deepblueeyess

[deepblueeyess]

bridges that burn themselves (except there is no bridge actually burning lol)

It all began with the utmost, unavoidable injustice that tore the plan ahead for both of us. I've never had to grieve the loss of chances and opportunities and togetherness for just one person in the span of three months.

it was more than just an acquaintanceship.

it was a close-knit that made me willing to voluntarily give up early bed time routine, it was the kind of bond where my introvert self doesn't mind the exhaustion of being out and about. trust formed real-quick.

I, without hesitation, would admit that the way I've been treating almost every friendship in college is, uh, transactional. I've always calculated the ROI, considering both what they're able to give and vice versa in extreme precision. I know this is sacrilegious, but I'm not a monster, you know; it's just a protective shield I have, in the name of practicing detachment—my way of keeping my vulnerable soul alive.

But that detached, heartless mask is the very thing I'm unable to wear in front of this person. It's like a God-sent. God will, He sent me this person to unpack every wrong doing, every monster-like approach to my social life I've been doing, each and every one of my jerk move.

I'm all-exposed.

And yes, I'm ashamed, embarrassed, saddened to death to confront the kind of monster I've become. But I don't feel and think like it's the end of the world, I don't think the universe should punish me right here and now for all the sins I've committed, at least—at least, not in front of this one person.

I've finally become human. Again. After God knows how long.

Not that type of monster who navigates life in most bitter, crazy, dangerous way.

So if I ever become better, if my face ever lights up a bit more, if my tone of voice changes and sounded more positive now, it's all thanks to her. If my outlook on life has shifted—even a little bit, if not completely—if you hear and see me being more genuine in every step of my way, it's all, also, also thanks to her.

But if my voice sounds colder, if my shoulder tense deeper than before, if my eyes hold knife-sharp grudge, it's also, sadly, probably all thanks to her.

The realization that we won't continue in the same path still rings like a death note in both of my ears. To see, for the hundred-thousandth time in my life, the beautiful "what-ifs" evaporate like they don't matter—I'm so scared of turning into an even worse monster than before.

But I won't. obviously. 2024 is the last year I'll allow myself a dozen psychosomatic complaints in life, and letting grudge burn this 2025 resolution wouldn't be so cool, would it?

For whoever I'll end up becoming, just know that I started 2025 with this. With loose ends. With hopes left hanging in the air. With wishes that never come true. With friendship break-up threats. With uncertainty. I hate uncertainties.

with love and with uncertainty,

Nadia.

[deepblueeyess]

13 Things I Learned in High School

*during, and post high school

[ everything that I write here is a note to myself first, before a note to anyone ]

1. The years you spent in high school doesn't and shouldn't determine your life next. Your dedication, the way you show up everyday, your will and your action does.

2. Friends are important, but not really.

Well. Controversial? maybe. But, think about it like this. If you happen to find good friends, who makes you feel happy and lead you to good things, great. Good for you then. But, what happens when you're stuck in a place full of entah naon-naon people? ha? I mean, go out there, socialize, befriend them, but set a boundary. Keep the friendships going, get those social interactions in because you don't wanna go solo in life—that's not good at all no matter how much you hate the people around you, but that's it. Guess what's so much more important than friends? Your self. Your mental health. Your well being. Your principles. The things you value. Period.

ps : It's also very unlikely you'll see them again after high school tho, so just—you know.

3. Don't, like do not ever take studying for granted, babes. Just don't. I don't think we need any further explanation here, so ya.

4. Don't break too many rules.

I myself broke way too much rules in high school, yes and please don't copy and I'm not proud of it at all, but it can't be helped ngeles aja lu gila because of some reasons I'm not really comfortable saying. Breaking rules would do no one good. To yourself? You're gonna feel guilty as hell. Your teachers? God, you're probably on their blacklist. Your friends? You will not have their respect ha-ha-ha, and they're gonna see you as nekat as well—overall, it's just not it. I'll say it again, don't break rules. You're not gonna have to obey them at all after high school tho, so just hang in there. Love <3

5. Respect all your teachers. Well. Do I have to say anything about this? Respect your teacher loves, period.

6. High school lasts for three years only! for all of us in Indo, yes.

It's not even that long. It'll only take up like, what, not even one third of your life only if your life's long tho hehe so it's really really short. If you think high school is one of the happiest moment in your life, then, know that, it's not gonna last forever. And the opposite applies as well, if to you, high school is one of your worst moment ever, know that, it doesn't last forever.

So, live your high school phase wisely!

7. It's just classmates, not life-mates.

Don't freak out! your relationship with them would end after school ends. Chill, you're not gonna be seeing them forever. It's so good for you if you think you've found one of your potential life-mate there, your potential for-life friend, but if you don't, please don't think you really should.

