diary-of-a-people-pleaser

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

sorry for no entries recently things have just been weird

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 149, 10-2-21, 6:10P

wow spooky month…

Not sure where to start here.

I think I’ve improved

Mentally I mean

I’m not actively suicidal like I was as SB

I’m just overwhelmingly neutral now.

Nada…

I just want to understand the personas…

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 148, 9-28-21, 1:15P

I’m doomed haha

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 147, 9-28-21, 12:24A

I was on a multiple-day streak of feeling good

But it’s faltering

I’m just tired and stressed

Living is so stressful

ah

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 146, 9-26-21, 12:08A

Dear ██,

I know you’ll never read this but I’m sorry.

For everything.

I’ve been a bad friend

Consistently narcissistic.

I care too much about myself

I practically ramble nonstop

You just let me do it

I’m sorry that I’m so clingy

I’m sorry that I burden you

I’m always insecure and I am just not a good friend

We shouldn’t be friends, for your sake

You know all too well what is inherently wrong with people pleasers

They let people walk all over them and, in return, they walk all over the people who refuse to do it to them

That's just reality

I love you but I’m probably toxic

Sorry that I can’t cut you off

It would affect us both too much.

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 145, 9-20-21, 10:45P

I’m a very complex person

Unrealistic

I’m not a real person

I’m perfect

I’m supposed to be perfect

I was made to be perfect

I have to be a perfect identity

I was made to be perfect

I’m not a person

I don’t matter

I’m just a doll

I’m just a doll

█ █ wanted █ dollhouse but you can’t do that with real people

Except me

I’m not a real person

I’m still █ doll

Everyone else can get away but I can’t

█ wanted perfection

█ played with the lives of others

But it all fell apart

Because of █ doll

█ perfect illusion fell apart because of me

I didn’t know dolls could destroy the dollhouse

I somehow fuck everything up and this is no different

I destroy everything I touch

Dolls shouldn’t do that

Real people are allowed to be imperfect

But I’m a doll, I’m supposed to represent perfection

That’s what I was raised as

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 144, 9-15-21, 10:39A

Why the fuck should I care about what happens to this ███?

█’ve never cared about how what █ do affects me

And now █’re falling apart.

█ deserve it

The entire situation is all falling apart

And my attempts at being Atlas have ended up for nothing because it’s like I’m the only person who actually fucking cares about holding the ███ together

I’ve sacrificed so much for nothing

I’ve sacrificed my relationships and my happiness just for everyone else

My █ is a horrible person and my █ just has no empathy at all.

Nobody cares about how it’s all affected me

Nobody cares about what I’ve had to do to try to hold it all together

I’m a fucking doll

I can’t want or need anything anymore because of all this

I can’t make decisions

This isn’t a complex I’m genuinely in the right

And I DESERVE to be mad.

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 143, 9-11-21, 9:54P

An impartial list of events:

██ and ██ fought

It was scary

I hid in my room

Never mind never mind

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 142, 9-11-21, 6:49P

Little mental spiral earlier about the possibility of killing my grandparents

Not intentionally, but by my own stupidity

I don’t want them to die…

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 141, 9-11-21, 10:09A

What if I run away?

What if I run away?

GOD

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 140, 9-10-21, 12:21A

Everything’s alright.

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 139, 9-8-21, 9:41P

I just want to return back to when I was young

I know it’s foolishly optimistic

I don’t want the experience of being young I just want to not have to worry

But I’m a fucking doll and I was crafted a certain way

I don’t want to have to remember that my ██ admitted that I was just one part of █ dollhouse

I can’t trust anybody because they all want to hurt me

I can’t not have others because I don’t exist without them

I don’t care what happened during my youth

At least I didn’t have so much of a perception of life

And death

And chaos

And myself

I’ve lost my identity

Back when I was a kid, my friends actually fought over me

“friends”

They weren’t friends

My current friends are the ones who actually care about me

I was a doll this whole time and I didn’t realize it until the illusion was broken

██ tried to create a perfect being but █ came short

Now █ has a pathetic, mentally ill child who has to be taken care of by their younger sibling

Why can’t you just take care of yourself

Everyone does something except you

█ works

█ does chores

You don’t do anything but complicate life for everyone else

You’re pathetic

You need other people but you’re too self absorbed

Maybe everyone will realize what you really are someday

You’re a doll and you waste other people’s time and money

That’s why you don’t want to exist

If you do exist, you continue to drain everyone around you.

You’re just a doll. Now shut up like one.

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 138, 8-26-21, 8:46A

I don’t want to live in this world anymore.

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 137, 8-23-21, 12:16A

SB is coming back. I don’t want to be him

I don’t want to be him

I’m scared of being him

He’s the only one who’s affected the real world before

He’s kind of suicidal

He wants me to kill myself in front of an audience

I don’t want him please

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 136, 8-21-21, 1:01P

Everyone is ignoring me >:(

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Oh shoot sorry my queue ran out

[diary-of-a-people-pleaser]

Entry 135, 8-19-21, 3:15P

I just wanna cry

But I physically can’t

I wanna feel better!