ditheringtouhoufan

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Allll I'm imagining now is WheelJack showing the TFA guys the recording of TFP Mags ripping TFA Mags a new one and the TFA bots are starstruck.

Hey! :)

Oh, yeah—that’s gonna be a whole thing, isn’t it? 😂

Because, yeah: it’s gonna be a little scary, because Prime!Ultra Magnus did his whole quietly mad thing and it was enough to send his TFA counterpart packing.

But as soon as TFA Ultra Magnus starts taking crates out to pack his things, TFP Ultra Magnus has completely won the Animated cast over.

And it catches TFP Ultra Magnus off-guard because these little ‘bots who were once so wary of him have now marked him as a favorite.

Meanwhile, Wheeljack’s just laughing his aft off because someone else can now share his pain.

TFP Ultra Magnus: *REALLY confused* What? is? happening???

Wheeljack, wheezing:

Like, Ultra Magnus was just doing what he felt was right and ensuring that his counterpart didn’t do anything more to cause trouble for these young Autobots.

He saw it as a sort of responsibility, especially since one of his soldiers had been so heavily involved in that world’s politics.

At least, that’s what he tells Prime!Optimus—who is just grinning and shaking his head the whole time as his commander struggles to justify this thing.

But now, he’s officially the Ultra Magnus of both realities—which is a designation that causes an instant processor-ache, though he is clearly fond of these young Autobots.

He can see why Wheeljack chose to defend them through their ordeals before he returned.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

I have a thing for TFP Magnus going even more apeshit on TFA Magnus after finding out about TFA Arcee, The Jettwins (hell, even TFA Wasp) and overall all people his counterpart fucked over, just him making distressed mother hen noises (TFP Mags and Jackie are both mother hens are mama bears, but won´t admit it)... Also, if he takes over as new Magnus, whatever he likes/wants it or not, what would TFA Megs think? By the way, what if the TFP gang finds out about the Shadow zone incident?

Hey! :)

Honestly, the more Ultra Magnus hears about his counterpart, the more distressed he’s going to be. I mean, wouldn’t it raise some existential questions?

I mean, if it were me, I’d be wondering if every other version of myself was like that and I was the outlier.

As soon as he starts wondering whether or not he’s even an outlier, everyone shuts that down right away.

Ultra Magnus hears about how TFA!Arcee’s mind was hacked for intel and then she was just left there, how the Jettwins were experimented on because they were expendable, how Omega Supreme was supposed to be unintelligent so that he could follow orders without question, and how Wasp lost his mind in the stockades…

And yeah, that’s a freak-out.

Because how could another him do that?!

Wheeljack’s alternate self is similar enough. All of the other alternates are similar enough.

Why is his alternate like that?!

The TFA ‘bots are kinda awed by this, because they just met this guy and he cares so much.

And when he starts imploding, they’re probably going to step in—because this guy might share a name with TFA!Ultra Magnus, but that’s just about where the comparisons stop.

And the TRUE Ultra Magnus is surprised by how quickly they take to him, but… he won’t complain. He’ll just do better, for them.

Because yeah, he’s a mother-hen/mama-bear. Wheeljack comes back from TFA like “I have seen it all and I apologize”, ‘cause he’s suddenly realized how hard he made Ultra Magnus’s life now that he has his own dumbasses.

And if a crisis arises and TFA!Megatron tries to start shit during one of Prime!Magnus’s visits, he better look the fuck out!

By my calculations, Prime!Ultra Magnus is 1.05 meters taller—and he’s swinging the Forge of Solus Prime, which is not much smaller.

It would be comical to see the look on TFA!Meg’s face when an Ultra Magnus who-

is that tall +

has that hammer +

was trained by Prime!Optimus +

is battle-scarred +

is angry +

GLOWS +

actually cares

- steps in to back the Autobots up.

Like, he’d probably know that he was in for a challenge—especially when that pain-in-the-aft Wrecker did nothing but start filming again!

…

That horror bit was more of a concept drabble than anything else, but if it happened-

I imagine that the TFA Cast wouldn’t want to go anywhere near the Nemesis during their visits.

This would confuse the TFP Cast, who kinda use the place as a mobile base of operations during Cybertron’s restoration (once they get it up and running again after “Predacons Rising”).

They assume it’s a negative association from the other reality, and they’re surprised that—NO—it’s a negative association from theirs.

Wheeljack doesn’t have time to explain the situation before TFA!Bumblebee quietly says, “He’ll still be there, watching us.”

And it takes a minute for the TFP Cast to realize what they’re talking about.

When they do, their Energon runs cold.

They’re numb as Wheeljack quietly recounts the incident in the Shadowzone.

No one likes to wander the halls of the Nemesis alone anymore, after that.

They know they’re not really alone.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Please. Dr. Greene inadvertently made literal flying lobsters. All of Griffin rock would think its a regular Wednesday. Now team prime on the other hand, Might gain some spark attacks from all the complete chaos.

Hey! :)

Very true. This is the main reason why I said that there would be active attempts to stop Wheeljack if he ever attempted to introduce Professor Sumdac to Dr. Greene.

Wheeljack’s enough trouble on his own, and so is Dr. Greene. Professor Sumdac means well, but he gets in over his head and he tends to go along with what others are doing.

Put all three of them in a room and let them do science? There will be havoc.

And yeah, Griffin Rock’s taken some hits. At a certain point, they get used to it.

But when an incredibly tired and Done™️ Heatwave makes the first report about this disaster science trio, TFP Optimus is likely going to be the first to have a spark-attack.

TFP Ratchet will follow, because of all the irresponsible antics in the universe-!

TFP Ultra Magnus will just sigh and drag TFP Bulkhead along to retrieve their idiot and the professor. TFP Bumblebee, TFP Arcee, TFA Optimus, TFA Arcee, and TFA Ratchet will most-likely come along to help, shaking their heads at the ridiculousness.

TFA Bumblebee, TFA Bulkhead, TFP Smokescreen, Sari, and Miko think that this is absolutely hilarious and encourage it. TFA Jazz will also be amused, and TFA Prowl will shake his head from the afterlife.

And Knockout and Raf will be wondering why they weren’t invited. So will TFP Ratchet, but he’s never gonna say that!

Anyway, science!

[ditheringtouhoufan]

ty in advance for reading this. there’s a v small number of autobot fliers. the maths doesn’t add up??? no way 99% fliers are cons. Bee esp could’ve been great: he’s a scout! and he’s named after a flying insect so ya know. can i req Bee who for whatever becomes a flier and some Dadimus Prime having a heart attack cause he’s not used to his sparkling being so high up?? pls get down???

