emmth

[emmth]

You showed up out of nowhere, became my favorite notification, and then just left. With no warning. The space I’d made for you in my heart is now empty. I don’t know what to do with it. No one seems to be able to fill it.

You didn’t even say goodbye.

Then again, you never said hello either…

[emmth]

L'une chante, l'autre pas (Agnès Varda, 1977)

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[emmth]

one of the many reasons Fleabag is so heartbreaking and relatable is because no one ever chose her. Not her family. Not her lovers. Not her supposed “soulmate”. The one person that picked her died. She was no one’s choice or option, not even to herself. The way we can feel her loneliness through the screen is enough to make me collapse into a mess of tears on the ground and shake uncontrollably

[emmth]

when you grew up as a lonely uncool girl it will never stop haunting you by the way. you will meet a cool person at a bar or the train station or at a friend's party and you can wear your most stylish outfit and striking eye makeup and you will swear that they can see through all of the facade and see the lonely terribly insecure teenage girl you used to be who desperately wanted to connect and you will swear that they know that there is like an insurmountable gap between you. this will happen forever

[emmth]

probably needed a hug but instead distanced myself from everyone

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I always wanted to have cats. My parents never agreed. My mom would say, “we will end up loving them. Then if something happens it’d be too painful.”

I found it so silly. We can’t shelter ourselves from love, in case it hurts us one day.

…

These days, when for some unknown reason I push everyone away, I can’t help but wonder if the reason is not really unknown. If their words somehow slipped into my mind and buried themselves in there.

[emmth]

“sometimes i wonder, ”

• “wonder what? ”

“if being alive matters. if being dead might be a lot easier. ”

- thomas to newt, tst

[emmth]

Half of me wants to be unforgettable, the other half just wants to disappear for a while.

[emmth]

empty

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The worst part about being mentally exhausted is that no one can see it. Like, bro, I’m out here fighting for my life in my head.

[emmth]

I’m scared. The passage of time scares me. My own mind scares me. Never being content with my life scares me. I’m scared

[emmth]

And what if the only place I’ve ever felt truly happy, has been in my mind?

And what if the cause of all my pain is my mind?

What if it’s all just in my head?

[emmth]

The problem is, that somewhere along the way, while trying to please everyone, and be who they wanted me to be, I forgot who I actually am.

And I’m scared, cause I don’t know how to find her again.

[emmth]

“I am a day dreamer and a night thinker.”

— Unknown

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[emmth]