diaryofnie

[diaryofnie]

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[diaryofnie]

July 6, 2024 The Beginning

8.56 am

A 24-year-old obese(97.35kg) with hair loss, dark circles, blackheads, and other ugly spots. Yeah! That’s me. As for how I ended up in this state, that’s a long story. Now, I haven’t slept at all last night. As to what I was doing? Why? Of course! My brain was on overdrive. Inspiration! INSPIRATION to write this damn blog won’t leave my mind. Why did God make me mediocre? If I was dull-witted, I would have seen through my capabilities and would work hard in a down-to-earth manner or If I were a genius, I would never be in this state. But God made me mediocre he gives me bursts of inspiration from time to time making me believe myself capable of great things but it is all a dream because inspiration will only accompany me for a few days and afterward it is nowhere to be found.

Anyways, I am Nie, born in a local hospital of Dibrugarh, Assam, India on 24th September 1999. As for the rest of the introduction, we will slowly get to know each other.

5.47 pm

Good evening, I slept all day. I have messages to call My Friend Y.  So talk to you later.

5.55 pm

Sighhhh…. Y gave me the task to modify their project’s white paper yesterday. Wait let me explain some things first I will be going to Delhi this Tuesday to hopefully join Y’s business team as a content writer. Y is a friend I met when we attended college together. Because of COVID, we only got to know each other properly for like only one and a half years but I think he is a good person. At least I hope so.

Anyway, I think they are not satisfied with my work. They told me to make their technical content more professional and not to simplify it…. If Y was not my friend, they probably would not want me on their team. I have a feeling I won’t be able to rely on this job to earn money because of my low skills. 

8.49 pm

I have no words to explain this. Y showed me some work the design team their team contracted to have done. It was like okay. I have no idea about this. Sure, the designs do not have the wow factor but it is not like I have the say. I only sometimes browse Instagram reels.so I have no idea what social media expects. But then he told me that the designs were very substandard and then told me to make some. I was like perplexed. My self-confidence was already low, and now it took a big hit. I am such a loser and I don’t even know how to improve myself. I know the standard response in this situation is to learn some designing and somehow show them even though I don’t have the skill I should be willing to learn and improve for the team. But to really follow through it is complicated. I feel like standing before a blank canvas but my fingers holding the brush do not move. 

I don’t want to face failure. I hate it. I can’t believe I can’t create value for myself when I dreamt of creating value for others as a child. The disappointment, loss, and other complex emotional issues are making me nauseous. I casually asked perplexity but the AI’s answer brought me to a halt.

Suddenly, I understood why I was waiting for the past six years. I was waiting for someone to hold me, guide me, and reassure my way towards the future. I just wanted to wholeheartedly trust someone. I wanted to feel a sense of stability and security. I can only blame myself for the fact that it took an AI to make me see sense. 

11.18 pm

Good night

Short term goal– Earn enough money to buy    Iphone 13 pro

Long Term goal–  travel around the world