drunkcookiejuggler-blog

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hello

Hi!!

I've logged in after so long!! I must be horribly late replying!

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I like people with freckles..  Like fresh dewdrops on leaves and flowers in the morning. Beautiful!!

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Its the little things really. Like the toasties. the cute scowl. crazy bed-head. sleeping like a corpse, spread-eagle, on the floor. failed attempts to play the guitar, the freckles on your nose. Its really those. I would like to keep you!!

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28th April 2013 I see her everyday, masking her hurt with that bright smile. I wonder how she can manage it all those while. She tries hard to not let her guard down but on occasions when she thinks that no one's looking and stares at nothing in particular, I can see her smile droop and her lips tremble. At times she smiles like a Cheshire cat. She looks like one, adorable. Fools around like she doesn't have a care in the world, dances like a crazy rockstar, flailing around. Her smile still droops when she thinks no one's looking. And I can't do a thing but look at her from afar and pray and love.

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Summer in India!! Too soon and uninvited!!

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17th April 2013 I wish I never met her. I wish I hadn't gone to the cafe that I frequent, that particular day!! One long stare into those deep soulful eyes and I was an absolute goner!! My mind went all 'topsy-turvy'. She looked at me, caught my eye and I couldn't help but be commanded in that gaze. She reminds me of a certain someone. But I am not naive anymore nor would she be innocent even though her eyes say otherwise!! I wanted to stay longer after dinner, maybe talk a little. I ran away. I was scared and it still hurt!!

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Lost In a distance, dark heavy smoke hung, still, in the clashing bright blue sky with a thin trail of smoke still attached to the chimney, like a tail. Without a proper shape, constantly swaying with minute changes here and there, it looked like a lost demon who couldn't decide which shape to change into next. For an instant it also seemed to me like a kite stuck between wind blowing from two opposing direction, fluttering and flailing with all its might but still unable to escape or even scatter.  At that moment I thought right now I'm like that smoke, stagnant and still. Lost.

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Graduation or Farewell ceremonies in Indian Colleges and Universities requires students to wear 'Sari' or other regional traditional attires. The 'Sari' is an Indian attire which is basically a strip of unstitched cloth which is almost 9-10 yards in length and wrapped over the waist with the loose end of the drape to be slung over the shoulder, baring the midriff!! Had a hard time wrapping myself up properly since i didn't want to end up looking like a 'mummy'. Pleats were the hardest part.

Pleats. Decided to play safe with White and Gold. Val and I. Had to make my hair 'behave' with lots of wax!! :( I look like a boy in a lady's attire!!

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A Rose for the Stone As she turned again, probably for the last time, for another smile, another wave, another unspoken goodbye before reaching the curve in the road, a single tear managed to escape his eye! ''She's grown", he thought, "and she is lovely". He had wanted her to stay, wanted her to be with him every single day, everyday. He remembered the first time he saw her, the very first time he had ever held her - it was 'love at first sight'. He'd never seen anyone as beautiful, anyone as pure or anyone lovelier than her. Not one. As her distant figure disappeared somewhere around the bend, he knew he'd done good letting her go live her life. He would probably not see her next summer - his time was almost up. He'd only wanted for her to hold his hand whenever it was that life decide to embrace death, her face the last thing he'd seen before he departed - she, his only reason for existence, his sole purpose in this world. But then he had memories - of tiny hands, tiny feet running around the house, curious twinkling eyes, ice creams treats, tinkling laughter, messy hair and ribbons, shiny trophies and graduation hats. And a lot of Pictures. Of him. Of Hers. Theirs. This will do. For now, this will do.

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You Are Loved Sweetie!

:D Thank you!!^^I will be happy all day!!^^ 

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If you had been here today you'd have been around 32 by now. You would have been married by now. I would have been the annoying aunt to your equally annoying kids by now. Nine years is long. I will be graduating this year, as old as you were when.. I wish you were here right now..

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Us, Together against the World

Somehow I ended up opening the folder, that I had dreaded opening for the last 5 years, after accidentally coming across your photograph in the yearbook of our high school that I was going through. As I went through all of them pictures that held our time together I felt a lump forming somewhere in my throat. One picture had us doing crazy stunts in the hostel rooftop and the other had us 're-enacting' a scene from the horror movie 'Shutter' in our shared hostel room with me standing up, wobbly and you sitting on my shoulder in a white frock and your long flowing hair falling down to my shoulder, both bearing identical stupid toothy smiles. Of course I could lift you back then since I had gained weight and you were always so petite. It didn't help at all looking at all those pictures once again. I could feel my eyes sting. What happened to 'Us, together against the world'? What happened to us, rushing out of class to our room just to hide behind the curtain of our window to watch the boys, we used to secretly fan-girl for, once before they went inside their hostel?  What happened to those times where we learned how to swim in the hostel pool flailing around in the water like drowning cats? I wonder if you still hold me dear in your heart or was I one of the passing moments in your life. My flat mate comes in just as I let out an embarrassingly loud sob and understands what it was all about, looking at the monitor. She turns off the laptop and gives me one of her usual goofy smile and tells me  to get dressed. "We're going to go stalk cuties in the park", she says and wipes my tears, attacking me with tickles. Its relieving to know that I've found someone who knows me better even without words. Its good to know I'm with someone who is worth it all. Its good to know my best friend is here with me. Us, Together against the world

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4th April '13

I felt relieved that you came to the cafe today, albeit around closing time. Do I call myself a stalker since I frequent the cafe just to get even a glimpse of you? You look around the cafe and notice me and nod your head acknowledging me. My heart beat race. At least you know I exist.

