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edentrees · 6 months ago

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BRO MY PILLOW IS SOAKED IN NY TEARS I'M ACTUALLY CRYING SO HARD

You were never mine

Fandom: Yellowjackets

Pairing: Natalie Scatorccio x fem!reader

Genre: angst.

words: 6.9k

Warnings: major character death, heartbreaking angst and slight sexual themes.

Summary: you loved Natalie more than anything, until your dying breath.

Notes: this one is a sad one so be prepared. ngl i cried while writing this.

not spell checked!

first loves always came and went. at least that is what you had heard since your were a kid. truthfully you had never cared much when your mom said that, even when you were fifteen and you were at the age in which most fell in love for the first time. you'd never cared to listen because you weren't in love. you couldn't understand when she would tell you that your first love will be painful and it will probably make you want to never fall in love again but you would. you never understood it.

until you met Natalie Scatorccio. it had been love at first sight. it was cliche and sounded stupid to anyone else but you didn't expect anyone to understand.

you had tried out for the soccer team per your fathers request. you weren't really interested in it but he was a man that loved sports and you were an only child so he didn't have a son to share his passion with. he didn't force you, simply suggested that it would be fun. even if you weren't the greatest or knew much about it, he insisted that you were on the track team and that you would make new friends and memories that would last you a lifetime. maybe he was right about one thing. you were sure Natalie would be engraved into your memory until your dying breath.

she hadn't paid much attention to you at first, you guys weren't in the same social class so she figured you'd be snobby and bitchy. that was until coach Ben had paired her up with you to help you on some of the skills you were lacking. that had been the first time you had talked, the first time you weren't left admiring her beauty. she was nice. or indifferent, mostly. she knew you hung out with the 'popular' kids and that your parents were rich and she didn't want to tension to form on the team so she figured being quiet would be easier to deal with you.

that was the case at first. until the girls on the team started to hang out outside of practice. Jackie said it was to make you guys bond but you would've loved to be around them regardless. you were closer to Lottie and Jackie, both closer to your social status which meant you shared a lot of friends. you had thrown a party one October night and invited all of the girls on the team. all of them had gone except for Misty, you weren't the biggest fan of her and you assumed she felt the same about you considering you had caught her sending glares at you more than once during or after practice. sometimes even in the hallways which really weirded you out. you'd never been mean to her or said anything, really. whatever her deal was, you didn't care to investigate.

that night you had gotten drunk and got a little too bold. more so then you were used to. you had kissed people before during parties or even got close to hooking up but you'd always stop, not really wanting to give up your virginity to some loser or a girl that probably had a boyfriend and would ditch you the next day. but Natalie wasn't one of those girls. she didn't have a boyfriend, she wouldn't ditch you the next morning or act as if she were straight and you had somehow forced her to do something. she was Natalie.

it was two in the morning when the party was over and you felt her lips all over your body. you weren't that drunk, your thoughts and sentences were coherent. you didn't want to drink much because you had a game the next day and didn't want to slack off. Natalie seemed to have felt the same. you could taste some vodka on her but she seemed pretty sober to you. aside from the alcohol you weren't sure if she had gotten high or something but that didn't really bug you. her wandering hands were making your thighs squeeze together along with her wet lips. she left a couple hickeys on your neck but nothing you couldn't cover the next morning with some makeup.

her hands were everywhere, gripping all over and discarding all of your clothes until you were only left in your underwear. you'd never forget the look in her eyes. it wasn't just lust or hunger, there was a glimmer of something else but a part of you thought you were just imagining it. in a way it was just to make yourself believe that there was a chance. that night before things could progress any further you had told her it was your first time. a part of you expected her to feel awkward and pull away, leaving you there nude and chest heaving. she didn't. she kissed you softly, unlike all of her other kisses and asked you if you were sure. you answered by pulling her into a deep kiss.