To my knowledge the number difference is just because the entirety of Vos (save for an odd few) joined the Decepticons alongside Starscream. Now I love this concept, so don't mind me while I go nuts writing for it :)

A Bee with Wings

It is not too common, but sometimes for whatever reason, flier sparklings can be forged without their wings at first. This is often chalked up to frame type differences and base coding making it so that the sparkling in question won't have any glaring weaknesses upon creation. But whatever the case, such sparklings are quickly identified and offered to the appropriate caretakers through simple examinations of their code and frame structure.

Bumblebee went through every examination with little issue upon being found and taken in. He was malnourished and most certainly too small for his age, but he had the bulky build of a grounder and the disposition of one as well. He preferred the ground and showed no interest in performing feats in the air as others of his age group who had wings might. He was perfectly average and showed nothing that could possibly pertain to him wanting to take to the skies all throughout his sparklinghood. In fact Bee seemed more inclined toward remaining on the ground with Optimus, often huddling around his pedes nervously when out in the open.

That desire to stay on the ground never really faded as he edged into younglinghood. By that point if he was a surprise flier he would have shown signs, and looking back, he had. He merely hid them well amidst the chaos of war and the ravages of time.

His growth was delayed by increasing shortages of energon, and thus his frame all but ceased development around halfway into his younglinghood. This was concerning, but unavoidable. However his delayed growth often lead Bee to come to Optimus and Ratchet with aches and pains in his back that neither could identify. Bee also couldn't transform, a fact that left both the Prime and medic worried and conflicted. By the time one entered younglinghood they should be able to transform, and yet Bee couldn't. They had nothing else to go on, and so blamed the inability to transform on his stunted growth.

Many long cycles were spent reassuring Bumblebee that just because he couldn't transform, that didn't make him unworthy. It saddened Optimus greatly to see his dear sparkling so upset with himself for something that was out of his control.

Bee also showed an increasing awareness for the sky, although his interest in it beyond searching for enemy units was all but non-existent. There were also a few odd incidents of him standing atop tall structures and gazing down as if contemplating, however those were few and far between. Aside from those strange events and his inability to transform, Bumblebee was a perfectly normal grounder... up until a year into their stay on earth.

It was sudden and frightening, but one cycle late at night Bumblebee began to scream. Optimus was up with Ratchet in a mere Klik and they quickly began trying to hold Bee down as he was ferried into the medical bay. For hours they labored trying to understand what was wrong when the issue finally revealed itself. Bursting from his back were two long awaited wings many vorns overdue. They were frail and still very new, but over the course of three agonizingly long days were no one got anything done, the wings finished developing and settled enough to be of use.

It was a shock for everyone, Bee most of all. For his entire life it had been assumed that he was a grounder merely dealing with stunted growth. And while the second half of that belief was true, the first was most certainly not.

It was an interesting year or so after that. Bee needed lots of training to learn to use his wings, something Optimus and the team were not the best at assisting in. Ratchet knew how wings worked, but he did not know how to get Bumblebee to know that. Arcee was small enough to give Bee tips on how to not immediately crash due to her long vorns of leaping off things that likely shouldn't have been leapt off from. Cliffjumper was not much help, but he did do his best as moral support. Bulkhead took to catching Bumblebee when he did make attempts to fly and failed. And Optimus busied himself with trying to teach Bee to transform properly now that his sparkling finally had the capacity for it.

Bee scared the entire team as he struggled to learn to use his newfound wings. They made him more sensitive to changes in the air, often leading him to jump away from threats that were not there. Not to mention he had to learn to be careful with his wings, taking great caution to ensure they weren't damaged due to how sensitive they were. He didn't actually take to the skies for over three months, too used to the ground and afraid of falling to make the attempt. However his flier coding, no longer suppressed by the lack of wings quickly had him getting into the air weather he wanted to or not.

He quickly ended up jumping around base since it was considered safe. Then he swiftly ended up attaching himself to the team as he would with a flock, even looking back at them when they failed to join him in the skies in confusion before recalling their ground based alt-modes. Wing communication long left dormant in his codes came to the surface and old seeker methods started to show themselves within Bee.

All Optimus could do was scramble to keep up and try to teach Bee as much as he could considering his inability to fly. He showed Bee the history of fliers and offered what wisdom the Matrix had. It wasn't much, but it was enough. Of course it didn't stop Optimus from nearly having a spark attack every time Bee jumped off a cliff or threw himself into some ravine only to emerge just fine. And it still didn't stop Optimus from worrying when Bee eventually took the human children for flights after taking the under the team's wing.

Flight frames...

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Jazz and Soundwave 👉👈

SOUNDWAVE STOP GIGGLING AND KICKING YOUR FEET WE'RE BEING HACKED!!!

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Mags is a magnet for fiery balls of energy and you can’t convince me he’s not.

I love Smokescreen and Ultra Magnus being friends so much. They're the last ones to join the team and are new to the whole family dynamic, so they could lean on each other if they feel left out. Also, since Smokey's been asleep for... a while, he would probably find Ultra Magnus familiar and comforting, while Magnus is reminded of the old days with rookies before they were touched by war.

IMAGINE if these two had an episode together where they're separated from the others and have to work together to make it back. They get closer as the episode goes on and it could end with an implied father-son relationship in the making. Maybe Smokey even gets Magnus to smile!

You know, saying this reminds me of how Smokescreen was supposed to be Hot Rod, but oh well. Magnus can have two slightly chaotic sons.

Honestly it's pretty funny to me that Ultra Magnus friends are people that are usually reckless when he himself is by the books.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

The Autobots and Decepticons play "Guess the animal" and the humans have a great time

Silly idea, but like imagine how weirded out the armies would be just looking at all the animals that exist on earth. From common animals like cats and dogs to the weirder ones like Pika and Tibetan Fox

To help them get used to animals on Earth, the humans decide to play "Guess the animal" to help them get used to it

What happens is the most chaotic learning time

First off, the two armies learn that there is WAY more animals classified under "Dog"

Human: (Showing pictures of a Samoyed and a Corgi) "Alright which one is the dog?"

Megatron: "That's easy! Neither!"

Human: "No, they're both dogs."

Megatron: "What."

Next they show a Tibetan Mastiff and well...

Optimus: "This can't be a dog, it has to be a bear with all those markings and size."

Human: "Actually, this is a dog!"

Optimus: "I'm sorry what, they get that big?"

Next the humans show a Chihuahua and none of the mechs don't know what to say.

Ironhide: "Is this a giant possum?"

Skywarp: "It has to be a squirrel that lost its fur!"

Blaster: "I say it's a rabbit."

Human: "It's a dog."

