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Itâs been one hell of a year without you. It went by in such a blur. Iâm grateful for the time I got to spend with everyone during this trip in particular, it meant a lot to me. đâĽď¸âşď¸ And if we missed each other, thatâs cool! Letâs plan for next time :) In the words of Owl City: itâs been fun but now I got to go~ ⨠(at Morgan Hill, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CK4gtBwJqspEMa0fMf71oL8GSYZPwZsVdiVl100/?igshid=j4w3q524p54t
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In January 2011, I earned my first degree black belt...
That was a decade ago. Three years later, in January 2014, I earned my second degree black belt. đĽđŻ
Martial arts has been a huge part (about 2/3) of my life. It was my second home: a community I quite literally grew up with and continue to grow in. I have so many fond memories from the experiences, as well as many challenges I faced and eventually overcame through it. I learned far more than just self-defense and fancy head-high kicks (but those are useful and cool skills, too.) Generally speaking, it guided me to test my limits, strengthen aspects of my mind, physical strength, and camaraderie amongst peers, and how to pick myself up with the willpower to fight and try again.
For anyone that is reading this and doubts that they canât start now, or that itâs too late to, itâs not. It is absolutely still possible. Iâve met so many people well into their adulthood that have earned their first Dan and beyond. With the right people supporting you and the right mindset/dedication, it will be feasible.
And to those that Iâve trained with past and present, thank you for working with me, instructing me, and encouraging me as a student or peer. And for sharing jokes, carpools, Saturday morning workouts, staff meetings, and lifelong friendships with, of course.
I love and miss you guys, and hope youâre all doing well.
P.S. Congrats on the 50th annual black belt test! đ
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A Personal Profile:
exaggerates often
lets emotions/feelings consume herself (often unhealthily)
wishes the best of others, yet rarely of herself
tries (like, too much)
has virtually unattainable high expectations of herself
fancies perfection (even though it doesnât fancy her back)
impatient with self and others when overwhelmed
also cries excessively if overwhelmed
puts others before herself (at times to her own detriment)
extremely hesitant to ask for help
vents personal stuff (to anyone who will listen if desperate enough)
tends to make impulsive, split-second decisions without fully thinking it through (normally precedes a huge consequence)
is a two-sided coin: acts like a know-it-all OR deliberately plays dumb (depending on the person or situation)
uncomfortable/anxious in certain public/group settings
overcomplicates/overthinks things
extremely vague and indirect verbally
bored easily
recharges best with alone time (for peace of mind) as well as with close friends and family (when feeling social)
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By Association
I hate my family. Not everyone. Not just one person. But by association, everyone. I had unhealthy attachments to begin with, which translated out to my personal life thereafter. Oh well, too bad, so sad. Iâve learned itâs better to not worry people, especially close friends or family. Hide the shit youâre feeling. Donât drag anyone else down with you, because youâre going to be fine (eventually.) Youâve always strived to be self-independent. Just donât go out and hurt yourself, okay?
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Good God, What Has Gone Wrong?
Trigger warning: Mental illness, panic attack, anxiety
Iâve been upset with my family for years on end. Iâm sorry I donât particularly see or sense the same idea of familial love as everyone else here claims. âShow donât tellâ is a strong writerâs rule of thumb, but also means so much more to me. âIâm upset!â Iâd say, anger and fear and rage in my tearful eyes, twisted up on the inside, falls on your dismissive ears as âWhat do you know, child?â Or no words, but crossed arms, head shakes, sighs, or evident momentary shock or disbelief, as if Iâd punched you in the gut.
I continue to curl into a ball and scream, unable to handle the undeniable pain shoot through my body. The pounding in my temples, the shudders between sobs, my neck straining to hold my head up, the overwhelming sensations. A meltdown, again. Everything surrounding me fades, and Iâm left with a suffocatingly small and dark space. Outside of myself, I pity myself.
I worry, even though I know that in some unknown time in my future, it will not be this way. I know my immediate life and safety are not exactly at stake. However, my freedom and well-being is, and those things are valuable to me - sometimes more often than the other two. I canât leave, as you are all family. Thereâs no reason to run or hide, or express myself fully, right? Yet I still want out, some way, somehow, someday. I still canât face this now, not yet.
Have I gone crazy? I suppose time will tell.
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Donât attack the person at fault.
Listen first.
Then decide where to go from there.
Patiently listen.
Understand, fully. Donât put words in their mouth, or assume their intentions or feelings, or blame them for what they say or feel.
Conversations must have two distinct sides
And we all must practice listening first.
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dear me of the past,
Itâs you, from the future!
