emilyelizabeth2294

[emilyelizabeth2294]

I’m Scared

It is no secret that my life has been a mess over the last few years. Thankfully, either through reading my writings, watching my Tiktoks, or simply talking to me, you would know that my life is also changing. 

Not only is my life changing, I am changing. I am growing.  

I will spare you some of the details but I am currently the best version of myself. That is very important to point out because for the last while, I have been the very worst version of myself. I am done denying it and I am done pretending. I am back to feeling good about myself. I am back to being picky about who I give my attention and time to. I am back to smiling at sunsets and dancing in the rain. I am back to living life to the beat of whatever song is stuck in my head at the time. I am back. 

BUT

With the good, also comes the bad. I only have two friends that I have really talked to about how good I am feeling because well, I am scared. I don’t want to jinx it. I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want to go backwards. 

I am scared. 

I know what it is like to live with my head in the clouds. Not because I am blissfully ignorant but because I am happy. I know what it is like to look at every situation and find the good and naturally focus on that good. I know what it is like to be able to smile and it not be a forced smile. 

I also know what it is like to live sad, feeling hopeless and praying that I don’t wake up in the morning. Feeling numb to the people around me and not caring if I contributed to their life or my life. 

I know how easy it is to go backwards and fall into that sadness. I do not want to go backwards. 

I am scared.

I don't want to pretend that, because life is going well, I am healing, and I am happy, that I don’t still have sad thoughts.

 I am a bundle of joy and energy with a sad core. 

It is how I am able to feel so deeply. It is who I am and there is no reason to deny it. Instead, I love it. For a long time I didn’t. The sensitive side of me that opens me up to getting hurt is the same side of me that aids me in loving so passionately. 

BUT

In order for me to fully love all sides of me and admit to all sides of me, I can not deny the part of me that has those sad thoughts. But what if? What if one day, without me even noticing, I slip back into that sad shell of a human with no desire to live life? 

I am scared.

I am scared and I do not have all the answers. All I know is that the part of me that is changing and growing says, I have to try. I might be scared but I can not let that fear be the thing that cripples me back into what I am scared of. 

My dad used to watch movies with me when I was younger and one of his favorite quotes from one of our favorite movies was, “Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game.” It is funny because I have always liked that quote but I have never fully applied it to my life until now. 

So if you are reading this, please know that I am happy and scared, all at the same time. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

To The Boy.. I’m Not Supposed To Like

Wow, with this title, I definitely had a, “I’m writing a Netflix movie” vibe and felt an overwhelming urge to go watch all of those movies. 

Anyway

This is a letter that I probably should not be writing, to a boy that I want to be mine but also don’t want to be mine. It’s complicated. Normally I would have talked myself out of writing this BUT I have now taken double dosage of melatonin and I am going to use that as my excuse for acting without thinking. 

Really though, I have been journaling A LOT today and realized that the theme of that journaling has been the importance of me learning to live a life where I am not living in denial about my feelings or thoughts. I have to admit what I am feeling or thinking in order to process and live an overall healthier life. (Next I am going to work on admitting those thoughts and feelings without telling the other person but I am not there yet).

So here it goes:

I think you are absolutely amazing and I really do hope that life is good to you. I hope you have all you desire and I hope you fall so deeply in love that you can’t even look back and remember a time when you were sad or lonely. 

It feels selfish and horrible to admit this but I wish that could be with me. 

I know it seems silly, like there is no way I could possibly feel the way I am writing and I get that. The thing is, I do. I remember the first time I saw you and then met you and how I felt. There were moments that I felt things but I pushed them away because I knew it was silly and stupid. I knew it was not a good idea. 

THEN.. then I got to know you. 

I saw different sides of you. So kind but also broken. So smart but also down to earth. I never really understood the word contagious until I came to know your laugh. 

Knowing you has changed me. It has taught me that it is going to be okay and that it is okay to believe that. You reminded me that I can be happy. 

I used to be so headstrong and independent. I did not give myself away so easily but I got stuck in a fear that I was no longer strong enough to survive. You helped me changed that mindset. You made me admit that I held onto a belief that was false. I have felt a piece of myself come back like I never thought possible. I no longer “love” in order to avoid being alone. 