Cue the mechs trying to comprehend how does a Chihuahua, Samoyed, Corgi, and Tibetan Mistaff fall under "Dog"

Next thing you know, humans decide to throw in "Guess what does the animal eat"? into the mix

Human: "Okay, true or false. Killer Whale eats Moose"

Starscream: "This is a joke, it's in the water how can it eat something on land! So false"

Humans: "Wrong, it's true"

Starscream: "HOW, IT'S ON LAND?"

Human: "Moose swim and sometimes get eaten by Killer Whales"

None of the armies don't know what to say at this point, and it keeps going. Examples but not limited to,

Starscream and the fliers reacting to a Sugar Glider.

Starscream: "This thing isn't real, this is just a napkin with eyes that someone made for an art project"

Human: (Holds one up) "It's real!" :D

Starscream: "You've got to be kidding me."

Skywarp: "IT LIVES!"

Next is showing a guinea pig to the mechs.

Megatron: "Okay, and this furry potato?"

Optimus: "How should I know, it's just hair."

Humans: "Times up, it's a guinea pig."

Optimus: "How's that a pig?!"

Human: "Well, it's not actually a pig, it's a rodent."

Megatron: (Flips table) "Who the frag is naming these animals?!"

I can see the humans putting this on YouTube for the world to see the mechs struggling to comprehend animals.

They showed them a platypus, and the video is just them trying to figure out if its real or not, some are even phoning the smartest mechs they know to help, and Shockwave hasn't been okay after being sent the image and is currently 404-ing

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Yes. Yesyesyesyesyes. I also see him jumping pretty high too; any witnesses that happen to be there are like “What the absolute fuck..?”

URGE TO READ ALIGNED CONTINUTITY BOOK SERIES INTENSIFIES

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Two main things come into my head when Feral Optimus:

Optimus just eating grass, in the middle of the night.

Optimus just snatching a hawk outta the air and maybe eating it.

URGE TO READ ALIGNED CONTINUTITY BOOK SERIES INTENSIFIES

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Writing idea:

The bots not understanding that rain on earth is water for a while which doesn’t hurt humans or them really (as long as everydries off after) and them being rather concerned when they hear a human got caught in the rain. even when smokescreen first arrived he panics when Arcee mentions it looks like it’s going to start raining soon and makes no effort to call for a ground bridge. And just in general what all of the bots would think the first time they experienced earth’s rain and learning that in some places the water that falls is even safe enough for humans to consume.

I've actually thought about this before and I still think its a great idea. Cybertron probably didn't have any safe rainfall after all.

What the Frag is this Wet Slag!

Optimus and his team were prepared to deal with organic things when they arrived on earth, including the weather. However they really weren't expecting just about anything earth had to offer them. They had done some research on the journey over, but their reports were millennia old and mostly didn't apply anymore, and so when they arrived on earth they were shocked at just about everything.

The concept of a clear sunny day was a bit unusual to them as on Cybertron even when the light of the nearest star was at its brightest, the skies were still somewhat dark. Wind was nothing new, that with raging dust storms being a very common thing on Cybertron. Of course the amount of dirt and grime contained within the wind was new and earned more than a few curses from the team as they struggled to get dust out of their seams. Cloudy weather was somewhat off-putting but not too out of the ordinary. To the team the clouds looked like the smog that polluted Cybertron's sky before and during the war. It wasn't particularly startling.

And then it rained.

The team's first response was to start screaming and dash for shelter as the water droplets began to fall. Arcee forced herself under the nearest overhand and clung to the wall for dear life, terrified of the rain. Cliffjumper transformed and skidded into the nearest human garage, which luckily for him, had no humans present at the time. Bulkhead threw himself against the nearest rock face and blasted a reasonable sized hole into it, which he promptly crammed himself into. And Optimus being far too large to hide, instead used his frame to shield Ratchet and Bumblebee from the rain as Ratchet hurriedly began remotely calling for a groundbridge.

Once the groundbridge opened, every single member of the team threw themselves into it like it was their saving grace. It was only after they got back to base and realized that "Oh my plating isn't melting off my frame" that they realized that the rain didn't seem to have any effects. It left the team baffled for weeks, with each of them very very cautiously sticking a pede out into the rain to see if it would start to melt or begin to sizzle. When nothing happened the team were still cautious, wondering if it simply took time for the effects of rain to become prominent. But after Bulkhead lost a bet with Ratchet and was forced to stand out in the rain for a few hours and still came back unaffected, the team finally started to calm down.

Bumblebee took to loving the rain once he figured out that it couldn't harm him, leading him to go out every time rain rolled in to play until it stopped. Of course he eventually started to accumulate rust just about everywhere not easy to dry and was forced to get some protective coating put on his plating if he wanted to continue messing around in the rain. Bulkhead never ended up liking the rain due to how much of a pain it was to dry off afterward, but it was tolerable to him. Arcee and Cliffjumper found the rain to be interesting due to how much the organics relied on it, but mostly they found it irritating due to how it messed up the roads and got much in every inch of their plating.

Ratchet was less than pleased with the rain, mainly because he is near certain he is cursed due to the fact that every single time he leaves Jasper, he gets rained on and usually can't get back to base for a few hours after the matter. Optimus personally doesn't mind the rain, and in fact he finds it nice just to stand out in the middle of nowhere and feel the cool rain on his frame, a nice distraction from everything.

However every single one of the bots agrees that large bodies of water. are. the. worst. Not one spark likes going anywhere near a body of water deeper than twenty feet. One reason for this is because their everything gets soaked after the matter. However the main reason is due to the fact that literally none of them know how to swim and so if they got stuck at the bottom of the ocean, they would just be stuck there until they could walk out. And that in it of itself is terrifying. No bot wants to know what lives down in the deepest parts of earth, not after learning about all the downright horrifying things that call earth home and are considered normal.

Thankfully for the team, the human children only arrived in their lives long after the fear of rain had subsided. At worst the children saw a bot hesitate to step out into the rain, thinking that it might be the acid rains of Cybertron for a moment before realizing that water is safe. And so the bots were spared of teasing and humiliating evidence of their fears... until Smokescreen arrived. The poor rookie had absolutely no training in regards organic worlds and no information whatsoever. And while the team managed to get him mostly up to date on earth and what he needed to know... they may or may not have forgotten about the rain thing due to the base's location in the dry as bone town of Jasper.

And so when it did rain while Smokescreen was out with Arcee on patrol, it most certainly didn't end well.

Arcee: *Looking up at the clouds* It looks like its going to rain soon

Smokescreen: *Looking up in horror* It's going to wHAT!?!

