diaryofaddiction-blog

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Post 4

The weapon.

I can call it by many different names, yet all of these names come to one root term: weapon.

My weapon exists as an ideal. It exists as my single greatest tool. With my weapon, I can destroy my foes, carve a shelter for myself, and kill my prey for consumption.

How shall I learn to use this weapon properly?

I have nobody to teach me the way of this weapon. I have nobody to show me how to use it. I’ve seen people of various different creeds coming together in peace and harmony. They’ve also succeeded in peacefully isolating from one another.

Yet, when I look around, I see nobody in this room except me. I can think of nobody to call and ask about how to direct my life except for myself. I can think of people who will say the following advices with the utmost conviction:

“get a day job”

“become an entrepreneur”

“follow Christ”

“seek God for yourself”

“just chill”

“WAKE UP BRO”

“get into a fight”

“learn how to stay out of fights”

Even as I write this, I feel the temptation of chaos in my mind. It tells me that to write these thoughts out will lead to the destruction of true freedom and true godliness.

Yet, I have endured so much abuse at the hands of other people because I’ve listened to this voice, and I have nothing to show for it except a strong desire to create orderliness in my life.

Then we shall conduct this first exercise in the vein of binary thought. Do I do good to bend to chaos, or evil?

If I feel chaotic, I lose control of my mind. If I lose control of my mind, I lose control of my actions. I become lost.

When lost, what does one naturally seek? Anything more stable than oneself to hold on to.

So, then, viewing chaos as the thing that causes misdirection, and viewing order as the thing that remains unified, one would say that I ought to cling to order.

Let’s make things more dramatic... In a life or death situation, given the choice between falling apart into dust or staying together, I would choose to stay together. I would choose to stay together because I have no other choice. Nobody can choose to fall apart into dust. To fall apart into dust would mean that you no longer exist, and as such have died.

If you can read this, that means that you, like me, cannot choose to die. You must choose to stay together. In fact, every single living entity must make the choice to keep together.

And yet, my entire understanding of love itself, the very definition of orderliness, came from a place of....

It came from something beyond me. If you should then view chaos as the thing beyond, you must ask yourself: what must I create with my life?

My mind has gone to a place of chaos, again. I feel lost and confused.

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Post 3

Approximately 9 years have passed since I made my previous post. I have struggled tremendously in those years with Pentos. 

Pentos has corrupted me psychologically. Though it has not destroyed my understanding of moral values, it has given me the ability to completely ignore those values, if I so choose. 

Looking back, the younger me had a good idea on how to destroy Pentos. He said that he needed a friend, and body armor, and a weapon. Imblrhttps://www.tumblr.comExplore trending topics on

I’ve found a friend: myself

I’ve found armor: my intelligence

I’ve found a weapon: actions based in logical thinking

I need not complain to anybody, for nobody would care to hear any complaint from me. I struggle alone, and I suffer alone. One might call it sad, and yet I would not call it such. I would instead call it a form of strength. I have endured rather intensive isolation and trauma, and have found, within myself, a better solution to coping with my internal pain than through Pentos.

Through a rather comprehensive education, I’ve developed a sense of confidence when engaging in any academic pursuit. Regardless of my knowledge in any area, I know that I possess the ability to attain knowledge. As such, I have no fear of the unknown, for I know that I do not know.

Pentos gave me a sense of power based in primality, but the power that it possesses only exists to serve the higher powers of ideals. To engage in the pleasures of the flesh, with no regard for any higher morality, leads to the destruction of higher morality within oneself and eventual subservience to higher morality. Contrarily, to sacrifice one’s own pleasure for a higher purpose leads to enlightenment and true power. I know for a fact that absolute good and evil exist, but I know nobody who has defined it for me, except perhaps Christ. Nevertheless, I know that I possess the ability to determine binary values, and that, from these values, I can determine an absolute sense of moral right and wrong from which I can determine every single decision I make in my life.

The friend, I know with certainty, for he never leaves me.

The armor, I possess intrinsically. Though it may wear down and require alterations at times, it never weakens.

The weapon, I must now master. As a soldier used to bearing the weight of his armor might feel confident, but he cannot exactly destroy his foes. One cannot wag war without a weapon, and I must wage war against that which seeks to destroy me. As such, we shall begin training...

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Post 2

I spent a bunch of time writing a post earlier. Tried to make it sound nice. Somehow, it went missing, but I want to post still. Just like any good bully should, pentos challenges me to fight on its terms and turf. Instead of saying yes like a fool, today I ran from my monster. Yes, I ran, and that way I won the day. Pentos will crush me underfoot if I so much as attempt to fight it, so instead I starve it. 300 Spartans positioning themselves so they could fight an army of thousands. Me running away from a single foe to break his wrestler's hold over me.

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Post 1.5 - clarification

In post 1, I wrote

"Why is that? Why do I let pentos abuse me the way it does? I don’t know. No, I do know: that’s the reason, right there."

Translation: I let pentos abuse me because I'm too afraid to ask questions and resist by asking the hard questions that the addicted part of me doesn't want answers to. 

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Post 1 - Pentos and the world

So many thoughts go through my mind and I don't know which I should write down first if I'm basing priority on importance. 

My room could use some cleaning. Unimportant.

I feel nervous even though I expect nobody to read this. Important only if somebody else reads this and I care more about my audience than changing the world.

I don't. The reason I said I feel nervous, I now realize, is from a desire not to ramble, which one might argue is exactly what I'm doing. 

Let's get started. You can call me Jake for now. My addiction I will refer to as pentos. Why? No reason.

Pentos and I have a very old relationship. We first met when I was about nine or ten years of age. One night, I fooled myself into thinking Pentos was a good thing. Big mistake. Pentos is a monster: not a man, not a woman, not a single entity, but a huge, murderous, seductive beast. I hate Pentos. Pentos hates me. But from the moment I let it into my life, the life that I knew ended. Pentos is a murderer. Pentos killed me. Pentos kills me more every day. 

But I'm not sad, or anything. 

I'm serious. Not sad, reader. Why is that? Why do I let pentos abuse me the way it does? I don't know. No, I do know: that's the reason, right there. Because I'm too afraid to fight it. Right here and right now, I'm fighting it. With every word I speak that has been spoken a million times in the hearts of those who suffer with me, I'm fighting pentos. Can pentos be beaten? Definitely, certainly, without a doubt I can beat pentos, but first I need a friend. And a weapon. Several weapons. And body armor, stretched from the hairs on my head to the callouses of my feet. Who cares if I don't use grammar properly here? This blog isn't about being concise; it's about me hashing out my mind and my struggles. 

WHAT IS HISTORY? It's how humanity advances; how we know what mistakes not to make. Funny thing is, it never works: wars are perpetually waged in a world calling for peace, and hate breeds harm in a culture crying for love. And then there's pentos. Pentos has been around for a good, long, while. Every fucking moment. Pentos isn't just a beast. It's something much worse. Pentos is a slaver. Not in 17th century style; more like a mind controller. Pentos tells you what to do and how to live, but in a subtle way that you don't notice until somebody tells you so.  Like an itch, almost. 

Anyways, though, that's pentos. The less important you think it, the more sway it has, and the more you feed it, the more it wants. That applies to many other things, though; not just pentos. 

[diaryofaddiction-blog]

Introduction:

I don't know how often I will write, but I plan on developing a regular pattern. I don't care if anybody goes through this with me; I'm writing this down because I simply need to, and I don't mind if others read my words.