donotfollowme5-blog

[donotfollowme5-blog]

New Semester

Time for another fucking semester, I can’t stress enough how sick I am of college. But this semester does seem like its going to be different. My DF 2 prof is sooo nice and seems like he actually wants to teach us shit. But wait this shit is supposed to be about my feelings right? In terms of a love life Ive been messing around with my coworker who had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship. So I don’t feel like a rebound at all. Nah not really, she told me that she has had a crush on me basically since we started working together, but kept me at a distance to not develop feelings. Which seems like the most likely scenario honestly. So far its not the same like it was with King, but I think thats only because me and Tasia (coworker) are not officially dating. I want to give her time to actually be her own and single, but I don’t know if shes doing that with me around. We act very couple-y and I’ve already met her family. It’s not that I don’t like her, shes great. She cares about me, is very affectionate, reassuring, super nice, hardworking, dedicated. She really is awesome. But its still doesn’t feel the same. And i don’t know if that’s me, because mentally I know that we’re both technically still single, and even though it hasn’t been explicitly said, we’re basically exclusive. Or is it that neither of us put any effort into trying to find someone else. When I went to NM i was “open” to hooking up with someone since Tasia and them would never meet. But if the opportunity came up I don’t know how I would react, because I definitely did not put any effort into getting with someone. I do think that I will end up dating Tasia but I hope that I time it right, when shes not insecure, because I don’t know if I can date another girl who is super insecure. I know I sound like an asshole, but King was definitely a lot, and not the only insecure person I’ve dated. I’m not saying I’m secure in myself because I know I’m not. But I do feel like I deal with my feelings on my own and try not to put them on anyone else. I say that but what the fuck do i know. I am kinda excited about this semester. Im actually trying to be productive, I bought a calendar put my due dates and shit up on it. I just need to do good. Unfortunately I think I’m going to be here a semester longer than I had hoped for. So now I pray that I can graduate in fall 21. I had reread one of my posts a few weeks ago and i talked about how its going to be after I graduate and while I was real moody then and a sad little bitch, I felt like I made a pretty good point when I said that I’m not going to have any friends when I move. Theyre not coming with me, and i know no one in colorado. Which begs the question, why have a bunch of friends in Texas if I’m never going to see them? Sunflower said that she’d visit which I don’t believe. I don’t even know if we’re going to hang out after she moves out. Which i still hate the way she decided. I had sex with King right before the semester started (me and Tasia had not started talking). But I got “caught”, Sunflower confronted me and asked who I had been smoking with. I’m not one to lie so i told her the truth, she immediately got all weird and I when I told her I just went over there for sex she got pissed. Now I was confused and had to consult some females. i.e my sister, friend and Tasia. And all 3 of them said that her getting mad was more of a “girl code” thing. The way they explained it, because Sunflower hates King, I’m not allowed to associate with her in any way shape or form. Later that day, she said that she doesn’t want to live together anymore. It pissed me off for a while but honestly it doesn’t matter now. Because like I said, having friends here doesn’t really mean shit. After college im basically never going to see them again. So I think I want to get an apartment by myself, and the only people to come over is gonna be (probably) Tasia and my cat, Perri. Plus living by myself will give me no choice but to focus on school, so I think it’s better for my GPA in the long run. But I do want to start thinking more positively, that shrooms trip last night kinda helped put that into perspective as well. To a good semester

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Fuck Dealer

Nah I think next semester is gonna be hella different. Cause fuck Dealer. He randomly showed up last night and picked up Sunflower from work instead of me. When she got home she told me he’d be coming over, which is fine obviously, but he walked in and didn’t say shit to me AGAIN. Like what the fuck, I dont know if I’m the weird one, but I find it SUPER disrespectful when you walk into someone’s house and you don’t even say hi to them. Not even like a head nod. Just acknowledge me since you did walk into my fucking house. So the second he showed up i went to another friend’s house cause fuck him. All was good and dandy and then he texts another friend that he’s about to pull up which was weird cause there was someone else there who doesn’t like Dealer. So i went back home again lol. But him doing this shit is just showing me how fucking shitty he is. I’m no fucking prize either, trust me I know. But they really treat him like he’s thebomb.com . I think I passed them on my way back home lol. I don’t like my life. I don’t like who I am, what I do, or where I’m going. I really do hate myself. I’ve been thinking about making an appt w the psychology thing here. I’ve also been thinking about getting a therapist for like 3 or 4 years now so we’ll see how it pans out this him huh? I really can’t wait to get the fuck out of Texas. Literally since the second I moved here Ive said that i fucking hate it here. and I do. Theres nothing I like about Texas. Even most of the people ive met I don’t talk to about 98% of them so I really couldn’t give less of a fuck. I keep thinking about if someone finds this or if I’ll tell someone, what would happen. Just thought about another way to distance myself from them, if anything it’d straight up destroy our friendship. I could go back to all my previous posts and make them a lot worse. Just shit on everyone, use their real names and make them look bad. Then figure out a way that one of them could see it. Because if one of them sees it then they’ll all see it. But would anyone say anything to me or would they just drop me without a word. Cause thats what we did to Nancy. I still think that it was fucked the way they all dropped her so quickly. I wasn’t prepared for how quick that shit went downhill. Who cares. No one, thats why I write these. Cause people always say “ you can talk to me if you need anything”, “Ill be there for you”, go fuck yourself.  

