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Let the light in

Rafe Cameron x ex-best friend pogue!reader

Summary: After Rafe drunkenly opens up his bare soul to you for the second time in your life, you're left bewildered and confused. You want to run away before he can pull you back in but perhaps a connection so profound is destined to be revived , in more ways than one.

warnings: angst , cursing , sexual content!

word count: 5k

part one , part two

~

The only evidence that indicated his presence was the empty glass of water on the coffee table and the - now dry - piece of cloth on the ground beside the worn-out couch. Rafe was gone the morning after.

He didn't reply to your last statement that night. You remember him staring at you blankly, your words slashing open another hole in his heart. So much blood, there's so much blood. Both of your wounds keep ripping open and you're both desperately trying to patch them up. Your efforts are in vain, the history behind them is too deep.

Why did he leave? Did he regret it? Did he even remember anything? Did he wake up , and was horrified at the sight of his surroundings, of your house? Did he know he opened his heart again, just like the time he told you he was in love with you?

Whatever his reasoning was, it was adequate to urge him to disappear from your house without a single word. But he did always have a habit of leaving, didn't he? Stop thinking he's who he used to be, stop thinking he's still your childhood friend , stop thinking he's still your first love.

I wish I could go back to the start.

You wanted to elbow him, slap him across the face and scream at him for a further explanation. He wishes he could go back to the start?. You wish there was no start at all ;  you want to rip your hair out and scream at your small, puffy-  cheeked five year old self to run when she sees that adorable, blue eyed boy approaching her at the playground. You want to warn her, caress her hair and tell her what a horrible person he is , tell her he's the fucking boogeyman ; anything to keep her away from the inevitable pain.

You can't.

You suppose the pain won't ever stop , you had growing accustomed to it before he reappeared. Pain is okay, it's to be expected when it stems from something that used to be so profound. You've sobbed yourself to sleep countless of times, until your eyes were itchy and red and your throat felt raw ; it felt really good, crying about him. Like unleashing your emotions inside the four walls of your cramped room, where they bounced off them and stayed inside.

That's what needs to happen. You can sob and cry and scream as much as your body allows you to ; you're entitled to. But you shouldn't be lead by pain.

So , as you're crying about Rafe Cameron under your warm, fluffy blanket and with the enchanting glow of the moon cascading over your body through your sketchy blinds , you understand that blotchy tears and sore throats won't get you anywhere. You're not okay - at the moment - but you will be, someday.

You're going to keep living until that moment arrives. Until the sight of him makes your lips tight and taut instead of wobbly, until he stops appearing in your dreams like an unachievable target, until he merely becomes a ghost of your past instead of a monster of your present.

Until then, salty tears and rapid headaches are your only resolution.

~

Since you were a child, you've always found getaways in order to escape the malicious feeling of pure pain. Crying and screaming assisted you in facing your pain, in confronting it. Nevertheless, at times you don't want to turn into a sobbing mess , you want not to think about it at all.

You've always loved the sea.

The sound of your feet digging into the sand and the soft splashing sound of the waves hitting the shore prevails over your soul crashing thoughts as you continue to increase the distance between you and your house. The beach is quiet and tranquil -mostly- a couple of people here and there, but the amount diminishing the further you find yourself walking.

Walking. Which is exactly what you planned to do until - you don't know - got lost, or until someone found you and dragged you away. You didn't plan to stop, not for anything, not for anyone.

You stare at the point where the sky meets the sea, the sun casting a warm, orange hue over the clear waters. You wished to be as beautiful and free as the ocean one day.

You love silence. You love feeling the wind slipping through your hair, the salt sticking to your skin and the sun turning your cheeks a pretty shade of rose. It's a feeling almost equivalent to the comfort a loved one can provide you with , the difference being that this feeling won't ever make you hurt.

The sun has fully set, shielding itself between the mountains. You're walking back home, silently cursing yourself for not bringing a jacket with you ; the breeze making you grit your teeth and causing goosebumps on your skin.

You hear the loud roar of a motorcycle emerging from the distance, and you despise yourself for immediately having thoughts about a certain person when the sound reaches your ears. It's the outer banks, nearly everyone has a motorcycle. Nevertheless, luck was never really on your side.

Not tonight at least.

You want to scream at the top of your lungs when you hear the vehicle slowing down, before it comes to an abrupt stop right next to your figure. You gnaw on your bottom lip as you turn to look at him; he's slowly removing his helmet, and you almost wish the face that's hiding under was a stranger. But you suppose he's a stranger anyway.

You meet icy blue eyes, silence ensues. Cold, empty, bloody silence.

You could run, curse him out, slap him across the face with as much power as you can hold. Why are you frozen?

"It's late." The silence is broken by his deep voice ; you can hear it ever so slightly breaking out, "You shouldn't be walking alone."

Your mouth parts as you stare at him, "I'm fine." Your voice is quiet, the wind roaring louder. You stare at the way his Adam's apple bops as he thinks of a reply.

"What are you doing out here?" You hate that you your mind has fooled you to believe there's a hint of concern hidden in his tone. He doesn't care, he doesn't care, he doesn't care.

You stare at him for a moment, mindlessly. You open your mouth, "You left." You spit the combination of words out. You're not even sure if your statement hints towards the night that occured recently, or him leaving your life two years ago. You don't even bother to elaborate, whatever conclusion he draws will have the exact same outcome.

You can immediately tell your words startle him from the way the muscles in his jaw flex and tense. He sighs, scratching his jaw slowly "I didn't want to wake you up."

So,he picked the first version.

His words ring through your ears , your expression turning into something a lot more bitter. You immediately shake your head ; your feet are already making the first steps back to your path , "Goodnight, Rafe."

You feel a strong hand wrapping around your wrist, your body coming to an abrupt stop as the sensation of his touch courses throughout your entire body. You want to scream as loud as you can.

You don't turn your body around, he doesn't lessen his hold, none of you speak for sometime; probably filtering the gravity of your situation, from both sides of the story.

"I meant it." His words are spoken in a whisper, "All of it, every single word, I meant all of it."

Your throat instantly clogs up and your chest tightens as the ambiguous words sink in. I meant all of it. What did he mean? What is he referring to? The night he left you? The night of the thunderstorm? The night he told you he was in love with you? The night he came to your house drunk after years?

Rafe has said so many different things, and you could him to ask to elaborate, to be more specific on whether he still loves you the way he did or he despises your guts like he's supposed to.

You think you're allowed to be selfish for once in your life, you're not obliged to be Rafe Cameron's emotional punchbag, not when you're still frozen , not when you're still stuck at the place where he left you.

"Goodnight, Rafe." You repeat quietly, your hand slowly slipping out of his hold as you walk away.

He doesn't follow you, and - for the first time - you're glad he doesn't.