Natalie had been the one to make you feel that bliss for the first time. she had been the one to take that part of you and you had no regrets. it didn't matter that she wasn't there when you woke up or that she would kiss you before or after practice once you were alone. it didn't matter that she'd sneak into your room at night to fuck then leave before you had awaken. it didn't matter that she didn't love you because at least you had her. in sone fucked up way you had her. you knew you were the only person she was hooking up with, she had confirmed that early one when you asked about stds and if you should get checked. that made you feel ecstatic, knowing she only ever came to you.

sweat stuck to your body as if you had just gotten out of the shower. your hair was messy and tangled and you could feel your body growing sore from the aftershock of what had just happened. her hand was holding yours tightly from under the sheets and it was probably as sore as your body from every time you'd squeeze it a little too tight. it was silent apart from your ragged breath. your chest was falling and rising heavily and the blankets were making your body feel overheated.

then Natalie popped out from underneath the blankets with a small smirk as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. it was a sight your sure you'd never get tired of. when she was at your level, you could see her bare chest and her hair was almost as frazzled as yours from when you had tangled your hands in it. the cocky smirk she was wearing made you roll your eyes and softly punch her shoulder.

"shut up," you said, a blush coating your cheeks. your face was already pink from the intercourse but even then, your blushing was more than obvious and it made Natalie stop for a second.

"i didn't do anything," she chuckled holding her hands up. you rolled your eyes while pulling the cover further up your body.

"you didn't have to," you responded. "i know what your thinking."

the blondes eyebrow rose in question and she held herself up with one hand, looking down at you. some of her hair fell down her face and you could feel it softly tickle your face so you reached up and tucked it under her ear. the action earned a small, almost ghosting smile on the blondes lips that if you weren't looking, you would have missed. "what am i thinking?" the blonde questioned in a murmur. it was the tone she'd use to try and get you to bed, the tone she'd use when she had hand down your pants or when she would want to leave you hot and bothered. the tone that made you realize she wanted more. "how hot you are after cumming on my tongue?"

almost immediately you felt your face warm up, "shut up." you whispered, very obviously embarrassed. Natalie chuckled softly and you leaned up to kiss her softly. it was always that way with you, her kisses were almost always rough and fast, filled with passion and lust while yours were slow and loving. it was something she couldn't stand, something that always made her run away.

much like she did that night. Natalie pulled away from your a second after and got up and off the bed although faster then you could open your eyes. it wasn't unusual and yet somehow it still surprised you. it was pathetic and almost comical how you'd always be left in shock, processing the way she had just made you feel euphoric and then miserable in the matter of literal seconds.

when you did open your eyes, you were met with sight of her pulling her jeans up. her bra was on by then and you could see that she had fixed her hair. and like always, you stupidly asked the same thing you always did, "want to stay? my parents won't be home for a while and i can drive you home tomorrow." you said, hope filled in your tone. hope that meant nothing, hope that broke your heart, the same hope that had no room in you after so many rejections.

Natalie shook her head as she reached for her shirt, "cant." she said simply. as if it were the most indifferent thing, as if it mattered less than a penny on the street. because you didn't matter, not really. you were someone who she had fun with, the girl that would let her do anything she wanted whenever she wanted. it didn't matter if it was two in the morning or the middle of third period, you'd wake up or sneak out of class just for her. even if you were exhausted or taking a test. she was more important then anything and everything.

you were fun and adventurous and liked to do new things. not to mention the fact that you were pretty and had a nice car and almost always had weed, all things Natalie loved. the only things she ever really noticed. she never saw the way your eyes would always find hers in the middle of a crowded room, never saw the way youd always defend her name with your friends that she'd call snobby. never noticed what your favorite song was or the fact that you loved romcoms because they showed the love you craved. never noticed what your favorite flowers were or that you scrunched your nose when you thought something was adorable. she never cared to notice that you loved her.

it wasn't new and it shouldn't hurt by how many times she had done it and yet it still did. it still left your chest tightening and your throat burning as it would when you'd silent your sobs. it left your eyes burning as if you were having a staring contest with someone and desperately needed to blank. it still left that dread in your stomach, the one you'd feel before getting the results of a test and the one that would leave you feeling sick.

when she was fully dressed, neither of you said a word. she didn't have anything to say while you were trying to keep any emotion a secret. you didn't bother trying to promise yourself that this was just her hiding her feelings, that this was her too afraid to love you back. they were so overused they did more hurt then comfort.

