deconstructedtangles
Deconstructed Tangles
15 posts
"... She was like the moon, part of her was always hidden."
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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remember.
i wasn't your type and you weren't mine. remember?
but we worked, so incredibly well it scared us both. remember? 
until you decided you were able to walk away for your own selfish reasons. remember?
i took a chance, and you just took until i had nothing left to give. remember? 
now you have it all and i sit here writing, wishing i could just shake you and say, don't you remember? 
don’t you remember how great we were until you ran? 
don’t you remember the times before you left?
i’ll move on and you’ll have your life. but when the day comes when you wonder where i am, just make sure you sit down and remember.
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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thank you.
the best thing you ever did was break my heart. 
you were a drug, a high i couldn't quit, a high that nearly killed me. 
thank you for making me sober. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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there and gone.
Don’t fear me when I’m screaming,
Fear me when I am silent.
Don’t fear me when I am fighting for you, 
Fear me when I give up.
Don’t fear me when I want to talk it out, 
Fear me when I will not start the conversation.
 Don’t fear me when I am still invested. 
Fear me when I have accepted a life without you.
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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inhale, exhale.
inhale. 
you are strong. you are brave. you can do this. 
exhale. 
it’s okay to be scared. 
inhale. 
you can put in work. you can change. you will succeed. 
exhale. 
it’s okay to be overwhelmed.
inhale. 
you are worth it.
exhale. 
it’s okay to leave those who don’t see your worth behind.
inhale. 
you have ambition. 
exhale.
it’s okay to feel lost. 
inhale. 
you will get to your it will all work out. 
exhale. 
it’s okay to just let it be. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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lost.
Initiate lost puppy dog mode because I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I know I have drive, I know what I want in the end, but it’s the getting there that has me so confused and lost that I can’t figure which way is up lately. Today I literally cried because someone told me to change my tone and I understood why. 
I am not okay. 
My head is jumbled, my thoughts are confused. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to do anything that I have control over but I feel like I all have control over is breaking down. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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take your pity and go.
I don’t need your pity, please don’t waste my time. I am strong enough to do this on my own, if you want to come along for the journey, please, join me, but if you look at me and think you are saving me or gone forbid you think “oh honey” please move along. I have gotten myself this far, and I will get myself further. 
To those who think they can fix me, I am not broken. 
To those who think they can better me, suggestions are welcome but full disclosure may not be acted upon. 
To those who feel bad for me, just let yourself out. 
However... To those who want to take on this crazy journey called life together, and see what we can do together through the ups and downs and everything in between, please, stay. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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craving.
I’m hungry. Hungry for moral support that is. I find it the most attractive feature now. I’ve always been so sexually driven that all decisions were physical. Now here I sit knowing I have 8 men I could text and they would be here and bang me into next week just the way I like it, but it’s almost like I don’t want that anymore. 
Okay well let’s be real, yes I do. But i feel like now I don’t just crave the bust though the door and smash. 
I crave the “the door is open!” *man walks in* “Hey baby how was your day?” “great, but lets talk about that after!” *insert sexual amazingness* “Okay, now tell what happened today?” so I would tell him and then I’d ask him how his day was while we laid there, or while we made dinner, or while he got ready for an evening engagement or I got ready for this stupid basketball team i’m playing on. 
I’m hungry, but now I crave more than the orgasm, I crave the moral support, the connection, the fuck me silly, and the love me sweet.
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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give and take.
I was standing in the kitchen of my first apartment, a basement suite that put me in so much debt that I still reject the financial side of that adventure, but that’s not what story we’re covering tonight. Tonight I write about a question asked to me by an ex lover with wide eyes after I had handed him something for free that I could have sold for $500. His words, the look in his eyes, the sincerity in his voice still chills me to the bone. It was the first true moment I was fully vulnerable with someone that I had completely fallen in love with.
“Bryna, why do you give to everyone so much?” He had cut me off from flirting to ask that? I froze. I could have lied, that would have ben easier than admitting to him and admitting to myself why I give. But this moment, the one that plays over and over in my head, that moment was what started a ball rolling to the transparency of my giver tendencies.