~

Your teeth forcefully grit together as your hand gently rests itself on the area between his shoulder blades ; groans spill from his lips like a robust waterfall as he stuffs his face inside your toilet bowl, his body limp and frozen on your cold tiles.

Your hand gently caresses his broad back, your legs tucked under you and your bottom lip drawn between your teeth. "You're okay, it's okay." You whisper words of comfort as Rafe empties his whole stomach inside the bowl, your other hand moving to pull his curtain bangs away from his eyes.

He hoarsely coughs out the last drops  , breathing heavily as he moves his head away and lazily rests it on the toilet seat. You immediately scrunch up your nose at the sight, before gently moving your hands to cradle his head. "Come on." You whisper gently, moving his head right side up.

Groans spill from his lips at the change of position , lazy blinks directed at your face. You sigh quietly as you lift up the wet cloth you were holding and begin softly dapping at his mouth to clean him up.

Rafe hums contently, instantly leaning into your touch. You ignore the feeling of adoration bubbling in your chest at his sweet face, instead pulling the cloth away. "I can't lift you up,can you stand?" You whisper softly, sliding your fingers through his hair. Rafe mumbles a short response, nodding his head as he grips the marble of the toilet bowl to stand up. His legs are inevitably wobbling, and you  snake an arm around his waist to assist in steading him.

When he's stable, you slowly begin walking him towards your bedroom, softly kicking the door open with your foot.  You stumble a few times, barely managing to not tumble to the ground before you reach the bed. You slowly lay his broad body atop it, he lands with a soft hum.

You let out a soft sigh, before sitting right next to him. His eyes are closed, chest heaving up and down peacefully. You grab another wet cloth, scooting closer to him. You softly run the cloth down his face, wiping the sweat away carefully and offering him a sense of refreshment.

"Mhm," soft hums of pleasure leave his lips, his eyelids softly dropping open. The sides of his mouth quirk up in a soft smile. "You're so pretty."

Your teeth dig into your bottom lip to conceal your small smile; an odd tightening sensation occuring in your stomach at his words. "Sit up." You reply instead, bending forward to drop the cloth on the bedside table and grab the filled glass of water.

He groans quietly, but eventually obeys and slowly sit up. You hand him the glass carefully , his hand slightly shaky as he grips it. You watch as he downs it, grimacing slightly but knowing you'll possibly scream at him if he denies it.

You place the now empty glass back on the bedside table; he stares at you, giddily. You softly cradle the back of his head as you push him to lay back down on your fluffy pillow.

"No-" he suddenly speaks up, making your eyebrows immediately furrow at his words. "No?" You inquiry, utterly bewildered. He immediately shakes his head, groaning at his own action from the dizziness before he carelessly plops his head on your lap.

Your breath hitches at the action; you stare for a moment, dumbfounded and bewildered before he speaks up. "Better." He mumbles, tilting his body so his face is looking up at you. You stare down at him, at his silly expression that's stretched into a bright grin. "You're so pretty." He repeats slowly.

You shake your head, before moving your hand and tamely running it through his soft locks. He hums quietly, tilting his face to the side and nuzzling his nose against your hand. Your heart rapidly fills with warmth at the sweet sight, the side of your mouth quirking up.

"You need to stop drinking so much, I'm worried about you." You whisper softly, still playing with the mess on his head. "Do you promise me, Rafe?"

His pretty eyes gaze into yours , the pale colour reminding you of the tranquility that can only be found in the deep, blue waters. You've always loved the sea.

Instead of a reply to your question, Rafe merely smiles lazily. He lifts his hand, thumb softly grazing your pouty, plush bottom lip. "I'm so in love with you, you're the only one who cares."

I'm so in love with you , you're the only one who cares .

I'm so in love with you , you're the only one who cares .

I'm so in love with you , you're the only one who cares .

You wake up with a strangled gasp , your chest heaving up and down and your hair clinging to your forehead from the sweat that had gradually accumulated there. Your heart is beating inside your ears, as you filter your surroundings.

It is not the first time you had dreamt of that night,nor would it be the last. Alas, it usually drifted from what had actually occurred; your dreams are rarely accurate, anyway.

This time, every small and insignificant detail was so chillingly on point that you felt as if you were reliving the memory; that you were reliving that night, that you were reliving the moment he told you how he felt.

It's raining again; the thunder roaring in the distance and the raindrops rapidly falling against your living room windows. You had accidentally fallen asleep on your couch, a trashy show playing on your TV.  Your nails dig into your palms as you bring them to your eyes, elbows resting on your knees as you groan. Will you ever be okay?

The sound of the thunderstorm is excessively loud, yet not loud enough to drown out the sound of rapid knocks on your wooden door. Your eyebrows instantly scrunch together, before a wave of realization washes over you. The skies are dark and the rain is pouring, there's only one person that would ever ignore that. Your feet mindlessly lead you to the door.

When you unlock the door a wave of rain hits you, making you huff. You meet icy blue eyes under wet curtain bangs; you immediately grab his hand to pull him Inside,not postponing it or filtering your action.

No words are spoken as you hurry towards the bathroom, grabbing a clean towel and scurrying back towards the living room. You throw it to him, irritation bubbling inside your veins.

He catches it immediately, leaning forward to dry his wet hair. You stare at him, trying to comprehend the fact that Rafe Cameron is currently standing in the middle of your living room, drying himself with your towel and he doesn't look drunk.

"What are you doing here, rafe?" You whisper,a peculiar feeling of anger rising inside your chest. "I doubt you randomly decided to drive through the south side of the island during a fucking thunderstorm."

He immediately freezes at your words, discerning the bitterness behind them. He lets out a soft sigh as he drops the wet towel on the couch, lifting his gaze to meet your eyes. He breathes through his nose, "I wasn't." He speaks up, "I wanted to see you."

Your nose scrunches up, teeth digging into your bottom lip until you can practically taste blood. "Are you drunk again?" You can't help but spit out the first sentence that comes to mind.

Rafe breaths out slowly, "I'm not drunk, Y/n." Your arms come around to loosely hug your waist as his words sink in. You stare at him for a short moment, before letting out another sigh. "Why are here then?"

He stares at you, desperately attempting to meet your gaze. Your eyes remain fixed on the ground by his feet. He sighs. "My thoughts are drowning me."

Your eyes narrow at the ground, before you lift them up. "Your thoughts are drowning you?" Your repeat his own words back to him, quietly.

His nostrils slightly flare before he nods, "They are." He breaths out, "I've tried to escape them all these years, and I was doing fine-  " he takes a deep breath, "Before you showed up at my front door."

You don't reply, but you can feel the way your manicured nails dig into your bicep.  He immediately sighs, shaking his head. "Please say something." his voice is nothing but a weak whisper, it makes your chest ache.