8. When someone doesn't understand you, it's not the end of the world.

In fact, in high school, I found numbers of people who just doesn't understand me. At all. And at times, I don't understand people too. And that's totally okay. It's life. Life happens. Not everybody should agree with one and one shouldn't agree with everyone as well.

Don't be too sad, you'll find people who will understand you. A lot. So much than you would expect.

9. Some people are born weird. Straight up. For no reason at all.

Mungkin mereka terlalu jahat, terlalu baik, terlalu gila? Terlalu naif, terlalu polos, terlalu menggelikan, terlalu licik? Terlalu brutal, terlalu sangar, atau terlalu santai? Atau terlalu sedeng, terlalu tolol, terlalu percaya diri, terlalu minder, terlalu gatel, terlalu nyolot, dan terlalu-terlalu yang lainnya? (I'm just including as many example I can supaya bisa ter-relate oleh dirimu ya).

Orang-orang memang gila. Memang aneh. Mungkin kamu akan kaget dan tidak menyangka kalau ada orang aneh di dunia ini karena tidak pernah bertemu model yang seperti itu sebelumnya, tapi ayo percayalah bahwa eksistensi makhluk aneh di muka bumi ini itu ada banyak sekali.

Also—apakah kamu kerap berteriak ke layar smartphone mu sendiri karena tidak kuat menahan tingkah laku kelewat freak seseorang dari sekolahmu? Sama. Tapi yang pasti adalah, itu semua bukan tanggung jawabmu.

Bukan salahmu mereka begitu. Bukan karena kamu. Ada atau tidak adanya kamu di dunia ini, mereka akan tetap aneh. Ada atau tidaknya kamu di hidup mereka pun, mereka akan tetap aneh. Some people are just born aneh! Period.

10. It's more temporary than you think.

Poin yang ini mungkin bunyinya rada mirip sama poin nomor enam, tapi, ini beda.

Kalau lagi berada di momen atau fase tertentu, kita kadang suka punya kecenderungan berpikir kalau itu tuh bakal selamanya. Atau paling enggak, ini tuh akan berlangsung dalam waktu yang lama sekali. Kita suka overestimate the time, the length, the duration of it. Padahal ga begitu juga harusnya. Semuanya lebih sementara dari yang kita kira. Before we know it, it ends. Oke, hal-hal buruk akan terasa lebih lama dijalani ketimbang hal-hal baik. Tapi lama bukan selamanya. Jadi, jangan memperlakukannya demikian.

In high school, if we don't really think of it as 'temporary', we'll tend to be more attached to it. To everything in it. We base our whole life worth to it, we attach our own identity to the whole high school experience itself. When we finally graduate, if we happen to love high school so much, we'll became really-really sad, and suddenly our life lost meanings. And then we ended up missing our friends so much, missing the school, the teacher, the classroom even, all the situations—and we might ended up romanticizing our past a little too much. While it's normal to miss our past, missing it 'too much' is never good. We can't hold on and cling to it forever. Yourself not growing properly as you should to because you miss high school days a lot is the last thing you want to happen. Cherish and treasure all the memories, be grateful for it, but then, let it go.

In the contrary, let's say that high school was horrible for you. But you don't really think of it and treat it as something temporary. And then you fight to death all the evilness of it (let's assume you are and this is what you're thinking of doing), you hated it so much you wanna cry. Then high school ends. What happens? Same thing. Your life lost it meanings. What are your purpose? In life? In yourself? You don't know. You don't know because you lost focus. During high school, all you're thinking is; this place is hell, goddamnit I hate it so much, It'll never get any better, I can't wait to get out of here, when you're not really doing anything! You're not taking any actions at all, really. You're just—busy thinking and feeling. Once you graduate, can you imagine how empty you're gonna feel? You'll probably be like, oh, God, it ends! It can end! But, what do I do now? What I was doing the entire time? Oh God, what a loss! Instead of being busy building a purposeful, meaningful life, I let all of this negativity took a lead of my life! No!

You don't want it, do you?

11. Pay attention in class and you'll make this world a far greater place—hehe this one might sound a little bit too exaggerated, but I do think so?

ps : I don't really know how to put it the right way, I'm really sorry if this one sounds way too vague and abstract now, I'll try to come back here and make an edit once I do find a better 'delivery' ! :-)

12. Stay true to who you are. It's never worth it to try being someone you're not in order to 'blend in'.

I personally struggled a lot in between the search of 'sense of belonging' in high school as well as having this strong desire to just be my own self, unapologetically. It was really hard to find the middle ground, so guess what I ended up doing? I choose to be myself. I let go of this feeling of wanting to belong. It took me a lot of very, very careful considerations to finally be able to decide on this. My final decisions was that, okay, perhaps I just don't belong. Straight up. This place isn't for me, but this place happen to be a part of my life path. Let's just..live it.

