devhawthcrne

[devhawthcrne]

We were shooting ‘Kiraz Mevsimi’ in Polonezköy and it was snowing. Ayaz ties up a red string and dangles it down from the window to a tree at the hotel they were staying at. Then he climbs the tree and sends a ring to Öykü with the help of the string. Those who have watched knows already what I’m talking about! Because it would be more difficult to climb down every time, I stayed on that tree for 3 whole hours, and I remind you it was snowing. When we were about to shoot, I couldn’t even move my jaw. We ditched half of my lines and because my hands were all red and frozen, we didn’t do any finger close-ups.

[devhawthcrne]

❝ SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11TH, 2021 —   at the wolfhound with @andilozano​.

There were countless other bars around town that would’ve happily drained Dev’s bank account as he drained their bottles of Jack, but perhaps he was too much a creature of habit. Even though he spent nearly every night at the Wolfhound, pouring drinks and wiping spills, he chose to feed his money right back to the place he earned it, too. 

Not that management was complaining.

He’d just answered a nod of greeting from the boss with one of his own when, approaching the bar itself, his eyes landed on an altogether different, but equally familiar face. "S’been awhile since I’ve seen you grace one of these stools, Andi.” And nearly just as long since he’d seen her around, period. 

There was a point when it might’ve been too awkward to claim the seat closest to her, but now Dev did so with half of a smile. "You here alone tonight?”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10TH, 2021 —   at the sweet spot with @verdadurmaz​.

Lights blazing, doors unlocked, tables set— For all intents and purposes the place looked open for business. It wasn’t until he’d stepped inside, focused on a text he’d never send, that Devrim realized his mistake. The renovations might’ve been complete, but Providence Peak’s newest ‘sweet spot’ wasn’t nearly up and running yet.

A long row of very, very empty display cases proved as much.

He still stood there, shocked at his own misstep, when footsteps trailed out from the kitchen. A rush of heat immediately crept up his neck. “Sorry, sorry—” The apology was quick, but as Dev turned from the empty cases to the swinging door both it and his ready smile faltered. Not because he’d been caught where he didn’t belong, which he had, or because the woman was gorgeous, which she was, but because he knew her. Technically they’d never met, but more than once he’d— fuck.

Dev swallowed, for a moment unsure of where to look. “Uh... sorry.” Hadn’t he already said that? “Didn’t mean to, uhm, to intrude. I thought you guys were already open. I must’ve missed a sign on the door.”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ RACHEL HARGROVE —

“New Year’s Eve. You’ve got a holiday birthday. I am making a mental note of it. We should absolutely do something, unless you’re adverse to celebrating your birthday.” Rachel had a conflicting opinion about enjoying her own birthday. Usually she was a fan of it, but it did sting when one felt lonely. Thankfully this past year Charlie had hung out with her a bit. It was odd though considering she was pretty sure he had left a present for her on her doorstep that day, an antique copy of Little Women, one of her favorite books. She brushed the thoughts away though as she could tell how Dev squirmed away from the second question, she just laughed a bit. 

She frowned a bit more though when he came to the realization that she didn’t want to be with him. Or maybe it was just the fact that she didn’t know how to be with him? If it was confusing to Rachel, she couldn’t imagine just how hard the feelings were for the man in front of her. She could see the exhaustion in his features and she wished there was some way she could take it away for him. 

“I think…I think the longer that the time goes either the yearning fades out or it builds stronger. And sometimes the idea of leading up to talking to someone is far scarier than the actual talk. Because you’ve built up all the worst case scenarios. And y’know I mean I wouldn’t say that the talks always are productive, but are you ever going to be ready?” Rachel certainly knew that she hadn’t been ready and she had been rejected more than once in the span of few months she had been here. 

Rachel smiled understandingly over at him as she saw him trying to relax himself. Her hand reached out to rub his arm in hopeful comfort. Although she was happy to change the subject to something lighter, her week had been anything but light. “I am seeing my OBGYN in a couple days?” She knew that had nothing to do with the question though.

—

To that, Dev merely grunted acknowledgement. Growing up he never had much of an opinion on his birthday or where it fell on the calendar, but now— well, now he supposed perhaps it was a good thing his special day coincided with New Years. It let him kill two birds with one stone, eliminating the need to go through feeling so lonely and miserable twice. 

Of course, he grappled with that reality almost constantly, but Maddie’s absence was always more prominent when Dev had to face down another year gone without her.

“I haven’t really celebrated my birthday for awhile now,” since the last one spent alongside his wife, to be precise, “but I’m not... opposed to it. Just haven’t really seen a reason to go all out when it’s just me and Kev at home, I guess.” His parents tried, inviting him to their place every year, but he never accepted the offer. Given how close they now lived to the house he once shared with Maddie, the one in Summit Lake he now rented out, Dev couldn’t bring himself to go.

He avoided that neighborhood almost as well as Maddie avoided him.