You breathe out slowly, "What do you want me to say, Rafe?"

He immediately shakes his head in response, "Anything." He breaths out, "Scream at me, curse me out, throw a fucking book at my head -" his voice croaks , "Just, please - don't be as silent as you are in my dreams."

Your breath hitches at his words, the dream you had before he showed up practically taunting you in your head. He had dreams about you?

"I don't want to do that anymore." You croak out a reply quietly, "I don't want to hurt you anymore, it's pointless - "

"But I deserve it!" He instantly interferes , stepping a slight bit closer to you. "I deserve your anger, I deserve every bit of it." He whispers, his eyes pleading in the gloomy room. "I'm a horrible person, y/n."

You immediately shake your head, your arms falling back to your sides, "Rafe, you don't have to say -"

"I regret everything." He interferes again before you can finish your sentence, "Do you know how many nights I've spent dreaming of your face the night I told you to leave me alone?  " He whispers, and you desperately want to scream.

"Rafe - " you whisper breathlessesly , if only he knew how many times you've dreamt of the same night.

"I always tried to do everything right by - by him."  When Rafe speaks those words, he looks exactly like the small child he once was, the one that was craving his father's love.

Because you instantly know what he means , who he's referring to. You knew from the moment he let you go that his father had played a big part in it , that he had pulled certain strings. Rafe was a child that needed love, the same child that is still in him and begging to be healed.

You can feel your anger diminishing little by little , until all you can feel is remorse. You don't speak yet, he continues .

"He told me - he told me that I have  responsibilities as his son." He whispers ,  " - and that I've reached the age where I should start owning up to them. " He adds, fingers anxiously running through his messy hair. "Our image was one of them."

You don't interfere, instantly understanding that he's spilling out everything he has bottled up for god knows how long. He takes a deep breath ;  his hands coming up to rub his eyes fiercely, "this is so stupid - it's so fucking stupid." He whispers , and your heart immediately cracks. "He - he told me that being seen with people like you shows my value." You could barely decipher his glassy eyes in the gloominess of the night, "and he told me that's not what we - as a family - stand for."

The distance between you has diminished as your legs slowly move towards his broken frame. His body is slightly hunched over, his hands finding their way back to his eyes. "I'm so sorry, y/n."  his voice is quiet, "I'm so sorry, so sorry."

You can't physically see the tears pouring from his eyes , but the croaking of his voice serves as an indication, a broken indication. This is the moment that you have been eagerly waiting for years. Rafe Cameron is in a vulnerable position, he's driven by pain; the most malicious feeling. You finally have the upper hand, you can exploit the situation, you can make him drop to his fucking knees and beg till his throat goes raw and his knees start bleeding. You can cause him the pain you so desperately wish you could cause him since that horrible night.

You can do it  - god - you should do it.

You take a single step before your hands gently grip his wrists, moving them away from his puffy eyes. In the next second your arms gently snake themselves around his neck, face burying itself into the crook of his neck . He freezes for a mere second before his own arms tightly wrap around your waist, bringing your bodies together.

It has been years since Rafe Cameron cried in your arms. Yet, as you feel the tears falling against your hair and you shake as his body rakes with sobs ; you suppose nothing really changed. He's still the same broken boy that yearns for comfort and you're still the same loving girl that will provide him it. Always.

"It's okay, Rafe." You whisper comfortingly, one hand coming up and raking through his messy hair. "It's okay,I understand." Another sob is given as a reply, you feel him shake his head against your hair.

"You're an angel."  He whispers against the top of your head, his hand slowly running up and down your back in a comforting manner. "The sweetest angel."

Your breath hitches against his throat, and you slowly move your head back to meet his eyes. Pain, there's so much of it. Your hands are shaking as they move to his cheeks, ever so slightly grazing them to wipe away the tears. He immediately leans into your touch like a starving cat, his eyelids falling closed.

You're an angel.

"I meant it." Your body is taken back to that night on the beach, when he uttered those same words rather ambiguously. You remember being desperate for an elaboration but selfishly not asking for one. You suppose you'll receive it today.

His eyes are boring into yours now, the prettiest shade of blue; even when they're puffy and broken.  "I knew exactly what I was saying when I told you I was in love with you." Your heart practically jumps out of your chest at the sound of his words, mouth parting.

"I know it, because I've never felt it for anyone else, nor will I ever feel it." He continues, lowering his face. " My heart became yours the moment you hurt your knee at the playground." Your eyes sting at the sweet memory of your first encounter.

Rafe doesn't stop there, instead bringing a hand to push a strand of hair away from your face as he continues. "I searched for you in everyone else,do you know that?" You're staring at him, not able to form a single fucking word.

Rafe smiles rather sadly, "That girl you saw me at the party with?" He whispers softly, "I know you saw me, my chest tightened the moment our eyes met." You gnaw on your bottom lip at the bitter memory.

"She had your eyes, hair and almost had your smile." He whispers, before shaking his head "Almost ." He repeats, gaze falling to your plush lips . "I couldn't look into her eyes though, that would only remind me that she wasn't you."

Your eyes sting further at that, and you cannot comprehend the amount of emotional information you were given. Because what is actually happening? You immediately shake your head, not knowing what to do or how to act.

"I would trade the touch of a million women if it meant I could look into your eyes everyday." Your heart swarms with warmth at the sweet words, and you genuinely want to scream.

"Rafe." You finally find the strength within you to speak up. "Do you understand what you're saying?"

He gazes into your beautiful eyes for a moment, his hand continuing to caress your back. "I'm saying what I should have said years ago." He whispers softly, "What I should have said before letting you walk out of my life like you weren't the best thing to ever happen to me."

Your breath hitches again, fanning his pouty lips due to the close proximity. He slowly runs his fingers through your hair, "If you tell me to fuck off , to never speak to you again, I'll completely understand." He elaborates after a beat of silence. "I just - I see you  in my mind all the time and I- I can't even think properly when I know you hate the person I've become." He whispers , eyes never leaving yours.

Silence ensues.

"Please,say something." His tone is nothing but yearning and pleading. "Please."

Instead of providing him with a verbal response, you find yourself balancing on your tippy toes as you gently place your lips on top of his, knocking the air out of his own lungs. The hand that was caressing your back falters for a moment , before it tightly wraps around your waist as the other moves to cradle your jaw. When Rafe starts moving his lips against yours, your mind turns hazy and foggy.

Your first kiss is languid and slow ; your hands are gently running through his locks as he softly grips your hips. You suppose you should have said something more instead of silencing him with your mouth. You also suppose that actions speak louder than words.

"Tell me this is real." He whispers against your lips, his nose slowly nuzzling against yours. The corners of your mouth lift immediately, receiving one in return when he feels it against his own.  "Fully healing is going to take time." You whisper softly, your lips grazing his as you talk. "But this is real."