When I first made this clear on my head and started taking actions accordingly, I thought I would lose so many people and ended up being so lonely. And I did. But guess what also happened? I met so many like-minded people. I effortlessly attracted people with the same interest as me, a similar mindset, quite a similar hobby, beliefs, lifestyle, goals, purposes, etc. Things that I know very well I wouldn't have gotten at all if I just, you know, conform.

At the end of the day, you don't even have to conform if you don't want to. Who cares? Live your life as you please as long as you're not hurting anybody—you do you!

13. Just live! Just live it. Embrace each and every moment. Life is soo beautiful. Your journey is soo beautiful! Too beautiful to miss out on. Too beautiful to not be present at.

so that's it, 13 things that I learned in high school, even the number thirteen itself it's super philosophical because it is linked to something throughout my school experience—omg nobody asks, but,

I hope this resonates with you, I hope you find this helpful, I hope you enjoy reading this. See you!

❤️, Nadia.

[deepblueeyess]

one minute conversation.

4.21 PM

"What is this?" he laughs. "I never thought you would be like this in person," he then moves his belongings to the other side of the table, as the waitress approaches our seat.

"Hello there—"

"I'm really sorry for this, but can you give us a minute please?" he asked the waitress, smiled politely. The waitress nods quickly, walks away, approaching the other guests.

"Why did you do that?" I raised my eyebrow in confusion. Don't send away the waitress please I'm hungry—

"I don't want to interrupt our talk."

Okay.

"I only asked her for a minute tho," he said. "Anyways. You don't even seem like you've got a crush on me since you were sixteen, tho. What happened, really? You lose interest?" he continued to giggle, showcasing his neatly sequined white teeth.

This is bizarre.

"Or are you lying?"

Gosh.

I starred at him in disbelief. Do I look like a con artist? Why the hell would I lie about this? Is this guy for real omg—

I squeezed my hand bag real tight, preparing myself to spit out the harsh truth. What could the best possible way to let him know everything with a short-sweet-simple answer?

"My feelings were sky high," I said eventually.

"—but I think we both are striving towards different paradises."

I'm flabbergasted by my own words. I lifted my head up to see his reaction and there it is, the look on his face. emotional damage Electric shock.

"Oh, and the waitress's back. Have you looked up the menu yet? She's about to take your order."

I guess we're not having the fanciest meal today, I thought to myself, as my eyes quietly observed around, to one of the fanciest restaurant in town.

10 / 06 / '23

—Nadia Putri Khairani.

[deepblueeyess]

One Fine Day at Kosan

Hari itu adalah hari pertama keluar rumah setelah dua minggu. Seminggunya sakit, seminggunya lagi sibuk meratapi diri menata kembali mau ngapain setelah satu event besar berhasil dilalui.

Hari Senin itu diawali dengan olahraga, membaca, dan belajar bahasa. Kemudian melancong ke tempat kos, setelah sebelumnya sempat mampir ke kedai sarapan lalu membeli makanan-makanan seperti yang terlampir pada foto di atas ; lontong! and a mini dessert box.

Sesampainya di kos, aku menghabiskan dua jam berikutnya menghabiskan lontong dan menonton drakor!

Guess what the drakor is.

drakor reveal :

Doctor Cha!

Oke kita lanjut.

Berhubung masa-masa mengekos sudah hampir berakhir, hari Senin itu saya peruntukkan khusus, spesial untuk membereskan segala yang perlu dibereskan. Rencananya saya mau mendedikasikan satu hari penuh itu untuk beberes, dengan harapan bisa selesai hari itu juga.

Jam 10, agenda menyikat ember.

Jam 11, agenda packing semua pakaian yang ada ke dalam satu storage, juga agenda beberes buku dan bongkar-bongkar.

Ternyata di agenda yang satu ini, kita agak ngaret. Sedikit.

No, banyak.

Acara beres-beres itu resmi dirampungkan tiga hari setelahnya. The room go from full of all my stuffs to super-super empty.

Let's get back to that hari Senin, the very first day we got to beres-beres.

Hari Senin itu, I felt sooooo extraordinarily happy. And relieved. I felt pure joy. Sekolah udah lulus, tes masuk ptn (yang skema pertamanya lah ya) sudah selesai pula, so I'm sitting there without carrying any weight. No heavy burdens at all. I was just so happy, got to enjoy life a little bit..

Life is so beautiful now that I got out of high school!

One thing that I find really really funny is that, I'm more sad about saying goodbye to my kosan room rather than saying goodbye to high school. I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but that's just how it is. My kosan room is probably the best room I've ever lived in my life so far. Crazy how time flies! I still remember the day when I first got here, all nervous, all clueless.

