emmarealti

[emmarealti]

nothing hurt me more than this one night when i released i can not have my mommy anymore so i let her go

[emmarealti]

You don't have to force yourself to bounce back so quickly. I read something recently that said "when you come in from a rainstorm, you don't expect yourself to be dry and warm right away", and it really resonated with me. It's okay to take time to dry off and warm up. Take the time you need to process what happened to you.

[emmarealti]

i feel so unbelievably alone. i tried to write about this feeling. dance it out. talk it out. but it doesn't make sense. i have family and friends. i have myself. i speak to god. i love and laugh. i wake up in the morning and make breakfast, healthy one. i take my medications and listen to my body. i moved out and started new life. i study what i love and i do my own laundry. i give myself time to rest, take baths and light candles. i go out and drink, party but also stay at home to rest. i make new friends and cut one's that do not serve my anymore. i made everything i always wanted. i value myself and my life now. i speak to my inner child and i comfort her. i am so much stronger and my poems are not full of death anymore. why there is still this sadness in me? the one which makes me pick my skin and ruin my makeup. the one which makes me hold my own hands because they get so cold sometimes. i wish someone would look at me and be proud and would show me this. be proud that i am. because i am proud but since only trees could hear me cry, no living person know how close to death i was. and i feel guilty for needing such an attention, but sometimes this pain don't feel real. my scars are healing, my hair is growing, i smile more and i do not need therapy anymore. there is this egoistic want, was this pain even real if no one could hear about it?

[emmarealti]

i yearn for light and easy love. life was too hard for me, im done with things being complicated. if you want to know me, take my hand and kiss it. make me smile and sing. test new food with me and dance when noone is watching. be honest and true with me and i will melt for you.

[emmarealti]

[emmarealti]

[emmarealti]

this is literally me

[emmarealti]

today i was at graves and couldn’t stop thinking about the need to lay down between them and stare at the sky, to feel the dirt on my face and relax in my muscles as i finally rest

but i was proud of the fact than i stood up and left the graveyard to go to sleep in my own bed. the final rest is not going anywhere and living while respecting the death is the most painful and beautiful think to do. to had wanted to die so much that had to find enough reasons not to. to had been so deep so the only thing i could do was to love myself unconditionally.

[emmarealti]

,,it hit me so bad i had to start taking aswaganda”

ive been in survival mode for my whole life. never knew what was so wrong about me, but i felt like i am just not able to do some things, like it was harder for me to focus and like i never really wanted anything. i feel like i need to force myself to be. ive been trying to escape depression for almost 3 years now. i take antidepressants and mood stabilators, benzodiazepines for sleep but i still feel like those half a year of complete dissociation made a huge impact on who i am now. i remember wanting to kill myself when i was 9. i did not even know what suicide was, but fear was all i ever felt. it turned me into very complex and self aware woman. ive been suffering my whole life and i suffer everyday. i feel disconnected from my body, because it store so much trauma it had to shut down.

when i write it all it seems to be so sad. but i wake up every day and face the world with a hope in my heart. my life couldve been worst, i always had something to eat, a house, two parents. but acceptance was absent, and love felt like i had to earn it. and i was always not good enough for it. it is crazy how such a small things can fucked up a child for life.

i was and still am a really fragile kid. was sick all the time, had troubles with eating, sleeping etc. my mom almost died while birthing me. everything seems like i am not supposed to be here right now. and this is what i truly felt since i was little.

but since i got a chance, i have functioning body and pretty mind and soul i try to make the most of it. and maybe beacsue of my past i am convinced i have some business to do here on earth.

i used to be scared of someone knowing me, i was writing my dairy in ancient language, so noone could ever read my story. but now i am like, please see me, love me, feel inspired by me. read my books, listen to my music, see my face and love my heart. i am tired of keeping it all to myself.

everything flows, heraclitus said once.

if i want to give i have to take

if i want to be listened i have to speak

if i want to be understood i have to understand

it is never too much

if i want to love i have to be loved and to be loved is to be known

and if i want to be known i have to explain, so please ask me, hear me, i am open and honest

i am tired of keeping everything inside, of keeping my grave and temple lonely. please come in, light a candle, give me roses, kiss my cheek and cut me open if that means to be known i am ready to die again.

[emmarealti]

[emmarealti]

hi , i ve just got accepted to college and i am moving out :)

[emmarealti]

all this time i have been denying that who i am and how i feel affects my learning,work,future. as a child i was special,smarter,praised. i was a proud,good child. now i need to get to know myself again. not to require myself to be extraordinary in routine and mundane endeavors. the truth is that the chemical imbalance in my brain, self image problems, aggression and suffering make it difficult to be a good daughter. this applies to me as well. i was hurt and to the end i wanted to keep a good face. i thought i was indestructible, that with a little work i would have an equal chance as others. the truth is that the world is built on the illusion of simplicity, and to hold it, simple people have it easier. I am sorry that I let myself down. sorry that it is so hard for me to forgive myself for this. I am sorry that I am afraid of public speaking, that I want to hide in the shadows, when as a child I loved to present. loved to speak and win. unfortunately something in me has been extinguished and I have to come to terms with it. I'm sorry that I can't be incredibly smart and confident anymore. i really tried to play for illusion, but the hatred that rots in my heart has consumed my strength and for now i need to rest. I can't afford more, maybe in the other universe I never stopped being happy. maybe in the other world loneliness let go of my hand and allowed me to fulfill my dreams and realize my goals. I'm afraid I was never very good, above average - in anything. i miss being young and unstoppable

[emmarealti]

z toba latwo jest mi byc dobra

[emmarealti]

how to resist the need to get back in to the hole. i feel it around my spine and see it behind my feet as i step. how to acutallt live

[emmarealti]

i have different hair, i wear different perfumes. i try to go to sleep ealier and actually eat breakfast that is healthy. i try to take care of myself, i clean my room just for myself, i know i have to live because i promised this to myself. to always keep going

but

when o stay up for to long i feel like a teenager again. its like the whole world went quiet and i finally hear my thoughts. it gets scary and exhausting. stars feel to far away, there is no one to talk to but i find so much peace in it.

god i know that this stupid teenager that is inside of me will never fade away. but i let her appear at the nights like this. i welcome her and i let myself to feel this magic air of the 4 am, when everything is clear.

[emmarealti]

2 am, in the end is me and dog’s barking somewhere in the background. city is silent and no matter how old i am i will always appreciate late nights when i listen only to myself

[emmarealti]

im holding on but cant stop the feeling like there is no home for me.

i am kneeling, god please tell me there is a warm place with a love and chamomile smell

please god let me experience a peaceful night

please god be by my side