Rafe's heart immediately swarms with warmth at your words ; they're almost like a bandage, slowly covering each and every cut that was causing his heart to bleed. The ice around his eyes gradually melts away, because the light of his life has returned.

He tilts your chin up, his face brightening up after what feels like forever. "We'll heal eachother." He whispers gently, before reconnecting your lips.

Time seems to slow down after that, your hands are gently tugging at his hair as he languidly slips his tongue into your mouth. Your breath hitches as he slides it against yours, your tummy blossoming with newborn butterflies.

You don't know how much time has passed in eachother's mouths before you're pulling away and wrapping your hand around his wrist. His eyebrows scrunch in confusion; the feeling immediately washes away when you begin walking him towards the direction of your bedroom. He remembers where it is, this house used to be his own.

His body covers yours like a blanket the moment you lay yourself on your soft mattress; his lips immediately search yours again as your hands slide across his broad shoulders. He pulls away after a moment, only to pepper your face with small kisses. You let out a soft giggle as he showers you with adoration, his lips quirking up at the beautiful sound.

"You're gorgeous." He whispers against your jaw before his mouth moves lower , nose snuggling against your bare neck. When he begins sucking and nibbling, you can do nothing but moan at the sweet sensation, hand slowly caressing the back of his head.

"You sound so sweet." Your pajama shirt has been discarded to the floor, his lips moving over your breasts languidly. He closes his mouth around a nipple, softly sucking on it and causing small whimpers to fall from your lips. "Oh-"

He smiles softly, before his lips slowly trail lower. He plants soft kisses on your stomach as he makes his way down, "My pretty girl." He hums softly, moving his fingers to hook on the edge of your shorts. "Lift your hips."

You immediately obey, assisting him in removing your pajama shorts. You expected to feel embarrassed under his gaze, but you feel nothing short of appreciation. He smiles at you, before moving back between your legs.

Both of his hands move to grip each thigh, his face moving forward only to plant a soft kiss against your lace covered core. A gasp instantly falls from your parted lips at the sensation, before you feel his fingers tracing the edge of your white panties. He looks up at you instantly, "Can I?"

Your reply is in the form of a nod and before you know it , your panties are pulled down your legs and your thighs are moved to his shoulders. The first lick is slow and tentative, your mouth dropping open on a moan.

He hums in pure appreciation as his hands grip the warm flesh of your thighs, his tongue moving in circles against your clit. He moans against you, his movements speeding up. "Rafe - oh-!" You can merely moan, back arching off the bed prettily.

"Sweet thing." He whispers against your heat, "My sweet girl, my girl." His words are enough to make you see stars, thighs clenching around his head. He groans at the sensation , combined with the feeling of your hands gripping his roots tightly to ground yourself.

It doesn't take you a long before you feel the tightening sensation in your lower tummy, and your moans only grow more desperate. It's incredible that Rafe senses your desperation immediately, keeping up his movements but accompanying them with his deep voice. "Come for me ,baby, please."

When the feeling washes over you, your toes curl on his shoulders and your mouth chokes out a scream of his name. He receives all of it with a hum, hand softly caressing your thigh as he places wet kisses up to your mouth.

"You're so perfect, taste so perfect." He whispers lovingly , his messy lips finding yours yet again . You whimper against his mouth, teeth biting his bottom lip desperately.

You're too hazy from your orgasm to comprehend anything as you reach for your bedside table, a condom package secured in your palm. His clothes are on the floor in what feels like seconds , and your naked skin is now plastered together. Your legs are tightly wrapped around his waist as he whispers questions of reassurance against your pretty lips.

"I want you, Rafe." Your sweet voice is enough to guide his hips forward , both of you gasping in response. His blue eyes stay locked on yours the entire time your bodies are moving, your mouth agape on a gasp as he presses soft kisses against your face.

"I love you" you whisper quietly after a while, your nails scratching down his toned back eagerly. He hisses at the sensation , hips bucking forward abruptly. When your words register , his heart blooms with adoration. He accelerates the movement of his hips ; his lips moving to taste yours again. "I love you." He whispers back to you, "I love you." He repeats, both of your moans getting louder as you get closer to the brink of sweet relief. "I love you, angel -" both of you gasp, before his body stills.

And as you're breathing inside each other's mouths, sharing words of love and reassurance, you realize that you're both a mess, a beautiful mess of utter chaos.

But you found your way back to eachother; whatever the implications might be , you're willing to face them together. Always.

Always and forever.

~

[drewstarkeyluvbot]

Haunt me

Rafe Cameron x ex-best friend pogue! reader

Summary : After your encounter with Rafe , you wished never to face him again. Nevertheless, fate fathoms different plans and in a time where old wounds have been ripped open and blood is rapidly spilling out , four hands are going to get messy.

warnings: angst, cursing , jealousy

word count: 3.2k

part one , part three

~

There is no deeper pain than the one stemming from an old love that transformed into a bitter stranger.

Because you know it. You know it now, you knew it then - god - you've known it since you were a toddler. You know you were in love with Rafe Cameron.

Perhaps that's why the pain caused by his absence was so deep, so profound that it reached into the crevices of your very soul and settled there . It was always there , you were aware of it, but you constructed defence mechanisms and put up walls in order to shield it from the outside world,in order to forget it and keep it buried deep within your soul.

Your efforts were destroyed in a matter of seconds , a few words falling from his lips were stupidly enough . It was awoken, dragged back to the surface no matter how hard you tried to conceal it. He made you vulnerable - again - and you despise him even more for it.

Because he doesn't care.

But you do , you care. You always did, even during the days that Rafe wasn't quite Rafe. He has always been short tempered,always had aggressive tendencies. The man that was supposed to distance him from such behaviour ; who should have been the light guiding him through the dark , was the very cause of his peculiar behaviour.

You never quite liked Ward Cameron. Even before Rafe opened his heart to you,you noticed small -yet malicious- traits in his behaviour. You noticed the way he talked to - the way he scolded - Rafe, you noticed the way rafe's back would straighten the moment his father entered a room. It was almost as if a switch had been turned on , and he would attempt to take up the role of the perfect son. You noticed the way his father treated his sister, the way his eyes lit up every time he saw her. Sarah Cameron was his little princess, and Rafe Cameron was the neglected son that yearned for a validation he would never receive.

You were fourteen when you truly realized what a horrible person Ward Cameron was ; It was the first time Rafe cried in your arms . You were so confused - so young - yet embraced him with so much love and warmth that his father's insults and cruel words about pretend masculinity were nothing but a vacant thought. At least until it happened again. But then, you'd do it again,and again, and again.

