to do with me.” She hid her face again just as quickly as it was revealed, determined to not let Eren see her cry. Fuck, she wasn’t trying to remind him or make him angry again. “It doesn’t matter,” was her hasty correction. “Stay if you want to. You…you’ve seen it all anyway.” Her best and now her very worst.

Hoping that he went away, at least from the bathroom so she could gather herself for whatever he wanted to say because he must’ve had something to say if he was insistent on being here after the night they shared, Mikasa made herself as small as possible, as if she’d suddenly change colors to become invisible or blend in with the tub and tile. Neither of those things happened just as Eren didn’t go like she hoped. Still, he didn’t say anything else as he moved, doing whatever. She didn’t know and didn’t care to know.

Until the water in the tub began shifting.

Mikasa, once more, found herself unable to do anything but gawk as Eren did as he pleased. Just like always. Evidently, staying meant getting just as naked as her and settling across from her on the other side of the bath. Throughout their lives together, she often wondered how he always managed to be so bold, to say what was on his mind regardless of what others might think, to do what he wanted no matter what anyone else said, to be so unapologetically himself. The only giveaway that he may not have been as confident as he portrayed himself to be was the redness tinting ears and cheeks, but it didn’t stop him from searching her out, a softness to his green eyes that she’d always known was only for her.

What did the look he wore mean?

“Y’know, when our parents decided we were too old to take baths together, I was livid,” he commented, an awkward smile playing on his lips.

“I remember.” The fuss he kicked up was one that took forever to settle and no matter how many times their parents explained why, Eren still didn’t get it but eventually accepted things because they clearly weren’t going to change back. Of course, they were children then, but seeing her as a female, a girl, a woman had been outside his purview in the years that would follow. Did his comfort here and now mean that despite last night, his views remained firmly planted? Even if, by some miracle, their friendship remained intact, he’d have to see why their relationship needed some platonicness to it. “Eren –

“I’ve got some spare clothes in my drawer, right?”

“I…yeah. I think you have a pair of sweatpants in there. I’ll wash the clothes from yesterday if you want.”

“I can do it. You don’t have to do that.” He didn’t mind her washing his clothes before.

“Okay.” What was happening here?

“I stopped at the drugstore too while I was out,” he supplied not a moment later, seemingly determined to not let the silence linger. Eren was never a fan of quietness, doing his best to fill it if he could help it. “I know it’s too soon to tell – we’d have to wait at least two weeks – but I bought a box of pregnancy tests.” Her lips fell open, eyes blowing just as wide. Did that mean…Did that mean he –

“I also bought a morning after pill. If you would prefer that to the tests.” At this, he looked away from her for the first time, shoulders hunching.

“Which one would you prefer,” Mikasa found herself blurting out, heart in her throat because she knew Eren, and she knew his body language like it was her own, but she didn’t want to assume, didn’t want to take any more liberties, didn’t want to hurt or make an even bigger fool of herself. He shook his head, only sparing her glance as his fingers sought to occupy with scooping up water to watch it trickle out.

“It’s your body. You’re the one who gonna be carrying a baby – if there is one – for nine months. I mean, I’ll be there to help with whatever you need, but you’ll still be doing the heavy lifting, so it’s your choice. It’s whatever you choose.” Mikasa knew exactly which option she wanted, the option she’d likely go with no matter what he said, but the urgent need to understand the looks, confirmation of what the body language meant.

“I want what you want.”

“Then I want what you want.” Eren winced, the words not sounding right even to his own ears.

“Wasn’t I clear enough last night?” If the desperation was starting to leak into her tone, he didn’t seem to notice.

“Wasn’t I?”

“You were very heavily intoxicated last night and…and we had a big fight before that.”

“Mikasa…”

“Can’t you just say it,” she pleaded. “Why – Why do I have to be the one to say it? Can’t you do it this time? Please?” She didn’t want to have to wonder about this, thinking herself in circles, overanalyzing every gesture, every word, every expression. Sighing, Eren moved, the water sloshing as he closed the space between them, all the way until his legs bracketed hers, feet on either side of her bum.

“If there is not a baby baking by the time you take those tests, we’re gonna try again and again until there is.” Mikasa blinked rapidly.

“Oh. Okay.”

“That’s…fine with you, then?” Bravado all but disappearing, Eren looked at her shyly but earnestly. It was boyish, a look so reminiscent of the kid she originally fell in love with. Just a little, she let herself sag with relief, willing her mind to calm the flurry of things his pledge implicated.

“Yes. More than.”

#eremika #fanfics #fic recs

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