driftinggalaxies

[driftinggalaxies]

[driftinggalaxies]

(Un)willing to Stay, (Un)willing to Leave

How long have you thought of leaving? Was it the nights you cried endlessly while you begged me to stay? The moment you left I knew I would not be hearing from you anymore and that pains me a lot. The excruciating pain of not thinking that the night before you left would be the last time I would be hearing from you--how you sang Yellow and If. These two songs assured me of your love, how much you felt the same amount of happiness as you put it, telling me that you will never stop smiling when you are with me. But these never happened because you left. I knew from the start that this would crash down. We both tried; I tried to leave you but you begged to stay. Day by day, it was getting hard for me because I really fell in love with you, longing to be with you, wake up beside you. I thought we could shelve our best friendship to let you think over things but it never happened. I guess it's just bound to happen. We are not for this lifetime, but for another lifetime. It hurts to think that we used to talk about finding each other in another lifetime or in a parallel universe, it's us. Dancing under the kitchen light, cooking your favourite Teochew-style steamed pomfret, singing our songs together, making love with our songs on.

I know you do not want to leave that night but you had to. I know it would happen but I wasn't ready at that night. I did not expect it would be that night but what fool am I to think that after the conversation with your superior, you will really be back and we'll just talk what should we do. But that was the end of it, "i love you" was your last message.

I am happy that you are happy now after that grueling year. I am sorry I did not give you a happy ending nor closure and I am happy that finally you were able to get out. I figured you will not be happy with me in the long run should have things worked out together. I guess heaven will be our last resort and we'll see each other there, isn't that what we have agreed?

It pains me to not hear you anymore sing, it pains me not to tell you how much I love you, how much I look forward for your home vacation and pick you up at the airport with my blue bottle water cap in my nose just like how my little self was. I just miss us.

You had to leave. I have to return you to Him, you belong to Him. But I hope you will never forget me.

Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. As long as it is your happiness.

Finally, you have reached your own Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

Karen Theresa, I am very sorry. I apologise for not giving you a happy best friendship. Forgive me.

See you in heaven. I will patiently wait for you there.

[driftinggalaxies]

I want to tell you how my day went but you seem busy looking for another galaxy. That's fine, I have already buried you in my head. I have full respect for the dead.

[driftinggalaxies]

Letters to Karen Theresa #3

Karen Theresa,

Weaving words to describe how I exactly feel for you is hard just like how your ancestors carefully weave their best robes.

Now that you are laying your head on my lap, I danced my fingers cha-cha to your soft face creating galaxies that formed you into what you are now.

I love you always and forever, Karen Theresa.

Edward

15.05.2021

[driftinggalaxies]

cutting my hair today

Today, I cut

my hair short

so I'll forget

yesterday's lullabies

everything that

my fibers felt

for you

[driftinggalaxies]

untitled

Now that these butterflies

inside my stomach

are gone

and fear haunt me

in these sheets

i call home

when i can't bear

daylight's torture

of not feeling

your presence

instead, i pick up

my phone and

play on loop

your song

that way,

i may feel

we are together

laying my head

to your shoulder

soft as the

sheets

you sleep at night

[driftinggalaxies]

Tombstone

Now that you're

no longer in my

messages

I respect the dead

by leaving flowers

and lighting candles

enough for you

to be noticed by strangers

Today I wrote

your name

at the 'souls in purgatory

mass intentions' at a nearby church

along those

who I know

are dead

Now that you're

no longer responding

I wish

that you will reach

the "heaven"

your god

has promised you.

[driftinggalaxies]

spilled milk

now that you know how horrible i am, you must understand how much courage it took me to open the skeletons i hid under my bed. as much as i wanted to lessen the tears i release at night, i couldn't. my eyes won't stop crying oceans of salty tears. sometimes, it feels like there's no end to it.

when i ripped off the skin they said soft, i'm scared i might lose you at any moment but then you brought life to my once grayscale life. i never took pictures of flowers along the road but now i do. i do notice the things i never thought of, such as a snail. is that what scientists like you, do?

i hope you don't mind studying these skeletons i have. because it would be lovely for you to accept the fibers of my being.

i just hope so.

[driftinggalaxies]

Für Karen Theresa

Though your sweet voice calm me more than anyone, why do I feel a sudden stab in my heart every time I listen to it? A few months ago, I was head over heels but now the pain is seeping its way through my veins. What if I lose you? You're one of the hardest to catch.

I already did. But I will still be here where you left me.

I want to feel (again) the fibers of your being, to touch you on your most glorious and saddest days. I lost words to write about you, but I found a thesaurus to find the best synonym to describe you: love.

You bring love to my wrecked soul yet, you bring such storm I do not want to ever walk at.

[driftinggalaxies]

"How will you spend the 24 hours you have been given today?"

*Kaohsiung in film. Credits here.

you asked.

I will look for the footsteps you left going to Kaohsiung, touch the soft sheets you cried and slept at nights, admire the moon at its all forms like you do; sing my heart to your Jesus because you love him so much, play the piano calm as you are, walk along the Love River you always passed by, take a picture of everything you see.

See how I romanticize even your smallest acts?

---

Sihouette

Oh, to be in your loving presence

Smell the unknown fragrance

you left on your way to Him

Oh, to touch those soft hands

that plays the piano immaculately

see those eyes

that seemed to sleep

even in the brightest mornings

hold my hand

together we will brave the

storms

your insecurities

that crushes you at night

[driftinggalaxies]

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[driftinggalaxies]

War zone

Here we are

In our war zone

Mountains growing

between us

Silence and tears

Eyes are heavier

than a thousand oceans

drifting off

to the peaceful abyss

galaxies dancing

under my eyelids

Once again,

i felt the warmness

one,

two,

your trembling hands

danced the cha-cha on

my dripping wet cheeks

to your touch,

i surrender.