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Am I just repeating myself on here?

I was about to get on here and just rant about how AI feel, however that is. But I was re reading the last post and it seemed to have some of the same ideas I was going to go over in this episode of no one cares about you. Maybe thats what these are for? isnt this like a diary? where i just talk about my feelings to a void that doesnt respond to me? who am i asking these questions to? Lets get on with the show. if there even is one. What are some ways I could distance myself from them? theres the obvious talking to them less. It involves reduced time with them, stubbornness when wanting to hang out, and turning into someone they dont want to hang out with (but i think i got that covered). The only real problem w that plan is Sunflower. We live together and I take her to work all the time, but thatll change during the semester. Everyone is back and shell have Dealer and other friend to take her to work so it might not be as big of a problem as i thought. She wont say anything anyways until things have been awkward for a while. When/if she confronts me about I could deny all of it. She’s better friends w Dealer high key. Thats one option. Another option is finding new friends, but that means I’d have to actually meet new people and then be friends with them which already isnt a very easy task for me. But if new friends were made, would me hanging out with them work? Would they be hurt if I hung out with them more? or would they just think i was hanging out with someone else for a change, i think either way it works because it means I hang out with them less. The ACTUAL question is, do I even have to actually make the friends? I could use the time Im “hanging out” with my “friends” to study some more. I really need to do better this semester or itll be bad for my gpa. I’m liking option 2. I could just go to the library, or work out if I get that membership to anytime. shit i could really do anything, basketball, sleep.... thats all i do lol. But option 2 has something that could work. I wonder if it’ll really be different. I say it like its true but I obviously dont know. I just know that I dont like being around when Dealer is also there. It isnt even that I don’t like him, cause I do. He’s honestly a really cool guy and pretty funny. But I don’t feel comfortable when we’re in the same room. I feel like I’m ruining the time that they could be having together. They all seem to like each other more than any of them like me. They might argue w that especially sunflower but they act like it to each other. Not just the i love you which i think we say way too often, but ever since me and King were together I feel like they all just like each other more which is understandable cause honestly who would like me. Im high key annoying and I want to stop. I just type these when I feel lonely I guess.Now that im single i guess im really alone huh? I had fun being their friend tho. I guess we’ll see what happens when the semester starts. I still dont think ive realized that im the only person who is gonna be there for me. None of them are gonna help me move to Colorado/ Canada when i move. they wont even live there, after college we’ll all move away from each other or a majority will stay here, either way I wont be near any of them. Moving is gonna be lonely, as is the drive, as is living there. Im not social at all and even when i try it doesnt work. Ive said it before and Ill say it again, I will probably die with my dog. or if Im lucky ill die before my cat

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Months later...

Jump a few months. Ky's moved out, schools over and me and King broke up. It happened a few days ago. I already know the reasoning on why i did it. But now im at a crawfish boil for one of the other friends in the group, and once again I feel out of place. I think its because of Dealer? They probably like him more than me is my guess. Understandable tho, im pretty annoying. I still think that i wont be friends w all of them pretty soon. The new semester is gonna be fun. Should I pull a Tara is the real question? I could just distance myself, ill fall out the group pretty fast tbh. They could hang out and enjoy each others company without it being slightly awkward. At the broil earlier, i was sitting in my car for a while cause i wasnt feeling very invited, after a hot min 3 of my friends came to check on me. Itd be easier for us to end our friendship if theyd stop trying. I think itll be better during the semester.