I am strong. I am worth love and attention. I do have something to bring to the table. You helped me realize and admit that I do not hate myself but instead I was simply scared to love myself. For the first time in a while I don’t desire someones love and attention because I need it, but because I want it. That is the difference. My life does not lose meaning if I am not loved back. My life simply gets better if I am loved back. 

Again, I know I should not be writing this but I am anyway for two reasons. First, I want to thank you because you helped me find a piece of myself again and I like that version of me. Second, I want you to know that I care about you, more than I should. 

I have come to terms with the fact that I have made mistakes in life. Either done something I should not have or not done something I should have. Either way, I have worked really hard to not have regrets, but I do. I regret not saying something to you sooner. Maybe if I did, things would be different. Maybe not.

Regardless of what happens next, I just didn’t want to live a life where I left things unspoken anymore. 

I don’t know if you will even read this. I don't know if it will make you mad or if it will make you happy or if it will completely freak you out. I write about as passionately as I love so it can be scary. 

No matter what, I know that it’s going to be okay.

[emilyelizabeth2294]

A letter to that girl.

To the girl that has been lost for too long,

I remember when you used to be happy and love every aspect of life. Sunshine flew from your smile and hope from your eyes. Over the years, the cruelty of life has tried to take that away and in some moments, you simply gave up fighting and handed it over. 

I remember those nights that felt heavier than others. I saw the tears and felt the heartbreak. I watched your self worth mean so little to you and I watched you search for a new worth in every other area, but you didn't find one. 

I watched as you lost yourself. 

You gave up so much hope about your future. You stopped dreaming. Then one day, you met a boy. He showed compassion when you couldn’t find the strength to love yourself and he brought a light back into your life. He made you laugh and smile. Some moments you felt light, like a feather, and the world didn’t seem so dark anymore.

It wasn’t long before you were hooked and you started dreaming again. This time though, it was different. Instead of simply dreaming of everyday possibilities, you dreamt of a life, with this boy. You fell in love with him and soon that love consumed you. What once brought life back into your eyes, soon changed your vision. 

You love him, but I no longer believe you were in love with him. You were simply in love with the fantasy, the dream. You were in love with a life that you created in your head with a boy that did not see the same life. You lost yourself. You wouldn’t admit it but you did. 

You have held on to a boy and a life in your head for too long and in return you were left broken and numb. You were left accepting less than you deserve. Some moments have felt like you are left with nothing, after pouring so much time and effort into someone or something, but you aren’t. 

We don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to come into our lives and cross our paths for a reason. This boy had a purpose. You made it through a difficult time in your life and you found a friendship. The problems is, you lost yourself in the process. You wanted more than you were given and you tried to force something that was not wanted. 

Now is the important part. How are you going to let this change you?

How are you going to move forward from here? I will tell you how. You are going to remember that happy girl that could always dream of a better tomorrow. The girl that chooses to see the good in people. You know that people will most likely prove you wrong but you choose to give them that chance. You will continue to hope. You will not let this lesson change your heart. You will heal. 

You will stop trying to force people into your life that don’t want to be there and you will accept the people that do. If you want to light yourself on fire to keep others warm, then do so, but know your limit. Don’t lose yourself again and when you feel like you might, fight. Fight and find your way back, because there is always a way back. 

Fall in love. Take chances. Go on adventures. Make lots of friends. Don’t pressure yourself to figure it all out. Get out of your comfort zone. Learn to live life. Don’t hold back. Have fun. I have a good feeling that the next chapter of your life is going to be amazing. 

Sincerely, 

The girl that is no longer lost. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Never Alone

Alright friends, here is your normal, random update. The past year has kicked my butt. I hear people talk about how the majority of the last year of their lives has revolved around Covid but when I look back, wearing a mask or social distancing might be one of my happier memories. 

Since my last post, a little over a year ago, I have been on a continual cycle of grief.

