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I HAVE WAITED ALL YEAR TO POST THIS

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Coming from a state champion baker:

If y’all use a decent box mix and use melted butter instead of vegetable oil, an extra egg, and milk instead of water, no one can tell the difference. I sure as hell can’t. 

Also, if you add a little almond extract to vanilla cake, or a little coffee to chocolate cake, it sends it through the roof. 

This concludes me attempting to be helpful. 

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Dalhousie University Assignment Calculator

http://util.library.dal.ca/calculator/

This little bad boy here is a godsend. 

Type in the date you received your assignment/paper/essay, then type in the date it is due. Then the ‘assignment calculator’ will give you a full outline of steps and a schedule of deadlines for you to follow (hallelujah).

"The following timetable lists the steps that are part of writing a paper and when they should be done. If you need help with some of the tasks, the links are there to provide guidance."

If anyone has successfully used this, please let me/everyone know! :)

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Remember kids, no matter how beautiful your notes are and no matter how fancy your study tools might be, if you don’t make use of your brain it’s all gonna be in vain.

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Inside cover of my chemistry notebook

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This... Is how I feel...

This is hard to actually... type out, suprisingly enough. 

I've spent a few days thinking about it, and I guess, before I can move forward with anything, I'd like to write it all out. Look over it. Have someone hear me out... but really, just to get this all off my chest.

I'm currently in a relationship. A good relationship. My boyfriend loves me. He's nice, he's caring. He hasn't done anything wrong. 

So, why do I feel like this?

Ever since I got home on break... things, just don't feel right. I love him, but at the same time, I just... don't feel it anymore? I don't know.

And to add to it, just this weekend, I realized that I've had a crush on this guy for at least a whole semester. Which, is pretty shocking, but at the same time, it's... lovely. That feeling of liking someone...? 

Regardless, I want to stay with my boyfriend. I really do. But, I can't bring myself to. We're just so different. He's an out door-sie person, and I'm more of a person who likes to stay inside. He's social. I'm not. He enjoying being in peoples company, whereas I on the other hand only enjoy a certain amount of peoples company. He thinks I'm the one. I don't.

I'm not feeling that. 

I think, these feelings came to me because of how he told me about how he thinks I'm the one. He told me that no one else has ever made him feel like that before. That he can't really say he loves someone so easily. That he really loves me. That, no matter what, he always will.

And, sure, the thought is sweet, but to me, he's not. He isn't someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. He's not in college. He doesn't have plans to go back. I want to be a doctor. I want to be with someone who is in college, or at least has an education, you know? I want someone that can relate to me, at the very least, on that level. 

He can't. 

We don't have much in common. He even gets jealous over my celebrity crushes. As if I could ever have a chance with them. 

What I want, is someone who is in college, or has been to college. That can relate to me. Likes the same things I like. That I can talk to hours for about one thing, or a million things. Have a ton of comfortable silences with as we try to figure out what we can say next. See and understand what I go through as I go through it. Someone who can accept that fact that I will have celebrity crushes. That I have to have the need to fangirl. To understand, that I even though I love and support that celebrity crush with all my heart, I can still love them and would chose them over anyone, even my celebrity crush any day. Someone who, in a sense, is kind of like me. And honestly, the person I know that's the closest to being like me, is, as horrible as it sounds, is my brother. 

My boyfriend, doesn't fit that criteria. 

There are people like my brother though. Which, is kind of good and bad. There aren't many that I know of; just 4 people. 

One has plans to go to med school. He talks to himself as he thinks. He's really smart, got a 2200 on his SATs. He'll go far in life. This guy, is the closest to being the exact copy of my brother. And oddly enough, they were roommates. 

One, he's the only child in his extended family. He's smart for his age, graduating at only 21. He does computer science. And that's all I know about him.

Another, a tall guy. My mom pointed him out to me. He doesn't quite fit into this group of friends. His sense of fashion is impeccable (and expensive). He's smart. He studies physics. His sense of food is quite exquisite, liking only the finest of the finest resturants. He does photography, composes his own music. And is overall such a great guy. 