Cue Smokescreen sending an emergency signal to Ratchet, getting the whole team riled up thinking that something is wrong, only to arrive to Smokescreen huddling under some trees desperately trying to stay out of the rain while Arcee watched on in amusement. They managed to haul Smokescreen back to base and explain the whole concept of rain, but the rookie only started liking the idea of rain after a few months of watching every bot be totally chill with it. However poor Smokescreen ended up ranting about the horrors of the rain for all the base to hear after coming back from his first introduction to the concept and quickly garnered the attention of the children.

He was mocked for weeks and had photos taken of him panicking plastered on the wall for all to see. Not a spark was able to take him seriously for some time after that... but then again the rest of the team did not fare much better once the children managed to bribe the stories of the rest of the team's experiences out of Agent Fowler.

Miko: *Wheezing* Y- You dug a hole into a mountain just to get out of the rain!

Bulkhead: *Stuttering and failing to defend himself* We didn't know alright! Besides, Jackie isn't any better!

Wheeljack: *His mouth filled with energon* Wut?

Ah yes. Poor Wheeljack had a rather... aggressive response to the rain upon arriving to earth. His first response to the wet liquid was to try and get to his ship by driving as fast as he was able. Only he instead ended up skidding across the ground due to mud and puddles and flew right into a pond where he swiftly transformed and started screaming thinking he was going to be melted alive. He flailed and cried out in the highest pitch available to him with his voice configuration and scrambled out in terror. And unfortunately for him, Arcee got him on camera.

His shame was shared with the human children in no time. And so hoping to make another bot suffer as he had, Wheeljack tried to throw Ultra Magnus under the bus after he arrived. Unfortunately for him, Ultra Magnus handled the rain with expert precision and followed protocol to the letter. He found suitable shelter without outwardly panicking and waited out the rain while Wheeljack sulked. And so later Wheeljack walked into base with a bucket of water and threw it at Ultra Magnus, finally garnering a reaction from him.

Ultra Magnus: *Clutching at his face in horror* What. Have. You. DONE.

Wheeljack: *Suddenly very afraid for his life* It's just water... Sir

Simply put, Wheeljack nearly got his aft beaten and likely would have been killed on the spot if Optimus hadn't stepped in.

The children keep a recording of Ultra Magnus's reaction to water and replay it for him every now and then to watch him shift uncomfortably.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Optimus favorite disney movie is probably Tarzan

Optimus: So lucky.. He got to stay in the wild..

Ratchet: *tired sigh*

Ratchet: You are not a wild animal.

Optimus: By Primus I wish I was.

Ratchet: *deadpan stare into the camera like he's in the office*

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Megatron: That's it! Soundwave cut the internet!

Vehicon: Please no! I have family to fed!

Megatron:.. What?

Vehicon: My neopets are starving!

Oh my goodness.

Megatron turning off the internet: You've lost internet rights.

Every Vehicon in a ten mile radius: *Inconsolable sobbing*

Starscream from his room: FRAG I WAS IN A RANKED MATCH!

Knockout from the medical bay: NO! THEY WERE ABOUT TO FINISH RENOVATING THE HOUSE!

Breakdown: *Wailing over his frozen episode of My Little Pony*

Soundwave: *Doing just fine in his room with his hotspot*

Megatron: ...

Megatron: Guys, you all have a problem.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

The Best and Worst Patients

Some bots are just easier to handle than others. This is one of the few fronts on which both Ratchet and Knockout agree completely.

Ratchet

The easiest patient for Ratchet to deal with is definably Smokescreen. Surprising as it might be, Smokescreen is not against medical procedures and is used to having them done regularly. Being in the elite guard beat the habit of hiding wounds out of him quickly, so Ratchet does not have to deal with that scrap when handling him. (It is something the Autobot medic is incredibly thankful for considering the self-sacrificial habits of the rest of the team) The most difficulty he encounters with Smokescreen is simply trying to get the rookie to shut up while Ratchet performs his checkups. However that issue is easily resolved by giving Smokescreen an energon goodie or a small fidget toy to busy himself with while Ratchet works.

Bulkhead is next easiest patient for Ratchet. While it can be difficult to get the large wrecker in to do the check up, once he is there he is compliant and doesn't cause trouble. The only issues he causes during the actual checkup are mostly accidental and often due to his large build and the small space not mixing well. (Ratchet has lost many a good tool to Bulkhead's bursts of anger or clumsiness, but it is often quickly forgiven considering the circumstances) Ratchet usually just hands Bulkhead a data slate to watch videos on while he does his checkups. Although occasionally he does need to be a bit forceful in his orders if he wants Bulkhead to sit still. Miko prodding at and begging Bulkhead to play with her doesn't help Ratchet's efforts in the slightest, but it is still manageable.

Arcee is a completely different kind of difficult when compared to Smokescreen and Bulkhead. She hates having to go to Ratchet for several reasons, but mainly because she has had to go to him too many times for comfort. The medical bay does not bring up any good memories, too much spilt energon and too many screams have come from Ratchet's station to ever make visits enjoyable for her. She tends to only go when absolutely necessary, and even then she will grumble and complain. Ratchet is not the biggest fan of doing checkups on her, but he is a medic and so he endures her snarky remarks. If she ends up being a little too difficult for Ratchet to work with, he will patch up anything serious and send her away with the work half finished to cool off. She always comes back eventually and is usually a far better patient. On such occasions Ratchet slips Arcee a small cube of high grade energon or an energon goodie depending on what is available. She tends to walk away with a smile on her face afterwards.

Whereas Arcee doesn't like the medical bay because of bad memories, Bumblebee doesn't like it because whenever he ends up there he is usually stuck on bedrest for extended periods of time. Ratchet always tends to find something wrong with Bumblebee whenever he goes, much to his irritation. And if Ratchet doesn't find anything immediately wrong with Bumblebee, he pokes around with his prosthetic vocalizer, attempting to improve it or fix any damage to it. It is a boring and sometimes painful process. As such getting him in to have a checkup at all requires a great deal of finesse on Ratchet's part. Thankfully the medic has long since mastered the art or luring Bumblebee into the medical bay under the guise of something else. It usually starts with Ratchet having Bumblebee bring him something and then asking the scout to assist him in some maintenance. And Bumblebee, ever the helper, always agrees despite knowing there is a 50/50 chance he might get corralled into a checkup. Ratchet will then suggest that Bumblebee help him test some of his equipment or assist him in his checkups of other members of the team. At that point everything has fallen into place and Ratchet can usually convince Bumblebee to get a checkup of his own if only so that the other poor bot getting looked over doesn't have to do it alone. Sometimes the human children help by asking Bumblebee questions about his anatomy and health, questions which can only be answered by having a checkup with Ratchet.