I had hoped to write this update and tell you all how well I was doing. I wanted to laugh and tell you the ways in which I have remembered my grandma. I wanted to tell you that even though I miss her dearly, I am doing so much better than this time last year. Unfortunately, it is more complicated than that. I normally welcome September with open arms. It bring so many things I love. It is my brith month. It brings the beginning of fall. This year however, it also brings tough memories. It brings anniversaries. It brings to close the hardest year of my life. 

I have cried out to God so many times this year simply asking Him to let me be numb to the pain of loss. I wanted nothing more than to simply not feel. I wanted to handle grief, loss, and pain in a way in which it did not linger. I wanted to allow it into my life, use it in some way or learn from it, and watch it go right back out the door. 

Instead, I ran in circles.

 Every time I started to feel better about whoever I was mourning, another name was added to my list. At times I have felt like I started running a race surrounded by people but slowly got to the finish line to find that I was alone. It really played a role in my life that I am not proud of. It opened the door to a lot of fear. At times I feared grief so I clung on to the people I had left because I was scared. I was scared that when I hugged them, it would be the last time. Sometimes I did the opposite and I was so scared of grief that I pushed people away. Other times I feared not having that grief. I held on to that grief in order to feel like I was holding on to those I lost. 

I like to be really honest here so I will tell you, I am absolutely still hurting. I am not fully healed and I do not always feel closure. I am only left with memories to hold and replay in my mind but most of the time it hurts too much to replay or reminisce. I was not ready to lose any of them and some days I still feel in denial. I am still on that continual cycle of grief.

I know this update has not been my happiest one but it is real and it is needed. The good news? I am alive. There were times in the last year where I didn’t view that as good news. I am scared about what the future holds but I am also excited. It hurts to think of good things happening and not having those people to share my joy with but through everything I am reminded of something. I am blessed. 

Through all the pain of this year, I am so blessed.

In order to mourn over so many people that have impacted my life, I had to have so many people in my life in the first place. I might have felt like I was running my race alone but I never have and never will. Not only is God with me every step of the way, He has placed so many incredible people in my life and still is each day. Some stretches may feel less busy but I am never alone. 

The fog of pain that has at times covered my life this year allowed me to live in denial, with memories of my loved ones, but it also caused me to live in denial regarding the ones I still have left. Let me be clear, I have been in pain. I am still in pain. The difference now is that I am trying to acknowledge that pain because it can no longer control or dictate my life or how I love others. 

I keep reminding myself that to love is to be vulnerable. I love people. I live and breath to serve and love people and I don’t ever want any pain to stain my life or my heart in any way that changes that. That is one reason I write these posts. I want to be honest in my struggles. I know as soon as I post this, the devil will try his tricks to make me feel like that pain is unbearable, especially in the weeks ahead. Regardless, I never have to bear the pain alone. 

Thank you God, I love you. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Where Do I Go From Here?

Hello friends! I know a lot of you have asked how I am doing and lately I have avoided answering that question. Here is a not very short update on me. 

For those that do not know, I have been living with my grandma since January to help take care of her while she went through chemotherapy. I grew up right beside her so we have always been close but these past few months have been a blessing. I was given a chance to give back to a woman I think so highly of. A woman that I call my best friend. A woman that has held me together like glue, in times when I felt like my family was falling apart. A woman that has made the most profound impact on my life. 

Yesterday marked two weeks since that woman, my grandma, passed away. 

At first, it was all about what needed to be done. I stayed rather busy organizing and preparing but not acknowledging what I was preparing for. It was easier to not dwell or even think about the loss or pain. So, I did what any stable human being would do and I lost all sight of reality.

I watched movies. I spent time with family. I cleaned out my closet. I drank lots of coffee. I did everything except allow myself to cry. I was genuinely scared that once I allowed the pain to come in, I would have no control to stop it. It was easier to numb myself to all emotion than to acknowledge that a part of me was gone.

To give a little more backstory to anyone that is reading, I used to deal with depression when I was younger. To say that God has saved me time and time again is accurate. He has healed me on so many levels but to say that there aren't still days that life seems too hard to handle would be a lie. 

