delicatedandelion

[delicatedandelion]

I feel bad but I don't know why, because there is no good reason at the moment.

[delicatedandelion]

Why is everyone else allowed to be happy

[delicatedandelion]

i need someone who wants to stay through the parts that aren’t pretty

[delicatedandelion]

[delicatedandelion]

This is all so meaningless. Life. Existence. Everything. The good things never happen. I’ve been waiting months. Years. And nothing. I’m so done.

[delicatedandelion]

I’m truly done. Honestly? I was supposed to end it a couple months ago. I had it all planned and everything. But then I felt bad because ‘the people I know might be sad’. So I told myself to not do it yet. But you know….it just keeps getting harder and harder to be alive. It keeps getting harder to find a reason to wake up. And these people? They do not actually care….sure they might be sad for what? A couple hours? Maybe a few days? A week? And then they’ll just keep on with their lives, shrug it off and live on anyways.

So in the end….what’s the reason to still be here? I’m doing nothing. I am nothing. I do not matter in any way shape or form. I am just breathing and occupying space for no reason other than once upon a time my parents decided to have a child.

I’m tired. I’m really tired.

[delicatedandelion]

I fainted today. I haven’t been eating and just…I started to feel terrible. I said I’ll sleep it off but I was in pain, just so much pain that for a moment I was wondering if it’s possible for your lower half to just idk get itself detached from you. So I got up slowly to go to the bathroom and check if there is anything wrong maybe my period came early or something who knows?

I started feeling sick like throwing up and dizzy and too hot and yet my body was freezing cold and my vision going spotty and dark. I knocked into the hallway wall and my room’s door trying to get back in my room in my bed. I think. I’m not sure 100% but based on the places my body is bruising and how the place looked it seems like the only way. I regained consciousness on the floor next to my desk chair. I think I was trying to sit but didn’t manage. My ears were ringing and then it felt like a swarm of bees that I was hearing and my hands were shaking.

So I had to eat and hope for the best. And while at it I told a few close people of mine. And the fun thing is…that no one seemed to care. It was just “mm…that sucks” “oh, sorry” and I was thinking…what if I didn’t get up? What if I would’ve hit my head? It would’ve been the same thing for them. Cause in the end it doesn’t matter and no one cares or gives a shit. I hope the next time I don’t get up again and just lay there till eventually I’m found and buried. Or idk. It doesn’t matter anymore.

[delicatedandelion]

[delicatedandelion]

Still alive

[delicatedandelion]

Life update: everything sucks and I should probably stop purging. Today after a session I saw some blood mixed in there so maybe I should get that checked out cause 7 hours later I still feel uncomfortable and in some pain. :D

[delicatedandelion]

I have people around me that I talk to sometimes about how I wish I never existed and stuff like that. One of them said at one point ‘well if you are so unhappy with your life why not just move in another country(we live in Europe) and like start over or something? New place new you type of shit.’

The thing is it’s EASY to say that. But. It’s easy to make plans and all. But where do you get all the money you need for such a huge thing? I can’t just run away. Even tho my family is toxic if I were to do that they will see it as me being selfish etc and immediately go on a whole ‘we want her back please help us!’ spiel. If I say I wanna move they’ll eventually start with the questions and a ‘ok you can borrow some money but I’ll need em back one day’ and so they can still find me, want to come over etc.

And honestly? What’s the point? I want to disappear not move somewhere and get a job and place to live and have to act as if I’m not mentally ill as if I left my illness at the border or something. I would have to wake up everyday having to go to work and eventually meet other people and exist. And I’m barely able to exist here where I am.

[delicatedandelion]

Same

I wish I could kill myself and take my body with me. I don't just want to die, I want to completely disappear. I never wanted to exist.

[delicatedandelion]

BLOCK DONT REPORT !

oh to be them〜

[delicatedandelion]

I’m numb.

I’m tired.

My brain is swimming in a weird liquid made of memories and dates and years and faces of people I think I remember.

Everything tastes the same and I can only describe it by colors. Fruits are pink or red. Veggies are green or brown. Food is just grey even with all the spices and my body doesn’t want it. It tastes of nothing.

I can’t keep a coherent thought for more than a few seconds before my brain goes back to hurting and feeling too big for the bones constricting it.

My ribcage feels too tight around my lungs so I take gasps of cigarettes and my skin feels too small so I use a cutter to relieve the tension.

I feel nothing and too much at the same time and I can only explain it like this: when we were kids and learning about colors so we would mix 10 colors at the time and ending up with a weird brown color. That is how I feel. Like I mixed everything and it resulted in this weird color I can’t even figure out if it’s brown or grey or whatever.

I’m too tired to move but it’s like electricity is running around in my veins and through my body at the same time.

I’m already dead inside and yet there is that 0.1% of hope from that stupid stupid survival instinct that says “Come on, a bit more, just this year and then if I’m wrong again…” But when will the “if I’m wrong again…” part come up? Cause it’s been years and my logical side KNOWS what to do and how it ends but that stupid stupid 0.1%…

I’m numb. And I’m tired.

[delicatedandelion]

[delicatedandelion]

drinking my silly little iced coffee and ignoring my silly little suicidal ideation

[delicatedandelion]

FUCK. so this is @ugliugly, @301lbs, and @babysnvff

idk wtf happened but all my blogs are gone.

I got an email that tumblr removed ONE post from @301lbs but when I went to use the app all of my blogs don't exist anymore.

I contacted support but idfk.

I'm literally so fucking pissed.

btw pls reblog so I can find my moots 😔🙏