The moment lasts just a bit too long and I decide to open my mouth, “I give because,” my voice starts to crack and I can feel the tears starting to pool in my eyes. “I give because I know what it feels like to feel worthless, and I never want anyone I love to feel that way.” I turn away quickly making busy work in the kitchen, really just hoping he didn’t see me cry, I don’t let anyone see me cry.
“Well, you do a really good job holding us all up, I wish we could do the same”.
I have been asked this questions many times since and the answer remains the same. To ex lovers, to ex friends, current loves and current friends, the answer remains the same. 
Back to the original evening... Like the panic I am I changed the subject. 
I should have explained I don’t give to receive things in return, I give because at the end of the day if I am truly left all alone, and all my giving was just taken, at least I helped those along their path.
Don’t get me wrong, I love to receive, but the thing I want to receive most is love. To love and be loved is the best gift in my eyes because it’s not something you can’t ask for, or go looking for, it’s just something that happens.
I know I run the risk for giving too much, many men and women for that matter have told me I do this, but I also know this side of me will never change. I will continue to give, I know I will give too much to many people who don’t deserve it, and I will give to those who only take, but I believe in fate and I know I will give to those who appreciate all I do and understand it’s not about compensation, it’s about love, and will return in dividends.
No day in this world is guaranteed, not tomorrow, even not the end of today, so if I can leave this world knowing I have poured all I have into those I love then I have done my soul right. I will have days I feel empty, I will have days I feel full, but all days I can say that I have loved and given with all I have that day, and those who chose to walk away, that is their choice not mine.
I will forever live with the mindset that people will not remember what I say, but I sure as hell hope they remember how I made them feel.
So Colton, thank you for asking, I give because I know what it feels like to feel worthless, and I never want anyone I love to feel that way. Thank you for helping me get to a place where you saw how much I gave and I could admit why I do. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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letting go.
I’ve never been one to let go easily but tonight I sit here with no idea what to write as the words and thoughts are running faster than my brain can catch. Instead I chose a theme, something to summarize everything that continues to jump up and down inside this noggin of mine. 
When I say I’ve never been one to let go I mean letting go is something I have never been good at, I’m talking ever. Even as a child I was this little planner who wanted to make sure that everyone was included and enjoying themselves’. 
The lesson of learning that sometimes hanging on is more painful than letting go is something I am still trying to learn. Learning that I can’t control everything and everyone seems very logical, but I do this thing where I think with my heart, and that gets me in trouble. 
So now I sit here typing madly trying to get any of these words to make sense realizing that I never had control of any of it, it was all some weird illusion I had made for myself to think that I was the driver when really I’ve been sitting passenger for years.
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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but why...
I’m a complete hopeless romantic.
BUT WHY?!
Because... I like the idea that there is someone in this world that doesn’t complete you but compliments you to a level that you are both better because of each other. I dream of the day waking up to the person that supports and loves me unconditionally and to him I will do the same. I am forever in love with love because it is something that I don’t understand, it’s something I can’t explain, it’s just something felt. I will forever be a hopeless romantic because we live in a world where the bad guys win most of the time, and I like to think love creates an opportunity for the good guys to win, and the pure hearts to succeed.
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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Analog 17th Avenue.
You know, I don’t usually come to coffee shops. With my ADHD I can get far too distracted. Distracted by the post I’ll put on social media so people know I’m working in a coffee shop like an adult, distracted by all the sounds, distracted by the thought of me not being hipster enough to be in here. Those are all the self distractors but the fun ones are the people distractors. The distraction of the obvious first tinder date insisting she can pay for herself, or the laughter of two friends catching up for the first time in forever and how they should have done this ages ago, or a personal favourite, the solo male or female working hard or maybe they are faking it until they make it… like me. This has all brought me to the realisation that maybe coffee shops aren’t made for me to be productive in a self manner in terms of a to do list, but they are an opportunity to distract myself from my own life and observe the lives of others.