And on that front, Rach probably had a point. The longer they went without speaking, the more his thoughts took a turn for the worse. It didn’t lessen his longing for her, but it did drive home the fact that no part of Maddie missed him or wanted him back. “I doubt it. If I’m not prepared to hear her say the words I’ve already expect after all these years, I doubt I ever will be.” But admitting that and accepting the fact that he needed to just rip off the band-aid were two entirely different things.

Dev swallowed, hands still gripped tight around his mug, and tried to shake off the ever-present weight crushing his chest. It wasn’t too hard when the conversation swung away from him and onto Rachel, though. Months ago, such a statement might’ve felt awkward or out of place, but by now they’d fallen into such a close friendship that he didn’t blink at such a personal comment. 

Gone still, he studied her from across the table. It sounded innocent enough, but— “Just a general check up, or..." was the appointment more serious than a yearly exam?

[devhawthcrne]

❝ BENJI SCOTT —

Benji hadn’t suspected anything. Sure, the man looked familiar but he didn’t think much more about him than that. Maybe that he was conventionally attractive as he noticed a few individuals pass by and do a double take in their direction. But nothing more. 

It wasn’t as if he’d zoomed in and analyzed the picture of his girlfriend’s ex-husband when she’d first shown him. At the time, Benji was nothing more than a travelling partner, who sometimes, also kept her warm in the same bed. 

Now that they were together, the ex was kind of the last thing on his mind. 

As for this man, he was nothing other than a kind samaritan willing to lend a helping hand because Benji would likely still be in this damn grocery store come closing time with no idea where they kept their fish sauce. 

His large form took most of the aisle to turn around along with his cart, apologizing to an elder lady he’d cut off mid-turn. He followed the man and kept his eyes open for anything he could grab from the shelves that was on his list. Anything he saw was either obscured by a cart or a person. 

He hated groceries. Maybe he’d look into the option where he got them delivered or waited in his car while some teenage kid placed them in his trunk. 

“I feel you, man. I think I just put this off until the last possible moment. I only have condiments in my fridge and when those were starting to turn green, I called defeat and dragged my ass here.” It was a jumbled mess of cans and labels. He never knew which were the right ones to pick with so many different options. 

Benji’s gaze met the male’s as he smiled and then turned to the aisles. He hadn’t exactly been prepared for the gut punch that came with the realization of who he was speaking to…. His body stiffened some and he regarded him once more. What he wasn’t sure about was how much her ex-husband knew. It wasn’t like they’d made anything official. The last few pictures of them online had been from months ago, scattered alongside other travelling buddies. 

However, he felt like he already knew the answer when he looked back at the man. He knew enough. Or he’d play it safe and assume he did. “So… maybe I should just ask one of those kids hanging around.” The ones who worked here. 

An alternative option to save them both the awkwardness.

—

Well, Devrim wanted an answer. With the way Benji locked up upon hearing his name, he got one.

Whatever relief he thought he'd find in knowing he wasn’t wholly insignificant to Maddie never came, though. If anything, the realization that she could talk about him but not talk to him only shoved the knife another inch. 

Figurative as it might’ve been, Dev felt it cleave through his chest, reopening a wound not even remotely healed. Each thundering pump of his heart brought with it a new thought, and each new thought gripped the handle to give a brutal twist.

This man knew Maddie well enough to know her story. To know his name. Whoever Benji was, however he fit into the puzzle... he might even know more about why she left their marriage than Dev did.

It’s wasn’t a comfortable theory to contend with.

A large hand fit to his mouth and scrubbed, callouses catching against an unshaven jawline as an unsteady breath fell from his nose. Fuck.  

He wanted to hate Benji. Truly. Even without proof of how he fit into Maddie’s life he wanted to hate him, regardless. Friends or more, he still got the one thing Dev wanted most and was robbed of. He still got to exist in a world with Maddie, while Dev was left with little more than total silence and a useless house - too haunted by the ghost of her memory and whatever belongings she couldn’t fit into a suitcase for him to even live in.

Added to the fact that his general height and build matched up sickeningly well with the massive men’s hoodie he’d last seen his wife traipsing around town in? Yeah— that didn’t help Dev want to hate him any less.

So he should’ve agreed. Now that they’d acknowledged the elephant in the aisle between them, no matter how vaguely, he should’ve left without another word and hightailed it the fuck home. That hand journeyed north to the crown of his head and raked thick fingers through his hair, instead.

Dev wanted to hate Benji - to lash out and hopefully absolve himself of the bitter, burning rage that swept through his veins - but he couldn’t. Yet again he was struck by that little voice in the back of his head that insisted nothing about the last six years was his fault. 

He’d kept his stare locked steady on Benji’s face throughout the entirety of his internal battle, but now dark hues deflected back to the stretch of shelves. One, two, three— they skimmed along each unit until, still silent, Dev crossed the short distance and swept the prize into his palm. The bottle bounced a few times in his grip before he muttered, “Fish sauce. Aisle ten.”

And with that, Dev handed it over - not so much an olive branch as it was a reluctant act of decency between men. 

