dubericlub

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starry eyed

[dubericlub]

October 2024

Am I really good enough? I do love myself. I love seeing myself wearing good things, and being able to see beautiful things too. But, sometimes I feel so numb, believing that I was a loser in the past. The assumption comes from the fact that I didn't do a lot of things when I was young. I woke up in the morning, instead of thinking how grateful I am to see the world again, I rather opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “Why didn't I make beautiful memories, why didn't I build a romantic relationship due my high school?” Believe me, I have been thinking those silly things every morning for almost 4 years. Not every day, but I guess - often. Do I feel tired? Of course, of course I am. My body always carries my soul everyday, but it is rarely for me to give appreciation. I am really tired for thinking that I am not enough, that I didn’t do “enough” for my teenage years or college. Sometimes, I understand that I don’t have to be someone out there, or I don’t have to regret that much for not having “great achievement”. Because I know, every single person has their own story, and has their own time. I have been trying to know why I need to think about “regret, and feeling not enough”? Where and when I exactly start becoming the person that I always hope I am not. I can’t deny, family expectations, environment, and social media also encourage me to feel not enough. I hope you never experience those feelings guys. But, if you are also struggling to feel enough and be grateful for every moment in the past, I just want you to know that you are not alone. -Ra

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4/100 days of productivity.

Today I met up with my friend. She came to Jakarta 3 days ago and after 2 years didn’t seeing each other, finally we can share our thoughts, and live updates. Even though I felt a little bit nervous because we didn’t talk each other for a long time - but, I am really grateful to know that she’s doing okay.

Then, we decided to go to the library nearby. Studying again because my test will be scheduled in November, so I just have 2 months to prepare for it. I am trying to make it happy, slow, and not stress out too much because it will lead me to be more anxious.

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3/100 days of productivity.

I skipped one week doing nothing because I decided to visit my parents. It’s been 4 months since the last time I met them. I tried to reconnect with my parents and also my grandpa grandma. H-2 before going back to Jakarta, I reunited with my friends. We shared a lot of things, we laughed a lot, and we made good memories. We also fulfill our wish list to take a photo together in a photo box.

When I arrived in Jakarta and realized that we are separated again over 638 km - it really makes me sad. Even though we stay connected by social media, I want to be close with them in real life. But on the other side, I cannot lie - my life is here. My jobs are here, my dreams are here, I need to gather experiences here. So I will always keep them in my deepest heart, they are the main reason why I should be successful. That’s why I will push myself again and again until I get what I want.

But anyways, I really enjoyed my holiday. Even though I got sick after I arrived in Jakarta. This month, Madiun is really hot and I think my body can’t handle it so I got a headache and ulcer.

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2/100 days of productivity.

[disclaimer: I used this platform to build my study habit, especially to improve my English skill. I am sorry if you find something missing from my sentence. I will try my best]

Today, I have officially been here for a year. Working in a big city of this country, I didn't know anything at the first time, and also don’t have any relatives living here - must be hard for me. After my graduation, my family asked me “do you want to study again?”. I can’t deny, I really want to get my degree but at the same time, I want to make money for my family. So I decided to apply for a job and who knows, I ended up here. Everyday, when I feel demotivated or don't have any excitement to go to work - I always remember that I need to pursue my dreams, I need to make money so I can take a course, or make an effort for English certification that is really expensive :) I will face this process with gusto!

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The vibes!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

02.09.2024—very windy + productive monday 🌿✨💨

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Day 1/100 of productivity.

I am on my way preparing for my IELTS.

I am so sorry if I didn't use good grammar or something missing with this post :) So, the fact is, I wrote this post for myself. I don’t have any expectation that people will read this post but there’s always a possibility to find it - I am sure about this.

This is the first time for me to write a post on tumblr because I usually just read someone’s post. So I find that I need some challenge because after I got my score in TOEFL ITP, I never have any excitement to study again. Even though my score is not really good :) At that time, I wanted to apply for a scholarship for my master degree in Indonesia. That’s why I took the TOEFL test for the requirement. Then my parents and also my lecturer really pushed me to apply for my master degree abroad. I felt so confused after my parents said that. I didn’t know how to start because I knew that I don’t have good capability in English, especially speaking. But in the depth of my heart, studying abroad is always my dream. I still remember when I was in junior high school, I loved to collect information about “Living in the Netherlands, How to get your scholarship, etc”. Also I loved to read someone’s story when they were struggling to get a scholarship before they really got it. I want to study in the Netherlands, and I already have a specific university that I want to go to. I know this journey isn’t easy and never going easy. I know that I will face a lot of hurdles. I know that I will feel confused, want to give up. But I will remind myself as much as I want to give up, if I am not taking any action, if I am not ready with these challenges, if I am not tough, if not not study hard, I never have any possibility to level up my life, my family, my parents. We have been living in unstable financial conditions for a long time. So I want to be the person who takes care of them. I don’t care about the perceptions from people who suggest that I shouldn’t have to take my family’s burden or the one who said that I don’t have to take responsibility for my parent’s life because I WILL.