All of that being said, I was scared. I knew that if I allowed myself to grieve, I would not be able to handle it and that scared me. On the other hand, I also knew that I was not going to be able to move on with my life without having a breakdown and giving myself that mourning period. That also scared me.

I was not angry or upset with God and I was not trying to run away from Him but at the same time, I couldn't talk to Him. I knew that once I started a prayer to Him, I would no longer be able to avoid my emotions and I just wasn’t ready for that. 

So, I started looking for people that I could run to. I wanted to be ready and while I did not know what the future held, I knew that I could not do it alone. I was looking for someone to be there when I finally broke down. Someone to simply hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I did not want someone to tell me to be happy or remind me that I would see her again someday but instead, I wanted someone to simple be there.

Then, it happened. I went to church last Sunday and a song played that spoke about not being afraid. I remember this weird mixture of tears rolling down my face and a kind of peace rolling down my shoulders. Here are a few lyrics from the song, Not Afraid, by Jesus Culture:

“I have this confidence because I've seen the faithfulness of God..

..I trust the power of Your word. Enough to seek Your Kingdom first..

..When I walk through the waters, I won't be overcome. When I go through the rivers, I will not be drowned. My God will make a way, so I am not afraid..

..No place for fear, no place for worry. I stand in your confidence and I know. I know you are the one who has me, who holds me. You go before me, you prepare the way in front of me, Jesus..

..Before me, behind me, always beside me. No shadow, no valley, where You won't find me. No, I am not afraid.”

Was my pain gone and had I allowed myself to grieve? No and no. However, I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the truth and the truth is this:

1. Just like anyone, I have been through a lot of challenges in my life but God has never left my side. He has brought me out of the ashes again and again. When I felt hopeless, He gave me hope. 

2. I believed that I could not handle the pain of loss alone and I was not wrong. I allowed my fear to blind me to the fact that I was not alone. I never had to handle my pain alone because He was there for me. 

3. I have seen the faithfulness of God and I will overcome this, just like the song says. Yes, having someone hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay sounds nice and I am not saying it wouldn't help. I am saying that my joy isn’t found in someone simply being there. My joy is found in the confidence that I have in Christ. My joy is found in His faithfulness. My joy is found in the power of His word. My joy is found in Him and because of that fact, I will not drowned and I will overcome. I have nothing to fear. 

Now, days after that Sunday service, I have cried. I broke down for the first time last night and it hurts. My chest is heavy and sometimes it is hard to breath. She is gone and I feel the pain from that, which leads me to my title. 

Where do I go from here?

Her schedule, her life, and her presence are all I have known for the last nine months. So before you ask me how I am doing, know this:

1. I am hurting. I lost someone who meant the world to me and I don’t really know where to go from here. I had planned all the things I wanted to do with her to celebrate the fall and winter seasons. I don’t know how to live life without her because it is something that I have never done but I know that I want to live a life that she would be proud of, whatever that looks like. 

2. I am going to be okay. I am going to get through it. I don’t have to be afraid. God will make a way. Even through the tears, He will make a way. He is faithful. 

3. Just because she is gone physically, does not mean that the impression that she has left on my life is gone. I have been blessed. 

Lastly, I need to apologize. I am sorry. I have had many people reach out to me about being sorry for not attending the services and that was all on me. I am the reason you did not know. Because I allowed myself to avoid all emotions, I didn't give my friends or family the opportunity to be at the services and to support me. And to my friends that are just now finding out what I have been going through the last two weeks, I am again sorry. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you could see through my fake smiles and I was not ready to face reality. 

So, thank you to everyone who has reached out and asked how I am doing. I hope this post gives you a little bit of insight in the same way that I believe it has given me a small amount of closure. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Be Intentional

At the beginning of 2020, I really felt God laying a word on my heart. That word was intentional.

I had just quit my job that I had been working at for the previous two years and I was ready for a new, fresh start. I was ready to explore, travel, and see the world. However, like anything in my life, God had something different planned for me that kept me home. More importantly, He gave me the opportunity to be intentional with time and relationships. I have learned a lot and I am thankful for this time because it is time I can never get back.