My kosan room have witnessed a lot of things. My dark deepest days of depression until my brightest, most exciting days. The thick walls have heard my crying and my laughter and all the stories behind it. It's been quietly listening to all my self-talk, too.

to all the sleeplessness nights I spend here in kosan, whether it is for nugas or because of my technique of menolak hari esok, to all the gila-pengen-udahan thoughts that haunts me throughout high school, I want to express my most sincere gratitude. to this city, I also wanna thank you, especially for those moments where you showed me how much of a not good at all fit I am for you, those times where you remind me of how we are a no good match, and all those life lessons I probably could never ever learn everywhere else.

here's to that Monday, one last fine day at kosan.

8 / 06 / '23

Nadia.

[deepblueeyess]

am I confused or are you?

“Kak, your life seems perfectly fine on the outside,” the little sis said. I lifted one inch of my head, starred sharply onto both of her eyes. She then quickly added, “At least to me, it looks like that, hehe.”

I inhaled sharply. Even tho my mind was racing, full of anger, wanted to rawr back to her questionable statement, I just replied with, 

“Okay.”

“I just..i just don’t really see why you need to be crying almost every night,” she replied. “For someone with a life as perfect as you, it’s a little bit confusing.”

“A little bit weird, I mean,” she gestured awkwardly, since I’m still there with the stare that got more and more intense as she continues to speak.

“I’m the one who’s confused here, I feel like..” I took one sip of my chocolate milk. “If you hear me crying almost every night, and you don’t see why is that since my life seems perfect, then there must be something wrong, isn’t it?”

“Then my life might not be as perfect as it seems to be, isn’t it?”

She nodded. 

“I don't get why you'd see my life as perfect. There are a lot going on that you don't know. If I'm sobbing every night-and I'm so sorry you had to hear it I'll try to be quieter later on, there must be a reason to it, right?"

There was like 15 seconds of silence before she decided to open her mouth again,

“But I don’t believe you. It’s hard to believe that someone like you, go through tough times. It’s just impossible, you know. I want to believe you, but I can’t.” she said that in one breath, tried to be super-fast, almost rapping. “You have it all! You’re great, living a great life. No flaws, no sad things going on, just amazing.”

oh, God.

“I’m confused, you know,” I flipped my hair to the back, resting both of my arms at the table. “So-very confused.”

“I’m confused too,” the little sis replied. 

am I the one who should be confused, or are you?

.

5/06/’23

[deepblueeyess]

I used to hate time

as it separates me from February 2016

I used to curse it in my dreams

as it made today and 2019 far away

but then

time is my life

time is the only way I could dream

about the most impossible of impossible things

time holds me up

for all the things I cannot see

time, essentially

is my weapon

is the only way I can fight back

all the demons in myself

and all the demons in somebody else.

[deepblueeyess]

something very worth promising to my own self : I'll see your worth better than anyone else in the whole entire world.

[deepblueeyess]

chairmate.

dear my chairmate--you know who you are, tapi, enggak, ini bukan tentang kamu, kok.

tapi ini tentang penyesalan-penyesalan yang aku punya during our time being chairmates. 

I wasn’t in my greatest time, I wasn’t living my best life when I was your chairmate. Tapi ternyata, menjadi chairmate yang baik doesn’t require you to have the best life possible, kok. You can be a good chairmate, regardless your condition. I’ve been putting it up--being a good chairmate because I thought, oh, I’ll be a nice chairmate, later, when I have this. I’ll try being the best chairmate later, when this and that happen. I’ll be good later, when, you know, I’m feeling okay myself.

In the mean time, I was focusing on how you weren’t a great chairmate either. Haha, sangat minta ditabok, bukan? 

This is more like a thank-you note, actually. 

Our closeness level if we were to rate it, is not even that high. But what makes us even agreed to become chairmate on the first day of school in twelve grade was, we had the same thing in mind ; we’re not gonna bejumbel-jumbel with these relatively naughty kids in our class. We prefer not to be a part of it, or to put it in other way, we are on the ‘calm’ side. We just wanna remain unbothered and undisturbed--we’re still gonna socialize but we’re just not letting anything get in the way of our inner peace, I guess. 

So there we are. Or we were, I guess.

I still remember very vividly one of your act of kindness accompanying me to find the teachers for susulan. We walked all over our school omg I can’t even comprehend how many calories we probably burned because the walks are so long and intense trying to find the teachers, from classroom to classroom we go, the teacher’s office too, everywhere. I also remember how you always had my back when I skipped way too many days at school, saving me from missing my assignments. You have always respected my boundaries too, and it’s super rare to find someone who does.

