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Just wanna love myself first before I love someone else again.
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Today I feel relieved and miserable. Finally I had the conversation of how our relationship would end or continue on until he left for Seattle. I was really really nervous driving and when I finally met with him, I was most certain that this would be the talk to end our relationship. Sadly, I did not want to but I knew it was the best for both of us if we just ended it now then to be stressed and consciously think of what the other expects. Everything that bothered me every question was answered in the conversation, but I also understood that I can't just say I want a certain thing and then want the complete opposite. I care about him so much and I wouldn't know but he already knew that. The conversation ended with lots of crying for me. As we hugged and kissed for the final time I could hear his heartbeat pounding so fast I knew he was nervous and scared. Just thinking that this could be the last time I would see him but it wasn't. A part of me feels like I failed for not trying to work this out but I knew that the timing was wrong. This man has taught me a lot and I thank him for that. He gave me everything that I wanted and I didn't expect more from him. I will always remember the times we had but I am mostly so glad that we can remain friends.
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Today's the day!!!! I'm ready to pour out all of my emotions.
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Currently thinking a hundred ways of calling it quits because I'm stressed out.
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I am always the last to here about the details. Even though I don't want to hear any of the details of him moving because it makes me sad, I am still curious of the details. Does that makes sense? I love this man and I want what's best for him. If it weren't for my feelings I would have ended this long ago. We're still together and I'm happy about that somewhat. Some days I want to just tell him we should end things here and now because he has a lot on his plate, why I am adding more stress for him about our relationship? But then he looks at me and gives me a wink that I cannot not refrain from smiling. Just like that I want to be with him continuously. I over hear someone telling me that he is asking for some advice on how to deal with our situation. To me that means he is confused on what to choose, leave me or ....(I really don't know that the other option is it could be me moving with him or long distance relationship). I know that never works. I just know I won't find a man like him. With so little time I let him see me at my worst and my true self. That's something. I am so unsure of what to do/say to him but we need to talk to get this resolved.
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Best feeling is when you just naturally click with a person. Talking all day, every day, no forceful conversation, laughs, attention. They are worth their weight in gold, don’t lose them
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I've been scared recently about the after math of him leaving. I know it would be really tough because I love him. I think of all the ways to distract myself and not be connected with media for awhile. I know disconnecting really does help me focus on myself. But that leaves me with my crazy thoughts of what he's doing what he's up too. My biggest fear is that once he leaves that will be the last time I see him. Another biggest fear is him seeing someone and forget about me and the promises he made between us that we would find each other when the time was right. This will be a challenge for me.
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