your eyes never left her, not when she turned toward you fully dressed and said, "see you." before leaving without another word or a glance back. when your door closed behind her, it all came pouring out. there was no more hiding it, no more keeping your emotions at bay. you just weren't strong enough for that anymore.

a week after that night, all of your lives changed for the worst.

the plane fell on your way to nationals. what was supposed to be a quick plane ride turned into all of your being stranded in a forest with no hope of being found. at first most of you did but as the days went on all of you started to lose hope progressively. you tried to keep a positive mind but it failed you. there was no point in having hope when you'd just get let down. you didn't have any major injuries, just a couple scratches but nothing that wouldn't heal with time. three days into being stranded Taissa found a lake which followed to finding a cabin. it was nice. at least nicer than having to sleep outside with all sorts of animals.

a lot had changed. most of your relationships had at least. you grew closer to Shauna and Taissa during the short time you'd been there. you half expected to get closer to Natalie and maybe free the reigns she felt from being able to call you guys official. you hoped that without prying eyes and the need to conform to social status that maybe she could take your relationship seriously. you were wrong. so incredibly wrong and it hurt. instead of getting closer to you she was getting closer to Travis. of course she would choose him over you, it wasn't even surprising at that point.

she chose a random guy she had just met to grow feelings for rather than you. the person who had been there everyday. the person who would welcome her with open arms or needed a quick fuck in the middle of the night. you had been there as much as she allowed you to be but of course that still wasn't enough.

the night sky was littered with lights as the full moon reflected on the water. Natalie stood behind you with her arms wrapped around your waist. there were still times in which she would show you affection, mostly when she was angry at Travis or the other way around and this was one of those times. you knew it was toxic and that it was only hurting you but somehow you couldn't stop yourself. having her even just in these small moments was enough. she could never be yours but she was yours, just for that moment. maybe that could be enough.

her lips were being pressed against your neck, her hands softly caressing at your hips making you smile softly. you turned your body around so you could face her completely, your hands finding the back of her neck so you could pull her into a soft kiss.

even if you knew she'd ignore you tomorrow morning, even if you knew that she'd go back to pining over Travis as if he put the stars in the sky for her. even if you'd end up with a broken heart because at least you'd have small moments like these engraved in your memories.

the post orgasm haze was still present and Natalie was aware of that so she placed her hands on the back of your thighs which made you wrap your legs around her waist and let her carry you. her lips were hungry and hot. your lips were grazing her teeth and you could feel a bruise forming, her hands were under your buttocks to keep you from falling and her grasp was strong and rough. everything always was with her, she'd leave marks on you, ones you couldn't cover because of how dark they were or she'd leave bruises on your body. never unwanted and the pain always made you climax faster. but they were marks, ones that came from her and you hated them. what at first made you blush when you'd look at them turned into a sick feeling forming in your stomach and your chest compressing. they weren't anything to be proud of because at the end of the day, she'd never let you leave even a scratch on her.

your body was spent but when she reached down to press her fingers against you, you didn't stop her. a moan left your lips but it was swallowed by her eager lips. the feeling of it all was too much and it made you grip the back of her neck tightly. when she pulled away, it wasn't far. her lips met your neck where they began to leave wet kisses before it turned into sucking and biting. "fuck Nat," you moaned. that made her proud and you could almost feel her smirk against your skin.

maybe you should have realized that you made her feel good. before during and after sex, you made her feel good. while she only gave you two out of three, she'd always have the advantage of knowing that you were hers while you could only have her when she was horny.

then she began to put more pressure which elicited a small gasp from you. "your doing so good," she praised softly against your neck. those words always made the hairs on your skin to rise and a wave of pleasure to corse through you. all things she knew and always took advantage of.

those words seemed to click something in you. what would once make you quiver made everything click. you were good, good to her. she liked that. she knew how you felt. it was obvious to anyone with eyes. when you'd ask her to spend the night, when you'd listen to the same music she did so you could talk about something, when you'd bring in an extra snack so she had something to eat before practice. the way you would smile at her in the hallways and how all of the sudden no one talked shit to her.

all of those thoughts made you each your breaking point. the pleasure turned numb and all you could focus on was the way tears began to fall and a sob was going to escape your throat. the feelings you had been keeping inside for so long were slowly seeping through the cracks of the border you made around your heart. every memory, every word she had said to make that wall grow higher and higher was starting to launch against it like a bomb. she had been the one to bring those walls up so high and she'd be the one to break them.