So I wanted to thank you, also wanted to say sorry. Sorry because I was never present. My mind was always stretching far out in the past and the future. I was always so ambitious, aiming to get out of the town as soon as possible, which made me forget to appreciate what’s here and what’s now. I’ve missed out on so many things that could’ve been great, but it didn’t turn out that way because I was selfish. I was so ungrateful the whole entire time, was so negative, complaining a lot, and if I think about it, it’s not an easy thing to be with me at that state. But you never complain back. You've never once raised an 'objection' or anything. You’re always there, listening.

If I think about it, we actually don’t need to have a flawless life first to be able to be there with our loved ones. We don’t have to have everything figured out first to be a great partner. I don’t think we’ll ever reach a point in life where, ‘oh my god, my life is flawless now!’ tho. If anything, we have to do the thing today.

Whether it be a child-parent relationship, a friend to friend, student-teacher, employee-boss, ((((i guess)))) it’s only natural that we want to present the best thing to the other party. We want to perform in the best way possible. We want to have quality relationship andd if we’re still unable to present ourselves the way we intend to, we might pull ourselves away, ‘pending it’, ‘putting it off’ until we’re ready, until we feel like ourselves again. But whether or not those days would ever come to us, we really don’t know. What if, *worst case possible* we die before even reaching it? what if another thing happen and it took away our chance to ever be a great partner to everyone we have in our lives? and what if it’s too late? 

so. be grateful for your chairmate, maybe. cherish them. tell them how much you appreciate them. and do that to all the other 'mates' that comes to your life next.

.

.

29/05/'23

[deepblueeyess]

maniac.

we met, we hung out, and we jammed too

something unexpected in the first quarter of the year

I got charmed

stunned

slightly bewitched

I reacted like a maniac

because everything was so unexpected

I don't know if it's the place, the time, the person

the you

but everything about it has got me

to react like a maniac

[deepblueeyess]

A Fresh Start

{this is your friendly reminder that the entirety of the post might be just as cliché as the title up there.}

but if you stick around, continue on reading, I love you.

.

.

.

hi everyone, it’s been a while since I last post here in tumblr. I have so many things in mind right now, don’t really know what to discuss first, but, let's start with this :

guys, or maybe friends, or--ya I’ll leave it to you what you prefer to be called, I have changed. 

And why this surely is important to let the readers know, is because if I change, my writing will surely change too.

If I change, I’m probably gonna change the direction of my blog, as in : what topic I will be talking about, my style, my way of talking about it,and it might also impact your satisfaction-enjoyment-interest while reading it, haha. 

But this is a change for good, I promise. And I’ll help you to see why.

If I look back at the tone of my writings here, as well as the whole concept of it, here’s what I've came to realize ; this blog, up until this point, has just been me hosting my own pity party. Has been me, pretty much ‘selling’ my sob story. 

Very questionable, yes. 

Now, did that work out? did my sob story get the attention it wanted? Yes it did. Some people come at me, stating their empathy. I get to be more ‘understood’ by people. A lot more people sympathize with me. Two extra bonuses, I got more attention, and, there are more people who would let my madness slide. Why? Because I’ve got sob stories. Because I have a sad, pitiful background. Be nicer to me, please, love. 

I enjoyed it. Quite a lot. 

While this might be one of the most embarrassing things to ever admit, I’ll admit it anyway. Because I slay like that hehe. I gain attention by selling my sob stories to the world, I enjoy dwelling in my own world of adversity, and, before I know it, I lose all the ability to think good. To have thought of good things. To even feel good. Now, if you feel and think so miserably, how are you going to be able to move at all?

Let me put it this way ; my writings, from now on, wouldn’t revolve around my sufferings anymore. That ain’t the main topic bro. Not again. Not ever. 

Maybe you would wonder about two things such as, woa, okay, where are you going now? what are you gonna be posting about from now on? and, how did the idea that you’re just hosting your pity party the entire time come about? 

The first one, well, it’s a secret, I’m not talking about the things that hasn’t arrived yet--no actually I haven’t thought about it at all lol. But one thing you can expect very soon is a hs review and recap.

About the second one, I was made aware by a lot of things. It’s an accumulation of so many things, like, the book I’ve read, the self-help videos I’ve watched, the podcast and ted talks I’ve ‘consumed’, the series of event going on in my life, people, and just, life, really. Everything going in my life now has been ‘awakening’ me in a way. 

As for everyone who have been with me, in this tumblr, for a little while now, I apologize that you have to witness all that. All the madness I was spitting, all the sob stories--where I manage to pretend that I wasn’t delivering any sob stories at all, I really am sorry. Even so, I’m just gonna let those writings be there. I’m not making it private, not deleting, not editing it, just letting it be there as it is, raw and pure. Now, maybe not many will get what I’m trying to do by doing that, so here’s some justification brief explanation.

