dhimau06

[dhimau06]

Some truths about my CELE journey.

The last year of my college life was marred by scandals and betrayals that not only affected my relationships with the people around me but also my mental health. Although late na nako narealize nga nagmanifest diay sa akong mind ang chaos and issues nga akong naexperience during 600.

You see, I think of myself as indifferent and apathetic to other people's views and judgements of me. I never cried as a child kay lagi giaway ko or other children tried to bully me. Instead, I always fought back. Kabalo akong mga childhood friends ana. I'm not one to be pushed into a corner and not be expected to retaliate. So when I found out about the things that were said about me and the things that were done to keep me from knowing anything, I didn't cry. I was hurt, yes, but I kept that in. If anything, I was angry and disappointed with my so-called friends. Questions kept running through my mind like, "Paano nila nakaya nga musmile sa akoa while kabalo sila sa mga nahitabo?". I felt so betrayed. But I kept that all in.

I graduated and it should have been the highlight of my college journey but I didn't enjoy it. I went through it just for the sake of it. I was happy, of course, pero nangibabaw akong sadness. I smiled and took pictures and celebrated with my family pero deep inside I had a feeling of hurt. And as it turned out, wala diay nako to naovercome.

When it came to choosing my review center, my only condition was dili ko sa davao ug sa cebu kay I didn't want to be surrounded by the same people I felt betrayed by. I didn't want that distraction for my supposed review. I was ready to self-review and stay at home. Good thing kay 2 of my close friends decided na mag manila sila and when I broached the topic of me going with them to my parents, they agreed. I didn't expect them to agree. And I'm so thankful that they did because I felt like I needed to go far away from all that affair. And so I ended up in Sampaloc, Manila with my 2 friends. I thought it was all behind me and that I had moved on but my pent up feelings instead manifested in the form of depression.

I became depressed and I may have been for a while at that time but didn't realize it. I didn't cry and I didn't isolate myself. Pero kapoy ko permi. I didn't want to get out of bed. As a matter of fact, musulod ko sa lecture sa review pero matulog ra ko. Magtabon pa gani ko sa akong nawong. It was useless going there. Giubanan ra nako si Pere sa klase tapos siya ra gyud ang maminaw. Tapos sa among dorm, maghigda ra ko. Magbinge og tv shows. I didn't study. Akong mga kauban, grabe na ang sinolve sa common area tapos ako nagkabuang og download sa bag-ong episode sa meteor garden. I did that for almost 4 months. I may have joined them in studying from time to time pero dili jud siya substantial. And it showed on the results sa comprehensive exam before ang mock board. I failed in all of the subject clusters. That was my wake up call.

I thought to myself, "Dili ni pwede! My parents and my sisters are spending money para makareview ko diri and mura ra nakog gilabay". I was still depressed but I tried to set that aside and forced myself to try and review. And thank God I did. For the last month of review, ningsabay na ko kang Pere ug Dave sa common area. I solved as many problems as I could. Wala na ko nag expect og dako nga rating basta mupasar lang jud. And I prayed. Every night before I slept. I am so not a religious person but I knew I needed help. And it was worth it. The mock board result was more hopeful for me because I passed but I was still nervous kay feeling nako kulang pa gyud. Maremember nako nga sa second day, padulong na ko sa assigned school nako pero nagsige pa kog memorize og formula sa steel. Nagsakay na kog jeep ato. Luya kaayo after sa exam. I was so nervous for the result. The worst thing about the exam was the waiting kung ningpasar ba ka. Mura jud kog naa sa purgatory.

But guess what? I passed. And I did better than I expected. But I still had that sadness. And 6 years later, unfortunately, I still feel it. Not all the time but it's there. And when it gets triggered, I fall into that same feeling of sadness. And I overcome it but it never goes away.

I don't know unsa akong point ani pero reading the caption I wrote originally, it feels phony and pretentious. They say 'Time heals all Wounds' but they didn't tell me about the scars. How they are ugly and ruin my aesthetics. I'm still bitter about it. 😃

(April 26, 2024)

[dhimau06]

I’ve always said that the world is a different place for the heartbroken. It moves on a different axis, at a different speed. Time skips backwards and forwards fleetingly. The heartbroken might go through thousands of micro-emotions a day trying to figure out how to get through it without picking up the phone to hear that old familiar voice. In the land of heartbreak, moments of strength, independence, and devil-may-care rebellion are intricately woven together with grief, paralyzing vulnerability and hopelessness. Imagining your future might always take you on a detour back to the past. And this is all to say, that the next album I’ll be releasing is my version of Red.

Musically and lyrically, Red resembled a heartbroken person. It was all over the place, a fractured mosaic of feelings that somehow all fit together in the end. Happy, free, confused, lonely, devastated, euphoric, wild, and tortured by memories past. Like trying on pieces of a new life, I went into the studio and experimented with different sounds and collaborators. And I’m not sure if it was pouring my thoughts into this album, hearing thousands of your voices sing the lyrics back to me in passionate solidarity, or if it was simply time, but something was healed along the way.