Natalie noticed right away. she felt a tear drop against her shoulder and your chest stuttered against her own. when she pulled away from your neck, her eyes met your teary ones and she stopped instantly. "what's wrong? did i hurt you?" she asked worriedly. her brows were pinched together and you could see the way her lips were pulled into a small frown. she was worried and she cared for you. in that moment at least.

yes, you wanted to say. 'you hurt me' was all you could think but you couldn't say it. maybe she hadn't meant to hurt you, maybe she never realized how you felt about her. all things you so badly wanted to believe so you could stop the horrible feeling in your chest. but you shook your head and a cry left your lips. Natalie reached up to wipe away your tears and in that moment, her touch was so soft and loving that maybe things could change. maybe she could feel the same.

maybe she was just scared to admit how she felt or to get attached so she did what everyone always did, pull away from the person you love. and so the words left your lips like acid, as if they burned so terribly she couldn't bare even touching you. "i love you."

they were said. the words you had thought about for so long were finally in the air and they had been heard by her. there was no more hiding, no more keeping your feelings a secret. there was nothing that could unsay those words and nothing that could make her unhear them. for a second you almost thought she hadn't heard you by her lack of reaction but when she pulled away from you and your body almost fell if it weren't for you quick reaction, you knew.

even in the darkness you could see the way her face flashed in disgust and the way all and any trace of worry evaporated. nothing but confusion and disgust was present.

nothing could explain how desperately you wished to take those words back in that moment.

"what?" she said almost laughing. it was a fleeting moment, a moment in which she almost thought you were joking but then she realized how hurt you looked and that thought vanished.

"Natalie-" you took a step toward but she immediately took one back, as if you'd kill her if she didn't. the action intensified the already burning sensation in your throat and the lack of oxygen in your lungs. it burned to breathe, it hurt to blink and to even think.

"why would you do that?" she shook her head, confusion written all over her features.

"do what?" you asked, just as confused.

Natalie shook her head once more and her eyes broke away from yours, "why would you say that?"

her words didn't make the confusion go away, "because i mean it." you responded quickly. because you couldn't keep it a secret anymore and because you almost thought she'd say it back.

Natalie turned away from you, her back toward you. more tears fell at her actions and you wanted to wrap your arms around her but you didn't, unsure if she'd react badly. "fuck." the blonde almost screamed but she was still loud and her tone was harsh.

"how do i not love you?" you pressed, "i let you see me in way no one else has. i've spent almost every night with you for the past four months. you are fucking amazing and if you could just see that-"

"stop!" Natalie exclaimed and finally turned around. "stop saying that, stop talking." she snapped.

that hurt like a bullet. it hurt more than anything ever had and all you could feel were more tears fall. the pain was unexplainable, indescribable. it was a cliche almost because it truly felt like someone had held a gun up to your chest and didn't stop shooting until the clip was empty. not to mention the lump in your throat that burned, especially the way in which you were trying to silent your sobs.

the blonde ran her hands down her face roughly, "this was just sex," she said motioning between you and her. "i told you that from the beginning."

her words made a laugh ripple from your throat, "are you serious?" disbelief was present in your voice. "how do i stop myself from falling Natalie? do you want me to just turn off my emotions? to numb myself from any feelings? because i fucking cant! i cant just act like sex meanings nothing! as if being intimate with you doesn't mean anything!" you yelled, careless to if anyone could hear. because in your mind it was just you and her. in that moment no one else existed and you weren't stranded in the woods, you were simply standing in front of the girl you loved most and the girl who would break you heart completely.