Then there is Ultra Magnus, the second in command of the Autobots who most would assume to be a perfect patient. Ratchet can confidently say he is not. The commander does not tend to get himself injured too badly very often (save the incident involving the loss of his servo) but he does have a nasty habit of overworking himself. Ultra Magnus's poker face is nearly as good as Optimus's, as such it usually takes him passing out at his station and quite a bit of convincing from the team to get him to come to Ratchet to get repairs done for the damage he has inevitably gathered on his frame. Even after being convinced to come to Ratchet, Ultra Magnus is a bit of a pain because he is often determined to only get the bare essentials repaired. Being a larger mech he does not want to drain resources, but when there are resources available his objections just make Ratchet's work difficult than necessary. There have been many occasions where Ratchet has had to debate with Ultra Magnus or guilt trip him into even refueling properly. And there was even a time or two where he straight up had to drag the veteran into the medical bay to treat some minor injuries he was determined to not have treated. Thankfully with enough encouragement from the team and a healthy dose of logic from Ratchet, Ultra Magnus can be brought into have a checkup without any need for drastic measures.

As for Wheeljack, he is everything Ultra Magnus is not, and not in a good way. He avoids Ratchet's attempts to scan him like the Cybonic plague and blatantly ignores anyone who tries to get him into the medical bay for injuries that are non life threatening. His painful personality combined with his attitude towards medical procedures drives Ratchet up the wall. Wheeljack is the only mech that Ratchet has had to actually fight to get him into the medical bay. When asked why he is so against getting checked up on, he refuses to answer or gives some vague statement about heroics and wrecker rules. Optimus has had to be requisitioned by Ratchet at times to drag the wrecker into to see him. It often isn't a pretty affair and Wheeljack ends up leaving Ratchet repaired but with a few more dents to his helm from thrown tools. Personally, Ratchet thinks that Wheeljack makes himself a pain either because he thinks it's funny or because he has a legitimate problem revolving around medics. He still can't pinpoint which it is due to how often Wheeljack goes from being playful to almost guilty about going in to have a checkup. (Ratchet will probably never know the truth and it bothers him regularly)

Lastly there is Optimus Prime, the worst of Ratchet's patients not due to behavior in the medical bay, but due to how adamantly refuses to enter it for anything other than professional issues. He has all the same problems as Ultra Magnus but ramped up 1000% and simultaneously possesses Wheeljack's spectacular ability to avoid the medical bay. Ratchet wants to be irritated with Optimus but he really can't bring himself to considering the Prime's mindset. He can't exactly force Optimus to do anything, and so all Ratchet can do is try to persuade his old friend to allow him to tend to his wounds. It is an uphill battle, with Optimus denying himself anything other than the essentials due to his sheer size and the amount of resources he uses. The Prime feels guilty having to consume more energon and need more resources for his injuries. This leaves Ratchet with only one real way to get Optimus into the medical bay, and that is through tender and loving care. It can take hours or even days to convince Optimus that it is fine for him to get repaired and refueled, that it is alright for him to rest. Often Ratchet needs to show him that every other bot is in good shape first before the Prime even considers getting himself treated. Even then, Optimus still tries to procrastinate with work or something of the like and Ratchet either needs to get one of the team to take over anything the Prime might try to work on or pull out his best friend rights to guilt trip Optimus into getting repaired. He doesn't really like falling back on that and so he will always make sure to give Optimus well deserved affection like hugs in order to remind him of just how much he means to Ratchet.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

It's that year of time, so Imagene Optimus rolling into base light up like a freaking chirstmas tree after falling asleep at a truck stop or something.

How he suppose to transform with all theses lights going all over his frame???

I didn't know that people randomly decorated each other's trucks, but I can still see this happening. Prime is such a workaholic, he likely would just straight up pass out at a truck stop after a particularly draining patrol. Hopefully some Christmas cheer can lighten him up a bit!

🎵Oh Christmas Prime, Oh Christmas Prime🎵

The Autobots have known about the holiday called Christmas for quite some time. However they have never had an reason to celebrate it... that is until the children came into their lives and Optimus ended up rolling into base far more "cheery" than expected.

He had accidentally fallen into recharge while undercover at a truck stop looking for Decepticon activity. It had been somewhat late at night when he woke again and felt many very drunk looking human males climbing all over him putting... some sort of wiring on him?

Not wanting to scare the humans or blow his cover, Optimus remained still, watching and waiting to see just what in the pits they were doing. Eventually the human males hopped off and promptly passed out on the sidewalk, completely intoxicated. Optimus could feel the wiring they put on him, but as there was little he could do about it in the middle of the open, he opted to return to base. However as soon as he hit the road, Optimus realized just what the wiring was.

Lights. He was positively covered in multicolored lights, all of which were glowing, powered by a battery on Optimus's trailer.

When he arrived at base the very first thing he was greeted with was uproarious laughter from Miko, Bulkhead, and Wheeljack. The rest of the team were more confused than anything else as the lights were something they had learned were usually only found on houses or trees during the Christmas season. Ratchet tried to untangle the mess of lights, but the humans were rather good about wrapping it around ever cog and crevasse in Optimus's frame. Bumblebee and Smokescreen tried cutting off some of the lights with their blades, but there were simply too many lights to effectively remove them. Not knowing what else to do, Optimus decided to attempt to transform and maybe tear the lights off.

It was a bad idea.

The children fell to the floor clutching their stomachs in laughter as Optimus managed to transform and promptly tangle himself up in all the tights even more than before. Stuck looking like a contortionist on the ground with lights woven in-between his limbs, plating, and even his tires, Optimus could do nothing unless he wanted to risk harming his sensitive inner wiring.

The team tried, they really did try to get all the lights off him. But for all their efforts they were simply too large to get all the tiny little lights out of Optimus's frame. And so until a better solution was devised, Optimus was stuck looking like a glowstick of red, green, and gold. The children of course, capitalized on Optimus's predicament and decided that making him into a proper Christmas tree was the only correct choice of action.

They requisitioned Bulkhead and Ultra Magnus and had them move Optimus up against the wall so that he wouldn't be as uncomfortable in his pretzel like position. They then started methodically putting little Christmas ornaments all over his frame. Miko made a makeshift wreath and put it around him neck, Jack covered him in ribbons, and Rafael put a golden star on Optimus's helm.

It didn't end there. Optimus soon had his plating painted to look more festive, snowflakes, glitter, and other Christmas related things covering every visible part of his armor. Miko also put a little Santa hat on his final, much to Optimus's agitation.

Optimus was not fond of being made into a living lightshow, but he relented and allowed the children to do as they wished since there was nothing better for him to do anyway. The kids had a blast dressing him up and the team were a bit distracted watching Optimus's Christmas transformation to work on a way to get the lights off.