You were his medicine,in a way. Patching up his wounds and healing his broken soul with your mere presence. You were so full of love,and you gave it all to him. You'd wipe his tears and caress his face until your eyes would sting and your fucking fingers would feel numb, because who cares about momentary torture if it meant seeing him smile again?

But that's all in the past now.

Leave the past in the past, y/n.

Leave the past in the past,y/n.

Leave the past in the past,y/n.

That's exactly what you're weakly attempting to achieve at this moment, before you've realized you got lost in your irrational thoughts once again,the ones that you've tried to desperately avoid. Your head is feeling slightly dizzy,and you can practically feel the blood pumping inside your veins as you grip the glass of the unknown drink you're holding. You're at a random house party, one that the pogues had unwillingly dragged you to, claiming you've been out of it the whole week. Of course you hadn't told them about your recent encounter, you don't need to have more people reminding you of how much fucking power he still has over you, your own repetitive words are enough.

Your eyes shift towards your group of friends, bodies splayed out on the rather uncomfortable couch as giggles and contented sounds fall from their lips. You smile, eyes falling on the drink in your hand and studying the nasty liquid. You weren't really the drinker ; well, at least not to the point of throwing up in another person's toilet and confessing your undying love to said person. But everyone is different, right?

You picked up the habit of staying mostly sober when Rafe first discovered alcohol , and you weirdly felt that taking care of him was your own liability. It kind of stuck on you since then , both the staying sober and taking care of others. He somewhat ruined you, didn't he? How silly.

He's here ;  you noticed him the moment you stepped inside the ridiculously posh house. He's resting against the wall lazily, drink in his hand as his group of friends surrounds him. The same group of friends he discarded you for. He fits into the crowd seamlessly, he blends in. You suppose he never did that with you.

They're not good people, you know that, Rafe knows that. But, perhaps your definitions of good don't quite line up anymore. How silly.

You feel a fluffy mess falling against your exposed thighs, and you move your drink that's hiding the view. You slightly scrunch your nose, narrowing your eyes as your mouth quirks up at the sight of your drunk friend.

JJ Maybank is sunshine presented in human form.

"Why are you so quiet, sunshine?" He slurs in a funny tone, making your soft smile widen into a bright grin. You shake your head, lightly ruffling his blond locks. "Just tired, Jayj."

He groans quietly at your response, scrunching his face like a petulant little toddler. "S' a party! You should be partying and drinking and dancing and singing!"

A loud laugh immediately falls from your lips as you stare down at him fondly, "you're quite literally seconds away from falling asleep on my lap. "  You reply teasingly.

JJ grumbles at your response, reaching up in a weak attempt to flick your forehead but ending up flicking your eyebrow instead. "That's because I've already partied , little brat! S' the aftermath!"

You smile softly at his reply, shaking your head in pure amusement as you let him rest his head on your lap. You lay back on the couch, lifting your gaze and letting your eyes wander about. You know that they're not just wandering about.

Your eyes fall to his lips first, instictevely. You notice the way they're stretched into an obnoxiously cocky simper. You notice his arms after,the way the bicep bulges and contracts as it's tightly secured around her waist. You notice his chest, the way her hand presses against the firm muscle as she smiles up at him with a look that can only mean so much. You notice the way their bodies are plastered together, almost forming into one as he leans down to whisper into her ear.

You notice icy blue eyes shifting to yours from across the room before his hand wraps around her wrist, dragging her away to a place where bodies meet and words don't matter.

~

It's a bit blurry after that, you make up a stupid excuse about having a rapid headache that your friends certainly do not buy, but cannot interfere. You can't even pinpoint how you ended up sprawled on your cushioned bed , images of your car speeding away like a bat out of hell. You're calmer now, tranquility and peace settling inside your apprehensive mind.

Why did you feel that way?.  Why did you feel that peculiar tightening sensation in your chest the moment he dragged her upstairs? Why did he meet your eyes? Why - for god's sake - do you care so damn much?

You need to stop being desperate for an alternative ending to a story that had a miserable one.

Excruciatingly slow hours have passed before you actually manage to drift off to sleep, your face squished against your soft pillow. When you drift awake,you expecte the warm, orange rays of the sun to be peaking through your blinds and cascading over your face. instead , you're met with the soft glow of the moon and a weird groaning sound stemming from the outside.

When you process the noise, you so desperately want to excuse it for being a wild animal,and fall back into the slumber you were in. You can't, not when the groaning ensues, not when it's certainly the sound of a person.

You tentatively lift the warm covers from your body, your feet meeting the wooden floor. You're currently the only person present in your house,the probability of meeting some ill-intentioned person behind the door quite high. Nonetheless,your instincts take over and your hand gently grips the door handle.

The sound of the door creaking tunes out  the rapid acceleration of your heartbeat,the feeling traveling to your ears ; ringing , and ringing and ringing.

It has been two years since the last time Rafe Cameron found himself drunkenly sprawled on your front porch. Today, that changes.

Your heart feels like it's desperately trying to claw out of your fucking throat as you stare at his worn-out form, face first into your wooden , antiquated floor. Soft groans are still falling from his lips , body still and frozen. Just like yours.

"Rafe," it's spoken in a gentle whisper that most definitely does not reach his ears. "Rafe." You repeat a tad louder, still not enough to drown out his throaty groans. Your teeth dig into your bottom lip as you slowly crouch down.

A hand carefully places itself on his back, feeling it slightly move under the touch. The groaning stops. "Rafe." , your voice is loud and clear now ,anxiety bubbling in your chest as you desperately anticipate some form of a reaction.

His head slightly shifts to the side, curtain bangs messy and sweaty as they cling to his forehead , but not enough to shield his pained and glassy eyes. He's quiet for a moment, seemingly filtering my presence. "You're here." The side of his mouth ever so slightly quirks up.

A soft sigh falls from your lips, hand still pressed into his back as you gaze into his eyes.  "How did you get here, Rafe?" You whisper, quietly and hesitantly. Rafe flashes you a toothy smile, gaze lost and hazy. "You're here." He slurs again .

You stare at him, filtering the state he's in. You're slowly dragged back into your past, to those nights you would take care of him. To the night you took care of him and he confessed his feelings.

Rationally, you should go back inside. It is certainly not your fault that Rafe Cameron got piss drunk once again and somehow found his way to your house, as if being lead by the force of habit. You should leave him out here, in the darkness of the night , and let fate deal with his poor misery. You should , but you won't.

"Come on." You whisper softly , grabbing his arm gently and attempting to lift him off the ground. Your strength is evidently not adequate, and Rafe groans deeply as he complies in an trial to assist you in helping him up. He grits his teeth together, legs wobbly as he wraps an arm around your shoulders tightly. You grip his waist tightly and push the door open with your free hand , leading his large frame towards your living room couch.