Natalie's face didn't change. there was still nothing but anger present on her features, "if i could do it. so could you." the blonde said finally. and that was it. that was the final bullet the blonde needed to completely break the dam and all the water to rush out. every single emotion to pour out uncontrollably and infinitely.

there was nothing left to say. there was nothing you could say. nothing that would make her love you or take back the words that she just been said. she didn't love you. that was obvious and if it weren't for that stupid hope you always carried, you wouldn't have been blinded into believing she could feel it when you admitted the words out loud.

every interaction, every time you had sex, every time in which she'd ignore the hope in your tone when you'd ask her to stay or every time you'd look at her hurt when she'd smile at Travis. they were all moments in which she was practically screaming at you to let her go but you so stupidly believed she just didn't want to get hurt. how naive can a human be when in love.

finally, you pulled yourself together as much as you could and pried your teary eyes away from her. with the back of your hand, you roughly wiped the tears away as you began to walk past the blonde and toward the direction in which your clothes were. as soon as you knew she was too far to hear you, every emotion broke loose. your sobs racked your body making it shake and you closed your mouth tightly to prevent the noise from being too loud. you didn't care to wipe at your tears and you let yourself finally feel everything you so desperately needed to months ago.

leaving with Taissa and the couple of girls wasn't a hard decision. you wanted out of there, you wanted to go back home and simply never see any of them again. you couldn't anymore, you just couldn't. Taissa had a plan, to walk in one direction until you reached something, anything and even though a lot of people were against it, they couldn't exactly argue with her logic. you weren't the only one who wanted to go with Tai, so did Mari, Akhilah, Van and Misty at the last minute. everyone going for the same reason, not being able to wait another moment for help.

you couldn't just sit there with everyone, hoping that someone would find you because the chances were that no one would. if they could, they would've already done it. you were sure your parents thought you had died, wasn't hard to think that. you'd think the same if you were in their position. at first you didn't want them to stop looking, you wanted them to try and try until they searched every possible place but slowly, as the days passed you realized that they deserved happiness. they deserved peace and if they had given up, you couldn't blame them. accepting having lost someone was sometimes easier then thinking what if. you just hoped they'd be able to move on at some point, most likely not soon but at some point at the very least.

Natalie didn't say goodbye. it wasn't surprising. she had asked, no, begged Travis not to go though. you had heard their conversation while packing your own things and suddenly the decision to go didn't sound so bad. at least you wouldn't have to see their longing gaze, see them come back from hunting with love sick smiles and you wouldn't have to endure Natalie avoiding you as if even looking in your direction would kill her.

as expected, she simply ignored you after that night in the lake. what was once her dragging you away in the middle of the night turned into silence. sometimes she'd hold your hand until you fell asleep because she knew how hard it was for you to do so. now you held your own hand, whispered to yourself that you were okay and the panic attack you were enduring would go away.

when you hugged Lottie, Shauna and Jackie goodbye, the blonde didn't step up once. she stood back and watched. watched as they held you with fear and desperation. they hugged you so tightly, it almost crushed your ribs. they found the small comment quite funny, even through their tears when you said it. then it was time to leave and the only thing you got was her eyes meeting yours for less then a second before you turned around and left.

things were complicated with Taissa and the group, the compass stopped working and there was some blood river that apparently Lottie had dreamed of. and then you ran into an obstacle. a huge one at that. after walking for so long all of you needed a break so you stopped at a certain place in which Tiassa deemed best. one of them started a fire, you were too exhausted to remember who and when your eyes closed.. well everything turned for the worst.

wolves were something you’d see on tv, something you never thought you’d see up close but then again, there were a lot of things you didn’t think you’d do and you had to in the forest. that included shoving Vanessa Palmer out of the way so you’d get the worst of a bite. if only you had known that she’d get it pretty bad anyway. just not as bad as you.

all you could feel was pain. pain, pain, pain. everywhere, on your bloody leg, your bloody arm and it ran through your whole body. what could you do? what were you going to do? you didn’t know. death seemed inevitable in that moment, death seemed like the only answer, like the easier answer. suddenly death sounded peaceful, it sounded… like home.

but neither of the girls were going to leave you behind, even when you begged, even when you cried that it hurt, even when you passed out from the pain. why? because you were y/n l/n, the girl who would make them all laugh even after a bad game, the one who always worked with the team and never showed off or gloated, the one who saved Vanessa Palmer from being burned to death. so it didn’t matter how much you fought, how much you insulted them for not being smart and simply leaving you. none of it mattered because it would mean leaving you to die and they could never do that.