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Another one of these I guess. Today specifically I’ve been feeling kinda shitty. I think its because I hung out with Sunflower all day and I was just thinking how how I don’t have friends anymore. Yea I know I still have Sunflower as a friend (For how much longer is still to be determined), but every time we hang out, I feel bad that she’s with me instead of with everyone else. She keeps telling me that she likes spending time with me even if we aren’t doing anything but I always get into a mood and I don’t like putting her through that. I try and get over it but I keep thinking about me losing all of my friends and it pisses me off and makes me sad as fuck at the same time. Maybe cutting off Sunflower will be better. She’ll be sad for a bit but she’ll have everyone else to support her, she’ll especially run to Dealer because they’ve gotten close ever since I started to lose all my friends. Maybe I should do what Ky did. Ky is my roommate, we used to be friends but some more stuff happened and now shes just a bitch. I would give her a fake name but I don’t care enough about her to do that. She’s moving out soon so I guess that’s one thing I get to look forward to. Earlier today I found out that Cordae was coming near town for his tour, and since I know I’m not the only one who like Cordae, I put a picture in the group chat of the 20 dollar tickets. I was met with 3 oofs and Sunflower who said that she didn’t want to go. Why doesn’t she want to go is probably not what you’re asking but I’ll tell you anyways. Because she said she’d feel like a 3rd wheel. Which from day 1 I’ve never understood because I try and do everything I can to make her not feel that way, but she does and because of it I can’t hang out with King and Sunflower together. They don’t make me feel liker their friend anymore, I think why that’s the reason for feeling so shitty. Like just now, 2 of our other friends came to get Sunflower and Dealer because they’re going to some event. They said hi to me and were talking perfectly fine, but when they were gonna leave, they just left. Sunflower had invited me earlier and I said I would go but when I saw that they were just gonna leave, it made me feel unwanted. I really don’t think we’re friends anymore. It’s not just that we don’t hang out everyday, but they’re deadass always hanging out and I never get invited anymore. They always say its not that deep but it doesn’t have to be that deep because they’re showing me with what they do, that they don’t want me around anymore. I always make comments to Sunflower about how nobody in the group wants to talk to me or how they only talk to each other and she used to try and convince me otherwise but now she just says “I’m sorry” and says that she feels bad. It makes me feel like its true. I told Sunflower about how rude Dealer was being and she said that it wasn’t like that as well as another friend of ours. They were hanging out at Dealer’s place and they knew that I was just at home. Sunflower texted me that Dealer had left the door unlocked for me to come through, but I feel like he did that because he knows how much Sunflower cares about me and he probably didn’t want her to feel bad. Whatever. Hope I’m done with all this shit soon, whether it be jail, death or something else I just want this to be done with. 

[donotfollowme5-blog]

What did I do?

Last one for the day. Guess I have a lot more feelings than I thought. Me and Sunflower have just been hanging out all day, it was nice I guess. Another friend came over and we watched some shitty movie, I had fun making fun of it with them. I can see that things between me and Sunflower might change soon, and that’s gonna suck when it happens. She’s gonna deny it and say that she still cares about me and what not. That I’ll always be her best friend and a part of her life. She doesn’t know that that’s not the way things work. She can’t control it. If we drift apart, then that’ll happen. If we do, it’ll probably be better for her anyways, she don’t need me. The reason I even wanted to update this is because of Dealer. I don’t want to type out his story cause I already know it but he came with 2 other friends and while the 2 friends said hi to me, he just walked straight to the kitchen. I found it hella fucking rude. It was like gross to me. I don’t think I’ve done anything recently that would’ve upset him so why do I get the shitty treatment. I had to be the one to say hi before he said anything, which is pretty fucked cause even though Sunflower lives here, I pay rent as well. It really fucking pissed me off. But like I said in the last post, maybe this is the beginning of the end of my friendship with them. Cause they’ll all definitely be friends after I’m gone. If that happens, me and King will start hanging out a lot more. Probably too much. Man my mental health is gonna fucking drop it like its hot. But guess what motherfucker, I’m gonna just type away at this stupid fucking keyboard because none of my friends want to go back to the way shit was. I’m asking for too much? Sucks too, cause I was actually starting to be happy again. Dealer actually texted me earlier asking what I was doing. I responded almost immediately and didn’t get a response until 3 hours later saying he was gonna ask to go play basketball but he left or something? He probably just found people he actually wanted to play with. How do I know? When he was at my place, he very briefly talked about going to play basketball. So he really just didn’t want me to go along. Then why text me? Probably regretted it as soon as he did 

