doggerly

[doggerly]

Everyday I feel an endless clawing

At my soul

One that eats at me

Rips me up

With each decision I make

An unbalanceable scale

The scale of each issue growing and growing

Each moment

I fearfully sit in the middle, not wanting to tip the scale

But it is unavoidable

The fall begins and I frantically run to one side sweating and crying and dying a little more each time

I cry and cry gripping onto the decision hoping I made the right one hoping everything is ok

But it never is

The monument falls

Crumbles

Shatters

Into a million unrecognizable pieces

A voice in the back of my mind screaming:

YOU’RE NOT HAPPY NO ONE IS HAPPY EVERYONE HATES YOU EVERYONE HATES YOU

I HATE YOU

But even behind them, their monument falls

Into the same rubble like the one I’m clutching

And I realize

Each time

That no matter how fast I run

No matter how well thought out

It will crumble.

No matter what I do all I can do is frantically run to one side hoping to get some well preserved scraps of some mangled mess

And when it’s all over

I get to limp to the middle once more and experience the terror of my decision

Or sometimes, rarely

I get to sit in peace,

Maybe smiling

Looking down at the scraps I’ve grabbed

Thinking they’re rather quite beautiful

But only sometimes

[doggerly]

Sanrio friends ✨

[doggerly]

I’m gay

Wait also non-binary, kinda

[doggerly]

underwater

[doggerly]

Prowl