it was hard. so fucking hard. Van had a gash on her face but it wasn’t anything too bad, just enough for her to bleed through the cloth wrapped around her head. she and Taissa were the ones helping you, each of them having one of your arms wrapped around their necks. it was easier to walk at first, maybe it was the adrenaline or the fact that you still had blood in you. but as the sun set and you dragged your leg for miles, that blood kept gushing, that blood kept leaving your body until you were left sickly pale and your eyes could barely stay open.

death was inevitable. your born knowing you’d die, it’s the cycle of life. but dying at eighteen wasn’t part of that cycle, it wasn’t supposed to happen. kids are supposed to burry their parents, not the other way around. everyone wakes up knowing they could die that day but you never think it to be true. just like you didn’t think that would be the day you’d die.

but what if dying is the easy way out? what if dying then is easier then dying months from then when your traumatized and starved. what if dying them is easier when you still have the memory of your parents features and voice clear in your mind. what if dying then.. is the only way out. then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. your parents wouldn’t have to bury you and maybe just maybe, if the girls are ever found, they would have already mourned you and knowing of your death wouldn’t hurt so badly.

until you realized.. you’d be dying hating Natalie. you’d be dying with the words she said to Travis replaying in your head. you’d be dying with her last words being that you were pathetic for loving her. you’d be dying with a broken heart all while knowing the last time you kissed her was also the last time you loved her.

could you die like that? could you die not knowing what being loved felt like? could you die before you healed your first heartbreak? that wasn’t fair. how could that be fair? how could you die knowing you’d never be loved? knowing you’d never love someone and be loved unconditionally. you’d never have a fairytale love, the kind that brings you flowers and chocolates or dedicates a song to you. the kind of love that hurts because of how much you both love each other. equally.

at some point, you blacked out. you weren’t sure when it happened or how it even happened, it was probably the blood though. all you knew was that one second you could hear your name along with Van and Tais being called before your eyelids grew heavy and everything went black. then you were warm.. and there was a hand holding yours tightly. there were droplets hitting your skin and you could feel someone’s face pressed up against your own as they sobbed loudly.

it was when you found the strength to wake up.

Natalie. it was Natalie who was holding you. her scent was unmistakably hers. it was always vanilla and cigarettes except this time there wasn’t much of the cigarettes but even then.. it was Natalie. your Natalie.

when your eyes lulled awake, she broke apart just a little so she could meet your eyes. “hey it’s okay. Misty’s looking at your leg.” she said. you knew. she knew too but her desperation wouldn’t let her see that. but you didn’t tell her that.

“guess i kind of lost to a wolf, huh?” you tried to joke but your sentence wasn’t completed without a couple of coughs and wheezes.

Natalie tried to smile through her tears but you could see the pain behind her eyes. “i lied.” she said quickly. you knew it then too. somehow you had each become a cliche, one you wished to never be. “i didn’t mean any of those things. i didn’t think i deserved you. your so amazing and kind and you make everyone feel safe and i didn’t deserve that. i don’t deserve you so i pushed you away because i knew i’d end up breaking you.” she continued. her tears were falling desperately, they were one after another and you couldn’t help but reach up with your healthy hand and wipe them away. when you did, her hand held yours against her face. she felt so warm compared to your freezing touch and it felt so safe.

“i thought that pushing you away would be better, that you’d get over me and find someone worthy of you.” she continued. you knew what was coming next. you knew what she would say and in a fucked up way, you couldn’t bring yourself to hear them. not like this and not then.

“don’t.” you shook your head. the color from your face was gone, leaving nothing but a pale and discolored shade. your warm and inviting eyes were slowly fading. your smile was weak and it wasnt the one that would make everyone around you smile with you.

