eldritchazuline - Tumblr blog

[eldritchazuline]

Yeah knowing yourself is ugly. Nothing ever quite like you expect. But knowing someone find you lovely no matter how many flaws you see in yourself it’s one of the most fulfilling experiences.

PANIC VENT POST

Ignore me if irrelevant, but my friend s who I’ve always been extremely attracted to is confirming that they’re into my by kissing me so I’m all sorts of disoriented

[eldritchazuline]

CW and TW shame and ideation tbh don’t read I just need to scream somewhere.

I hate myself so much. I’m a terrible big sister. I can’t control myself. I’m a liar. And a sneak. And a coward. I can’t stop drinking and honestly I can’t help but feeling like I would be better off dead. I don’t feel brave enough or strong enough to be different. But I also can’t believe how brave and strong I had to be to make it this far. I don’t know how I can feel so weak and so strong at the same time. But it’s like Sisyphus. The same thing over and over no matter what I achieve or lose it all starts over again. I am so ashamed which I hoped would transform me but instead of it pulling me out it dug the hole deeper.

How can things be different than what they are? Is there anything outside of this? Is happiness a lie? I’d love? Love seems like a beautiful gift handed to me that once opened is just as thorny and spiteful as hatred. The idealistic love I hold dear is nothing more than a fantasy. A pretty dream they tell to children so they don’t give up. How is everyone else in on it? Am I the only one who didn’t know it was a lie?

[eldritchazuline]

Void scream pay me no mind

I sometimes find myself thinking some real absinthe would totally fix me. It’s the escape artist in me, I know that’s not true it’s addictive tendencies but damn if I don’t want to just check tf out in any way possible right now.

I have never felt this particular sadness before. It’s an accumulation of every shitty cycle I’ve ever seen in my family but this time there’s so much more despair. This is the last straw. The nail in the coffin. I have found and lost hope in my family relationships over and over and how many times can you kick a dog before they bite back? The way everything is happening, I probably can never forgive the people involved. Everything in my body is screaming at me to just roll over and let this blow by like any other horrible fucking thing in my house. But this is it. Maybe this is where I say

‘Enough’

I have hope in the life I can create for myself on the other side of this, but things can never be the same. From one New Year’s Eve I am being forced to reevaluate everything I believed about the people in my life being genuinely good people deep down under all the shit.

And it looks like such an impossible task. I know things can be better but that doesn’t change the now. I will probably spend years trying to dig myself out of this house by my fingernails because it’s necessary.

[eldritchazuline]

cw vent post

I can’t stand it when other people try to parent me. If I want to live the way I do that’s my business. No I’m not taking your unsolicited advise, and tbh if you have a problem with some things that’s not my problem. Just because you want me to do something doesn’t make it my priority, and I’m not going to go out of my way to waste my energy on something I don’t give a shit about. Fuck off.

[eldritchazuline]

Anyone else just have intense delusions but like you know it isn’t real but you believe it anyway? Like today I decided that the reason my eyes are blue is because my contacts (prescription. It color) traps the blue underneath and if I took it out my eye would rip. I understood I was wrong but I still believed it??

[eldritchazuline]

It won’t get better for LGBT youth of color until we identify and dismantle the ways we’ve normalized racism. Gabe hits it on the head:

[eldritchazuline]

let’s kill contouring i’m tired of her

[eldritchazuline]

lizard.exe stopped responding. Wait for the program to respond?

He was going to eat, then stopped. Weird animal.

[eldritchazuline]

I make the night sky witch

[eldritchazuline]

sky bi moodboard || requested by anonymus 

[other lgbt+ works]

[eldritchazuline]

on behalf of the Gays i don’t want to hear donald trump say “the gays” ever again

[eldritchazuline]

Whom gey

am

[eldritchazuline]

Banana Cinnapin Ball Python

[eldritchazuline]

*pours coconut oil over my depression*

[eldritchazuline]

Tag yourself I’m angery

[eldritchazuline]

me @ 3 am when my abandonment issues are at their Peak & all sensibility has left me: why 🚨 is 🚨 everyone 🚨 ignoring 🚨 me 🚨 again 🚨

[eldritchazuline]

*dissociates but in a punk rock way*