There were a thousand things he wanted to say, and plenty more he wanted to ask, but with great resolve he swallowed them all. Hands latched to the handle of his cart with an iron grip, he just turned toward checkout. “Good luck with the rest of your list.”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ BENJI SCOTT —

Benji knew of Maddie’s husband. Listened to whatever she wanted to divulge about her past and one — if not the main — reason as to why she had chosen not to date. Never had she judged her for it but he’d only heard one side of the story. If he understood anything, it was a need to escape and be free so he’d offered that to the best of his ability and ensured that the door was left open. 

Not for her to return but as to let her know that she could go if she wanted to. Never had he looked for the man who’d had her heart first. He didn’t need to because they’d been friends up until a few days ago. Her husband was but a man in her life and while the same was true now, Benji hoped that he would be her last. 

It explained why his smile was easy and his shoulders was relaxed. If he’d known that he’d rammed into her ex-husband, perhaps he would have been a little more apprehensive. Certainly more self-conscious given the other’s good looks. 

A beat came and went, and Benji wasn’t sure if he’d been heard or was being ignored. His grip returned on his cart to push forward until the words pulled his attention. “I can always go ask a store worker. I think I’ve seen someone a few aisles down.” He hadn’t… and he knew he hadn’t because he’d search for them. They seemed to be all at the cash or in the fruit section which was not where his problem laid. 

“You sure? I don’t want to be a bother. I tend to want to get out of here as soon as possible.” He didn’t do well in close spaces and even though these aisles were meant to accommodate a few people, he still felt claustrophobic. “I appreciate it though.” 

“I’m Benji, by the way.” It was only right to introduce himself if someone was going out of their way for him. “I don’t know why I come here during the middle of the day. It’s always busy.”

—

And there it was— the perfect opportunity to get the fuck out of a situation that couldn’t possibly head anywhere good. Dev wasn’t the right guy to be giving assistance right now for more reasons than one. So passing the torch to an employee, someone much better equipped in every which way, to help find the god damn fish sauce? 

It was understandable. It made sense.

So why the hell did he let the chance slip through his grasp with a halfway shake of his head? What new insanity drove him to shoot another glance at the behemoth of a man next to him and insist, “It’s fine. I should probably pick up a few things that way myself.”

It was complete bullshit. Dev didn’t have a damn thing on his list that would be found among the shelves of Asian staples. For crying out loud, he didn’t have anything left on his list period.

Still, he carefully steered his cart around a young mother wrestling a box of Cap’n Crunch out of her toddler’s crushing grasp, and diverted his attention back to the groceries stocked along the aisle. By that point, he couldn’t even blame common decency for his actions. 

No— some twisted, masochistic part of him just wanted more time to feel the guy out while his head and his heart battled over who he might be to Maddie. Without meaning to - and certainly without any reason to, all things considered - he’d fallen straight into ‘threat assessment’. 

“I work most evenings and weekends,” Dev shared in an absent, offhanded sort of way while they turned down a new aisle in tandem. “Don’t really have much of a choice but to come now. Not if I wanna eat, at least.” His eyes continued to scan the shelves and altogether avoid the other man’s face... until they didn’t.

An official introduction was made and, with measured slowness, his stare shifted to meet Benji’s gaze. Some small part of him wanted to admit he already knew who he was. It wanted to hurl a few unconfirmed accusations in the process. A larger, worrisomely more reckless part of him just wanted to throw the punch his knuckles craved that night of the bonfire and be done with it all. 

Because, really, how else was someone supposed to greet the man possibly, probably sleeping with their runaway wife?

By biting their tongue, clenching fists around their cart, instead, and reminding themselves that they didn’t actually know anything, apparently. And then he took it a step further with a steadying breath and reminded himself that, even if it were true, there wasn’t a damn thing he could actually do about it. Not after the way Maddie left him not once, but twice.

A rough swallow bobbed in his throat. He couldn’t force himself to say it was nice to meet him, because it’d be a lie, but he did acknowledge Benji’s act of courtesy with a short nod. “Devrim.” And then? He waited - curious to discover if the name sparked even the tiniest recognition. Had she mentioned him at all, or had Maddie well and truly erased every last bit of him from her story the day she disappeared?

[devhawthcrne]

❝ RACHEL HARGROVE —

Rachel laughed a bit more as he was close to spitting out coffee. Raising her brows at his comment she spoke, “Okay first off, I need to know the exact date of your birthday this instant. And second I need to know who is in your dream threesome.” She realized this was a bizarre conversation to be having at a coffee shop, but it was certainly turned sour in moments when the subject turned to his wife. 

She couldn’t imagine the fact that this woman had been here for months and not said anything or they hadn’t even ran into one another. When he said the words about how it went, Rachel knew exactly what Dev meant as she reached her hand out to his. She remembered when she first got here the reaction that Charlie had when he first saw her. “I’m so sorry Dev. That must’ve stung more than a little.”