After a while they got Fowler to get a team of experts in to get all the lights off, but not before the children got a picture or two with the visibly unhappy Prime.

Extra

Optimus: I am not doing this again

The kids: Please! Just this once!

Optimus: ...Fine, just this once

The kids: Smile~

Optimus:

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Arcee, to Jack: *befriends your bloodline and aids your family for generations to come*

What about the TFP autobots coming back to Earth and they meet the kids who are now adults (referring to the ‘TFP Kids and Their Future’ post btw!) it would be very nice to see the bots interact with miko’s adopted kids if she has any💪

What a lovely idea! Gonna be some mixed angst and feels in this though so be warned. Can't have joy without a tig bit of sorrow!

After Twenty Long Years

Time works a bit differently for Cybertronians. Their indefinitely long lifespans ensure that they see the passage of time in a different light. A century for them is round about a year and change when using human measurements. As such when they finally returned to earth they were completely shocked. Twenty years wasn't all that long to them at all, it felt like an extended work trip more than anything else. So seeing the human children suddenly be no longer children and even have children of their own blew the bots away.

They knew human lifespans were short, but they didn't think they were that short.

Bumblebee was the first to return to Earth. He missed Rafael and the others and wanted to see the old base again. And so he sent a message to the American government in advance and requested a meeting with his human friends. His request was granted and soon after, he used the space bridge on Cybertron to get to earth. When he arrived he found himself before five humans who looked so similar to the ones he was familiar with, and yet incredibly different.

Rafael, now a full grown adult, was the first to step forward and greet Bumblebee as he stood staring with wide optics. Bumblebee was unable to believe what he was seeing and spent the next several minutes checking to be sure that, yes the human was indeed Rafael, and that no, he wasn't hallucinating. Then all the emotions Bumblebee had put away for later came bubbling up again.

Tearfully and with a wavering voice, Bumblebee refamiliarized himself with Rafael, then Miko, Jack, Agent Fowler, and even June. They were all much older, their organic frames more developed/deteriorated, and that startled Bumblebee. However he did his best to not show this as the children, now no longer children, began getting him up to date on everything that had gone on during his absence.

Bumblebee was sure there couldn't be any more surprises in store for him beyond the sudden (at least in his view) growth of the children into adults and the rapid aging of Fowler and June. But he found himself proven wrong when Rafael told him all about his efforts to reach Cybertron. He was only more shocked when he heard about Miko's adventures getting the organization in order all while handling being a parent. And of course, when Bumblebee felt about ready to faint from the sudden influx of data, June and Fowler let him know that they married and Jack told him all about his spouse was expecting.

With all the information and the sudden realization that humans age far quicker than he originally thought, Bumblebee sent out a notice to the rest of the team, requesting that they all join him on earth for a reunion. He did this partially out a fear that if he waited too long that the human children would up and die, but mostly out of a desire to have an excuse to get the team together again. His request was accepted by the team within a few days and soon after, they started to arrive.

Bulkhead and Wheeljack came next, and both were left flabbergasted at Miko's growth. She was still as energetic as ever and with enough will to fight a Con just like before, but the two wreckers still spent a hot minute trying to determine if Miko was actually Miko. After everything was confirmed they immediately tried to drag her into a game with them as their way of reminiscing. Rafael and Jack started to have flashbacks to times when Miko nearly got herself killed playing with the bots as she went about trying to play lob ball using a mech suit.

Ultra Magnus and Arcee came a day or so later, both swamped in work, but also eager to be back on earth. Ultra Magnus only because he wanted to ensure that none of the team did anything foolish, and Arcee because she had greatly missed her human ward throughout their time apart. While Arcee flung herself back into refamiliarizing herself with Jack who she had grown to consider a son of sorts, Ultra Magnus focused on stopping Miko and her wreckers from destroying things.

Smokescreen and Ratchet came last, each having been out beyond the borders of Cybertron doing work for the council before receiving the invitation to come to earth. Smokescreen was ecstatic and his first response was to look at the human children in awe, questioning them to see if they got reformatted before being told that, no, they just got older. Ratchet got to know the children again and congratulated Fowler and June before ultimately pulling away to watch from the sidelines. Earth had too many memories for him to be completely comfortable, especially without Optimus.

Once all the bots were settled, the now grown children brought out their families for the bots to meet.

Arcee nearly cried when she was introduced to Jack's wife and saw her very apparent pregnancy. It was incredibly hard for the two wheeler to keep her cool as Jack guided her servo toward his wife baby bump. She did end up shedding silent tears when the unborn babe kicked, allowing Arcee to feel the fledgling life growing within its mother's womb. Ratchet and the others found it incredibly interesting, but none had the same reactions as Arcee. In her mind she had only been gone the human equivalent of a few months only to return and find her human sparkling had gone off, grown up, and was about to have a child of his own. She was both pleased beyond measure at the development and sorrowful because it meant that her sparkling was all grown up and no longer needed her.

Jack, ever the kind soul, saw Arcee's emotional turmoil and asked her to be the godmother to his unborn child. The two wheeler very nearly broke down, but was able to keep her composure well enough to accept the offer with utmost respect. Such bonds, especially on Cybertron, were nothing to be taken lightly.

(Even far into the future when Jack and his children were long dead, Arcee remained and watched over his descendants loyally, totally devoted to her position as a godmother. To her it did not matter if the humans faded and died in a matter of months by Cybertronian standards. Jack and all his descendants were under her protection, she had promised him, and she intended to continue her watch, teaching and guiding his descendants centuries into the future for as long as his line remained.)

While Arcee had her moment with Jack and his wife, Ratchet and Bumblebee were introduced to the people Rafael saw as family. Rafael had not married or had any children of his own, being far too fixated on his work of reaching the stars to even begin considering such a thing. However he did take several bright and open minded apprentices who he saw as his children in a way. His apprentices were all relatively young, being in their late teens or early twenties, but in front of Bumblebee and Ratchet, they acted like children in a candy shop. Each of them asking questions at rapid fire pace, taking scans, making notes, or trying to climb up onto the medic and scout's armor.

Ratchet was scared more than anything else, not wanting to harm the little humans as they scurried about. He ended up sitting on the ground, perfectly still as Rafael's exuberant apprentices poked around and looked at him with what the medic could only describe as puppy dog eyes. For the first time in years, Ratchet smiled and allowed himself to relax, remembering times when Rafael acted the same way. As for Bumblebee? He teared up a little watching all of Rafael's apprentices scramble and look up at him with stars in their eyes. They might not have been born of Rafael, but Bumblebee could see Rafael's influence and felt more than a little excited as his big brother instincts kicked in. Rafael's little apprentices had so much to learn, so many questions, and endless curiosity. Bumblebee couldn't wait to watch them grow.