Now fast forward to today and the world is in a panic with the coronavirus hitting on all fronts. Don’t get me wrong, this virus is a big deal and should be taken seriously.

Thankfully though, my God is a bigger deal and like everything, He is in control.

If you are like me then you are spending your days stuck at home. At first this might be considered a negative thing because we as humans don’t like to be told what to do. I think that is one reason so many people struggle with giving God control of situations. I personally plan to spend any time that I am “stuck” at home intentionally. I want to be just as intentional with my time and  relationship with God now as I tried to be when I was surrounded by people.

I challenged each of you to do the same!

[emilyelizabeth2294]

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around Me?

An important lesson I have had to learn is that sometimes, most of the time, it’s not about me. Not that I am a self absorbed person but as a human I can sometimes focus too much on how a situation may affect me instead of seeing what it means to others. Quite often, unfortunately, I can be selfish without even realizing it. It was and still is a hard realization to come to but until I saw the weakness in all of its glory, I wasn’t able to see what needed worked on. 

For staters, I have been going through a lot lately and I stared to throw myself a pity party tonight because I felt like I had no one to turn to. Two of my best friends, who also happen to be cousins, are going through different transitions in their own lives. One just gave birth and the second is due in 4 months and also just started a new job. Both in completely different stages of their lives than I am, wonderful stages, and here I find myself complaining and moping that I can’t turn to them anymore because as you get older, your priorities sometimes have to change. In doing so I chose to only focus on the negative instead of being happy for all that God is doing for two of the most important people in my life. I was being selfish. 

Next area that needs worked on, my dad. I have always been a daddy’s girl but when my mom left us around 5 years ago I only grew closer to him. He has been a sounding block, my biggest supporter, and so much more over the years but lately, I am losing him. He met a wonderful woman of God and fell in love with her quickly, which is wonderful. What more could I ask for, right? Instead of focusing on all of the good things about that, I have struggled. I have focused only on how it changed my life. Yes, my life is changing and yes it is proving to be an uncomfortable transition but the fact of the matter is, the world does not revolve around me. 

Thankfully, in a world full of change, I have found my constant in Jesus. As I cried out to Him tonight, even my cry transitioned. It started as a cry of help. I wanted Him to take my pain away and I wanted Him to fix all my problems, no matter the fix but through that cry for help He washed my eyes with my tears. I saw my life a little differently and my cry changed to a cry of thankfulness. I was abundantly thankful for all the He was in my life. I was thankful for His constant and unfailing love for me. I was thankful that no matter what stage or change in my life, my world can revolve around Him. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

All That You Are

     I have been blessed with a beautiful niece and nephew. My niece however, has been on my heart a little extra lately. She is 11 and started middle school this year, which can definitely be a tough age. Just a few weeks ago she got into a fight with her brother when I was visiting and immediately ran to her room where I found her crying. At the time, I assumed that she was crying over another silly argument between siblings but found that it was something much more.

     I am still not sure what the fight was about but when I approached her, she opened up a little and to my dismay I heard things that I never wished to come out of her mouth. She said that she was ugly and fat and those words continue to play in my head and break my heart. She is too young to start battling that lie but unfortunately, no matter where it came from, it made its way into her mind. I may not remember exactly what I dealt with at age 11 but I definitely remember being a young, impressionable girl and this is my prayer for her:

God,

     I pray protection over her. She is young and may not always understand you right now but I pray clarity in her life. I pray for good influences to come into her life and only friendships that build her up. I pray that she learns to only view herself through your eyes and that she starts to see that she is beautiful, inside and out, special, talented and loved. As she gets older I pray that she becomes the beautiful, confident girl that I see her as and that she learns to love herself. Lord, you have been so many things in my life and I do not know what I would do without you. You have been my strength in times of tears, my hope in times of heartbreak, my sounding board when I felt overwhelmed by this world, and my guidance in times of confusion. I pray that as my niece gets older, you will draw her near to you and be all that you are to me, my reason for every breath.