Sometimes you need to talk it over (over and over and over) for it to ever really be… over. Like your friend who calls you in the middle of the night going on and on about their ex, I just couldn’t stop writing. This will be the first time you hear all 30 songs that were meant to go on Red. And hey, one of them is even ten minutes long.

Red (Taylor’s Version) will be out November 19.

https://taylor.lnk.to/RedTaylorsVersion

[dhimau06]

You cracked the codes and guessed all the From The Vault titles. 👏👏👏

Here’s the full track list, my friends. I’m really honored that Keith Urban is a part of this project, duetting on That’s When and singing harmonies on We Were Happy. I was his opening act during the Fearless album era and his music has inspired me endlessly. I’m counting down the minutes til we can all jump into this brave world together, filled with equal parts nostalgia and brand newness. 

Head first, Fearless 💛

[dhimau06]

The vault door is about to be as unhinged as you’ll think I am after you watch this video. 

Level: Expert

Happy decoding! 

[dhimau06]

😭😭😭😭

You All Over Me (feat. Maren Morris) (From The Vault) and Love Story (Taylor’s Version) - Elvira Remix are out now because in this house we dance and cry at the SAME TIME 💛😭💃

https://Taylor.lnk.to/fearlesstaylorsversion

[dhimau06]

You're 25 now but you were 15 when I fell in love with you. But you didn't know that. And you still don't know it. A decade. It's been 10 years and you still occupy the biggest space in my heart. Oh, how I wish someone else could fill that space already. Someone who would love me back. I am happy that you are happy with the one you love but doesn't it just hurt to know it's not me?

I don't feel like this love is a wasted love, though. I wouldn't choose anyone else to have my heart flutter for for the first time. To have butterflies go crazy on my stomach as you walked towards me when I realized I loved you. To be the first one to have my pupils dilate because you're the apple of my eyes. No, not an apple. The star. Because you shine so bright and even though your dazzling light may blind me, I'd still look at you in wonder, full of love and unblinking.

Happy birthday. ❤

[dhimau06]

It's almost your birthday again. How many birthdays pa kaya nimo ang mulabay before ka mailisan sa akong heart noh? I don't think anyone will ever be able to replace you completely. Not really. You will always have a special place in my heart.

널 영원히 사랑할거야.

[dhimau06]

Well, this feels like a personal attack. 🙃

local tumblr user didn’t have to come at like that!!!!!!

[dhimau06]

don’t feel like you’re running out of time in your 20s

[dhimau06]

My Dentist Is Wise

[dhimau06]

💯💯

This hit deep

[dhimau06]

I don't know why but I suddenly lost the motivation to get through this whole thing. I'm always sleepy. I can't look at the handouts without getting distracted by something else and totally abandoning the problems I am supposed to be solving and focusing on. I'm not even pressured by my friends finishing all the problems so much ahead of me. I'm just tired. I always feel tired these days. 😔😔

[dhimau06]

In 2010, I was 15 and in my 3rd year of high school (we had a different educational system back then). Now, I'm turning 23 and I have just finished my bachelor's degree for engineering and currently reviewing to get my license. @taylorswift has inspired and influenced me in so many things my friends can't comprehend. Ever since I first heard your voice on our radio, I have not stopped listening. And I'll still be listening for so many years to come. 😘

In honor of Taylor singing ‘Never Grow Up’ tonight, I thought it would be fun if we all comment how old we were when Taylor released Speak Now in 2010 and how old we are now to see how we’ve all grown up!

I’ll start!

In 2010 I was 15 years old and a freshman in high school. Now I’m about to turn 23 in less than 2 weeks and I’m finishing up my masters degree!

[dhimau06]

☀️🏝🏊🏻‍♂️

[dhimau06]

Wish I could be the one...

[dhimau06]

Someday...

[dhimau06]

Moving on

I don’t know kung kanus-a ug ngano ni nag-start but I have harbored this feelings for you for so long. I don’t know if this is still a simple crush or if this is something deeper. If so, then this is my first ever heartbreak.

First crush nako ka. First crush. Kabalo ko nga dili mareciprocate akong pagbati para nimo kay straight ka. Ug bayot ko. But I knew that. I have always known that. I’m not naive and ignorant. Pero sakit diay jud no?

Sakit kaayo nga makita ka nga magprofess ug love to another person instead of me even though I knew for a fact that you’ll never do it for me. Kabalo jud ko nga one-sided akong love para nimo. Pero nganong ing-ani kasakit?

It’s probably true that first love never dies. Pero kailangan nako ni undangan nga kabuang. I probably won’t be able to forget nga nagustuhan ta ka one time in my life. I’ve known you for so long, you are a friend of mine (Naisingit ko pa talaga? 😂). Since grade 1 ta ka nakaila. And since high school ta ka nakrassan. Unsaon nako pag-move on huy?

I am happy that someone makes you happy but it breaks my heart to know that it isn’t me.