Letting out a small sigh of empathy, she couldn’t imagine six years passing between seeing someone you loved. She had only been away from Charlie for a year and that had felt like a century. Her eyes scanned over his face as she shook her head at his questions, they almost felt rhetorical. “If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready and although there’s a possibility that you might see her around, I mean…hell I’ll go with you for backup if you need to go out of your house.” Rachel said in a mostly teasing tone, but if he needed it, then she wouldn’t mind the company at all. “You’re not stupid though, you care a lot about her still, and her actions have made it abundantly clear that she has taken that for granted. You don’t want the because you don’t want closure, you want for her to be your wife again. So of course it scares you that might not be what she wants in return.” She knew for her that the closure that Charlie did not want her romantically any longer had already come and gone, yet she still didn’t feel like it had been closure enough for her.

—

“December thirty-first.” Devrim replied after a beat, but he’d notably ignored part two of Rachel’s inquisition. By the subtle amusement curving his lips, that was an intentional oversight, too. If one thing had become abundantly clear over the last six years it was that he couldn’t even keep one partner happy, so he wasn’t about to make a fool of himself by declaring even the most temporary intentions for two. 

Pleading the fifth on all things ‘dream threesome’, Dev hid that brief appearance of a smirk behind the rim of his mug, then shook his head as he swallowed. 

“It’s not even a question of ‘might’ or ‘might not’, though.” Wasn’t Maddie’s silence an answer in and of itself? The fact that she never once tried to reach out to him, the fact that she left in the first place, said it all. Understanding that and actually confronting it were two entirely different beasts, though. 

A hand scrubbed over Dev’s face. He stalled, granting himself a moment’s reprieve, with another sip of steadily cooling coffee. “I could argue still caring about someone this much when they couldn’t care enough to pick up the phone is, by definition, stupid— but, really, it’s not even that.” Loving Maddie despite every reason not to wasn’t the problem eating away at him inside. 

“I just don’t think I’m ready to finally hear all the reasons why the woman I thought I’d spend my life with thought I was wrong. Even if the truth is the least of what I deserve.”

Bitter heartbreak seeped through every syllable, leeching out until his knuckles went white around the ceramic cup in his hands. One steady breath, then two, escaped before Dev found the composure needed to not lose it in the middle of Deja Brew. “I don’t even—” He didn’t want to dwell on his situation longer than necessary. “How’s your week been?”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ BETH DRYDEN —

Offering the man next to her a quick smile in apology for disturbing his order, Beth quickly turned her attention back to her former brother in law. Watching him work for a second, the blonde simply shook her head. “You know you’re always welcome, Dev. I wouldn’t do that to either you or Ellie, she’s always bugging me about next time she gets to see her Uncle Dev. Nothing has changed.” It was something she genuinely, hand on heart, meant. Even though the visits hadn’t happened as often as they used to since Maddie had returned, there was no single part of Beth that wanted to see Dev less, or have him less in Ellie’s life. To her, he was still her brother.

Wrapping her arms around him in response to his bear hug, Beth smiled as she looked up at him. “I should’ve dropped by sooner, I know, if I’d known this was where you worked then I definitely would’ve come up to the bar before now.” Patting his chest as she back up from the hug, she looked up at him. “You look tired, you doing alright?” She couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind now that Maddie was back, but it was definitely she worried about.

Hopping up onto the nearest bar stool, the blonde smiled warmly, as she always did at any vague mention of her daughter. “She’s doing good, making me regret raising her to be a mini me as always. She just had a ballet recital a few days ago and I’m pretty sure my dad cried at one point.” Reaching for her phone, Beth shrugged a shoulder. “I’m fine, everything is a bit weird after Halloween, you know? But nothing to complain about, usual old me.” Finding the photo of Ellie at her recital, she handed the phone to Dev. “How are you doing? Really?”

—

Nothing has changed? Dev arched a brow at that and wordlessly fixed Beth with a stare. Everything had changed. Six years ago he had family and a home and a wife. Six years ago, he actually recognized the man looking back at him in the mirror. All of that disappeared the moment Maddie abandoned their marriage and now, with her being back, whatever sham of a life he’d cobbled together in her absence was about to change again. 

They both knew it. They both understood, on some level, that it’d never be like it used to and couldn’t possibly stay as it’d been.

Beth was trying, though. No matter the reality of this mess, she always included him. Dev loved her for it - even if sometimes he wondered whether they’d all be better off if he just faded out of the Dryden’s lives. 

Probably. 

But even though common sense told him to cut the ties that bound them first, lest he be the one cast aside again, Dev couldn’t do it. Especially not where Ellie was concerned. “Sorry I missed it.” A flicker of genuine remorse crossed his face. He didn’t hold the lack of work shift visits against Beth, but he wanted to kick himself for letting her little girl - his niece - down. Maybe she didn’t even miss him in the crowd, but the fact that he’d given her reason to didn’t sit right.

“But I’m— yeah, I’m fine.” 

Not even close, but he refused to drag Beth into the middle. “I don’t want you worrying about me or my shit, okay? It is what it is.” For effect, he pressed on half of a smile. “Really. I’m good. I’m fine.”