And the last one, well, he's quite the character. He's playful. He's fun. He's always making a funny face or just being... well, him. He has tons of blonde moments, far more than me (suprisingly). He at times, does seem to be a bit... off, and I do wonder how he got into that school in the first place, but I know, behind that playfulness is a really smart and dedicated person. He notices the ones that aren't often noticed. Always striking up a conversation. Grabbing their attention during something important, doing something random, and then going back to paying attention. There's really nothing in my current vocubulary that could accurately describe this guy. 

All these guys have one thing in common that my boyfriend doesn't: they all graduated from a prostegious university with a bachelor of science degrees in either Computer Science or Physics or Biology. Some even have double majors. 

My boyfriend doesn't want to go back to college. But these guys, have gone through it all and came out at the end very successful. Some have some jobs lined up for them or a gap year to take a break to study before pursuing further studies. And others... well, they're going to cry.

Of course, out of these four guys, I was able to take out two.

My mom wants me to get with the guy who has a bachelor of science degree in physics. Who does photography. Who seems to be handsome in her eyes. 

But for me, I want the last guy. He caught my eye over winter break when he came to spend the night before going off to a microscoft conference with my brother the next day. He was quirky, attractive, bubbly, interesting. All throughout the night, I'd try to sneak a glance at him by slying walking into the office just to talk to them. 

Only recently during graduation, when I finally saw him again, did I realize I had a crush on him. 

I really don't know what it is about him. But I just.... like him. This feeling I get when I see him, when I'm around him, at the slightest thought of him. I don't know what it is. But it surely isn't what I get when I think of my boyfriend anymore.

When I think of my boyfriend, even though he's done nothing wrong, is more so... something likened to avoidance. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to have anything to do with him. He did nothing wrong to me, he did nothing to warrent this behaviour from me, and yet, I still feel this way.

I know, that if I'm just not feeling it anymore, I should end things. But I don't know how. My mom told me that I should just let it fade out. Besides, he's all the way up in New Jesery, I'm a good 7-8 hours away. The most we'd be able to see each other is once a month. We used to talk every night, but since summer started, I try to not talk to him. 

But I don't want to drag it out. I want this feeling to be gone. This feeling of just wanting to be free. I love him enough to not want to hurt him. To want him to be happy. But, I also don't want to sacrifice my own happiness for his. I don't want to have to do that for anyone. I won't do that for anyone unless I basically set my life to making that person happy, and as a result, become happy, but I don't want to live my life like that.

But, to break up with him... there's no way to do it in a less, for lack of a better word thereof, douchey way. For heaven's sake, we're in a long distance relationship. I'd love to do it in person. But I'd be a horrible person if I had him drive all the way down here to just to leave without the girl he loves. And I don't want to drive all the way to him just to tell him the news. I honestly don't know how to do it.

Part of me really wants to stay with him. Part of me doesn't. The part that doesn't though, just doesn't know how to end it. 

I've written a lot, and just as usual, I don't know how to end this. 

Right now, all I do know is that there are currently 4 guys in my heart. 3 of them celebrity crushes, the other, the quirky recent college graduate. None of which are my boyfriend. 

I wish I could just look up the solution to my problem. Find a way to get it all solved, with the least amount of pain possible. But, unfortunatelly, I have to find that out on my own, huh? 

Just like Stephen Colbert said, "There's no secret society out there that will tap you on the shoulder one night and show you the way." And yes, I know he meant that in a completely different context, but in this case, it does apply. I have to go out there and find out the right way. No one else can show me. They can help me and support me every step of the way, but in the end, I'm all by myself in this. 

That's it. That's all that's been on my mind. All that can be composed in a nice long text post. 

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I just lost someone close to me. Someone dear. 

I'm obviously not over it. I lost her Friday around 8:30-8:45. I watched her die before my eyes. I saw her fight till the end. Even though she lost her sight, I knew she was searching for us. Hoping that by seeing us, she'd be comforted in the least bit. 

She had no idea what was going on. 

Watching one of the few people I was able to love die in front of me isn't a good experience. 

One second, her eyes were full of life, and then the next, they were just... empty. There was nothing there. Before, I could never really understand when people said that the life would leave someone's eyes. And to actually witness it... there are no words. As for feelings... there are just so many. 

I can't get the sight of her eyes out of my head. They always come back to haunt me. And it always gets me. 

But even though she's gone, I somehow managed to push it to the back of my mind. Forget about it for the time being. I tried to enjoy life. But no matter what I do, the sight of her, on that table, always comes to mind. I can never stop the tears when they come. 