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Been a few hours since i wrote the first one. I’m fine, Sunflower has noticed that I’m different but I just keep saying that I’m fine. But just like she said, there’s nothing to talk about. Just wanted to write down something that I noticed with the friend group lately. Every time I go to hang out with them, we just chill at, lets call him Dealer (for not so subtle reasons), Dealer’s place we end up just smoking or sitting there on our phones for hours. After I leave, almost every single time, they do something or go somewhere. Maybe I just leave to early? But its practically every single fucking time. Am I drifting from the friend group as well? Not in terms of how often we hang out but do they wait for me to leave? Like they can’t have fun if I’m around? Sunflower still thinks that King doesn’t approve of our friendship and how close we are even though I talked to King about that exact same thing. It seemed like she finally got it, and she hasn’t commented on it  since so I’m not sure why Sunflower thinks that. When we had the conversation, the way she worded shit it sounded like she called King two faced. I straight up called her out on it and of course she said that’s not what she meant but that’s really not how it came across. Either way, I still feel like I’m not part of the group anymore. I wanna keep writing but don’t know how to type what I feel, I’ll probably update this again tonight

[donotfollowme5-blog]

Who I Am

That really shouldn’t matter. Cause I’m the only one who will be looking at this either way. And if you followed my username, you’ll ignore me. The only reason I’m writing this is because for the longest time I would bottle up my emotions. Got really good at it, Olympic-level bottling. But that was before my girlfriend, lets call her King, because once again, I’m the only one who’s gonna know who the fuck these people are. Me and King started dating about 2 and a half months ago. How we met is complicated and resulted in me losing someone I considered a best friend, and while we’re still in each others lives, he doesn’t see me the same and I’ll never regain that friendship ever again. But anyways, back to what I was saying, my reasoning for writing this in the first place is because since I started dating King, I’ve had feelings again. And I’m over dramatic and probably am being a bitch writing this in the first place, but I really feel comfortable with her. I genuinely consider her one of my closest friends. But there’s been conflict with everyone else in my friend group. King is emotional as fuck and lets it get the better of her, and because of it she sometimes hurts the people around her. She apologizes but I need it to change. I keep going off on a tangent, MY REASONING FOR THIS, I’m done talking about how feelings. And I only realized this when talking to my roommate / best friend who’ll we’ll call Sunflower. Sunflower and King were great friends, they knew each other from work and got along immensely well. But like I said, King’s emotions get the best of her and she might be pushing away Sunflower away as a friend because yesterday Sunflower and I were talking and while she was drunk she said that she doesn’t want to hang out with King anymore. And for me that sucked because Sunflower is literally my best friend, like we have matching tattoos and everything, but she doesn’t like my girlfriend anymore? I like King a lot, like I said, she made me have feelings again. I cried in her arms and everything, it was a whole ordeal. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve had to try and calm both of them down, and the only way I felt I was able to do that was just talking to each other. Since feeling feelings again, I didn’t want to bottle shit up anymore and I just ask if someone has a problem with me. But I can’t do that anymore. When Sunflower and I were talking, I was asking her about how she felt about King and everything that’s been happening because Sunflower has been sad lately, and she keeps saying that shes fine when I know shes not. Kept saying not to worry about her and that there’s nothing to talk about. And something just clicked, and I decided I’m done talking about feelings. They don’t want to talk to each other about how they’re upset with one another. Fine. I’m fucking sick and tired of trying to please each of them. I just wanted them to be friends again because this whole thing has got me fucking stressed out. My grades are garbage and I don’t even fucking care. But since they want to act like this, fine, let them act like this. I’m really done talking about my feelings with everyone. Which is why I made this. Its anonymous, no one is gonna even follow me, and I can say whatever the fuck I want. While they feel some type of way to one another, I don’t think they realize that I’m in the middle of it. I feel torn between both my friends and my girlfriend who I thought got along. Maybe I’m making myself a victim, maybe I’m being dramatic like I said, but I don’t really care. Thats why I made this. Cause this will be the only place I’ll be able to talk about how I feel. It’s probably not gonna help too much. Typing this is about as good as me talking to a brick wall. But its something? Isn’t it? Hopefully I remember about this and keep writing on this empty tumblr page. I would use my other tumblr page that I have but just to be sure, i want this to be brand new. So just in case anyone does read this, which i fucking doubt. Future me is probably reading this right now thinking about how fucking dumb I sound typing this but once again it doesn’t matter. In case anyone does read this, congrats, if I write on this blog frequently, whoever reads them will be the only people to know my actual feelings on anything that happens in my life