You carefully place him on it, cradling his head to ensure he doesn't plop it carelessly and sliding a cushion behind it. You can hear him letting out a soft hum as you help him settle in. His eyes burn into you. You do not look into them.

"I'll go grab you a wet cloth and some water,hm?" You don't genuinely expect an answer, simply angling your body around before a strong hand wraps around your bicep. Strong hand, but a gentle grip.  "Don't leave."

Your heart plummets in your stomach at his broken tone, your teeth digging into your lip anxiously. You don't turn to look at him,not wanting the pain in your chest to intensify. "I'll be back,I promise." Your whisper is soft as your hand gradually slips away from his hold, your body moving towards the kitchen before he can mutter another unexpected response.

Your eyes train on the way the freezing tap water drowns the cloth you picked up,in an attempt to prevent yourself from drowning in your own fucking thoughts. You hastily fill up a glass, your hands slightly shaky. You walk back to the living room,back to him.

He's staring up at the ceiling, seemingly out of it and possibly seconds away from falling asleep. Maybe you should have let him, maybe you should stop caring as much as you do. You place the glass on the small table before hesitantly sitting on the edge of the sofa , looking down at him.

His glassy eyes meet yours, and you let out a heavy sigh. "Oh, Rafe" , you speak in a muted tone as you grab the soaked cloth and place it on his forehead. You dap at the sweat that has accumulated there, while simultaneously offering him a sense of refreshment and alleviating the rapid throbbing inside of it.

His enchantingly blue eyes bore into yours as you take care of him, lips slightly parted. "You dating that pogue,hm?" He finally speaks again, voice scratchy and croaky. Your eyebrows immediately furrow, trying to filter his words. That pogue?

You remember the blond mess of unruly hair on your lap, and you let out a small sigh as you keep running the cloth over his face. "JJ?" you speak ,he does not answer. You sigh again. "No, I'm not dating him, Rafe."

He looks at you,not replying before he shifts his eyes. He nuzzles into your hand that's dapping his face,and you're so thankful you didn't drink much alcohol because you're certain you would have emptied your stomach right there.

You pull the cloth away after a while, grabbing the glass of water that was resting on the table. "Sit up." You tell him, receiving a whine in response. You let out a soft sigh, before cradling the back of his neck gently . "Come on, you need to stay hydrated."

Your soft touch turned on a switch, because he slowly moves his body right up. You hand him the glass, your fingers lightly grazing against the other. You pull away first. You discreetly watch his Adam's apple bopping as he downs the glass, silence prevailing.

You grab the glass when he's finished, placing it on the table. "Do you want more?" , you whisper softly. He merely stares at you, and you so desperately want to reach into the depths of his soul and untangle the mess he has become.

"You care." He whispers, "You still care."

It's as if he's repeating the words that have been circulating your mind for the last week repeatedly, like a vinyl on an old record player. You still care. You hope he doesn't ask for a reasoning, because you can not supply him with one.

"Lay back down." You instruct softly, lightly pushing at his chest as you grab the mostly wet cloth . He obeys wordlessly , and you begin dapping his face again. Why does this feel so intimate?

"I don't know why I came here." He whispers again after moments of empty silence. You momentarily halt your movements, before ensuing . "It's okay, Rafe." You can't help but reassure him, why?

He lets out a soft sound, "Y/n" , the sound of tour name delicately falling from his lips makes your heart stop. "Y/n , you're so lovely." He slurs on a pained whisper.  "Why are you so lovely? This would have been so - so much easier if you - you -" He hiccups before he can finish his sentence.

You genuinely cannot deal with this right now, your fingers tightening around the stupid cloth. It's just the alcohol, he's done this before, do not react, do not give in.

Do not believe his words.

"Why did you drink so much, Rafe?" You ask instead, your tone gentle and quiet. You listen to his breathing pattern for a moment, before lifting your gaze to meet his eyes. He smiles weakly, eyes narrowed and hazy. "So you'd take care of me."

He doesn't know what he's saying.

Leave the past in the past, y/n.

You shake your head at his words, not replying. You finally pull the cloth away , before slowly getting up. A hand instantly circles your wrist, meeting painfully pleading eyes.

"I'll be back." You whisper gently, pulling your hand away as you scurry towards your bedroom. Your head is nothing but a fucking tangled mess, his words making your ears hurt and your heart bleed even more than it previously was. You grab a fluffy pillow and a small blanket before heading back towards the living room.

He's staring at the ceiling again ,and you hover above him. You slowly kneel down, softly cradling the back of his neck and lifting his head, replacing the rather confining cushion with your comfortable one. You get up, before covering his large frame with your warm blanket.

He hums contently, and you've reached the point of utter bewilderment and hopelessness. You don't know what to do , where to go. You need to stay away from him, lock yourself in your name and scream into your pillow until your fucking ears ring and the sounds of roosters prevails over your own broken voice.

A hand slowly reaches up to wrap around your wrist again, your breath hitches at the touch. "Hair." He mumbles incoherently, your eyebrows scrunching up in question.  A soft groan leaves his lips as he stares up at you in anticipation, "Play with my hair."

His reply sinks in, and you instantly shake your head , "Go to sleep, Rafe." You whisper rather coldly, watching as his Adam's apple bops on a gulp.  You hate the way your chest tightens.

"You always did that." He adds quietly, his expression pained. "Do you remember?"

You wish you could forget. Frankly enough,you wish that the fateful night of the thunderstorm , the rain would have started pouring a little harder , or the thunder would have sounded a little louder, or the lightening would have shone a little brighter ; if so , you would have stopped a little fucking earlier and would knock on the door of a random, obnoxious kook that would have cursed you out but you would have pridefully accepted it because at least they wouldn't know how you sounded when you screamed and begged for someone to love you.

You wish you were someone else, someone that doesn't know who Rafe Cameron used to be. Someone that isn't still fucking haunted by the Idea of him.

At your lack of response , Rafe decided to speak up again. "I wish I could go back to the start." he whispers weakly, voice slightly breaking out. "Before I messed it all up."

His eyes shimmer in the darkness of the room,and you wish you would die.

You begin feeling your eyes stinging, but you don't find the power within yourself to control yourself. Your hearts are bleeding, and you're both drowning in your own blood.

"That's the beauty of mistakes, isn't it?"  you whisper, "they're irreversible."

You walk away again.

~

[drewstarkeyluvbot]

Grudge

Rafe Cameron x ex-best friend pogue!reader

Summary : In a desperate attempt to seek for protection during a thunderstorm, you find yourself at the doorstep of the one person you wished never to encounter face to face again. Old wounds that were supposed to be healed forcefully rip open in the time span of one single night.

warnings: angst ,cursing , this is kind of sad

word count : 2.8k

part two , part three

~

You forcefully grit your teeth together as the rain rapidly cascades over your windshields , anxiety bubbling Inside your chest as you harshly grip your steering wheel.  The windscreen wipers move quickly in an attempt to clear your vision -  but to no avail -  lightening striking in the distance only contributing to the intensification of your rapidly growing nerves. The decision to pull over is rushed and evidently not calculated , safety and survival prevailing over any other sense, specifically the sense of familiarity.