                                                                                     Love, your child

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Walmart

Today, like every other day, I ended up making a trip to Walmart. I didn’t have some elaborate list but instead I went in for one thing. To my relief the store didn’t seem very busy so it was easy to get to my aisle and get out.

However, when I rounded the corner to the register I found where all the people were. There were two registers open and lines of people everywhere. At first I was overwhelmed but after I settled into a line, I started to get annoyed. 

Seriously Walmart? Two registers open in the middle of a busy Sunday Afternoon? It is such a typical Walmart problem that you hear about everywhere and you think with as busy as they all are all the time that they would learn that they need more registers open.

Finally I was able to check out and since I don’t stay annoyed long, I was over it by the time I got to the door on the way out. As I walked to my car though, I started to think. Isn’t that kind of how we as Christians can be when it comes to our struggles and sin?

We all have problems and we all deal with sin and for some of us we end up repeating the same sins over and over, even though we have the answer to every problem at our fingertips. Jesus. He is the answer to every problem in our life and the deliverer of all our sins. I am so thankful for the patience He shows when sometimes it takes me a few times to get it. 

I heard something on my podcast this week that I love. They were talking about when God referred to himself as Yahweh, or I AM. He used I AM without adding something to the end like a blank check. He is saying I AM ______. He isn’t putting himself in a neat little box but instead taking it to a more personal level and saying that HE IS whatever He needs to be in our life in any situation. 

Do you sometimes put God in a neat little box or do you often repeat the same problems in your life? It is time to open your eyes and realize that He doesn’t fit in any box and He wants to be the answer to every problem in your life if you will let Him. He is the same I AM that He was in Exodus. Surrender your life to Him and you will see just how magnificent He is.

Exodus 3:14 - “God said to Moses, “I AM who I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites:’ I am has sent me to you.’”

[emilyelizabeth2294]

God knows best.

Last week I was reading through Exodus and something jumped out at me.

Exodus 13:17 - When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, “If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.”

Sometimes in life we go through seasons of waiting and sometimes those seasons are easier to handle than others. We can get impatient and think that we know a better or quicker way to get results or we can trust in God’s perfect timing. 

In Exodus God knew that the quicker way through the Philistine territory was not the right way. God knows our strength and weaknesses. He has a plan and a direction for us. Maybe that thing that you have been waiting for, that you are so sure is right, is really not meant to be. What if the path that you would choose to take has battles that you aren’t ready to face. Battles that would have you running away from God instead of clinging to Him for your strength.

 I really believe this is one place faith comes into play. We have to have faith that God has our best intentions at heart because He does. We have to have faith that no matter what the path looks like, especially when we are on the outside looking in, that God is going to guide us and be with us every step of the way.

Sometimes what we view as a shortcut or as something easy could also be used for destruction.

Will you have faith to let God lead you on His path instead of deciding that your way is better? Will you cling to His promises in those times of tough waiting?

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Scotty McCreery

Last Friday I got the chance to see Scotty McCreery in concert. If you know me then you know I absolutely love him. During the concert he took some time between songs to talk about how great 2018 has been for him so far. Then he said something that got me thinking. He said, “I know everyone always tells you to look to the future but sometimes I think it’s good to stop where you are and remember the past.” 

Guys, that hit me. So often people talk about the past as such a negative thing and sure, sometimes the past is filled with bad memories or mistakes but we wouldn’t be where we are without them. Now I’m not saying we should dwell in the past, but I don’t think we should forget it and try to put it behind us.

How easy would it be to forget what God can do if we don’t take time to remember what He has already done.

How can we thank Him for something that we are too busy trying to act like it never happened? How can we learn from past mistakes or grow from situations if all we try to do is “put it in the past” and forget it? Just a little food for thought.

[emilyelizabeth2294]

The Here and Now Plans

We grow up hearing a lot of different advice. We are a society that plans. Go to college, get a good job, start a family, be successful and so on and so forth. If you are anything like me you feel the expectations and pressure from an early age. We build our plans so high that we are destined to fall when we are looking for success in all the wrong places. 

I am no different. I went through a lot of my young adult life so far worrying about the next step. Worrying about my plans and goals, how I was going to achieve them and each time something didn't go how I had planned I would feel like a failure. 