-karen theresa, 2021

[driftinggalaxies]

Tulips

The tulips grew day by day remembering the mountains between us. Him at Singapore while I at Taiwan. For one split second, I thought of us while gathering all the strength and courage. I realized I have been falling in love with Edward since he picked up the pen I unintentionally dropped years ago. Every morning felt love and happiness but one thing was missing: him. It was long before I realized what my heart says but the idea haunted me for so long I shut it off and said I am being tested by my faith. I have been faithful and longed to be with Him but this intense, confusing feeling bothered me. The more I brush off the feeling, the more I deal with torturing myself. But what are the odds? Rekindling that 2010 love I silently shared with Edward became a reality. No one knew about it.

The tulips have grown, this remind me of my growing love and longing to be with him. How many years do we have to deal with before we finally feel each other's arms? It has been years since he hugged and promised to stay in touch. The pang, the haunting...it is always there. Of how much I hurt myself because I kept denying what my heart and soul say. Yes, I love Him but, He gave me this man I prayed long time ago. His kindness and gentle touch basking in his warm arms built such intimacy I never felt with anyone. Even if these convent walls warm the coldest nights, it never compares to the warmth he brings to me. His soft hands doing the cha-cha on my avion blue skirt tickles me and remember all the butterflies when I first saw him. And the days when I look at the moon and feel its warmth; sending all the love and bring them to him.

This war will soon end. The eternity comes after battling all the scars we are going through, the oceans we have to cross just to be together again.

--Karen Theresa, 2022

[driftinggalaxies]

Luminescence

Dear Karen Theresa,

When the war ends, a beautiful seed from you will grow. The kindness and devotion to everything he/she does. The epitome of soft-spokenness that is you, of how beautiful your voice wakes me up each day, and learn to be grateful.

How lucky I am to marry the woman I once dreamt of at the Loyola halls and the sunshine that forever lights my soul. For one split second, you always make me smile at the little things I do not see as a gift from Him.

Together we may survive battling this war and finally belong to each other. My heart always long for you.

Edward

02.24.21

[driftinggalaxies]

See You

Karen Theresa woke up under the Sicilian sky full of hope and dreams. At 4am, she gets up and prays the rosary. At 5am, she goes down the chapel to pray at the Holy Sacrament eyes closed, hands clasped, soft lips murmuring all the prayers she mastered before while learning the Catholic faith. She opens the Bible and sings her favorite verse: I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have called you and you are mine. What a great day to start her day, learn the beautiful Italian language, work with the local elderly nuns, water the sunflowers that have bloomed as lovely as she wanted them to be, feed the baby rabbit a customer from the bookstore gave her (because he thought that little brown rabbit was lovely as her) with so much joy. Karen Theresa, who, played the piano since Primary 6 and sang the song "please don't take my sunshine away" drew a man who was the same age as hers, stood 6ft tall, and is living at the neighborhood seminary.

"Canta così adorabile come i girasoli accanto a lei," he said in his Italian.

The following morning, Karen Theresa walked to the neighborhood. She looked at the dailies and took a picture of them. Coming out from the chapel, he unexpectedly saw her gazing at them.

"Ciao," she said in her borrowed Italian.

"Ciao," he replied. He figured she is not Italian but rather someone from Asia because of her eyes. "I bet you are studying Italian."

As usual, Karen Theresa let out her smile. "Yes," she replied shyly. "Are you also from here?"

"Yes, actually I just got out of the chapel to walk. It's springtime, you should walk best in the mornings." She let out a shy smile again and said goodbye walking away from the man.

When you move away from Singapore to Italy, the body part that would be the last to adjust to the new environment is your tongue. Karen Theresa spoke Mandarin Chinese and fluent English, but she struggled to speak her borrowed Italian.

At night, after the community meal, she would gaze up in the starry sky and think of nothing but a reflection of today. Closing her eyes, she remembered the man she met at the neighborhood seminary and looked at the spot where they first met. She smiled and felt something that has been so familiar, the symphony of her heartbeat when she knew that there is something.

While in the neighborhood, he felt the same.

Both closed their eyes, hands clasped, asking the Heavenly God, "What is this feeling?"

On Sunday morning, they met again. She was at the piano and him walking close to her.

"See you in my prayers," they bid each other goodbye.

Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Venus, the goddess of love, smiled and heaved a sigh of relief. Both dreamt they were happily walking in the fields of sunflowers under the Tuscan sun; Karen Theresa in her avion blue dress and him in his green shirt and slacks.

The goddess knew that this gift was enough.

[driftinggalaxies]

sunday still

On a Sunday morning

come a woman who

wore avion blue dress

her eyeglasses square

played the piano

so sweet

so painstakingly perfect

hands so soft, i wonder

and that smile

...so hauntingly beautiful

[driftinggalaxies]

little firehouse

it was 2015 when i first felt what they call "home". not the home we used to leave and go home to, but you. it has always been you. waking up early in the morning and you were the first thing i'll see--you looking at me with your big eyes and the galaxies carved at your face, that green shirt you always wore, and the warm kiss we shared. it was everything.

i miss cupping your face and stare at it. and the mountains that formed such intimacy between us.