deceasedtony

[deceasedtony]

More than a year ago, back when things were really bad and hopeless, I had a thought that brought tears to my eyes: the idea of introducing him to my grandma during my graduation ceremony.

Because that very scene alone encapsulated every single thing that I felt so hopeless about. If that were ever to happen exactly the way I imagined, that would mean that I would have graduated med school and become a doctor, my grandma would be healthy enough to see me graduate, I would actually have a relationship with him and that the pandemic would have abated enough for me to have a legit graduation ceremony.

Out of the 4 things that I hoped desperately for, 3 things came true. Everything I could have controlled in any way have come true. I'm now a doctor, I love my mans so so much and my grandma is honestly doing so much better than I am at 86.

It's just this dang pandemic is getting worse again such that I'm not gonna have a graduation ceremony. But that's fine. I'm so so happy and at peace. All the factors are in play, it's just a matter of setting and timing I suppose.

[deceasedtony]

Well, so so much happened in the last month. Firstly, and amazingly what feels like the most insignificant thing now, I passed my final exams and became a doctor. I'm actually pretty happy with the grades I got. I know for 100% that based purely on my final exam performance I don't deserve my grades, hell somedays I don't even think I deserve to pass. But thank god for my pretty good posting results. And honestly, the line between passing and failing is thin and I owe my 2 bois my life.

I'm starting work doing orthopaedics in a hospital I've been to before. I got rejected from a program I applied to, and not gonna lie it stings a little bit. But I do believe everything happens for a reason and I know what I want to do to find my way back. So I'm at peace with my work situation now. Scared out of my mind to be a doctor and be responsible for patients sure. I just hope that I'll be able to walk this road like all my seniors before me.

5 years of med school have passed so quick. God some days were so painful and full of depression and anxiety. But other days, the exhilaration, the satisfaction and the love for my job was and is still one of the best feelings I've ever felt. I've learnt so much about myself and the world and people and everything, far more than just simple medical content. Truly the last 5 years have been a major glow up. Both physically and mentally.

I hope I'll grow to become a good doctor and that I'll never lose the love I have for my job.

Welp that's it for my college tag, it's now upgraded to work tag.

[deceasedtony]

well somehow here we are. It’s been an amazing 3 years filled with so much personal growth, humbling moments of reckoning and just pure passion and love for what I do. For all my fears of clinical years, it’s been an awesome ride. Hopefully the next time I step foot into a hospital it’ll be as a doctor

[deceasedtony]

I think before the year ends, just a few of my thoughts. 

I’m someone who is weirdly hung up by traditions I think. Or more like the significance of a specific date etc. But honestly, I go by so many places that I once traversed when I was younger. I’m no longer the same person, even though the places have stayed the same. Would that not apply for significant dates as well. These dates pass by every year just the same, but it is I who has changed. I’m pretty sure I spent NYE 6 years ago carving lines into my skin, it doesn’t mean I need to uphold that tradition. No point feeling so sad if I don’t get to experience the same thing on a certain date. 

And it’s easy to forget to choose to be happy amidst all the stress and anxiety of daily life. But you’ve come so far and grown so much. Look after yourself. It is, like all other good habits, just a matter of making it a habit. 

You’re nearly there. It hasn’t been an easy year for sure. But you’re so so close. Hang in there. You’ll be fine. 

[deceasedtony]

Remember this moment, after a literal day of grueling simulations, he can still make you stupid laugh the whole night

[deceasedtony]

For all my desperation to get back to school, M5 sure has been rougher than I imagined. Ortho wasn’t so bad because during my hospital posting I had intentions and goals. I worked towards them and fulfilled them. Derm and ID were really short and mainly just had me learning the content and I was fine. IM is a cornerstone posting and it’s long and painful and so overwhelming. The exam prep anxiety that started right at the start of M5, and were allayed in ortho, ID and derm is now back in full force. It’s so overwhelming, with so many resources, and such varying advice. But just so little time.

I obviously believe in, and do better when intentions are set. So here goes:

no point being all overwhelmed and then jumping the gun. remember your central dogma content -> approaches -> practice

always, always retain your love of practicing medicine and the love for your patients

you gotta handle your stress and anxiety better man. This stress shopping can’t be healthy in the long run. And you’ll be stressed a lot more in the future

you don’t have to get your study plan right immediately. Things will always change, and you’ll adapt as well. You gotta start somewhere

and there’s no point playing egos and what not. Everyone has to start somewhere and the endgame for all of us is to get to the finish line in one piece. just stay humble (cuz god knows just look at the seniors, they are so so SO much more accomplished than you are) keep your head down and just do it for the love for it

look after yourself. You’re way better at self care and de-stressing in M4 than in M3. Keep on doing it. The key point is to get to the finish line in ONE PIECE

I’m so proud of you for getting to where you are. This struggle and problem you’re faced with is a happy one and is a privilege to have. Trust the system and trust yourself

[deceasedtony]

welp here I am. At the end of my holidays about to start my final year of med school. I started it feeling like I was on top of the world but also so so restless and also unhappy with the person I was turning into. Then things got really uncertain and the days got seriously bad and honestly, I’ve never felt the constant need to hold back tears for so long. It was the kind of situation where it was bad but you knew it was gonna get worse and it was gonna drag on. I knew that I was going to pull through and come out the otherside literally bulletproof. But wooboi during that time, I felt so much despair and that I didn’t have enough hope to go around. 

I’m way better now and I honestly like where I am in life and the way I act. Plus I’m so so much closer to my family now. For sure, these last couple months took me down a couple pegs, but that’s what I needed. I dunno, I feel like I’m in a good headspace to go through my final year. This was not the holiday that I planned or wanted by any means. My worst nightmares happend, there was so much sickness and death. 

But I’m at peace with all the things that happened. Now, I’m ready to bust ass for my medical degree and what will happen will happen

[deceasedtony]

I made a quiz that’ll tell you what kind of gay cowboy you are

why? because i think its funny

[deceasedtony]

like and/or reblog this if your blog is open (pre, during and post pandemic) for people to drop in for a chat and even find a friend! (mostly because I think it’ll be nice for ppl to connect during this time) 💘

[deceasedtony]

rami just ran by in front of my car lmfao

[deceasedtony]

fuck david and patrick are gonna make me cry

[deceasedtony]

take those thoughts and little memories, and tuck them away into a little box in your mind. Now is not the time to think about them, and make yourself sad. The time will come when I can uncover them, but now is not it. 

[deceasedtony]

[deceasedtony]

learning how powerful it is to say “this is what i feel” and “this is what i want” and firmly standing by it

[deceasedtony]

~ happy bb enjoying her kitchen ~

[deceasedtony]

I’ve spent far too many nights sitting on my bathroom floor muffling my sobs, washing my face in cold water and witch hazel, then walking out like nothing happened in the last 2 months

[deceasedtony]

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