The plans we have for ourselves don’t always look like the plans God has for us.

Eventually I learned that but not without some trail and error. However, it is still something I have to remind myself daily because our human nature so desperately wants to think we’ve got it under control. Our view and perspective is so limited where God’s never is. 

Growing up in church and a Christian school, I’ve always tried to center my plans around God. Don't get me wrong, that is a really good thing to focus on but I've noticed something over the past little while that I don’t like. I was always so focused on where God was going to send me and what God had planned for me in the future that I lost sight of the here and now.

God wants to use you now, exactly where you are.

My prayer right now is that no matter if God sends me to an exotic island in 2 weeks, the ruin temples of Angkor in 2 months or permanently sends me to live in Seattle in 2 years that I would stay completely focused and present in this moment. That He would grow me, and mold me, and use to me touch lives right now. 

I don’t doubt that God is going to send me, I am willing to go but until then, I want to be willing to be used right where I am.

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Why the end goal matters

I did a devotion today on why your end goal is so important and to keep it short, It basically said, “Knowing how we want something to end affects the way in which we approach it from the beginning”. For example, If you want your kids to grow up to be Godly men and women then you aren’t just going to sit back and hope for the best. You are going to teach them in the ways of Christ. 

If you read my last post about my move and all of that then you will know that I have been struggling about my decision to take some time away from my normal life but you will also see that I am excited to see what God has in store for this time in my life.

After todays devotion I started asking myself, what did I want to accomplish through this trip? What was I searching for? What did I want God to do, what were my expectations for Him in my life through this? To be honest, I am still working on that. I don’t know all that I want to happen because one big thing that I need is clarity. However, no matter what, one of the biggest things that I want is to simply grow closer to Him and despite my circumstances, I want to fearlessly follow Him. To want to please Him above everything or everyone. So simple yet so complex. 

The end goal is important because it changes what we do today.

Our time is precious on this earth and to know that one of my end goals is to simply grow closer to Him then it should dictates how I spend my time. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

My Move

I just recently moved to Alabama to stay with some family for a while. It was a pretty abrupt decision but I had thought about visiting before. I have no time period or anything like that, I just came in expectation that I would figure all of that out later. 

Something happened to me today. Someone asked me if I was still happy with my decision to move and that has been really weighing on me.

First, just to give a little background before going more in-depth on this topic, I have been through a lot over the past few months to even a year now when it comes to my relationship with Christ and my relationship with others and things going on in my life. Awhile back my life started to almost fall apart in a way. I realized I was growing apart from my childhood best friend and even more so I realized that I needed to be growing apart, I lost a close friend who I depended on because of something someone else I was close to did, I had been having a lot of problems with some close family and it just seemed like every area in my life where I felt safe or comfort was gone. Almost like all the pain and bad things in life was too much compared to all the things there are to love about life.

Yes, it was a lot of heartache and still is sometimes but it was also an incredible time in my life where God said, “Depend on me”. He was who I should have been running to. He was who I should have looked to for comfort and safe haven but instead I depended to people for that. It was a huge time in my life where God did a lot of work with my heart. It was needed but that doesn’t mean it was painless. 

Now with all of that in mind I had clung to God but I was still struggling. I felt such a strong calling to not be in my everyday life so I packed up and now here I am. 

To go back to the question today: Am I still happy with the decision to move? Yes and no. No, I’m not because to be honest I’m struggling. I have always been proud of how great I am at building strong relationships with people, close relationships. I am a people person. I thrive off of being around people. Lately however, I have struggled when it came to people. 

Hold your arms up and make a cross. In high school I learned that there are two areas of relationships to work on: your relationship with God (up and down) and your relationship with people (side to side) and you can’t have one without the other. If you struggle in your relationship with one, the other will most likely struggle also. That I where I am struggling. I grew so close to God by depending on Him that I have lost sight in my relationship with people, to an extent. So Here I am, in a strange town with a bunch of strange people and some family who have lives of their own. No close relationships, no late night serious talk, no people to grow with in a way that I long for so no, I’m not always happy with my decision to move. 

