diary-of-a-sad-panda

[diary-of-a-sad-panda]

January 26th, 2014 9:30 PM

Dear Bob,

Why are humans so fragile and weak? They get crushed so easily. The one thing though is that they get back up. Fitting in, belonging, these are so powerful. The feeling of being accepted or in a group is so strong. Wanting to scream for help but fearing the drawing of attention. I know how that feels, I pray no one feels that way. Unbearable loneliness. But then again that's what I have you for, Bob, isn't it?

That's the thing isn't it? Cry over something to detach your feelings for it. Cry at night so you can show your smiling face to everyone in the day. Do you remember those days? Where I would cry once a week? It's alright now we're happy. Dance makes us happy. Austin makes me happy. Christina and Robert make me happy. We are as happy as can be. Happy. Happy. Happy.

[diary-of-a-sad-panda]

January 15, 2014 6:48 PM

Dear Bob,

It's ok to be cruel right? To put things simply blunt? To protect others even at severe consequences. Loyalty, the only thing this world prevents me from being able to possess. I am a beta. I exist to aid, to facilitate, to protect. Tired face, later.

[diary-of-a-sad-panda]

July 29th, 2013 1:44 AM

It's a terrible thing to cry alone. But I really shouldn't complain, other people have it worse than me. I don't know, I wish I could die right now, but I'm scared of what happens after. Where do we go. Idk I feel so sad and lonely. Cause really people don't understand how I feel, why couldn't I have been a more open person. This life feels more and more like a burden than a gift. How lonely. I hope no one ever feels the way I do. I want to cry to someone. I want to scream soo loud, but I can't. A little person too afraid. No one should ever feel bad for me.

My lonely little set up. It hurts. More than anything. Being shot at would be less painful than this. That's why I'll never let anyone see me in this pitiful little state. I guess this is to be expected. Trusting someone too easily only leads to disappointment.

Just so I can get over this. Someone I can sob my eyes out to in their arms. I can't. People wonder why trust is a privilege, it's because sometimes they can't handle it and run away. They pretend to go on with life as if nothing happened. While the other is left with their own problem to clean up all by themselves. "Selene" "Brad" "Selene" A shattered heart physically hurts. If King, Effie, Hilly, Fey, or Francy had their hearts broken like this I would personally murder them. Not in a tough way but I would beat them up [the person who hurt them]. Because in my eyes they're too kind and weak to be able to ha[ndle] this pain. It's terrible. It's ok, I'll bear with this. Because I've gained one chocha [?] you can only rely on yourself, don't trust anybody, don't let anyone in. Keep to yourself. You can be happy on the outside and sad on the inside, it's all about facades. Be nice to others because everyone has their own sadness. Don't make decisions when you're depressed. Sigh. I'm all alone with Bob, like old times, except now I'm more depressed. Someone please save me from myself.

[diary-of-a-sad-panda]

October 19th, 2012

If life is so unbearable, then why do we endure it? Why is life so sad? Why does it hurt so much? Life itself is a heavenly hell. I would rather die than live like this. It hurts. It hurts. No one even knows. Except Brad knows. That's how I know I love someone. Someone to take away the pain, someone to live for, someone who doesn't make me feel alone in this world. But maybe that isn't enough. I'm choking on life. Help me. Maybe I'm just naturally unnaturally weak and unable to take sadness and take it to the extreme. I hope I die early. I can't take much more of this, the best and most peaceful (maybe not the most fun or best) dreams is me dying or the world ending.

Maybe I'm just a pessimist. I don't know. I hope Brad has fun at practice today. I truly am bringing him down, grade wise and socially. I am a disappointment as my parents have said, why won't I die already, I feel ready but I can't leave. I want to be with Brad. Only he knows the most about me and is closest to me. I truly am a pitiful person aren't I? I hope I never have children. It'd be sorrowful to bring them into a wretched world where they are brought pain and sadness when they are promised happiness.

[diary-of-a-sad-panda]

May 5th, 2011

Had a dream about the world ending again. We were on a field trip and suddenly I felt it was chaotic so I grabbed Sarah and ran. I was the first one and while I was running I heard Helen call out to me that I was the luckiest girl alive.

I reached a safe spot and Andrew was there, half burnt. I thought he was dead. I think he wanted to kill me for leaving him behind. So the first part of the dream ended (Lol I fell asleep writing this)

The second part was in New Orleans. There was a bee swarm. I followed this random guy around. I think I wanted something from him. Bob wasn't in my dream.