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Train Of Thought - Still/Grace

Many times have passed since I have been this still, with no sound and no distraction. It’s about to storm, and the long-awaited rains and soft thunders follow a time of heartfelt worship and demonstration of faith. 

Lord, have your way in me.

It is times like these, times of incomprehensible peace I feel after surrendering all I am to the Father, that manifest the realness of the Holy Spirit. 

Peace is what I feel, but something doesn’t sit right in my heart. I sense the brokenness of those I live with and those of the world I don’t. It leaves my chest feeling empty, and my being feeling useless and helpless. But just as the lightning brings light to this whole place for a split moment, so the joy of my salvation fills my soul just enough to keep me moving, stable, and faithful. 

Some days are harder than others. Some days I desperately need more grace than usual to live. But I thank God that he already knows ahead of time, and he never runs out of grace, and he delights in me and in showing me his grace because he knows it draws me closer to him. 

grace, upon grace, upon grace, upon grace.

This is grace to live, to be. I have received grace to think, to admire the Spirit’s ways of working (and how unexpectedly I encounter him!), to mess up a lot, to debate, to wrestle with my thoughts. The grace of God goes beyond what you or I could ever come up with. It reaches much, much farther than I imagined, and I still can’t understand it. I never will. 

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Oh My Goodness

I’m going to try my best to talk about ‘goodness’ because that’s what seems to be on my mind today.

But I have no idea where to start. ‘Good’ is thrown around so much that it often loses its meaning. So I guess I’d like to break it down, in hopes to understand the way my mind engages this word. 

“That song is really good”

“Our conversation was good”

“God is good”

You could use ‘good’ to describe a song. The emotions it evokes, the way the bass makes you feel, and the lyrics that touch your very existence. You may find this goodness elsewhere; in the passenger seat of a jeep, in front of your fireplace on Christmas morning, or falling asleep watching a movie with your friends. This is a temporary goodness, a momentary euphoria that may follow you through the day, or it may even endure for years. Nonetheless, it is passing, and you are aware of it. 

The ‘good’ used to describe a conversation or a moment does not invariably depend on feeling. This brand of goodness can be extremely difficult, even uncomfortable. But it is rewarding to the soul. I would say necessary for progression and deepening of knowledge, relationships, or maturity. This is something you will need to lay down a piece of yourself for. Your pride or independence. It can be brutal, but it is worth it. 

Then there is the goodness of God. It is innate to the Father. This ‘good’ cannot be measured, nor expressed by the finite human. It endures through unspeakable tragedies and unfair circumstances and therefore requires trust. It is so unexplainable that even following the death of a friend, a person can look upon the darkest of nights and say aloud, “God is good”. All degrees of goodness flow from it, as every good and perfect gift is from above. It is something I will never understand, and I can never live without.

This is my shy and feeble attempt at grasping such an ambiguous concept. I hope it is good for someone. 

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At The Moment

I’m still in a hazy mindset, wondering if any of this is real. But by the abundant grace of God, it is. 

For these eight weeks, I am living with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins. I am so thankful for their love and hospitality. I have never been very close to anyone in my family besides my parents and sister, so having to live with them is a new experience, apart from the internship. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but with time, I believe, it will be very rewarding. To give you a little glimpse into my world at the moment, my cousin Jacob just graduated high school this month, and he’ll be attending UMSL this fall. We’re very similar, and he’s the closest person I’ve had to a brother. Jacob and I are both introverts and musicians, unlike the rest of our family. My other cousin, Ethan, will be a sophomore this fall. He’s a little bit of a turd, for lack of a better term, but he’s also very funny. Both my aunt and uncle are loud. My uncle inadvertently yells when he speaks, and my aunt will just talk your ear off. I find myself in my room a good portion of the evenings for obvious reasons. 

Today was the first day of my internship.

The best way I can describe it is organized chaos. It is a pleasantly relaxed environment, ironically very fast-paced. The guy I’m shadowing, Brad, talks fast. I try to absorb as much as I can. The label consists of a few people working in a small house. It’s very charming. Today I met Kyle and Xander (who primarily do digital marketing and data analysis for the artists), Gabby, and Eddie. I don’t have a designated position that binds me to certain tasks, much like everyone else. I’m looking forward to a versatile experience. This week looks very busy. Although I’m only supposed to come in on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesday, I think I’ll be working every day this week. 

Things are wild at the moment, but I find myself leaning into Christ. I know that I try to be fiercely independent; there is something about being dependent on somebody that makes me uncomfortable, especially when I am so unworthy to receive anything from a being that is unfathomable and omnipotent - the Creator God. But in the midst of this newness and unfamiliar area, He is revealing a love that is comforting and keeps me sane. 

So at the moment, I am okay.  

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Looking Ahead

It used to be frightening to look ahead. 

All my life I’ve been looking ahead. This is the way my mind, and many others’, works. Of course, I get stuck in one moment of humiliation, pain, or bliss from my past at times, but for the most part, thinking about the future is almost an hourly occurrence.

It is both a blessing and a tremendous burden to think so heavily (every part of me is hoping that doesn’t sound too pretentious) about the utterly unknown. It has been a benefit in planning for college, what I want to do, where I want to be, etc. I speak with some people my age who have no idea, and it scares the hell out of me. Though it has perks, speculating about the future has greatly contributed to my anxiety. It’s fun to theorize about where I will be in the next five years, but what about my parents? Or my sister? Or my friends? Will any of them still be around? Will I falter, and end up homeless? Will I never be married? You can see the irrational rabbit hole of where my mind takes me.

This summer I won’t be home. I have an internship in the Nashville area, a true dream. Actually, I start a week from today! So for the past few weeks, all I have been thinking about is this internship. I am excited, but I can’t shake this feeling of overwhelming intimidation. “Don’t worry, you’ll do great!” is momentarily comforting, but there is always the possibility of not doing great. Nonetheless, I will be in a new environment. I can look at this as an opportunity for exploration and learning, rather than daunting, uncharted territory. 

Something I have come to realize this past year, yet need to be reminded of daily, is that there is not just one path for your life. So many believe in fate - I don’t. I believe that preference is a gift from God. I do not believe that there is a single course that He has designed for your life, and if you decide to take a step in another direction, you’re screwed. This is the way I lived my life for 18 years. This way is exhausting. It will keep you frightened of the unknown, or at least it has me. I think surrounding yourself with good people helps. I have found amazing people to remind me of this. 

Because of this revelation, I have made plans for next year that I would have never done before. 

Now it is breathtaking to look ahead.