eating-cacti-blog

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good luck trying to “figure” me out by looking at my public playlists. my music taste ranges from Disney songs to Vicodin by lil Xan.

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me

Realizing how much discipline it actually takes to learn a language:

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Yo BITCH stop fucking scrolling you...

Beautiful ass human. I love you so much. Have a great day. 😍❤️

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In July I noticed alot of ants in this hole in my concrete stairs and so I decided I wanted them to die. I poured hot water down the hole and bug spray as well to flush them out because they’re ugly and ew. So, I got mad and I poured hot wax down the hole. I came back the next day and pulled out the wax because It was annoyingly sticking out of the ground.I pulled it out and there were around 90 ants in the wax. To this very day I feel guilty and keep the ‘Ant candle’ in my room.

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this.

…I almost killed myself

I put on my sunglasses, to hide my swollen eyes, over my tears. I cried all my makeup off. Went inside to have a milkshake. I don’t know why. I wanted something to drink as I figured out what I would do. I got a soda and a milkshake. Medium. The cashier looked at me and with a line around the corner of the counter he rushed away from the counter “Hold on “ he yelled to a coworker.

I filled my soda and went back and saw him looking all over. I go up and he gets close and says “I made it a large”.

That was seriously enough for me not to do it. His kindness. Someone went out of their way and as I went back in my car to cry I realized I could muster through a few other days. A few more weeks. Then I came down from that panicky high of anxiety, depression, and pain. I finished my shake. And it was enough time to let me feel better. I… I’m alive. I’ll make it through.

Try and be nice today. Tomorrow. Something as much as a smile. It helped so much.

Thank you man at McDonalds.

The milkshake saved my life

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MUY IMPORTANTE

“no one likes to be around an eeyore”

excuse me eeyore had TONS OF FRIENDS, your statement is patently untrue according to WINNIE THE POOH CANON

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lifeguards are like water firefighters.

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Rude people: what didn’t u ask for on your birthday

Me, an intellectual: ur opinion

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him: I’m hungry.

Me, an intellectual: *takes off pants*

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obviously

The first thing formed in the womb is the anus. You’ve been an asshole from day 1

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It’s weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like “idk how to hold a pencil”

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If poison expires, is it more poisonous or no longer poisonous

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yes

Having bad vision is like having everything you see stuck at 240p, and higher qualities are locked behind a paywall.

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my pet vegetable is named Kenneth

House plants are just pet vegetables.

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me

A child’s main directive is to kill itself when no one is looking

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This one time I was at a street festival hosted by my Uni and there was a guy doing card tricks. I was watching him when I noticed he dropped a card. (7 of spades) I quickly pu my shoe in it and then bent down to act like I was tying my shoe. He then asks for a volunteer so I raise my hand. He asks me to say the name of a card at random so I say “7 of spades” he does his trick that I guess was supposed to make it come on top. He holds up the Ace of Hearts and says “is this your card?” And I hold up the card and said “no but this is” and the crowd LOST IT. I handed the card back to the magician and walked away. Later he comes up to me and asks me how I did it. I looked him in the eye, smiled and said “magicians never reveal their secrets” and walked away.

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Me: i bought a sweater from goodwill yesterday

Also me: it could have belonged to a dead person. What if it’s haunted?

Me again: *helpless laughter*