And with that instance out of the way, he took the phone from her hands. Dark eyes scanned Ellie’s picture on the screen, prompting Dev to shake his head. Truly, he felt like an ass for not being there in person. “What’s she asking for on her Christmas list this year?” His shamed gaze lifted from the image to Beth’s face. “I’m gonna have to make up for missing her recital somehow.”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ BENJI SCOTT —

with @devhawthcrne​ at the grocery store. 

Benji was hoping to test out a recipe he wanted to make for Maddie. It was one that had come highly recommended from a friend but the list of ingredients weren’t any he’d ever cooked with. It all seemed pretty straight forward apart from the fact that his oven was the bane of his existence. The neglected kitchen item hated him and either cooked everything too much or too little. This was a trial run. He’d cook it on his own until he perfected it and then serve it to her. 

His first mistake was to shop on the weekend which made the already cramped aisles already hard to navigate with his cart. Almost impossible when he had to stop every two seconds to make sure he hadn’t passed the items he was looking for; despite not knowing what they even looked like. 

“Fish sauce.” He muttered to himself, apologizing to a woman who was trying to get by as he stopped in the middle of the aisle. Pushing forward, he felt his cart hit another. “Sorry, man.” Benji lifted his hand in addition to the apologetic smile. “By any chance, would you know where the fish sauce is?”

—

Milk, eggs, fresh mint, cumin, basmati rice— Dev’s attention was so fixed to the list on his phone he never even saw the second cart coming. Perhaps if he’d looked up just once - if he’d taken a single second to actually make note of the other bodies crammed into aisle five like a tin of sardines - he not only could’ve avoided the collision, but what came next altogether.

Because it wasn’t the jarring clang of metal on metal that stopped him in place, or the spice bottle that slipped from his hands and rolled beneath the shelves. It was the man on the other end of things - the face he barely knew yet would never be able to forget. That jaw, those eyes — they’d been seared into his brain for months now.

Maddie’s peal of laughter, so instantly recognizable that it drew Devrim’s eyes across the bonfire. The way his wife ran, leapt, and settled into unfamiliar arms. Arms that undoubtedly were not his.

A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw, an unbidden but unavoidable reaction to this unwelcome face to face. The worst part was that every tense inch of Devrim suspected this man - Benji something or other, he thought he’d heard around town - probably didn’t even know who he’d just propositioned for help. 

Logic and reason circled the drain of his thoughts, battling for dominance against the onslaught of bitter resentment that held steady at the forefront. Maybe he was a distant cousin Maddie never mentioned. Maybe he was just a friend. Maybe, just maybe, Dev didn’t have the patience or the mental capacity to keep blinding himself to the obvious. Nobody clung that hard to a friend.

The silence in lieu of his total lack of response trickled on. Somehow, Devrim managed to snap the hell out of it with a nod. “Uh, yeah. Yeah.” Fish sauce, wasn’t that what he was after? An innocent enough request for the worst possible recipient. “Think it’s somewhere—” Fuck if he could think straight enough to remember now. If he were a lesser man, Dev would’ve gave up, left him to fend for himself, and walked off without a shred of remorse or explanation. 

Pity he still had an ounce of decency and common sense. Whatever his issues with Maddie, they weren’t his fault. With a resigned sigh, he gestured forth with a tip of his head. “Here, you wanna just follow me? I know I’ve seen it around here somewhere...”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ RACHEL HARGROVE —

A giggle fell from her lips when he mentioned their dogs. She really couldn’t remember the last time that noise had left her lips, but the bond that their dogs had made was just something she couldn’t help but find so endearing. She was thankful for the coffee and food, even though her stomach was telling her not right now. Taking a sip as he explained his perspective on life, she raised her brows. “Sound like you had a threesome with gloom and doom this morning, huh?” Rachel teased in return, when he explained what the real problem was though; she paused for a moment. Placing her cup down as she gave him her full attention. “Wow, for awhile?” Rachel felt sad for him even though what she had done was something similar to what his wife had done. “So how did seeing her go?” She asked gently, hoping that for his sake there was some sort of progress forward. 

—

“Yeah—” A quick snort sent ripples across the surface of his coffee, the mug suspended just shy of reaching Dev’s lips. “Not quite the one I requested for my birthday next month, but I guess I wasn’t specific enough on my wish list.” Lesson learned. The amusement in his eyes never stood a chance at surviving, though, and soon enough every last bit drained from Devrim’s face. It always went that way when talk of Maddie came to the forefront.

He nodded, staring into the depths of that drink he still hadn’t taken yet. “Yeah, for at least a few months I think.” The timeline and finer details were a bit hazy, but she’d been home in time for the bonfire. He knew at least that much. Piping hot coffee seared Devrim’s throat, offering an light reprieve from the ceaseless burning in his chest. “About as well as you’d think it’d go.” He’d stood there, speechless and staring. It took a herculean amount of effort to even speak her name. 