I know that at some point, I can't keep pushing it away. I have to face it, as much as I would hate to. As much as it would hurt. 

But even though I need to face it, I need someone there with me, to help me every step of the way. I've never been good with dealing with such things by myself. But at it is, when I thought I'd have someone to help me through it, they turn around and tell me that I shouldn't bother them with that "guilt shit", and that I need to "get over it" and "enjoy life for once". 

And yes, I know I need to get over it, but it's not an easy process. For all I know, it might take months at this rate. I'm not home anymore, so I won't have the chance to get used to being in a place that won't have the sounds of her walking across the hardwood floors. I won't be able to get used to not hearing her bark in the middle of the night to tell us she had another accident. I wont be able to get used to her coming up to me and greeting me when she hasn't seen me in so long. I also won't be there to comfort my other dog when he cries at night because she isn't there with him. 

I don't have anyone here who knows in detail about what happened. Who knows how I think. Who knows how I feel, even if I don't show it. 

I know I have friends I can turn to, but they won't just tell me to cry when they see me smiling even though I'm hurting inside. 

I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore...

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I am beyond uncomfortable right now.

I woke up one morning to an email from my ex-boyfriend. An email that made me feel very uncomfortable.

I don’t know what to say. 

At the end, he said, “I felt like I had to send this to you. I’m not sure why though, something just told me I had to tell you that.”

Really? Because, everything that he mentioned in that email, sounded vaguely familiar to something I’ve seen before. Perhaps, I text post I had written just the day before I had received that email?

“You yearn for your crush. This I’m quite positive. You never had to tell me things for me to figure it out. “

…I rarely ever see you, but when I do, it makes my whole day better. I never get to have much time to be alone with you, without your roommate coming in and kicking me out. I don’t even get to talk to you often…

“I know he makes your day when he probably texts you or something right? It makes your heart skip a beat I’m sure.”

…when you send me text messages, after such long periods of not talking to you, it makes my heart skip a beat. Even if it’s just to say you’re hungry or something random, its still nice….

He found my tumblr. I feel as if he reads it when ever he can, searching for a text post to give him an insight as to what my life is like now that I’m single and away from him. Just the simple idea of this makes me cringe.

It makes me feel uncomfortable on so many levels.

Why does he have to do this? It’s one thing to just read the stuff I post, but to send me an email, basically giving away that you read every single thing that I posted, and then brush it off as you had a feeling about it? Just no.

No.

Ever since we’ve broken up, his actions have become so weird, and strange. First he asked for my parents email addresses, and now he went through the posts I write, and responds to them, but says he just had a feeling about it. That’s really creepy shit.

And creepy shit does not fly with me, or anyone else.

I even considered thinking of trying to be friends with him. All I needed was some space. Space that I could use to sort out my thoughts and feelings and see if it was something I really wanted to do. But with how he kept contacting me, even after I told him I needed space, or just doing the creepy shit that I mentioned before,  just makes me not want to be friends. Ever.

As of late, I haven’t had much of a chance to even sit down, and think about this relationship with him. Life has just been too busy, and now, too stressful. But when ever I tell him that I’ve been busy, or overwhelmed/stressed out, he goes on about how I can never always be so busy, or that he knows good time management (which I’m still learning). He just doesn’t understand. 

I can see that he cares. But the way that he is “caring” is not something that I need in my life right now. 

I don’t need to hear about how he can manage his time so well, and stuff. I don’t need to hear about how he can do this or that. I also don’t need to hear about how he knows what college is like. Sure, he goes to college too, but a community college. He hasn’t moved out and lived in a dorm. He hasn’t experienced what life is like away from home. Away from friends. He hasn’t experienced what it’s like to not have friends and to go out and make new ones. He doesn’t know what its like to not have any friends, or anyone to talk to over the weekends. He just doesn’t know. And he won’t know until he goes off to an actual university to experience these things himself. 

I just don’t know. 

I don’t think I can be friends with him. At all. Especially if he keeps doing the things he’s doing now. 

Sure, it’d be nice to go back to the time where we were friends, and things were fine. But, we can’t go back to the past. It’s the present. So many things have changed since then. 

And I don’t think I can see him being in the present, or my future at this rate.

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