Your feet move hastily, hands coming up to shield yourself from the strong rain, inevitably getting drenched in the process of running towards the front door of the first house your vision catches , safety prevails over familiarity, because it was not a random house.

Your knuckles knock against the door forcefully, fingers attempting to move the wet strands of hair that are obnoxiously blocking your view. Your mind is already building the dialogue in your head that you need to state to convince the poor person who you disturbed in the dark hours of the night about the hazards of your situation. Shouldn't be hard, right?

Well, it definitely wouldn't be a challenging process if the person that was indeed located behind that door was  an old woman , or a father that had just returned home from work, or even - for god's sake - a ten year old kid that stayed up past his bedtime to play brain rotting  videogames. It would have been so simple, wouldn't it?

It's not.

The moment the door slowly opens, and your gaze falls upon icy blue eyes, you wish you had continued driving your stupid and rusty car until you crushed into a fucking tree or another incoming car that had followed the same irrational logic that you had.

You presume Rafe Cameron silently wishes you had done the same thing.

When you filter the other's presence,you stare at one another for what feels like utter eternity, and you wish the earth could magically open and swallow you whole. That would certainly be a better fate.

"Y/n " His voice physically makes your chest ache, and you're genuinely contemplating turning your entire body around and disappearing into the night.

"Rafe" You reply breathlessly , desperately trying to snap your reckless mind back into reality before it approached dangerous territory.

Rafe opens his mouth, he closes it, he's confused. "What - what is - what are you doing - "

What?

You shake your head ,  interjecting before he can complete his sentence , "I was driving when the storm hit, my house is far away so I just stopped the car and run to the first house I saw."

As if he doesn't already know where your house is.

He slowly nods, jaw clenched and tight as his eyes carefully take in your drenched form. You truthfully believe he's going to spit out a mere "not my business " and harshly shut the door on your face, never to be seen again. That's the kind of person he is now, anyway.

Zero amount of words are exchanged ; Rafe offers you a plain nod and moves his large body to the side, creating a space for you to slide past and enter his house. You oblige , wordlessly so.

Your arms loosely wrap around your body, teeth gnawing on your bottom lip so gratingly you're certain you'll be feeling the metallic taste in your mouth soon enough. You hear the door closing behind you, loud footsteps ensuing. Should you turn around, should you stay frozen in this position till the storm passes and you can desperately run out of the house?

Do you sound stupid?

You clear your throat, remembering courteousness is one of your finest traits: even towards people that most certainly do not - or will ever again - deserve it. Therefore, you turn back around.

You open your mouth ever so slightly, "Thank you ." It's spoken in a firm yet evidently awkward tone, your body showing loud signs of discomfort. Rafe is still eerily quiet, and you absolutely despite the sound of his silence. A sigh falls from his lips, hand coming up to absentmindedly scratch the back of his neck as his legs begin moving, "I'll grab you a towel."

The moment he leaves the living room to fetch a towel, it feels as if the air can finally reach your lungs. You deteste it , the feeling of hopelessness and desperation only Rafe Cameron can ignite.

Rafe Cameron, the same Rafe Cameron that would secretly pick lillies from his back garden and gift them to you on a daily basis when you were 5 . The same Rafe Cameron that would scream at and threaten any malicious kid that would so much as look at you funny when you were 10. The same Rafe Cameron that knocked on your bedroom window and cried in your arms the entire night after an atrociously messy fight with his father when you were 15. The same Rafe Cameron that isn't quite the same anymore.

He's returned after some moments, awkwardly handing you a towel to somewhat dry yourself up. You offer him a nod with uncomfortably tight lips as you grab the towel , attempting to dap at the excess water dripping off of you.

You thought that silence would be the only language you'd be speaking tonight, but Rafe Cameron has different intentions.

"So ," He speaks up, effectively catching your attention once again, "What were you even doing out this late by yourself?"

You have no idea why that would ever concern him.

You let out a small sigh, squeezing the water from your hair with the small towel. "I was working."

You can discern the small but intentional raise of his eyebrows ; his lips are slightly parted and his tongue lightly pokes the inside of his cheek , "You were working." He peculiarly repeats your own words before nodding to himself , "And you usually pass through my neighbourhood when you return from your job?"

The implication hangs in the air like a bitter and ill-intentioned remark.

You halt your movements, looking at him with a raised eyebrow ; a bitter laugh falls from your lips when you catch on to  what he's trying to indirectly state. "I didn't purposefully drive through your neighbourhood to take shelter in your house during the storm, if that's what you're trying to imply, Rafe." You scoff , annoyance finally starting to bubble up inside your chest.

He responds to your comment with a scoff of his own, shaking his head. He clicks his tongue, "Right." He breathes out, "Since when do you work,by the way?"

It was as if his words ignited a fire inside of you, a fire that you had so desperately been trying to put out in the last couple of years, a fire that had finally downgraded to a weak spark and should not - under any circumstances - turn itself back into a conflagration for Rafe Cameron.

Because how would he know when you started working when he cut you out of his life like you meant nothing?

I scoff again, gripping the towel to keep my anger at bay. "Yeah, Rafe, some of us actually have to work." My tone is merely bitter, sarcastic and full of distate.

Rafe's eyes widen , his face scrunching up into that resentful scowl he displays when he's annoyed ; He laughs , humourlessly so , before he speaks in a cautious manner. "Don't start."

Don't start?

Your lips fall into a tight line before you absentmindedly shrug , "I'm not starting anything."

Rafe instantly scoffs at your reply , "Oh, you are." His tone is tremendously aggrieved, "You're starting something you don't actually want to start."

You take a deep breath, dropping the towel on a nearby table as you meet his icy gaze. "Why, because you'll be reminded of how horrible of a person you are?"

You started.

Your words ring inside his ears, Adam's apple bopping on a gulp as he clenches his fists. "Don't do this." He speaks lowly, "Just wait until the storm passes,so you can leave."

The bubble of fury and frustration inside of you painfully snaps at his display of indifference, your ears ringing as you abandon each and every ounce of self-restraint and patience . Pain is the most powerful emotion, especially if its cause lacks a rational explanation.

If it lacks closure.

"Do you ever regret it?"

He stares at you for a moment, his gaze shifting from irritation to feigned confusion  , "What -" You cut him off before he can mutter his supposed bewilderment . "What you did, Rafe." You supply  , "Are there nights that you think about it and feel remorse?"