“I think— I mean, I’m pretty sure she was wearing some other man’s clothes.” An oversized hoodie five sizes too big for her frame... what else could he make of it? His free hand lifted from it’s balled up position on the table and scrubbed over his jawline. “I’ve been waiting six fucking years to see her again, Rach, but I don’t— I don’t know that I’m actually ready to do this.” Because if there was one thing made perfectly clear: his wife hadn’t come home for him. 

“That makes me the stupidest son of a bitch on the planet, right? That I’d rather be left waiting than hammer in the final nail?”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ ASLIHAN FAHRI-BAILEY —

I never left. Her mouth grew dry and a lump formed in her throat. “I-… Oh…” God, how had she not known he’d been here all this time? How has she lived here for over a year yet failed to realized the man was still residing in Providence Peak? At one point in time, he’d been the closest thing she had to a brother-in-law. Maddie has been her sister for so long, it wasn’t hard to welcome Dev in and think of him as family from the moment she met him. After learning about the divorce, she’d been so shocked. The brunette could’ve sworn that they were happy together, that they would’ve made it in the long run. Yet that soon proved to not be the case. It was unfortunate and for so long, she had hoped that Maddie would find her way back to him. Discover herself more, realize that she loves the person she’s become, but also potentially realize she still loves Dev. That she wants Dev to join her on her adventures.

Aslihan had hoped that that was going to happen. But with Benji in her life and the photographer being such a remarkable man, the young woman found herself rooting for Maddie and her ‘husband’ (at least, in four different countries). So to see her sister’s ex standing in front of her for the first time in years, she felt torn. Has Devrim moved on from Maddie? If so, maybe that would make it all better. “I didn’t know,” she started. Glancing back at him, she felt guilty for not knowing and raised her shoulders. “I promise had I known sooner, I would’ve come see you sooner. You were my brother for the longest time; I still consider you as such.” Which was true: she never stopped viewing him as such.

And the longer he stood in front of her, the more she started to recognize the pain he was still in. And god, all she wanted to do was pull him in and hug him. She knew that it wouldn’t get rid of the heartbreak he was clearly experiencing still, but it might’ve helped in some form or way. A sort of understanding, perhaps. Yet she doubted he would’ve accepted that from a girl who has been his ex-wife’s basically baby sister for almost three decades.

The longer they stood there together, the more she listened to him talk, the more she found herself being filled up with guilt and just wanting to do anything to help the man before her. How and in what way, she didn’t know. Nevertheless, she wanted to help him. Somehow, someway. She nodded and wondered why the blonde hadn’t mentioned the encounter to her. She wondered if Kat knew or if Julia or even Kennedy knew. God, did Benji know? Then again, it was entirely plausible that Maddie might’ve ran away and was hiding in Timbuktu or Cape Town or Rio right now. Hiding away from her problems, which made sense. Yet either way, Asli knew that she was going to text Maddie as soon as possible to check up on her.

He had a point, which she couldn’t admit out loud: he didn’t make it hard for Maddie to find him. Especially if he’s continued being here all this time. She nodded quietly and tried to figure out the best words right now. “I am really happy to see you.” And she meant it. She has missed the man over the past few years. And god, she regretted not contacting him sooner. Around the time of the divorce, she’d been preparing things for her excavation in Egypt. She told herself multiple times that she would contact him at some point before she left London for Cairo. Then she got distracted, then she discovered she was pregnant with Alex, then she became busy becoming a mother to her little girl. Yet still, she should’ve found a way to stay in touch with him. That was on her.

“Thank you, Dev. We think we’re having a little girl. We’ve been calling her Theo.” She smiled as her hand moved to touch her bump. A gentle cradle that filled her with so much happy. “You should come over sometime,” she offered, giving him a gentle smile. If you don’t already know each other, Ray would be happy to meet you. And Alex needs to meet her Uncle Dev.” It couldn’t right everything, but it could be a start. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I should’ve stayed in touch with you all the years, but I didn’t. I want to try to make it right, though. I still care about you. That’s never changed.”

—

“Asli, Asli— it’s fine.” The last thing Dev wanted was for her to stand there feeling guilty about a situation that was wholly out of her control. Perhaps they did see each other some sort of family all those years ago but, first and foremost, she was still Maddie’s best friend. He never expected her, or anyone else for that matter, to stick around after the dust of their ‘divorce’ settled. 

Not that they’d actually gotten a divorce. Or that anybody probably realized that fact but him.

Either way, Dev didn’t hold any resentment for the distance between them. How could he, when he’d made a conscious effort to push every last person in his life away? He knew they’d all fade out eventually - felt the certainty of that all the way to his fucking bones. It wasn’t their fault, though. His mistake was letting his life get so deeply entangled with Maddie’s that nothing remained separate by the end of it all. Her family became his family, her friends his friends. 

Perhaps that’s why Dev chose to be the one to hole up in his new loft cut ties? It was easier to be the one drawing a line in the sand than the one left. Again. One way or another everyone left. Like Maddie. Like his dad. Wasn’t it better to at least have the remaining departures stem from his own two hands? 

At the end of the day, he played just as much of a part in their estrangement as Asli did. He could’ve reached out and kept in touch, too.