The barista sighs and turns away from the cafe. She wraps both her hands around her vintage mug and takes a big gulp. As she places the mug down she she sighs one more time and lets her shoulders relax. Is she just tired? Is she ready for everyone in here to leave so she can go home? Is her mind stressing about school? Is her heart aching to leave her and pursue her dreams? I have so many questions and it’s someone I’ve just seen from a far. She reaches for her back pocket and checks her phone. Looking disappointed she rolls her eyes and places her phone back in her pocket. Is she awaiting a call or text? Just simple body language has me wondering what is eating her up. Maybe she just has resting bitch face, maybe I’m over assuming but it has caught my attention and with simple body language she is the inspiration to look up from my phone, to get out of my head, and notice the stories happening all around me. We each have our own little world, with our own stories, passers by just happen to be audience members.
People’s stories fascinate me. What makes them tick, what makes them smile, what makes them scream? We are all fabricated the same at a biological level, but maybe that’s why personality and connection matter so much to me right off the bat, I want to know what’s different about this human being, what makes their soul theirs? By all means that barista is biologically the same as me on a molecular level, but her story is what has me wondering.
My attention is quickly shifted to a musical gentleman sitting facing toward the window, spending half his time staring at the screen intently with his elbow on the bar has his hand cups his face. He takes a break every once in a while, what `i don’t know is if he is looking out the window as the construction, pedestrians, or if he is just looking at himself in the reflection. With jet black flowy hair, and a grey sweater that clings to every muscle I wouldn’t be surprised if he was looking at himself. I always wonder if attractive people are aware of how attractive they are. Part of me thinks they don’t because to this day some of the most people beautiful people in my life remain caught in their own minds. I dream of the day these people can see themselves the way I do.
As I scan around the room my eyes lock on a girl doing something that is far too familiar. She has her whole work station set up, laptop, textbook, highlighters, notebook. She was studying earlier, I truly didn’t pay much mind to her because she was just studying; however, now she sits there, with her eyes filled with distressed, laptop closed, arms resting on it while typing rapidly on her phone.
Pause the beautiful man by the window just came by, I still only caught a glimpse but even when I’m embracing distraction I get distracted.
Back to our dear student. My heart breaks as I watch this because if my assumptions are right she isdezep in an argument or discussion with someone who has her heart. This may be a lover, this may be a friend, but either way the body language remains. I wonder what it would have been like to find love and friendship in a non-digital age. Call me old fashioned but my heart begs for the kind of love with phone calls not texts, dates not FaceTime, and time-well spent not instagram posts. I feel like we have all this power in the palms of our hands which is amazing but I can’t help but wonder what things were like when you could send a “I’m so sorry I’m the worst, I have to cancel” just 3 minutes before the date. My biggest fear about the digital age of dating is something I’ve even caught myself doing, feeling like there is always something better, someone hotter. What ever happened to the genuine connection that makes the heart feel at home? Those people now get friend zoned as we fear we can lose them, and yeah they are great and all but maybe there is someone better. We fall in love with a picture not a person. I think it’s toxic because we fall for the good looking instagram picture with the hottest girl or hottest guy. The digital love dream… #couplegoals. Hear me out though, we fall in love with that, then find ourselves in coffee shops, wide awake in bed, in the middle work sending novels back and forth hanging onto a pretty face, trying to love his or her flaws so there can be the digital love dream. Then those paragraphs turn into “Ok��� and before you know it your heart can be full or empty just based on a typed message on your phone. What about finding the man or woman that gives you the reason to want to keep up? The person who you connect with better than anyone else? Not the person that please the just the visual but also speaks to the soul. All I’m saying is we send novel text messages, we talk non-stop, we slow our world down to have a “serious conversation”. What if we just watched for the simple sides of life? Not the hoops we jump through to please the rest of the world.
And with that thought two of my best friends have walked in as they return from the gym. I wonder if they know they are the reason I write again? I wonder if they know they are one of the reasons I feel so alive, that I am not here to please the rest of the world, I am here to enjoy adventures, days in, and nights in a coffee shop writing while they pick things up and put them back down again. 