I’ve mentioned this before but in case you don’t know, I’ve had some blogs too in the past. I have this habit of deleting everything every five months because you know, I would change, and grow, maybe outgrow a lot of my writings. And I would cringe, obviously. Each time that I cringe, I click the delete button. Each time I find my writing ridiculous, I get rid of it. Until I’m left with absolutely nothing. As if I have no history of blogging, ever. Because it’s blank empty. 

And now, I don't have something to look back. I don't have my old writings to reflect on. And most importantly, I didn't know very well what kind of person I was.

So we're not doing that.

I don’t know how many chapters are there in my life, but at this point, I sure am at the very end of a chapter. A chapter that has been going on for four years now. I’m about to start a new chapter soon Insya Allah, and I’m very excited to share those stories I’ll have in the future. We’ll talk about it in a positive manner, obviously. I really want it to be like, okay, this happened. What did I learn? that kind of tone. That kind of attitude.

Sooo that's that. I think I'm gonna have to wrap it up here, and I hope you’ll stick around. Tschüss!

❤️, Nadia.

24/05/’23

[deepblueeyess]

Cerita Bulan Juni

(little fun game ; ada yang bisa spot tiga tanggal di foto ini?)

Halo, teman-teman semua. Selamat akhir bulan Juni!

Bulan ini, ceritanya adalah tentang 2T.

2T ; tentang Tanggal dan Tangerang.

Setiap kali aku melihat tanggal di sesuatu ; di bawah sebuah video di youtube, di pojok kanan atas atau pojok kanan bawah halaman pertama buku yang kubeli, atau di postingan instagram, atau postingan tumblr, and even in my own diary, atau jurnal-jurnal dan buku agenda lamaku, atau di jurnal-jurnal dan buku agenda lama mamaku, atau di struk-struk belanja lama, atau di tiket-tiket bioskop jaman bahela yang sudah pudar warnanya,

aku selalu merasa sesuatu.

Semenjak kepindahanku keluar dari kota, aku pun bertransformasi menjadi pribadi yang sangat sensitif. Bukannya aku tidak sensitif sebelumnya, tapi kini tingkat kesensitifitasanku jadi kian esktrem, ya terutama pada hal-hal ini ; tanggal dan Tangerang. Setiap aku melihat sebuah tanggal, apapun, dimanapun, refleks aku melayangkan pikiran, wah, tanggal segitu, bulan segitu, tahun itu, aku pasti lagi gini-gini-gini di Tangerang.

Sebelum teman-teman mengira bahwa aku sangat biased or fanatic or heavily obsessed with this city, let me make this clear. It's not about the city, teman-teman. It never was. It’s just about how I've spent all my life there and suddenly having to move out without wanting to at all.

So ya. I just go crazy about dates, i became very sensitive about it, diiringi dengan the feeling of wanting to go back. Kayak, ya ampun! Aku mau balik lagi ke hari itu tanggal segitu, disitu. Aku pengen ngerasain itu semuanya lagi. Aku ga pengen disini. Aku ga pengen disini, dan aku ga pengen disini.

Dan dari situ jugalah segala ketidakwarasan saya bermula.

Saya jadi pribadi yang-well, suka playing victim. Berkoar-koar, saya ini korban keadaan! Jangan salahkan saya atas semua yang terjadi. Ayo dong, kasihan sama saya, simpati sama apa yang terjadi sama saya. Jangan jahatin saya, ya, karena saya udah cukup sedih. Awas aja kalo jahat, tak doain balik ke kamu semua kejahatannya.

Kedua, saya jadi pribadi yang, well, tidak berkembang. Saya sedih berkepanjangan, tanpa berbuat apa-apa. Diem doang kaya orang tolol yang nungguin rezeki nomplok dari langit, kali ya. Alhasil saya bener-bener makin stuck dan kualitas diri sayapun semakin merosot dalam berbagai aspek.

Teman-teman, disini aku bukan berbagi cerita tentang apa yang terjadi. Ini adalah bahasan-bahasan kecil tentang coping mechanism-ku yang agak tolol, dan lalu bagaimana teman-teman bisa jauh-jauh dari hal demikian.

Pembahasan pertama. Ternyata punya victim mentality when you're not necessarily a victim is so wrong in soo many ways. Itu jahat, karena kita melimpahkan blame-blame yang tidak seharusnya kepada orang lain. Kita tidak bersyukur dan tidak mau menerima kenyataan. Kita tidak mau mengambil tindakan atas apa-apa yang menimpa kita, alias kita pengecut. Kita enggan disalahkan, panik, lantas bilang, 'aku korban, jangan salahin aku!' Padahal yang nyalahin juga kaga ada. Intinya, aku ga mau berbuat apa-apa dan terus-terusan menyalahkan keadaan. I learned the hard way that this, is indeed a very poor mindset to have.