But I didn’t just answer no to that question did I? I also said yes. I said yes because I am in a new place filled with new beginnings. Someplace new where my eyes are even more clear to what God has to show me. Away from my struggles and confusion. Away from the influences in my life that may not be bad, but also aren’t glorifying to God. I may be struggling but I am also still happy to see what God has in store for this time in my life. I’m still working with him on the specifics but that is just kind of where my heart is right now I guess.

Just like anything we go through in life that is uncomfortable at times, I know something good is going to come of it. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

My Journey: 40 days to 5 months

Just some background: Each year during Lent, I give up one or more things that I feel God has placed on my heart to fast.

If you don’t know what Lent is, it is a time period of 40 days before Easter designed to fast something in remembrance of Jesus’s time of temptation in the wilderness.

This year I gave up a few things but one thing in particular was makeup. Now if you know me, you know that I don’t wear a large amount of makeup anyway which is why I didn’t completely understand why God wanted me to give it up. He quickly showed me.

I struggle big time with feeling like I need to be making myself pretty and good enough for others so for pictures or when I meet someone or go somewhere new I always try to look my best, at least what I thought was my best.

The first few weeks were a challenge. I looked in the mirror twice as much trying to overcompensate on my hair or clothes. At the same time, I had also moved from my home to a new place with new people. It was harder than it should and harder than I expected to go places and meet people without primping.

Over the corse of 40 days God took me through a lot of stages and opened my eyes big time. Those 40 days have now turned into 5 months. I’m not saying I am against makeup. I will wear it again because I enjoy makeup but next time it will be different.

Like I said, I don’t wear that much so I didn't realize how I depended on it. After  the first week I noticed myself looking in the mirror less and less. At first it was because I told myself there was no point because I could’t fix myself right now but then something changed. After I stopped viewing it as ‘how can I make myself feel better’ and started viewing it as ‘how should I be feeling about myself thanks to Christ’ stuff changed.

When my mindset changed, my life changed. I was happy. The feeling of needing to ‘fix’ myself or ‘look my best’ is a lie from satan. God made me in His image so there is nothing to fix. I don’t look my best when I have makeup on with my hair done up and a cute outfit. I look my best when I am living Christlike and reflecting Him.

It isn't about how others view me, but how Christ views me. It isn't about finding the feeling of beauty through worldly things, which is what I did with makeup without realizing it. It is about finding true beauty through my identity in Christ.

When I wear makeup again it will be because I enjoy it, not because I need it. It’s funny how God works in your life where you don’t even know it needs working on.

[emilyelizabeth2294]

What’s stopping you?

We all have struggles, we all have fears, and words without actions are just words. 

All growing up I have struggled with the fear of water. No, I’m not scared to drink water or shower but as soon as it gets in my face it feels like my life is ending. It might sound silly or dramatic to most but of you but if you have spent much time around me and water then you would understand. I have tried for years to come to terms with why it scares me but fear doesn’t make sense sometimes. 

About two years ago God really challenged me. I am always so quick to say things like, “God I give it all to you” or “I’m willing God, use me” but actually giving it all to Him and being willing are very different things. 

So one day He told me I was going white water rafting. Sounds fun, right? Not if you are afraid of water. 

A very long story short, I went. Yes, I might have cried the majority of the time but I went. That day I showed satan that not even my biggest fear was bigger than my God. I set aside any feelings or emotions I had to not go, and I gave it all to Him and wow did it feel good. 

Do I love water now? Not necessarily but that isn't the point. Just like in Genesis 22 when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. He wasn’t going to kill his son because he wanted to. He was going kill him as a sacrifice to God because He loved, obeyed, and was willing to give it all to God.

That is what we should strive each day to do. To be obedient in giving God our all. Giving Him our struggles and pain as well as our joy and prized possessions because we love, cherish, and see that God is bigger than the good and bad. 

[emilyelizabeth2294]

Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things–trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that’s a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play-world. I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn’t any Narnia.

The Silver Chair (via cslewisthoughts)