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deconstructedtangles · 6 years ago
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My love, this one is gonna hurt.
It’s like something out of the movies. The rom-com that is our life has found a leading man, but wait... there’s a plot twist. My love, this one is gonna hurt.
He's like no one you’ve ever met before, he’s kind, he’s caring, he listens when you talk. You have similar interests, you spend a lot of Tuesdays together, and something just works. My love, this one is gonna hurt. 
You think, you feel, you are almost sure it is mutual love about to come pouring out to create the love story you’ve always known you deserve, but I think I’ve mentioned this... My love, this one is gonna hurt. 
Throwing caution to the wind you hold on because nothing has ever made you feel so alive, so free, so genuinely happy as this partnership. Slow down my love, this one is gonna hurt. 
You put up with the hurt until it is almost unbearable but you know you would rather have him beside you in your present than behind you in your past. A love like this has to be fate, right? Why else would someone who makes your heart grow just show up to be ripped away? This is my last warning, my love, this one is gonna hurt. 
You grapple with the idea that you truly are just best friends, and this is all one side will ever feel. You choose that being a best friend can’t be that hard. That is until he finds someone who makes him feel the way he makes you feel, and decides to confide in you. Hearing the words pour from his heart how his heart aches for her just hits a bit too close to home. All you’re left to wonder is why was he put in my path? Why can’t I be the one? Here we are my love, this one is gonna hurt. 
My love, we will make it through this. We have gone through worse. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right? Right. I think. I’m not sure. Having a best friend like this is irreplaceable, but there’s will be times where my love, this one is gonna hurt, but more importantly, this one is gonna heal. 
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deconstructedtangles · 7 years ago
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sweet dreams are made of this
Falling asleep. Tick tock tick tock, time flies when you’re trying to sleep. 
Why is it this hard just to reset? It shouldn’t be, all you have to do is close your eyes and drift off to dreamy dreamy land, but for me it’s never been that simple. I found ways to cope, writing, watching tv, podcasts, pure exhaustion but the most fool proof way is to lay next someone and hear their heart beat. 
When I was little it was my mom, she would hold me close and tell me to match my breathing to hers and listen to her heart beating and I guess it stuck. All those other coping mechanisms helped too, especially the writing one. Those all worked when I was alone. Then I started getting into relationships and sleeping with people again. For lack of a lady like way to say this, fuck me to sleep became the norm for a coping mechanism. Only problem was, that slowly faded and before I knew it, it wasn’t just the sex, it was an intimate connection required for me to sleep peacefully. 
I’m starting to think this is why I crave a real relationship. Where we fall asleep together and wake up together. I’m so scared to fall asleep that the idea that I can feel safe while in dreamy dreamy land attracts me so much. So have a chest to lay on, a hand to grab when the nightmares show up, a warm face when that dang alarm will go off, but most importantly a heartbeat to lull me off to sleep. I would do anything to feel that safe. 
Why don’t I feel safe when falling asleep you ask? Well even if you weren’t I’ll tell you. Because to sleep I let my guards down and lose control. I can have a dream where he who shall not be named shows up, I could miss a text or a call from a friend in need, something could happen to a loved one while I sleep, is what if I don’t wake up to see tomorrow, someone could break in and I’ll be defenceless, everything haunts me once I lay my head to sleep. 
These demons dance in my head only at night. I wish I could put them to sleep just so I could get some shut eye. But before I know it I reach a limit, where my body can’t fight any longer and it passes on to a state of comatose and I pray for sweet dreams. 
My sweetest dream of all is the day I put the demons to bed, and I fall asleep to his heartbeat knowing no dream, no what if, no anything can hurt me, for it is time to recharge our bodies while our hearts keep each other safe.
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deconstructedtangles · 7 years ago
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Pull Back, Aim, Fire.
The past weeks have been something I have not experienced in years, and honestly I would have been okay if I never experienced it again. My whole life I have battled with mental health, I’ve always been a huge advocate or it, and an open heart for those and their struggles to come and talk to. What I've realized is how much I am changing. 
I don’t want to battle my mind anymore. 