I miss being you. Despite what weâve gone through, you still managed to feel happy time to time. You were always grateful for that.
Just so you know, youâre not naive. And youâre not crazy. Stop worrying about that.
You were you, and you accomplished so much by just doing that. You never let anyone influence your opinions or decisions, and that took real courage.
Yeah, you were awkward, yeah you were shy, and had a shell that needed to be broken out of over time.
Thatâs okay, and Iâm glad you did!
You were friendly to everyone, and empathized with those whom felt left out. And you even began to accept those you didnât like/seem to like at all, which was also huge.
You were brave, bc you tried your damn hardest to be the best at everything. You were an overachiever. While having ambition is good, know that it was okay to take a break. It was okay to laugh and smile at stupid, funny Snapchats. It was okay to just wanna lay in bed and procrastinate. It was okay to skip martial arts that night, and okay to just rest. You needed all those things.
Now, the weight of your actions then are starting to come and hit us again, except full force now.
All that hiding of our true emotions?
All the shit we blatantly lied about unintentionally?
Everything about letting our own anxiety and fear of âfailureâ rule our life?
Thatâs gotta stop. And you know and feel that, deep down to your core. Itâs time to move on from that way of living, okay?
Bc you were never a failure. You were never gonna be disowned. You were never weird, or an attention whore, or whatever other shit you heard about yourself way back when.
You were strongly and proudly you. And I know it felt like you were wearing a mask, acting like this illusion of a âperfect girlâ almost 24/7, and greatly able to fool everyone around you, and even yourself, at times.
Itâs going to be okay. I knew you heard that a lot then, and trust me, we still fucking hear it now (annoying, huh?) But thatâs a truth, and pls, believe that. I knew you sorta did then, but even now, we still know that fact to be true and believe it, if only a little.
We need time to heal.
Especially within the past 3 years, youâve dealt with so much pain, and were holding it all in to yourself. You bottled it up, to protect yourself. But it was okay to cry about it, and feel upset, even if then you didnât even know why.
You, my friend, forced yourself to grow up too fast. And even now, we wished that we could go back and change that, to worry less, live more laid back, and done so so much more differently.
But we also know that thereâs no point in continuing to dwell so hard on the past.
And also, the future will always remain unknown, so donât worry so hard about that either.
The future isnât all cut out to what people made it, either! It wasnât âbetter than the blip of high schoolâ it wasnât like college was duper fucking fantastic, NO!
Now, we hate that we bought in to almost all the crap that adults fed us growing up. Bc while some of it couldâve been true for most, it ended up not being for us!!! And, stay with me now...... thatâs O-K-A-Y.
Yeah, life didnât go according to your master plan. Yeah, right now, youâre really not where you envisioned yourself to be at age 20.
I know that sounds so out of this world insane and mind-blowing....... but thatâs okay!!!!
We are still hella young, and the truth is yes, we still have so much time to think, to live, to wonder, to dream, and to feel happy.
Finally, weâre living in the present. At long fucking last, dude.
Weâre gonna try and stay here as long as we can, bc thatâs whatâs gonna help us heal the fastest, as well as the easiest.
I love you, and I miss how we used to be so happy-go lucky and easily optimistic.
That part of you hasnât completely vanished, it was just pushed aside and replaced by the you that felt the need to steel your heart, to grow tf up already, and be serious and abso-frickin-lutely careful with your words, who you chose to let in, who to trust, and who you shared anything with.
You were cautious, definitely excessively, but donât worry about that anymore dude.
It was only easy to keep up that act for so long. Simple as that.
Youâre human. Youâre allowed to feel things, âgood and badâ and everything in between. Youâre allowed to feel scared, but donât let that fear continue to stop you from chasing what you truly want to do. You played hella hard by the rules, by the book. It only got you so far, and now, in the adult world, with no one but yourself to tell you what to do anymore, itâs so vastly different.
Now, hun, you donât need to ask anybodyâs permission to do what you want to do. However, donât continue to worry those people that care about you tho!! Let at least one or two of them know what youâre up to, ESPECIALLY if you think it could be sketch. Call your mom. Talk to your family. Keep in close touch with the friends/people that matter to you most. Just keep doing what youâre doing.....but this time, allow yourself to let go, of expectations, of anxiety, of feeling âobligatedâ to do or feel, anything.
You are very mature. You are very smart, and well-educated. You know you love to learn, and strive for self-improvement and the idea of tracking progress so much.
And Iâm here to say that weâre finally one step closer
to being complete as a whole, genuine, bombass person. And thatâs certainly worth smiling about and celebrating, right?
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