“You really don’t have to worry about it, or worry about me. I’ve been fine.” But something about the way he kept insisting as much, about the repetitive use of that word: fine, spoke like a lie. Dev wished he could’ve handled his wife’s total ghosting with a measure of stoic strength, but it’d broken him. He still those shattered pieces rattling around his chest to that very day. Admitting it, though— never gonna happen. 

His mouth pulled for another smile as they each took a step closer to the front of the line. “It is good to see you, though. I’m glad you’ve been doing alright.” She was out there living they life he’d always wanted, and Devrim could stay jealous of that fact, but he’d much rather just be happy for Asli. Happy for Ray, even if he’d yet to ever meet the man. “My number hasn’t changed, if you still have it saved somewhere. Just... let me know a good day, yeah?” 

He’d pick up that gift, perhaps something special for Alex, too. “And if you guys need help... I don’t know, setting up the nursery for Theo or something, I can help out with that, too.” Since Maddie left he’d kept himself busy with any and every distraction possible. Knitting, boxing, woodworking— “You guys already get a crib?”

[devhawthcrne]

SERKAN ÇAYOĞLU YENI HAYAT | 7. BÖLÜM

[devhawthcrne]

ft. @maddiehawthxrne​

“I hate metaphors. You left. You didn’t fall from a tree, Or exit the station. You didn’t separate or disintegrate. You left. I can’t write about you light-heartedly anymore with rhymes and beautiful words because it’s not romantic. You are not here. That’s the tale. You left without saying goodbye. My heart didn’t crumble, it broke. Quite literally too. You left. It’s not a metaphor.”

— I hate metaphors. (via musinginsp)

[devhawthcrne]

❝ BETH DRYDEN —

Location: A bar, Downtown Starter for: @devhawthcrne​

Beth hadn’t known days like the last few in Providence Peak. The horror from the night had slightly subsided and now there seemed a general sense of shock, grief and a desire to push forward. Or that’s how Beth perceived it anyway. Sitting with some of her old colleagues on a much more subdued night out than they were used to, the blonde was struck with a simple desire to just go home. For Beth, the horror of Halloween had made her want to spend more time with the people she loved, mainly her daughter, for fear of never knowing what was around the corner.

Sitting with her drink, Beth looked up as another round was offered. She shook her head as she took a sip of wine, her eyes glancing around the bar. It was quiet enough, but the group was big enough that she could slip away. It was only then that her eyes caught onto just who was behind the bar. Swallowing her sip, Beth finished her wine and stood up. Slowly walking up to the bar, she placed her empty glass on the bar as she stood in front of her former, but also not former, brother in law. “So does my last name mean I’m barred or do I still get a hug to say ‘hello’?”

—

“Guess that depends.” Devrim’s eyes flicked up from the bottle of liquor in his hand, acknowledging Beth while he poured a measure of whiskey with blind focus. Bartending was a far cry from the corporate nine to five he once lived alongside her family, but after four years on the job he could go through the motions in his sleep. “Do I still get to come over, have lunch, and be Uncle Dev on the weekends? Or has my Ellie privilege been revoked now that Maddie’s home?”

It was genuinely a question - no, a fear - that’d plagued him ever since learning of her sister’s return, but there was nothing serious in the crooked slant of his lips. 

That conversation was one they could save for another day, another time. What remained of his savings aside, Dev couldn’t afford to lose his shit if Beth hesitated and subsequently lose his job. Instead, he passed off the drink to its waiting recipient, then braced a palm against the scarred bar and hopped straight over the top. The hug that came next absolved her of needing to answer at all. “You’re a sight for sore eyes, Beth.” 

Although he wished it were different - that his life was different - he didn’t see her or any of the Dryden's nearly enough these days. Dev was never quite sure when his welcome would run out. When they’d stop letting him pretend he still fit somewhere within their family. “How’s my girl, doing?” Ellie, of course. And then, as he pulled back —  “How are you?”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ JULIA CARLYLE —

Finishing up at the elementary school, hanging up the kindergartners hand made turkeys in her classroom, she finally felt satisfied with the arrangement to leave. Were they the most beautiful turkeys she had ever seen? Absolutely not, but each tiny kid put their heart and soul into the project - and yes, one of them had managed to find the glitter and put enough of the sparkly substance with glue that she had to wait days��for it to dry. Alas, Julia found herself pleased with the handy work of the children and she headed out of the building. 

As she moved toward the parking lot, she felt her keys slip from hand and onto the asphalt. “Goddamnit,” she muttered to herself as she bent down to grab them. Upon standing up, she turned at the sound of her own name. “Dev,” she flicked her lips with her tongue. Despite the end of his marriage to Maddie, a long while ago, she had rarely run into the man since her return to town three years ago. Not that he had done anything particularly wrong but she had always been Maddie’s friend first. “Oh, uh, yeah, definitely.” She tucked her hair behind her ear with her free hand. “Just getting the room set up for the holidays. The kids made their hand turkeys this week.” 