I’m struggling to practice what I preach.
My heart is hurting as it heals others. 
So today marks a day that I attempt to get back to me, I’m medicated again. This was my choice but as I sit here I can’t do anything but feel so damn defeated. I know I am doing what’s right, and I can get back to my roots, but damn I never wanted to be back here. 
However, my sister, who is probably the smartest person on this planet reminded me about something I need to keep in mind, 
“Often times, defeat is the step right before your greatest victory” 
Which brings me to the title what what I am writing today, pull back, aim, fire. To get where I’m going I need to pretend to be an arrow, pull back and recoup, aim at what I want, and give it all I’ve got. There’s only one hitch I have no idea what I want. 
So here we go, medicated, caffeinated, and frustrated, but ready to see what comes next. Let’s see what happens. 
Pull back, Aim, FIRE. 
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deconstructedtangles · 8 years ago
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Risk vs Reward
There’s always been this side of me where the risk was always worth the reward. Living with this “Why not?” “What’s the worst that can happen?” “You ain’t taking any of it with you” attitude. It got my friends to think I was adventurous, it helped push the people I care about to go after their dreams without reservation. A true yes man, or woman as the case may be.  
But did I truly believe it? Did I truly stand behind what I was saying? I did. I didn’t see the reason in not trying just in case it could be the best thing to happen to me. 
I then had to realize not every risk was going to have a reward, and without that reward was risking my own well being worth it? No, not anymore. So I didn’t. I retracted, decided no risks. But as you can imagine no rewards yielded from that. 
So where’s that happy medium? Where do you find the risks are worth the reward?
I’ll tell you where I started, small things. Try a new ski?  Sure sounds like a great plan. It rewarded. Try surfing with my niece? Why not, with trial and error I’ve never seen a bigger smile on her face. All these things were physical risks, can I physically get hurt? But this is the thing about bumps and bruises, they heal. When do you know it’s right to take a risk with your heart?
A heart is much harder to heal, much harder to justify putting yourself out in the world, vulnerable to that one person. I’ve had my heart handed to me on a sliver platter a time or two, and it’s one of those things where it doesn’t get easier, you just get used to the hurt, you go through the stages, and restart at GO. 
The thing about risking you heart, is you have little to any control over what anyone is going to do with it. This world is a complicated place, and if you believe in “the master plan” or Karma, I guess you could say it becomes a tad more bearable. But definitely won’t help getting your heart broken any easier. As much as I wish it were a rule, just because you feel strongly about someone does not mean they feel the same. 
Risking your heart should be a calculated risk with ample reward in sight, right? Well… I was never good at calculating. I do well with words, and feelings, and what is right in front of me, because as morbid as it is, I could be gone by tomorrow, or the next day, you never know when it’s all going to end so why leave this world without taking that risk when there’s something that could be worth the reward.
That being said, it’s hard to justify putting it all on the line. My aunt once told me, when you know you’ll know, and in the same breath, when you meet that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. That last part she was quoting When Harry Met Sally, but I’ve never seen that movie so she can take credit for that one. 
So is that when you risk it? When you start feeling like you’re living in a rom-com?
I had to learn to be selective, I had to learn to not just love for the sake of being loved, don’t love because you’re bored, love because unconditionally this person brings you happiness, because you want the rest of your life to start now. 
Risking your heart is scary, even scarier when the situation isn’t simple. Whether it be distance, timing, any reason really to keep two people a part, maybe its a problem jambalaya, but, if it’s there, it’s there. It takes time, effort, and most importantly the love to keep in alive. What you have with this person is with them. Push the outside world to the side and focus on them. Focus in the two of you as a whole.
So jambalaya in the mix, while trying to keep a float; when do you throw caution to the wind and take that chance that this could be hard, and this could end in heartbreak, but it could also be the best thing to ever happen to you? When do you know to risk your heart? 
When the feelings are deep enough, and the connection is strong enough, that you are truly hurting more fighting it, than the possible heartbreak if it all went up in flames.
-(August 12th, 2015, 11:10 am)-
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