dirtundermyfingernails

[dirtundermyfingernails]

[dirtundermyfingernails]

I’m sorry I’m the one you love

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Sorry, I didn't text back. Everything has been a lot lately.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

God. Fuck.

In the last two months I’ve felt rested after I woke up from sleep maybe once. I mean my sleep is weird like that, there’s a lot of days where I sleep 4-5 hours bc I have too much to do but also, as far as my sleep patterns go, I have been sleeping a normal amount much more that I’m used to. But still I feel so tired all the time. And the less I sleep the more derealization and psychotic symptoms sink their claws into me and the more insane I get the less I sleep bc how am I supposed to sleep when I’ve convinced myself I’m gonna die during the night. Everything is getting worse and it’s a self escalating cycle. And I’ve told myself it’s ok it’s just what happens to me sometimes but fuck. It’s not ok. It genuinely hard. I’m playing life on hard mode and I’m struggling with stuff normal ppl don’t even think about and I’m doing that while also trying my hardest to remain functional and defend my diploma. I’m so tired.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

I DEFEATED RELIGIOUS TRAUMA ALREADY

AND NOW I HAVE TO DO IT

A G A I N ?!?!?!?!

CAN’T HAVE

S H I T

IN THIS ECONOMY

[dirtundermyfingernails]

There’s so much violence in my head all I think about is biting someone with my dog teeth until there is nothing left to chew on but bones

[dirtundermyfingernails]

My point is: I’m fine as long as I’m alone. Romantically speaking. Like yeah I get touch starved but I don’t long for any part of the emotional romance. Like you don’t get it. Idk if it’s trauma or I’m aro or I just had a bad run with romance but honestly. I don’t care. My mental wellbeing is a fragile thing and if not being committed to anyone is what keeps it in check I’d say it’s a low price. I don’t feel like Im losing anything.

I love my friends so much I could cry, I’d give up my kidney to save any of them but I just can’t afford romance. Not at this point in my life at least. Not like that.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

there’s a part of me that wants to be completely and utterly alone. then there’s the other part that desperately clings to anyone i care about. i feel rather pathetic either way.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

i am going through the mentals

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Turns out I didn’t cure bpd I just avoided close relationships like it’s the plague the last two years and now that the trigger is back I can feel myself going back to the worst version of myself.

I wasn’t built to be loved, it’s like a curse that I put on people.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Game plan:

Sleep less

Work more

Refuse sustinance

Go absolutely fucking psychotic

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Yup, still mentally ill

[dirtundermyfingernails]

[dirtundermyfingernails]

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Haven’t posted here in a while and that’s because

THERAPY FINALLY WORKED!!!!

Like don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much mentally ill and haunted by the ghosts of my past but idk. If ur followung this blog ur probably fucked in the head check similarly to me and I just want ppl to know it gets better sometimes and that’s cool. I still want to die more than an average person but there are moments when I can genuenly say i have fun being alive. God played a fucked up joke on me tho and the instant i realized i have the capacity to be happy, my health had an epic flop so like. Still not counting out the possibility that i might die sooner than normal ppl do. But despite that, fuck yeah we Ballin.

Also my ed is still here and not going anywhere which is kinda annoying cause I thought it would just kinds fix itself once I stopped actively hating myself but apparently I have to put in the work 🙄🙄🙄

I shouldn't be complaining about my health ig, I am making it worse after all

Thx for reading, here's a kith on the forehead and some juice 4 u!!!!!!!

(ʃƪ ˘ ³˘) 🧃

[dirtundermyfingernails]

Can’t help but feel I’m in this for life and even if it’s not true it feels true right now and reality is only what I percieve it as in the moment. I have an amazing ability of creating new realities with every new emotion but it corrupts me. I am a fucked up god.

[dirtundermyfingernails]

It’s that time of year again