—

Standing there opposite Julia, Dev was instantly reminded of why he rarely made a habit of venturing into town. It wasn’t so much what she said as it was her entire body language. Despite the way he’d all but shut out the world these last six years he still had eyes. He was still observant. The way her tongue nervously swept her lip, the way she fussed with her hair— he couldn’t help but assume Julia wanted to be anywhere but there.

Not that he could blame her, nor did he hold it against her.

When Maddie left battle lines were drawn; she kept her friends, Devrim his. He’d never resent Julia for her loyalties - even if it did make for awkward conversations now and again. “it’s hard to believe we’re already into November.” Harder still to believe that’s the best he could come up with. Now it was his turn to shift in place, one hand lifting to scrub at the back of his neck while his brain scrambled for something else to say. 

“I was just— I was just dropping off some stuff in the office for Richard. The hospital’s hosting a free clinic again in December.” Silence settled between them to rein supreme again. Another shift of boots on pavement, another scratch at the nape of his neck. “How, uh, how’ve you been?”

[devhawthcrne]

❝ ASLIHAN FAHRI-BAILEY —

“D-Dev?” God, how long has it been since she saw Devrim? Seeing his face for the first time in so long made her realize that it’s been awhile. While they’ve never been close, she had been friendly with him. She wasn’t even sure if he ever even knew about Alex or not. Maddie had separated from him sometime before Aslihan found out she was pregnant. If he’s been in Providence Peak again long enough to have heard of her or not at some point. Her oldest was currently at a playdate with Mars at the Zhao-Chopra residence, so she was unable to introduce them to each other. God… He was suppose to be her Uncle Devrim. That shook her to her core for a moment there.

“I-… Y-Yeah, um.” Laughing, she glanced down at her bump. It was so big now, despite being nearly fourteen weeks. One hand had been cradling the underside of her bump while the other held the small basket filled with treats. “It was quite a big surprise to all of us, but my boyfriend and I are excited. We’ve got a lot plans instore for her and us.” Potentially moving into a bigger place, getting the nursery ready, possibly talking about getting married in the future (which, she still needs to discuss with Ray): there was so much her and Ray wanted to do involving their growing family. A whole life she was excited for. “May 16th is the plan so far. Which, admittedly, works perfectly for us.” School would be getting ready to end around that time for summer. She wasn’t going to be teaching any summer classes for the university so that she could instead focus on Theo. “How long have you been in town? Does… Does Maddie know you’re here?”

—

It was wrong - feeling jealous of two peoples’ happiness - but a pang of envy shot through Devrim’s chest all the same. By now he thought he’d have at least one child. Maybe two. He thought he’d still have a wife to kiss good morning, to hold throughout the night. He thought he’d have a wife period, at least in more than just name. Instead, Maddie’s ghost followed him everywhere; it stood between them now. In all honesty, there was a small part of Dev that was shocked Asli even bothered with the small talk, given where her loyalties lay. 

It’s not like they’d maintained any semblance of friendship once the tie that bound them made it halfway around the globe. Her halting question all but proved as much.

Some emotion flashed across Devrim’s face, there and gone again in an instant. An impression of it lingered between his brows, though, drawing them together in two slashes of midnight that placed a furrow at the bridge nose. “I, uh— I never left, Asli.” At times he’d wanted to. At times he still thought he probably should’ve. But after that first year wasted, sitting and waiting for Maddie to remember him - to come back home, any shred of effort or motivation fled him as easily as she did. 

That’s what happened when you were abandoned and utterly forgotten.  Sometimes, you started forgetting yourself. 

It’d been six years, and Dev was still trying to rediscover who he was beyond the bitter, empty shell of a man he’d become in Maddie’s absence. He had to wonder: did Asli see it? Did she see all the wreckage and ruin and rot of him? Or was he the only one who could sense it festering beneath his skin? 

Dev swallowed, but the attempt lodged halfway down his throat. “I have seen her, though. Once.” Technically twice, but he didn’t quite count the night of the bonfire when he’d watched Maddie run, jump, and wrap herself around another man like she’d been waiting for his arms her entire life. She’d been oblivious to him sat on the other side of the roaring flames, which, given the last six years, tracked. When he saw her at the coffee shop the other day part of him expected her to have forgotten his name. Much like she’d forgotten his number. “But she’s always known how to find me if she wanted to. It’s not like I made it hard.” 

He just stopped engaging with the world around him, preferring solitude to the pity glances and sympathetic stares shot his way.

“You look well, though.” He managed a smile, for Asli’s sake. None of his issues with Maddie were her fault, nor did he want to keep circling the elephant in the room. “Motherhood suits you. Have you found out what you’re having yet?” Mentally, he made a note to some day sort out a gift. 

[devhawthcrne]

text 💬 maddie.

MADDIE: yeah, they're all good. they're all together at mom and dad's and safe, you know that place is like fort knox

MADDIE: how about your family? they're all safe?

[ ... ]

MADDIE: please stay inside, i don't want anything to happen to you or kev

[ unsent ]

DEVRIM: [ READ AT 12:37AM ]