You can see his fists clenching in pure anger ; his face is contorted and his Adam's apple bops on a gulp once again before he speaks in a furious hiss, "I did the right thing."

You laugh , the sound dripping with bitterness and pure venom. "The right thing? Throwing me away like a piece of fucking garbage was the right thing?" You can feel the sensation of your throat clogging up and your chest tightening , a nasty sensation.

"What did you fucking expect, Y/n?" He immediately snaps back in a furious manner, his chest heaving uncoordinatedly . "People grow apart, it's normal -"

You immediately shake your head, interjecting again before he can ensue spitting out dense excuses. "People grow apart for logical reasons, not because  money got to their head and they didn't want to be seen with someone like me because their people would talk!" You practically scream at him, and you want to keep screaming, probably until your throat gets scratchy or your vocal chords break.

Rafe clenches his jaw, a nerve being striken at your earnest and truthful words. He splutters for a moment, shaking his head. "It was just a childhood friendship, nothing more."

You want to scream and cry, hit and yell at him until he falls to his knees and begs like a desperate little boy.

"Just a childhood friendship?" You taste his words in your mouth, laughing humourlessly at the irony of them. "I was by your side your entire life , and you weren't when I needed you to be." You hate the feeling of your throat clogging up, because it simply indicates hurt. You don't want hurt, you want anger. When hurt prevails over anger, you don't achieve the desired result.

Rafe's heart involuntarily clenches at your words , the profound truth behind them a sick reminder that he had indeed failed you.  He merely shakes his head ,"yeah,well,i was a kid too." He mutters, his voice cold. "I had my own struggles , you weren't exactly the center of my fucking universe."

You hate the version of the person that is standing in front of you, because it's so foreign, he's a complete stranger.

"But I didn't throw you away!" You scream at him, your hands raised in the air in a showcase of desperation. "I was sixteen! I didn't throw you away every time you got mad, every time you screamed at me,or insulted me!" He gulps at your words, wishing you could just stop , stop making his fucking stomach churn in the way it is now.

You don't stop. "I didn't throw you away every time you came to my house drunk! And I didn't throw you away when you drunkenly told me you were in love with me while you were puking in my fucking toilet and never spoke about it ever ag - "

"Shut up!" He screams, hands desperately coming up to grip his hair. "Just- just shut the fuck up, please" he spits at you, icy blue eyes boring into yours. "I didn't have a fucking choice!"

Your brows furrow immediately,a scoff falling from your parted lips. "You didn't have a -"

"No,I didn't!" He cuts me off instantly,his tone leaking desperation. "What was I supposed to do,hm? Stick my neck out for you? Risk my reputation? We're from different worlds ,you never understood that." He retorts , his voice harsh.

"No,I never understood it,and I still fucking don't." I shake my head, "You're looking for excuses, you know you're in the wrong, from the moment you started ignoring me, you knew you were wrong."

Rafe does know he's in the wrong, something he - stubbornly and pridefully - will never admit.

An empty silence ensues, painful glances exchanged. Your eyes bore into his,in an awful attempt to find a part of the Rafe you once knew behind them, to melt the ice that conceals everything beneath it with the warmth radiating from your eyes. It is pointless,he cannot be saved.

"I wish I could make you understand, Y/n" He whispers , his voice taking up a softer tone. "You know , my - my dad - "

There it is,those words, that person that's behind every cruel thing Rafe has ever done.

"Don't - " you raise your palm towards him to signal that you do not want to hear further, "Don't even start, Rafe. I don't want to fucking hear it." You whisper, your throat clogging up. "Your dad? The same dad that made you cry in my arms nearly every - "

Rafe realises he's being put in a vulnerable position, wounds that he has been desperately trying to heal using weak bandages threatening to re-open from one simple conversation. Rafe cannot - under any circumstances - allow that.

"I didn't mean it." He suddenly says , your eyebrows scrunching together in response to his rather ambiguous and irrelevant words. He continues , "That night, when I drunkenly told you I was in love with you." He explains further, "I didn't know what I was saying."

Your nails harshly dig into your palms,possibly leaning dents behind.

"Liar." Venom drips from your lips as you reply to his cruel statement. Liar, liar, liar. He was so drunk that night, he walked to your neighbourhood,his body limply falling on your front porch. You took care of him that night, like you always did. You took him to your bed, wiped his face with a wet cloth and caressed his fluffy hair until he fell asleep. You stayed up all night in pure worry ; you attempted to ignore the feeling that bubbled up inside your chest the moment the words fell from his lips, face first in your toilet .

I'm so in love with you, you're the only one who cares.

You blamed in on the dizziness and the alcohol.

Rafe stopped talking to you a week later.

"So,if you came here, expecting me to fall to my knees and beg for your forgiveness, you came to the wrong fucking place." He spits coldly, snapping me back into present time. "Leave the past in the past ,Y/n, please." It's spoken in a whisper. "Please"

You stare at Rafe Cameron with pure hurt  beneath your fiery eyes.Not anger,not bitterness,not venom, hurt.

When hurt prevails over anger,you don't achieve the desired result.

Because you should scream at Rafe Cameron,curse him and insult him till you run out of words, probably throw a book at his fucking head. Cause that utterly heartless man so much physical pain so it can own up to a mere quarter of the emotional pain you're experiencing. You can't. Not when the thought of what you had and what could have been is the only thing circulating inside your poor mind ,not when he threw away the only valuable connection in his entire life.

You're not angry, you're devastated.

"Do you think I deserved it?" Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you keep pushing and pushing and pushing when the only person that will bleed after this is you?

Because you were kids together.

Rafe stares at you ,his gaze empty and bewildered. The silence is painful and incessant, but the answer hangs in the air like a mutual, bittersweet understanding. Of course you didn't deserve it,you deserved none of it

He doesn't supply you with an actual response ,which is - evidently - a response on its own.  You understand, fully. You understand that you're practically searching for a needle in a haystack. You understand that the Rafe you're looking for is long gone and cannot ever be revived. You understand that you need to leave.

You offer him a mere nod at his silence, clearing your throat uncomfortably. "The storm has cleared out." You point out, having not heard the strong sound of thunder in quite some time. At least the sky isn't crying anymore.  "Thank you for - you know, yeah." You aimlessly murmur, lips tight and straight.

You don't wait for a reply - not that you were expecting one. In fact, you don't even look into the stupid eyes of Rafe Cameron, your gaze is trained on his stupid posh floor as you hurry towards his stupid luxurious door.

You grip the handle of his door, ready to walk out of his life again.

"No,you didn't."

Confusion courses through your mind for a moment, haltering your movements; you remember what your last question had included, you filter the response he has given you.

Rafe Cameron is at war with himself,and you cannot save him.

You walk out of the door.

~