(Bumblebee ended up making earth his mostly permanent home, only ever returning to Cybertron for short periods of time or for important work. He took great joy in watching each generation of Rafael's space program work away happily, each being so curious and desperate to reach the stars. Eventually Bumblebee, in a far off future, would stand by the humans who had taken on Rafael's legacy as they stood before the council and joined the wider galaxy. Ratchet would become something of a legend for those in Rafael's program, turning up randomly and for a few months at a time before vanishing for decades. Ratchet couldn't stand getting attached after Rafael's death and so only returned to earth occasionally to check in on Rafael's legacy before leaving again. However when humanity finally did join the rest of the galaxy, he at last allowed himself to let go of his grief and connect with humans again.)

Meanwhile Ultra Magnus, Smokescreen, Bulkhead, and Wheeljack were introduced to Miko's rather large family. She had married, but she and her partner had not had children of their own, instead opting to adopt children from war torn countries. Miko's clan numbered around twelve strong including her and her spouse and not including her two dogs, both named after the wreckers she had grown up emulating. The wreckers and the rookie elite guardsman were left completely awestruck for the most part upon seeing Miko's rather ginormous family. They ended up spending the entire day playing with her horde of children, singing them songs, teaching them Cybertronian games, and wrecker standards. By the end of the day, each of Miko's children were thoroughly sold on the idea of becoming wreckers themselves.

Wheeljack, in his increadible wisdom, forged each of Miko's children little blades just for them, telling them to protect the innocent and fight for freedom like wreckers aught to. As her children were all between the ages of six and seventeen, the results of his gift giving were varied, but the end result led to Ultra Magnus giving the children lessons on proper blade usage and law. Bulkhead did his best to keep them from trying to stab each other, on purpose or by accident, all while Smokescreen made it more difficult by setting up targets and giving the children fake Decepticons to fight (he ended up pretending to be Megatron, much to the joy of the children as they defeated him in glorious combat).

(Miko's descendants would later go on to create a human division of the wreckers with Wheeljack and Bulkhead's help. Their unit was accepted by the Cybertronian council after more than a little haggling on Ultra Magnus's part. But in the end, humans and Cybertronians fought together side by side, as brothers and sisters in arms, bound together by their oaths as wreckers. Smokescreen was not involved much in this, but did train multiple humans in fighting against Cybertronian opponents.)

It was a good day for both humans and Cybertronians. At last, they were reunited... However not all news was pleasant.

When asked about Cybertron, the bots told them that it had been restored... at a cost. When questioned as to where Optimus was and what the cost happened to be, the saddened expression from the bots led the humans to piece the puzzle together rather quickly. To Rafael, Miko, and Jack, Optimus was not only their protector, but he was also a guide, teacher, and listening ear. They may not have been as close to the Prime as they were to the other bots, but he was still always there, always willing to march forward no matter the odds. As such hearing of his sacrifice to restore Cybertron was not surprising considering the Prime's personality, but it was saddening.

Optimus would never see the fruits of his labor, he would never know if earth was safe and if all went well. He would never know of Rafael's acheivements. He would never meet Miko's children. And he would never get to see Jack's unborn child.

They may not have known the Prime like Ratchet did, but they loved him nonetheless.

Optimus's Return

Ten years after the team returned to earth for the first time, Optimus returned to the living realm, and after completing his mission, made his own visit to the human children he had once guarded.

He was met with teary eyes and long awaited hugs. They were older, far older than he remembered them being, but the humans were still his little ones all the same. Optimus could not stop the small yet sad smile that formed on his face as he brought Jack, Miko, and Rafael up to his face. They hugged him softly and afterward, brought him to meet their families as they had done ten years prior with his team.

Rafael's apprentices were still as starry eyed as ever before, and Optimus patiently answered their questions when they were brought to him and promptly bombarded him with queries. Miko's children were an absolute joy for the Prime, even the grown ones were lovely. He spent hours telling her young ones stories and gently patting her first grandchild as the babe reached for his huge digit with a happy giggle. Jack's small family was just as wonderful for Optimus and he spent just as long lovingly playing with Jack's ten year old son and five year old daughter.

(Long into the future, Optimus still made journeys to earth just to meet the children born of Miko and Jack's lines. He became something of a mystical entity to their descendants, coming to earth once every handful of decades to bless the children and wish them well. Most would think it meant nothing, but later, after many generations had come and gone, each receiving Optimus's blessing, the children started to change. Almost as though an instinct had been implanted into them long ago, the children always came running when Optimus came, each reaching out to him and understanding his words despite nothing being spoke in English, or sometimes even aloud. In time, they would come to develop a unique bond with Cybertronians and an ability to understand them as no other humans had ever before. Weather it was the result of Optimus's blessings or the progression of humanity is debatable, but the results are undeniable.)

[ditheringtouhoufan]

If tfa and prime met what would happen

Short answer: Lots of adoption on TFP Optimus's part.

I don't really feel like deep diving into all the characters individually since I have a plan for an au based on this general idea, so I will try to keep things fairly concise.

In regards to both Primes meeting, it would likely be very respectful. TFP Optimus would respect the hell out of TFA Optimus for holding his own and doing so much at such a young age. And TFA would similarly be in awe of TFP Optimus for his skill, power, authority, and the fact that he is practically a demi-god by nearly any standard. TFP would do his best to train and guide his younger counterpart and silently begin gathering up adoption papers the moment he finds out about TFA Optimus's past. What's one more sparkling anyways? TFP Optimus already has half a dozen of both Cybertronian and human origin. Oh and then would you look at that! All the other TFA bots are suffering from something and need a dad! Where did those additional adoption papers come from? Who knows!

The Ratchets meeting would be less than exemplary. They would still respect each other, but their meeting would quickly turn into a match to determine which of them is better than the other. They would compare circumstances, throw their respective pasts and achievements at the other like live grenades. And they would also debate heavily on their differing medical knowledge, leading them to get into an actual brawl over T-cogs until they realized that differing biology is the only thing causing their argument. There would also be a degree of anger as TFP gets on TFA's case about their government (not that TFA Ratchet disagrees that Cybertron's government is awful, he just doesn't like listening to a much more maintained version of himself saying it).

The Bumblebees would have an... interesting meeting. Their differences would be a bit much to make them respect the other in the way that the Optimus's do. But they would get along well enough and develop a friendship nearly right off the bat in response to TFA's excitableness and TFP's competitiveness. The roads would be completely covered in tire markings by the time their meeting comes to an end. TFP doesn't like leaving a challenged unmet and TFA is in his own words "the fastest thing on wheels".