You were with someone and I saw you looking at her tenderly and laugh at something that she said. I could see the happiness sparkle in your eyes as you held her. Yes, I felt a knife go right through my heart. I look away and stare at the closed window. Even the window doesn't spare me and I see your reflection, standing in the counter, getting your food, laughing at Jay’s jokes, the friendly owner of the cafe.   Its been a year already, since I first saw you, sitting in this cafe, working away diligently in your MacBook. I smile a bitter smile at my fate.

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'Hush now', she said, wiping my tears, 'it will pass'. Holds me close to her. I hear her heartbeat race. Brushes my hair gently, hands shaking. 'I had been there too, felt it too', she whispers. I don't say a word.  I knew exactly what she was talking about. I'm selfish. So I just let her hold me, her heartbeat still racing.

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All the resentment that I feel for you faded away into nothingness when I saw you giving away your mittens and woolen scarf to the shivering old homeless lady siting on the pavement in the street behind the school.  Where was the overconfident rude bitch that I see everyday? I guess today, for the first time in years since we've been classmates, you gave me a reason to like you. I retrace my steps and walk away from the scene, smiling!!

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She is Love

Even when you were staring at him and giggled when he was acting funny and stupid, a part of my heart broke. It was bad when you started scribbling and making doodles out of his name in your notebook in the class. It worsened when you found out we went for the same guitar lessons and you asked me to introduce you to him. All my life you confided your every little secret in me, every single one, those that never failed to make me smile. Was it then that I fell for you? Its like a circle really, can’t find the beginning nor the end. I started getting really busy, intentionally though. Didn’t attend your marriage or should I say didn’t have the strength to. We really fell apart, didn’t we? Whatever was left of our friendship, secretly loving you, everything. I thought I had moved on. I was back at square one late one evening when you were in the park taking a walk with your daughter in the Pram.  I could see the surprise in your face and also your eyes welling up. You hug me tight and hit my head saying ‘Stupid, where were you? I searched for you everywhere’. I could feel my wet eyes and I could see the distance between us.  I learnt that your daughter is only 3 and a half months old. I think she’s beautiful just as you were when you were that young, just as you are now. I hold back my tears. You tell that you named her Madeline after my middle name. I could feel my smile creep back in. I hold her and notice how tiny and fragile she is.  You tell me to visit you as soon as I can because you missed me and wanted to catch up on your ‘best friend’. I excuse myself politely saying I would indeed be glad to, after noting down your address and you having saved my number in your phone, and that I was a expected somewhere in 15 minutes and hurried away from you, never turning back to wave. My eyes were pouring. I struggled to keep my determination to not even go anywhere near your neighbourhood. How was I to know that you’d leave me for good some months later when the phone rang to let me know that your husband, you and your baby were in a fatal accident and only Madeline survived.  I could feel a part of me die. I couldn’t cry and just slumped into the floor like a heap of empty clothes.  I was informed that you so arranged that I was to be given her custody in case any thing happened to both of you.  Why would you do that?  She still has a grandmother and an aunt. Why? I’d only ran as far as I could from you. It wasn’t until two days that I could pick up the pieces that I was in to get Madeline from your husband’s sister’s home. It was only when I held her I broke apart. She would never know you. She would never hear you sing her to sleep and she would never feel what it was to have you brush her hair tenderly with your fingers. She’s 5 today. I hope you are looking after her from above. I hope you give me the strength to keep her away from harm.  ‘Mamma’ she calls me softly as I was about to leave the room. I feel my eyes well up as I make my way to her in the almost ‘darkened’ room and sit on the floor propping my arms on the bed. God! she’s beautiful!! ‘Mamma sing me the ‘bwue sky’ song, pwease’, she says. I brush her hair away from her face. Slowly she drifts into dreamland as I hum her ‘bwue sky’ song. How can I stop my tears? Yes, she’s just like you.

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Daisies

Its raining heavily today. In my one room flat, I sit facing the window in the recliner that we'd bought from this antique shop in my neighbourhood and sip coffee with a loud slurp from the now slightly chipped coffee cup that you had once gifted me some few years ago on a similar rainy night. For some reason I left the window open even though the floor is wet as my face is and I can feel the cold creep in gradually. Its uncanny really how I can feel my heart race with every thought of you.  I s'pose I have to sleep early tonight since I have to visit you t'morrow but I don't want to move an inch from where I sit staring at the dark sky. Its been 3 years since you are gone and I still can't summon enough strength to throw away little things that you left behind, like this coffee cup or the recliner or the ring that I still wear. I'll bring you flowers tomorrow. Daisies. White and innocent like you were. I'll bring you Daisies.