Kedua. Sedih berlarut-larut. Sedih berkepanjangan. Atau apalah namanya. I'm still struggling so much with it untill today, dan susah sekali untuk tidak sedih. Rasanya setiap hari ada saja yang mau disedihkan, ada saja hal-hal menyedihkan. Dan itu terjadi dalam jangka waktu yang panjang, jadilah berlarut-larut, ya kan. Dampaknya ke kita? Well, kita jadinya ga kemana-mana. Ga beranjak dari tempat. Ga bisa menemukan solusi. Ga beranjak dari ambang kesedihan itu sendiri. A total waste if time. Ujung-ujungnya nyesel, kerjaan ga keurus, semua urusan ga ada yang beres karena waktunya dihabiskan untuk bersusah hati.

Dan, teruntuk teman-teman pernah atau sedang berada di titik ini ; self-victimization & sedih berlarut-larut, I encourage all of you to free yourself from this! Dan buat yang belum pernah, that's great dan jangan sampe.

So let’s affirm this together ; percaya bahwa setiap proses yang kita lalui sudah direncanakan dengan sempurna oleh-Nya, yang penting selalu ikhtiar maksimal, terus berdo’a dan paham bahwa dibalik hal-hal berat yang kita lalui pasti ada hikmah yang bisa diambil!

Akhir kata, thank you so much for reading it this far. Have a nice day wherever you are in the world! See you :)

with love,

Nadia.

.

(everything that I write here is a message for myself first before a message for everyone)

[deepblueeyess]

baik

jadilah baik, sayang

maka kamu takkan rugi

jadilah baik, sayang

lalu jangan kamu lihat kembali

jadilah baik, sayang

lantas tatap wajah sekitarmu berseri

`

jadilah baik, sayang

sebab dunia ini butuh

sebab dunia ini kejam teramat sungguh

jadilah baik, ya?

.

28/05/22,

Nadia Putri Khairani.

[deepblueeyess]

Cerita Bulan Mei

~

hai, friends! Hari ini, aku mau curhat aja, nih, tentang gimana kabarku akhir-akhir ini, what I’ve been expreriencing, how I’ve been feeling, and all that, ya. Sebenernya nulis ginian when it feels like no one ever asks or nobody cares, dan bahkan aku ngerasa ini ga ada benefitnya, gitu, buat yang baca, aku jadi ragu mau nulis apa engga. But then I think again, hey! Mungkin ada manfaatnya kalau ada pelajaran yang bisa diambil. Mungkin tulisan kamu bisa menjadi sangat comforting buat siapapun di luar sana yang menjalani situasi yang serupa, or even just going through hardships in general, as it’ll let them know that they’re not alone.

So let’s talk about life.

I once told my mom that my life timeline feels stuck in 2019. It feels like, only my body that make it to 2022, but not my mind, not my soul. Just my raga alone, not my jiwa.

Unconciously, I even believed that as I person, I haven't grown or changed at all since then. I feel like i stopped growing. I always blamed my environment for that, blamed my parent’s decision, blamed my destiny-even, until, yesterday, life proved me that I was wrong.

Because I did grow.

I did change.

Like, tremendously.

Yesterday, by accident, when I was contemplating whether or not to text my best friend, i just happened to scroll all of our messages all the way to 2019. The overwhelming amount of old messages obviously took me the longest time ever to read, which I kinda skip a lot of things too, but ya. I sit there for 45 minutes, scrolling.

Reading.

Understanding.

Contemplating.

Figuring out.

And then I think to myself, ‘God, I don’t even recognize this person anymore!’

The way I text, my perspective, my reaction to things, the way I express myself, the way I see the world, the movies and the youtube videos I consume, and even our friendship, has changed so much.

It would be a lie If I don’t find myself thinking, ‘Can’t believe that my 2019 self was soo dumb. Do I even miss this? Do I even miss being this dumb? How dare you even say that you haven’t moved past 2019?

Dengan sejuta pemahaman-pemahaman baru yang berdatangan, yang mana intinya adalah-wah aku memang sudah banyak berubah ya, ternyata as a person aku tidak stuck di situ-situ aja ya, di situlah aku merasa seperti ada wake-up call. Di mana aku kayak, dibisikkin sama angin, like, there you go, proofs that you, time wise, have moved past 2019. You already moved so far. 2019 udah ketinggalan jauh di belakang. Ga relevan. Peristiwanya, even the 2019 version of you. If you keep holding back onto that person, you could ruin your own life. Ngebatasin your own growth, melewatkan so many oppurtunities, bisa-bisa ga akan pernah bahagia dalam hidup. Nih aku kasih buktinya, ini semua nunjukkin kalau, indeed, it’s not 2019 anymore. It is so far gone that you even forgot already, how it feels to be living in that year. Ayo sadar akan hal itu.