The Bulkheads would get along fine. TFA would be happy to simply sit and discuss the woes of having to look after a human child with TFP would would strongly agree. A good chunk of their meeting would revolve around sharing their respective hobbies, experiences, and their differing ways of handling children. TFP would find TFA's artistic abilities amazing since he has always considered himself unable to perform such artistic pursuits due to his size.

The Ultra Magnus's would hate each other immediately simply because of vibes. TFP would hate his counterpart for being such an aft to everyone and running the most corrupt government he has seen since before the war. And TFA would hate TFP because "What the pits are you doing running a team of mongrels and serving under a mere Prime?". The miscommunication would be increadible as neither would be fully willing or capable of explaining things to the other. In the end their meetings would turn into the most passive aggressive debate known to Cybertronian kind.

The two Decepticon factions would hate each other on principle. The TFA Decepticons would be disgusted at the lack of any and all honor and TFP would hate the idea of competition and weakness among their counterparts. It just wouldn't end well.

As for the bots whose counterparts would be too far away or nonexistent? They would have a grand old time causing chaos and watching both their worlds turn upside down due to the meeting of their universes.

[ditheringtouhoufan]

Random question, but how good do you think the ‘Bots and ‘Cons would be at cooking? Does the Matrix happen to have any tips or knowledge of the culinary arts? Would the kids be of any assistance to the ‘Bots, or would they also fail at cooking? For some reason I think Miko would be really bad at making anything with more than 5 steps but make a really good grilled cheese sandwich. You think they would fare any better at baking?

Heck yeah this is funny.

━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙ ━━━━━━━━━━━━ ⊙ ❖ ⊙

Cooking on Earth

As a general rule, cooking is not really a thing on Cybertron, at least not as it is on Earth. The process of creating energon based fuels and treats is more of a purification than any real chemical bonding or serious alteration as commonly seen in human culinary works. As such, when the team brought the children under their care and were then hit with the realization that they needed to fuel their small wards, issues arose immediately.

Arcee could hardly process normal energon, much less cook anything to save her life. The only human food she is capable of putting together is boxed macaroni and cheese. Even then, it still isn't all that good. She either adds too much butter or none at all. Her milk additions make dish look more like cereal than anything else and quite frankly she somehow manages to burn the noodles despite that fact that it should be nearly impossible. The children don't like her attempts at cooking, but if pressed, they will consume her noodle dish. She has attempted baking but has only succeeded in burning the wall in an attempt to quote "make sure the cake was fully baked".

She is not allowed in the kitchen alone. Ever.

Bulkhead has been met with limited success in all things gelatin. He can't make much else unless he is putting sauce on pre-ordered food, but gelatin he can do. On Cybertron he was known amongst the Wreckers for his banger jellied energon, even earning minor praise from Ultra Magnus. Thankfully for everyone, the same general concept applies to human jellied treats, and so Bulkhead is able to make gelatin without killing anyone. Of course his flavor profiles are rather... off. He has no clue what actually is constituted as good food for including in gelatin, but he tries his best.

Smokescreen and Bumblebee can make a mean grilled cheese, but only if they are working together. One must have their optics on the food while the other plays music in the background while grating cheese. If either of them get distracted or only one is present, the results are wild and worthy of a fire extinguisher. Bee has attempted soup before, and surprisingly, once in a blue moon he can make a really good potato soup. It is close enough to preparing energon rations that he can manage it occasionally. Smokescreen though? He has been given a lifetime ban from the stove. He somehow manages to make a really good salad despite that. It is largely just him throwing random green things in the fridge into a bowl, but it works generally.

Ratchet does not cook. Optimus has forbidden him to cook despite the Doctor wishing to figure out the strange science. The only time he tried cooking, he made actual poison and almost fed it to the kids thinking it was a nutrient dense supplement. Since then he has been confined to the realms of baking, which thankfully, is not too foreign since he can and has made spectacular energon goodies in the past. He knows how to work heat related tools well enough to make really good cupcakes. He can't do frosting though. Its always chunky or pure liquid sugar. Miko still eats them, even if they are a little burned sometimes.

Ultra Magnus can cook, on both Cybertron AND Earth. He just refuses to do so. Period.

Optimus for his part, despite his knowledge, can cook in theory. He knows how it should work, and so largely depending on the resources given to him and his level of focus, he can make a mean dish on Cybertron and Earth. His specialty on both worlds is a variant of shepherds pie, something he lived and vented back on Cybertron due to how cheap it was at the local restaurant. Of course the names of the dishes and the ingredients differ, but the concept remains the same. And so as long as the dish requires no decorum, Optimus can make it fairly well. However if asked to bake, the Prime physically cannot. The singular time he made the attempt, he came away covered in soot and with a lifetime ban from the baking items.

When it comes to the Decepticons, Megatron does not cook, period. On Cybertron he was a fantastic brewer of high grade, but that skill does not translate over well. On the Nemesis, he has a small personal brewing station where he will occasionally whip something up for himself. But that is a rare treat. He has taken the time to study human brewing methods though, largely out of a desire to mock their efforts. This of course led to some experimentation on his end, which in turn resulted in better high grade than what he was capable of producing before. He will never admit where the jump in skill came from.

Knockout and Breakdown love to make cake specifically. They can't even eat the stuff, but they like seeing how big and how grand they can make it. Hours are spent dutifully baking cakes to perfection, molding them, and then decorating them. Usually its done after Cybertronian sites, but off an on they will make human tourist locations out of cake. Breakdown also experiments with chocolate and has become relatively good at making realistic chocolate molds. These, along with Knockout's cakes, he takes to different places around the globe to donate. He may not be fond of humans, but waste is not acceptable.

Starscream is by far the best chef out of all present Cybertronians, and that is only because he fragging hates that Gordan Ramsey is better than he is at it. Starscream has devoted a ridiculous amount of time to cooking JUST so that he can curse right back at the human chef and prove himself superior. No, he does not know where it stemmed from. No, he cannot even eat what he makes. But frag it all he will get that beef wellington right or he will die trying. However against all expectation considering his considerable cooking ability on Earth, he can't cook on Cybertron to save his life. He never needed to, so he never learned.

Shockwave doesn't cook. He makes purified energon and that is all. He doesn't even bother learning anything else. Why would he? Its not like he can taste or appreciate anything complicated. Arachnid does not cook either, and that is largely because she sees it as beneath her. Soundwave is in a similar boat and does not bother... unless it comes to making cat treats. Those he will go through the pain of working with tiny human tools to manage in order to lure in the furry creatures.

Dreadwing can only make noodles. And only from the box. He has no explanation.