Natalie shook her head, “i love you.” she finally said. she said it. the words you had been wanting to hear for so long where finally said and you were dying. how was that fair? how could that ever be fair? why didn’t you deserve love? why couldn’t you have a love so beautiful that when you took your last breath, at least you knew you experienced that love once in your life.

it wasn’t supposed to be like that. she was supposed to say those words in the starlit night, with nothing but water around you and the intimacy of having her nude body pressed up against yours. you were supposed to kiss her until neither of you could breathe and you were supposed to whisper in her ear to prove just how much she loved you. your love was supposed to be meaningful, your love story deserved to be longer, to be sweeter, to last. it was supposed to be for the books.

instead your bleeding out in her arms with your last moment being her screaming at you that loving her was pathetic.

the words had been said and there was nothing left to do. nothing you could do but weakly pull her down so she could kiss you. what was always rushed and passionate kisses was a slow and weak one. your warm lips weren’t skilled and sensual, they were just another reminder of your ticking time. but that didn’t matter. not to you and not her. it would be the last kiss you shared, the last time she’d feel you pour your love into it, the last time she’d feel your hand caressing her face and the last time she’d feel this.

when she pulled away, there were tears in your eyes too. you weren’t ready to die. every thought you had before was gone. you weren’t ready. you still wanted to hug your parents again, you wanted to go to college with the girl you loved, you wanted to have more time with Natalie and all of your friends. you weren’t ready to die but it was useless.

and for the last time ever, “i love you, too.” you managed to weakly whisper. the heart that would beat so rapidly when you last said those words was slow and weak. she could barely feel a hum against your chest. how could she have been so selfish? why didn’t she enjoy the way your heart hammered against your chest when she’d lay on it? after you’d have sex and you’d press your body against here? when you told her you loved her? why didn’t she memorize the rhythm of your heart? why why why?

it was time. you know it. it was getting hard to breathe and the more you tried, the more it hurt. with as much strength as you could muster, you whispered. “remember me, sometimes.” they were lousy words but they were the only thing you wanted. even if it wasn’t always, you at least wanted to be remembered sometimes. maybe when she listened to Queen since it was the only artist you shared. maybe in lillie’s, like the ones you always had in your room. maybe when she looked at the sky or when she thinks the best thing to do is to push the person she loves away. you’ll be the reminder to never take love for granted.

Natalie cried at your words, those words that left a whole in her heart, the words that would leave scars and wounds she’d never be able to heal. “you’ll be the only thing i’ll remember.” she said back. her words made your lips curl just a tad.

then it happened. you took your final breath. your heart stopped breathing. your eyes were left lifeless and your touch slipped from her face. there was nothing left but your lifeless body in her own.

finally, everything she held in while you were with her was finally let out. her sobs were so loud and she didn’t care that everyone in the room could see. that everyone was silently watching with tears in their own eyes. she clutched your body so tightly against her chest, almost as if you’d move away. her cries were so loud they were like a howl on a full moon.

her body rocked with your lifeless body in her arms. crying, screaming, sobbing. her cries of pain were nothing short of heartbreaking. every fiber of her being hurt. she was in fucking agony.

she couldn’t accept it, she wouldn’t. her hand softly shook your face and when you didn’t react, she put you on the ground gently before she began to pump your chest with her hands. her tears kept running down her face and landing on your body as she continued to press against your chest in a steady rhythm. that stupid song in the back of her head. she was trying her fucking hardest. why wasn’t that enough? no one dared to say a thing, not even Travis who stood back and watched with tears in his eyes.

it didn’t matter how much she tried, you didn’t wake up. not after a minute, not after two and not after three. even when she begged, “please come back.” she whispered through her actions. until finally, she stopped. when she did, her shaky hands reached your face and she gently cradled it. she memorized every freckle, every eyelash, every little mark on your face. she memorized the way your lips felt under her fingertips and the color of your eyes. the eyes that would never look at her again. the eyes that she wouldn’t meet across the room, the eyes that wouldn’t look at her in pain, ever again. the eyes she ignored so many times. she felt so fucking stupid then.

but they weren’t your eyes. not anymore so she shakily closed them. when she did, she slowly buried her face in your chest. her arms holding you tightly as she cried softly. as she remembered your scent, as she felt your body in her arms for the last time ever.

Natalie Scatorccio was completely and utterly heartbroken.

you were dead. even when you weren’t ready to. but at least you loved her until your dying breath.

#natalie scatorccio #natalie scatorccio x reader #yellowjackets x reader #yellow jackets #taissa turner #van palmer #vanessa palmer #angst #natalie scatorccio angst #lesbian

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