2019-let it be just a sweet, sweet, memory. Your personal fave, the first half of 2019, treasure that moment in your heart, tapi bukan untuk disesali dan berangan-angan bisa kembali lagi. Sesimpel karena itu semua ga akan pernah terulang lagi.

Jadi, kita belajar berdamai, ya. Dengan masa lalu, dengan masa kini. Dengan diri sendiri, dan dengan orang lain.

Mulai sekarang, stop bilang, 'omg, 2019 was the last time I feel happy.' Nein.

Pemikiranku yang lain, yang masih ada kaitannya dengan penerimaan, adalah, berakar from this question : do you think yourself right now is the best version of you, in life, so far?

The short answer is yes.

Kenapa begitu?

Yang menjadi tolak ukurku dalam menentukan apakah aku sekarang adalah versi diriku yang terbaik sepanjang aku hidup-sampat saat ini, adalah, how I tackle things. Ya, sederhana memang. Tapi, banyak banget skenario kehidupan yang kalau terjadinya di masa lalu aku bakalan ‘sekarat’ sementara kalau terjadinya sekarang ya I’m gonna be just fine.

Terus mungkin aku paling punya banyak pengetahuan ya sekarang? Dibandingkan aku kemaren, satu hari yang lalu, 6 bulan yang lalu, atau 6 tahun yang lalu.

Terus pengalaman yang aku punya paling banyak, ya, juga sekarang.

Jadi kesimpulannya apa, dong, kalau gitu?

Berarti, ya, versi diri kamu sekarang ini kan dibentuk oleh berbagai macam hal, kan. Berbagai macam peristiwa. Jadi, diri kamu hari ini adalah akumulasi dari segala macam peristiwa yang kamu lalui, berbagai macam rintangan yang kamu berhasil atasi, serta malam-malam penuh tangis, hari-hari penuh kejutan, dan sederet hal lainnya. Jadi, menerima siapa kamu itu juga adalah menerima apa yang terjadi sama kamu.

Menerima semua kepedihan, semua bencana. Menerima rasa sakit. Menerima perlakuan-perlakuan buruk. Menerima bagaimana kamu pernah menyaksikan dan menderita dari hal-hal paling tidak jelas, aneh, pokoknya ya buruk lah ya-menurut versimu. Dan ternyata, kita ga bisa in-denial, gitu. Karena semua itulah yang udah nge-shape kita jadi diri kita sekarang. But let’s be honest, all that is easier said than done, jadiii, as a bonus, also I sincerely apologize that today's post is becoming so heavy out of nowhere, I present to you, some nice-and hopefully not that cliché quotes related to the topic :

---

Terbentur, terbentur, lalu terbentuk.

---

“You are gonna be happy,” said life.

“But first I will make you strong.”

---

(source-nya aku lupa, lmk if you guys know yaa ^_^)

terima kasih yaaa teman-teman semua sudah meluangkan waktunya buat bacaa, maaf kalau pembahasannya jadi ngalor-ngidul kemana-mana melenceng dari niat awal😅 tapi semoga tetep ada hal baik yang bisa diambil, ya! I hope you have a great day wherever you are in the world. 🤗

Love,

Nadia.

[deepblueeyess]

hey , R u student from asta ?

Hi there! Yes, I was a student of Assta. 😊

[deepblueeyess]

tolls are just tolls

but i cry everytime i see them in movies

tunnels are just tunnels

but i shed tears everytime i see them through screens

mall are just malls

but my heart aches

my sight gets blurry

and my brain keeps

replaying scenes

that haunt me in my dreams

i promise you, i'm not material-oriented

i promise you, i'm not crazy about big cities

I'm just

missing home.

April 9

2022

- Nadia Putri.

[deepblueeyess]

apa kabar?

sebenarnya,

apa artinya jika kamu bertanya apa kabar?

jawaban apa yang kamu harap untuk dengar?

aku sendiri berharap

bahwa 'apa kabar' mu bukanlah

basa-basi semata

aku sendiri ingin

bisa bercerita panjang

tentang 'kabar' ku

entah itu

saat aku sedang senang sesenang-senangnya,

atau

saat aku sedang sedih, sesedih-sedihnya.

Nadia,

23/03/22

maaf ya alay banget HAHAHA emang lagi rada melow anaknya :)

[deepblueeyess]

so which one are you? -:)